In the aftermath of a toxic relationship, you can find yourself scratching yourself and asking the questions: “How did I get here?; How could all these things have happened?; Why did I not see this coming?,” etc. You might even be tempted to blame yourself – to engage in what has sometimes been called “morbid introspection,” wondering how on earth you could have ended up in the position you find yourself without there being someting seriously wrong with you. But while it certainly can help a lot to understand both the nature of your ordeal and the possible reasons for it (some of which may very well have to do with various”vulnerabilities” in your makeup), it’s potentially as damaging as the toxic relationship itself to berate yourself. As I point out in In Sheep’s Clothing and Character Disturbance, some personalities are extremely adept at the arts of seduction, manipulation, image projection, and other forms of manipulation and impression management. Even the healthiest of us can be taken in. Moreover, sometimes it’s the most decent things about us – things that it would behoove us never to change – that make us vulnerable to the most character-impaired among us. The vignette that follows below (as always, potentially identifying information has been altered) is designed to illustrate that point.
Emma’s Story
If you had to describe Emma in only one word, it would probably have to be “conscientious.” Responsible, and possibly to a fault, it’s hard to imagine that any employer wouldn’t want someone with a conscience like Emma’s. She made it her business to learn whatever she needed to know to get the tasks assigned to her done in the best possible way. You could always count on Emma, and you could trust her implicitly.
David appeared to really appeciate Emma, too. That’s part of what drew her to him in the first place. Unlike others she’d dated, he really seemed to know who she was and to value her. That made here feel good. And in a very real and practical sense, David really did appreciate Emma, just not in the manner she reasonably assumed, and, as time would eventually bear out, not in the manner that would make for a healthy, lasting relationship.
David was a man of high ambition and drive. And he thought enough of himself to want only the best in life, including a partner whom he could unreservedly trust and depend upon, and one who would be the envy of every other guy’s eye. He recognized Emma’s qualities and talents right off the bat and was determined to have her for his own. So he set out to “woo the socks off” Emma, and woo her he did.
For quite some time, Emma felt on a pedestal, and she really enjoyed the position. David’s doting made her feel both “special” and appreciated. David was also moving up in the world (just as he’d always promised) and she was moving right along with him. This made her feel important and understandably proud. Whether David said it often enough, she knew in her heart that her support – especially the way she always took care of everything – was a big part of their success. But slowly, and barely perceptibly at first, Emma began to feel less important and less genuinely appreciated. As David acquired more and more of what he wanted in life, it appeared like he had less and less interest in and need for her. At social gatherings, she was feeling more like “arm candy” and a “trophy” than someone who was truly treasured for the kind and decent person she was. But it would be some time yet before she realized just how poorly she was really regarded and how badly she’d been used. And when she found out, it wasn’t pretty. David hadn’t just been unfaithful, he’d been serially unfaithful. And the fact that he’d used and abused so many others and sluffed them off as meaning “nothing” to him didn’t ease the pain in the slightest. He’d been lying about money, too. He hadn’t just been dishonest about what they had, he’d stashed away a small fortune. Worst of all, he revealed himself to be anything but the appreciative, thoughtful person he once appeared to be. That was clear – but only now. Yes, he saw something valuable in her. He always did. But she mistook this practical appreciation for her virtues and his desire to possess her as evidence that he truly cared about her and her well being. She would have to learn the hard way, that caring on any kind of meaningful level was simply not in David’s emotional vocabulary. The only thing he cared about with any fervor was his own self-interest. And when it became abundantly clear just how shallow and devoid of empathy he really was, Emma was heartbroken. Then she began questioning herself. How could she have not seen it? What was wrong with her?
How deep any care and concern they might have really does go is always the major question with disturbed characters. In the case of the more severely impaired characters, sentiments rarely get beyond the purely superficial level. Superficial charm, superficial appreciation, superficial interest, that’s the extent of things for the significantly character-impaired. It’s rarely about what really lies underneath but mostly about appearances and image. Emma would realize this eventualy, but not until she’d been fully used and exploited. When David had a need for her, he was willing to do anything to possess her. But when he had finished using her he was all-too-willing to discard her. In the end, Emma would be glad to get out of the relationship with her sanity. But in the aftermath, she would still find herself constantly obsessing and ruminating: Why didn’t she see things for what they really were? Why didn’t she see who he really was from the beginning? How could she have so misjudged his capacity to care – to really love? And she would blame herself.
