The Bully Personality
Bullies are a problem to be sure. We all have known one or two. You find them in the schoolyard, in the workplace, and sadly, even sometimes in your home. And they can make life a a living hell for their victims.
Like all disturbed and disordered characters, bullies exist along a spectrum. Some bullies are refined, whereas others are boorish brutes. Some are merely annoying, and make life difficult. Others are a virtual nightmare. But a bully is a bully. And for years professionals have speculated about what makes them tick. Sadly many longstanding but misguided notions – notions soundly disproven by research – persist about bullies. So, it seems time to dispell some of these notions once again.
Bullies Are Usually NOT Cowards
I heard a commentator on television just this week assert the old, erroneous notion that bullies “are really cowards, underneath.” While this can indeed sometimes be true, it’s rarely true, especially in our day and time. So, it’s both unwise and potentially quite unsafe to think that bullies act out of cowardness. Assuming such things can put you in significant danger, especially if a bully is hell-bent on domination and senses a loss of control over you.
Bullies Are Usually NOT Insecure
I continue to hear people say that bullies are actually inwardly insecure, and that they brandish bravado to hide their insecurity. Once again, such a thing can indeed be true. But most of the time it’s definitely not true. And, as mentioned earlier, it’s both unwise and unsafe to assume such things. To most bullies, showing what you might see as understanding is a sign of the weakness they detest.
Bullies Are NOT Usually Struggling with Low Self-Esteem
There might be a bully or two around who actually doesn’t think to much of him/herself and is trying to prove their worth. But in most cases, bullies actually think too much of themselves. Their self-esteem is inflated. That’s what makes them feel entitled to do the horrible things they do. Moreover, such ego inflation is not usually an unconscious compensation for inner feelings of low worth. (See also: Why Narcissistic Bullies Really Taunt.)
What Really Makes Bullies Tick
Almost all of the traditional notions about bullies have been debunked. The biggest reason for that is that is the fact that we don’t live in an age of rampant, severe “neurosis.” And theories about neurosis and its underpinnings dominated psychological thought and research for decades, which is how we came by some misguided notions about bullies. But as I point out in all my books, the age of widespread dysfunctional neurosis is past. Ours is the age of character dysfunction. People dysfunction for very different reasons than they did in the Victorian age. So it unnerves me quite a bit when I hear commentators, so-called experts, and even professionals spread notions that have long proven inappropriate for our times. (See also: Anxiety, Neurosis, and Character Disturbance.)
So what makes bullies really tick? It’s really pretty simple: they like demeaning, torturing, belittling, etc. It gives them a feeling of power and a sense of superiority. They derive excitement from doing it, as perverted as that might sound. For them, making others feel small is, well, sadly fun! It’s sordid, sadistic entertainment at the victim’s expense! They don’t need to belittle others to feel big, as a way of compensating for anything. They simply like doing it and persist when it seems to pay off or goes unchecked. There are other reasons, too, that perhaps I’ll cover in another post. But suffice it to say it’s wrong – really wrong – to promote longstanding but erroneous notions about such folks. And it’s always wrong to overgeneralize – to take something that might be true sometimes and cast it as true all or most of the time. (See also: In Sheep’s Clothing and Character Disturbance.)
Can a person really be so shallow and self-serving without having a deep seated trauma? I believe that we are self-serving in the beginning of life-the way children are. But we learn that just meeting our own needs is not ultimately fulfilling.
The assumption that trauma and other wounding simply must lie at the root of character disturbance has been the doing-in of countless thousands. Can it happen? Yes! Is it always the case? NOOOO!!!! And it’s a dangerous and often self-defeating assumption to make.
Dr. Simon,
I totally agree with you on that. I’ve been emotionally abused since age 4. First by my mother and that continued even to her death bed. Fortunately, I actually shook my head at her last insult. Water off a ducks back.
Quite silly to do on your death bed don’t ya think?
Also, the abuse would continue by my dad as well as 6 siblings. We were raised in the same house for the most part until they divorced.
Did we all turn out the same? Not an empath in the bunch except for me.
I’m no contact with them all since 2013, except for one getting through to me for a Christmas invite all of a sudden, that “would be so much fun”???
They NEVER were fun.
I have a new phone and he can’t get through now.
When they’re together they’d make fun of me, when I ran into 2 of them on separate occasions, they hid like the cowards they are.
There is in my humble opinion something to the group bully mentality.
I’d like to say I’m happy about it all, but sadly that’s not the case.
I pray for their repentance regarding their treatment of myself which included my family and hope one day they’ll mail me a card revealing a life turned around!
