Subtle Narcissistic Rage
Subtle narcissistic rage is just as its title implies. It’s rage, alright. But it’s subtly expressed. Sometimes, it’s deliberately kept under cover. That makes it covert.
Subtle narcissistic rage can rear its ugly head in many ways and for several reasons. Both “vulnerable” (i.e. compensatory) and “grandiose” (i.e. character disordered) narcissists are prone to showing it. (For more on vulnerable vs. grandiose types see: Two Main Varieties of Narcissists.) Each type can have their ire stoked in different ways. And each type differs in the way they typically express their rage, even when it’s of the subtle variety.
The Roots of Rage
The roots of rage in any narcissist are almost always the same. Someone challenges the narcissist’s bogus claims. Sometimes they’ve laid claim to superior thinking. Other times, they’ve exaggerated an accomplishment or their status. The problem never lies in what the narcissist really knows or has done. The problem how the narcissist inflates both the nature and value of those things. The narcissist may know a great deal. But they just can’t help thinking they know even more than they actually do. And they may have some notable accomplishments under their belt. But they can’t help asserting they’ve done more than they actually have. Moreover, they want to others to value what they think or have done more that is rightfully warranted.
Now, the egomaniacal self-presentation described above invites the insecure among us to feel intimidated. But it invites the more secure to challenge – to cut the narcissist down to size. And that’s where the problem comes. Once challenged, or worse, exposed for the fraud they might be, a narcissist can really fly off the handle. They regard challenging or exposure as the ultimate insult for them. It’s embarrassing for others to see the truth. This sparks their rage. Sometimes, they rage in very intense, open ways. But sometimes they display more subtle narcissistic rage. It all depends how limited their capacity to care (i.e. empathy) is.
Why They Do It
For a long time, many thought (and some still believe) narcissists lash out because their egos were too “fragile” to withstand bruising of criticism. And with vulnerable, compensatory narcissists, this notion can actually have some truth to it. But with grandiose narcissists it’s definitely not the case. There’s something very different at work with these folks.
These days we have more grandiose (i.e. character-disordered) narcissists among us. In fact, a fairly narcissistic culture has spawned more narcissism in general. And, like all character disturbances, it exists along various spectra. Most of the time, therefore, a narcissist’s rage is prompted by their insistence on maintaining the dominant position they feel entitled to occupy. And to do so, they’ll use rage to put you in the place they feel you belong (i.e., beneath them). Even when it’s subtle, their rage is a way of saying: “How dare you even think of dethroning me!! Just who do you think you are?”
(See also pp. 101-106 in Character Disturbance.)
What Subtle Narcissistic Rage Can Look Like
Imagine you’re a reporter trying to unearth the facts behind a politician’s troubling actions. You respectfully ask some questions to get to the bottom of things. In the process, you “expose” a clear error in judgment. If the politician has an ounce of humility, he or she might admit at least some degree of error, at least in hindsight. But if they’re narcissistic, they’re likely to attack.
Fairly refined narcissists won’t attack openly and viciously when they feel insulted. (Vulgar narcissists don’t care and won’t be as guarded. And sadly, we’ve almost become accustomed to this of late!!). That’s because it would make them look bad and they actually care about looking good. Instead, they might turn things around on you. They might display their ire by casting you as unfair, ill-informed, or merely out to get them, as opposed to caring about anyone or anything, especially the truth. They might even bring up some unflattering or unsavory things about you, all to demean and degrade you.
Imagine also that you’re having a friendly debate with someone. They say something you find fairly outrageous or hard to believe. So, you politely call them on it. You merely suggest they can’t really mean what they’re asserting. But instead of acknowledging that they might indeed have gone a bit too far they start leveling small complaints against you. And the more you stand ground, the more they seem to find fault. In the end, you feel like you simply can’t win. They’re only satisfied when they have the answers and you don’t; when they’re on top, and you’re on the bottom, disgraced.
Final Notes
There are so many ways both narcissism and subtle narcissistic rage can be displayed these days. So, I’ll have more to say on this topic next time. But you might also want to check out these articles on the blog:
- Narcissistic Insults and Narcissistic Rage
- Narcissistic Insult Can Prompt Rage
- Understanding Narcissistic Rage
Dr. Simon,
Great article, so timely.
I so value you and your clarity on these most difficult subjects.
Thank you!
Leni
I agree.
“Imagine also that you’re having a friendly debate with someone. They say something you find fairly outrageous or hard to believe. So, you politely call them on it. You merely suggest they can’t really mean what they’re asserting. But instead of acknowledging that they might indeed have gone a bit too far they start leveling small complaints against you. And the more you stand ground, the more they seem to find fault. In the end, you feel like you simply can’t win. They’re only satisfied when they have the answers and you don’t; when they’re on top, and you’re on the bottom, disgraced.”
Lol the other part is doing the same.
Truth is an OPINION in the minds of humans, nobody decides what’s true or not (in all abstract matters. There are a few obvious facts, again they’re FEW – everything else is OPINION, relative and depends on point of view, and denying this is narcissistic). In this description here, there is no proof the first part is correct and the other is wrong. If the second part is right it is perfectly reasonable for them to stand their ground as the other part is doing. Just because the first part believes them to be wrong and thinks “they can’t really mean that”….lol that is how closed minded people think.
I am politely rejecting this view of yours, but of course you believe to be right and I am wrong. And THAT, my friend, is narcissism.