Now Emma would eventually have to come to some understanding about what aspects of her own personality makeup might have contributed to her vulnerability. But she would have to do so without destructive and unnecessary self-blame. And she would have to become more solid in the belief that her best attributes – her conscientiousness and depth of caring – really were truly character strengths and not weakness. Just because someone of grossly impaired character took advantage of those very qualities shouldn’t make her think less of herself. Someone’s willingness to exploit such characteristics says much more about their character. Besides, there are individuals in this world who both know how to and do in fact have a genuine and deep regard for these noble qualities. Unfortunately, in our age of rampant character disturbance, such folks are just not as common as they once were. Emma’s naivete about that would be one thing she’d have to reckon with if she were to improve her odds of not being victimized again. She’d have to come to accept that there really are people who despite all surface-level indications, simply lack the ability to really care about another. And that, makes all the difference. She’d also have to learn how to better scrutinize the depth and genuineness of someone’s apparent concern. Emma had fair instincts. But her “charm alarm” didn’t go off because she didn’t see anything in David as superficially glib (i.e. smooth-talking or fast-talking) as your “typical” used car salesperson. She had reason to think he really valued her. And to her, that was an indication he must also really care. Emma will never make that mistake again.
Sunday night’s Character Matters program will again be live, so I can take phone calls.
Emma’s story is so close to my own that it could be me. Obviously, there are many tangled and confusing details that are involved in such a story but the one thing that wasn’t emphasized was the lying (every possible permutation of that word) that goes along with involvement with people like David. When you are a truth-teller yourself, you believe that your partner/spouse is also being truthful. You are not looking for lies. When you discover the depth and breadth of the lies, it is shattering. And that is an understatement. You do not know what is real anymore and nothing makes sense anymore. This does make you seriously doubt your sanity – especially when the disturbed character is happy to tell you just how crazy you are – and perfectly fine with kicking you back down when you try to get up. Having absolutely no face-to-face or telephone contact with this person was the only way that I could save my sanity and re-build my life. Email was the only way to communicate about necessary issues — it saved me from a fair amount of, but not all, further abuse. The longer I was out of his reach, the more clearly I was able to think for myself. I hate to say it, but I still feel badly about myself because I think I “should” have seen the truth. Someone else would have. But I completely didn’t.
Fiona,
You make a great point. When you live by a certain moral code or creed, I believe the expectation is that the person you’re in relationship with shares it. I truly wish there was a faster, sure fire way to determine true compatibility before making such an “expensive” emotional investment.
Hi Fiona,
I thought I’d respond to this story as all the way through it I kept thinking which person and I here, Emma or the boyfriend.
I grew up reading Mills and Boon romance books here in the Uk. My dad was dashing and something like a VIP my mother was sophisticated and beautiful. I always wanted to marry a man something like Ian Fleming or Sean Connery in James Bond or Marnie.
I had no idea that the archetype of man that I was looking for if you took away his looks would be a man who would be rich, sometimes from mysterious means, would be rutheless to anyone who tried to harm me or vulnerable people and he’d have the dress style of Pierce Brosnans Thomas Crown.
I was ok looking but by the time I was 18 I had learned to manipulate my appearance to give me an mixed looking ancestry that people found beautiful.
I had hair extensions and lovely clothes and I created an illusion of beauty for both myself and for this perfect man I was looking for.
I told lies. I’d been telling lies since I was in my early teens and they were not about anything else other than to pretend to other girls that I had mysterious exotic boyfriends who they never got to meet because they didn’t exist.
I wanted to fit in with my peers so I pretended. I don’t think I ever lied about anything else or any other aspect of my life.
Then as I said at 18 I discovered that I could now continue lying to myself by looking like a very dark skinned Pocahontas when I had my hair extensions and though by now men found me very attractive I never seemed to meet the man I wanted deep down who was not James Bond but something more like the wholesome Disney princes we watch growing up.
