For the most part, “neurotics” are an anxious lot. It’s their fears and apprehensions that hang neurotics up and cause them problems. But there are folks in this world who have too little apprehension for their own good (or for the good of others who happen to be in a relationship with them). A little anxiety or apprehension would go a long way toward inhibiting disturbed characters from doing that hurtful thing to their co-worker or saying that hateful thing to their partner. But alas, these folks are very different from neurotics in many ways, especially on the dimension of anxiety. I talk about this and other aspects of personality in an upcoming series of webinars. Below is a link to a brief video clip from that series, titled: Anxiety, Neurosis, and Character Disturbance.
I wish I had the courage to show this to my therapist. My husband relishes that he’s been diagnosed and “suffers” with an “intimacy disorder”. Since his “diagnosis,” he reminds me almost every day how hard things are for HIM!!! For me it feels like he’s been diagnosed with horrible disease and I’m the one that has to suffer from the horrible side effect of his ill treatment.
Mary : You found a great website, and the more you read Dr. Simon’s words, both in the archives, and his books and articles, the better armed you are to address the issues in your marriage. My non- expert opinion, from going to a dozen therapists in my recently failed 35 year marriage : Have the confidence to present the video, and to speak your mind, even the feelings you are unsure you are valid and “justified “. The truth comes out anyway, in time. If you feel your husband is not taking responsibility for his actions, while you suffer, then that truth will come out one way or another. If you find the courage to speak your mind, you have more control of the outcome. I do understand your reluctance, as I felt the same. And most marriage counselors we went to over the decades employed the framework that Dr. Simon describes, the hurtful behavior is almost excused, explaining some underlying cause, and a behavior modification program limps along, Meanwhile the (conveniently neurotic) partner not only absorbs the mistreatment, but is made to feel guilty for struggling and being impatient. I’m not sure my marriage would have survived, even if I’d seen behind the curtain, with the insights from Dr. Simon. But I would have liked to have tried. Find your voice, Mary.