I feel for you. I had a similar experience in my own family. I only cut loose last year, at age 59! Wish I’d gone no contact decades ago…
Hello Priscilla,
I agree that there is something to the group bully mentality.
It is apparent in the way that cliques operate.
A clique is a close-knit group of people that behaves like a pack or a gang. It has a leader who sets the rules for the way others should behave. The so-called rules set out who is unwelcome in the group. The clique members behave like a coterie that is unfriendly to those deemed outsiders.
When you think about it, a clique can be a schoolyard clique, a workplace clique, a criminal clique, a political clique, a religious clique (i.e. like a cult) and sadly, also a family clique.
I think the leader in the clique enjoys the power of controlling those in the group and insidiously manipulates them into believing that it is better to stay in the group and that outsiders are inferior while the group members are superior.
We have a neighborhood clique. The ringleader is an old white male (shocker, I know). He idolizes tyrants, constantly bends/breaks rules and laws, and is constantly aggrieved and a victim. An angry, petty, vindictive little man.
I think things are shifting, maybe. He still has followers, but people seem to be distancing from him more and more. He talks behind their backs, and they are starting to realize it. He targets people who don’t do what he wants, and vulnerable people. He’s a bully.
I think people were/are worried about retribution, but hopefully witnessing others stand up to him and reporting his unlawful behavior has created an opening for change.
“Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.
Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.
-Elie Wiesel
Your comments were oddly refreshing to me. My life is nearly parallel. I am the only empath in a family of seven.
On my mother’s death bed, she tried to go after me one last time with, “OK, Let’s hear it.” She was trying to set me up. She wasn’t going to admit any wrongdoing. I had long ago separated from her. When I was 31, she tore into me for the last time.
Three are remaining. I pray for their repentance. But, while in their 70’s, they still use taunts, power-games, put-downs and assumed superiority. When is it time to mature?
Thank you so very much for this article! I’m going to save the link to share with others, especially therapists!
I was/am the scapegoat in my family of origin, and on other groups, because I’m the truth seer. Can you write an article about how to see the truth,protect yourself and not become the scapegoat? Is the answer to stay out of groups altogether?
Anyways, I’m still being bullied, and the bullying caused my 23 yr old daughters death, and I’m devastated and grateful that your newsletter showed that comments are possible on your articles! That’s what got me to click, hoping I would see lots of comment, and I’m surprised to only see two, and yet grateful for these two comments and this article, and really looking forward to reading more and getting the validation and education I need to keep living and writing.
Oops, wish I could edit that last comment, there are more than two comments here already…..grief brain…
I learned from this article how that just because something is sometimes true, doesn’t mean it is always true, and that’s a very important distinction to make and something I’m going to remember to say when I disagree with someone, now I can say, well, that’s not always true, and it can be dangerous to believe that it is.
A huge part of my healing journey has been learning to stop giving my empathy and understanding to people that don’t reciprocate and to stop believing highly selfish people when they say that I am being a bully or being controlling when I am setting boundaries with them or expressing how hurt or angry I feel about their dishonesty or dismissal or minimization of my feelings.
I really feel such relief at finding this website and reading this article and the comments. Thank you!
Hi Brooke,
So glad you found this site! Also glad you’re discovering how to protect yourself while being true to yourself. I’m also a truth seer/teller. Not for the faint of heart!
Dr. Simon has many wonderful insights and in depth articles to help you educate and hopefully arm you with the information you need to be safe and happy. Would also like to see an article on how to stay safe in a group while seeing the truth. I have my own ideas but it would be helpful to have Dr. Simon’s input.
There’s a book I’m reading that you might find helpful. It’s written for people healing from abusive (narcissistic) relationships.
It’s Not You, Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. By Ramani Durvasula, PHD
I wish you well on your journey!
I an a therapist who works at a school with traumatized teens. Most bully and all have been bullied. Most are suicidal. I use the message “bullies are insecure” to help the bullied teens who are suicidal.. it helps. We imagine a good future ahead for them. If I said “they Just want power”, I fear that won’t help. Any suggestions?
Contact Dr Simon
I bullied everyone when younger and was horrible as all my peers were. We never apologized but we should’ve attempted to. I picked on the shy ones the most which is evil but predictable.
A few became addicts and lost their minds while others have severe ptsd. I’d imagine some of it is from us and we were horrible. As a girl who made fun of guys I just feel weirder but it’s common. Why can’t we apologize and just keep gaslighting? It’s horrible. I am horrible.
You ask the question “why can’t” we apologize (or make amends somehow). “Can’t” is usually not accurate. “Won’t” or “Don’t want to” for various reasons is usually more honest. Examining that and taking any action, no matter how small to address the resistance begins the healing for all parties – including you!