“But instead of acknowledging that they might indeed have gone a bit too far”
Yeah, just because you think that it means it can’t be wrong? Wrong.
Ideas that are “out there” can perfectly be correct. Reality doesn’t fit the idea of “reasonability” of humans. Reality can perfectly be crazy and extreme, and that’s a fact.
Just because some people think some ideas are “out there”, no it does not prove anything. The idea that their belief that the ideas are incorrect is proof of their incorrectness, is factually incorrect. Therefore, you have said NOTHING with that paragraph, nothing of use in understanding reality.
Reality is complex, opinions and views are complex, and determining what’s true or not, who is delusional or not IS NOT SIMPLE, and in facts it isn’t possible at all. Psychology isn’t an exact science – FACT. A psychologist who thinks his diagnosis cannot be wrong, is delusional.
I would like to thank you for providing the perfect example of narcissist thinking. Narcissists always have to be right – any other train of thought is rejected because it is not their way of thinking. It is impossible for a narcissist to understand and accept anything else other than their viewpoint. Their are subtle nuances in all thinking, there are shades of grey to each thought. It is only when threatened that the narcissist will revert to denigration of the other’s words, thoughts, actions and being. You present the reality of Dr. Simon’s awareness quite well. Good job. Thank you.
In our world I think there are FAR more than “a few obvious facts.”
SMH
“There are so many ways both narcissism and subtle narcissistic rage can be displayed these days. ”
Yeah, maybe your reaction in reading me having the basic normal understanding that you too, Dr Simon, can be wrong in assessing who’s narc and who’s not.
You don’t decide that. Narcissism is OPINION, not fact. And that’s a fact. Anything else is bullshit.
Schizophrenia is fact. The idea that a person sticking to an idea you won’t understand is narcissism isn’t. It is in fact an error. The narcissist is the part refusing to believe something just because it doesn’t fit his preconceived notion. THAT is narcissistic. MOST PEOPLE are narcissistic, it’s not a problem of few else it wouldn’t be much of a problem at all. Whoever thinks he can diagnose Trump and he is the problem of the world, and not common people, is wrong – in my opinion and that of many others. No you do not decide what’s true in absolute and no I am not a narc just because I hold that opinion.
And knowing a psychologist can too be wrong isn’t narcissism. It’s normal awareness.
Upset much by this view that dethrones you? Oh, maybe mr psychologist can be narc too, who knew. Common sense knew. Psychologists aren’t God, aren’t infallible, they’re humans who can be wrong like anyone else, and yes a non psychologist can understand minds better than a psychologist, knowledge isn’t enough, an innate intuition is required and it’s not measurable and it’s not a fact who has it or has it not.
Things and what is true or false are not clear and obvious, else deceit wouldn’t exist. You too, Dr Simon, can be a “wolf in sheep clothing”, and if you refuse to accept that, then it’s proof you are by the very things YOU say.
Something isn’t false just because someone or even everyone considers it outrageous. Truth is more often than not outrageous to mediocre mind and most people, history teaches that. Galileo just one celebrity example. Believing something is false just because you don’t get it is arrogance. Whoever doesn’t understand that is wrong. The problem of humanity is precisely this lack of openness for new ideas, that are the important truths to realize. No, most people don’t know everything, they don’t know anything. They don’t get to decide what is true and reasonable and what isn’t. Goethe sais reason and logic are not popular, oh what a narc. The mob is the narc. Common people who can’t understand superior minds are the narcs.
Oh there’s no superior minds than average? Sure sure. The idea nothing is superior than you is narcissistic.
Americans are narcs who think europeans can’t know better. That’s complete ignorance. Europeans are better than americans in many ways. Anything else is american narcissism, and I have tested americans: they truly are narcissists who think europeans arne’t worth shit and they are superior. Hahhahahahah….narcissism has no cure, so. There is no amount of reality that will heal americans of their delusions of superiority. Btw, americans are children of Europe, lacking respect for their father: Europe. Americans are ignorant, that is reality. And the idea that anyone who has a view by which you’re not superior is the narc, is narc.
Americans are NOT superior, but they very often are deluded they are. It’s because they’re generally ignorant and don’t understand many things.
Dr. Simon,
Wouldn’t an example of covert narcissistic rage be: hiding someone’s belongings, stealing from them?
Once my items “come to light” the narc acts as if you “misplaced” your things?
We had a daughter in law who we politely, and with a reason said “no, we can’t do that” and we were covertly punished. I say “had a daughter in law” because her continuing covert behavior caused so much damage in our relationship with our son that we had to walk away. The rage she exhibited is quiet, silent, eerie and evil and he is so blind to it. We often wonder what his life is like behind closed doors. It’s been two years since we last spoke to him and it’s been very calm. No more walking on egg shells. We couldn’t kiss her ass good enough, long enough, often enough to ever have made her happy so why bother.
I have dealt with narcissism for the better part of my life, and I’ve only recently understood what I was dealing with…why it hurt so much.
To me, this article is spot on.
The grandiose claims, aggrandizing even the mundane activities, sweeping anything that is less than stellar under the rug, these are the bread and butter of narcissists.
Call out any of them, and then the rage appears.
Thank you Dr Simon. I come back to your posts again and again to learn how to explain with clarity this difficult subject.
It’s so difficult for me to stop the rush of feelings I get when I try to explain what goes on with these people, that sometimes I cannot pass the message through.