I attracted all the wrong types of men and most of them simply wanted one night stands, and there was always that awkward time when he’d want to run his hands through your hair and you couldn’t let him, or when he’d realise that you actually weren’t from Egypt or Mauritius or were part American Indian.
I lived a lie because when I first came to the UK aged 3 from Africa my white school teachers did not treat me well at all.
Although I loved how I looked by the time I was 11 their rude comments had left a very big imprint and I had developed an inferiority complex.
The partner who I left 2 years ago after 25 years of what I now feel was the most emotionally abusive and dangerous relationship of my life started with warning bells and red flags.
By the time I met him at 21 I was growing up and for some reason I was learning not to lie about who I was. I think I became more spiritual and started to learn that lying no matter if you were trying to fit in could really hurt people and yourself.
A bit like the girl in the film Imitation Of Life I had to learn to outgrow racism and the peer pressure to be popular and desirable.
When I met my ex partner there was now I feel something about him from the beginning that was odd to me, and yet there was something about his bad breath, his poor personal hygiene and the sense that he’d grown up neglected that touched something in me.
After my mother died I had to teach myself to be clean to have good self presentation but I also understood what it was to be neglected and something about him touched me . I could see that this man had the potential to be breathtakingly handsome and so after hearing his tragic stories of being rejected by past girlfriends I set about trying to give this man the gift of my love, my expertise in presentation and the gift of my body so that he would never again feel like less than a man.
It was and is one the biggest mistakes of my life. As I sit here writing to you I’ll tell you I had grown up with a fairy tale view of the world assuming that because I’d promised myself to stop lying to boyfriends about who I was that everyone else would be telling me the truth. I realise today that the man I married may have indeed had many things about him that were sympathetic he also has turned out to be one of the greatest liars I may have ever encountered.
While I was learning slowly and watching the world around me I realised that the most precious thing that I’d been trying to acquire all that time wasn’t quite beauty it was good character.
Over the years I started to learn about people like John Templeton and I realised that over time I could become a much better person and I could develop honesty.
I was not perfect and still am not but I was beginning to be a person of good character.
My husband I would discover was and is living some kind of double life, a secret sexual world that seems so odd and disturbing to me that I can’t believe that I never realised almost from the beginning of our relationship that he was either lying directly to me or lying by omission about many things.
25 years later the man who all my family and my friends believed to be a gentle shy truthal giant is someone I don’t know.
There is a wall of secrets between us, I lived and live in a world where I was covertly seduced and groomed by his ability to present a hard luck story and to present himself as also a victim of life, insecure.
As I taught him more of what I knew he became contemptuous of me, as if he were beautiful and I was now a monster. I would be the emotions in the relationship while he would never admit to any wrong doing, temper or fault. I felt like a monster I had to be if he always acted like he was a victim.
I believed him until the covert aggression slowly became overt aggression and then I realised but couldn’t quite prove that almost from the get go this man had been lying to me about who he was and perhaps to himself initially.
I felt manipulated and controlled but could never quite prove how. For every gift he gave me there would be a punishment to follow.
When I tried to leave him twice he called mental health services after accosting me.
I lost my looks, my sanity at times and all my friends and family. The final thing to make me realise that I might be in a dangerous relationship was on the occasions that he locked me out of our home and I’d become Street homeless, the worst was up to two years while he lived in our brand new three bedroom home renting rooms to lodgers. He said I would distress our child, that I was a risk.
I realised after 25 years I had nothing to show but mental ill health whereas he would never disclose if he had any savings or what happened to the equity from all the houses we’d bought.
He manipulates me with gaslighting, pointing a knife or scissors at me and I then when I tell him to stop he looks at me innocently and I wander did I misinterpret what he did.
But after reading books by Dr Simon I at least started to realise that in spite of what my husband told me about never being angry that all people fight and fall out but it’s how we do this that’s the key.
I have only recently moved off the homelessness road, was a bag lady and my husband talks about doing new computer courses or buying expensive computers…
I think these are the things to look out for , people who don’t empathise, who may lie but they lie or at least without information that’s so vital that you realise finally you met a master manipulator and expert in the art of abuse and depriving a person of resources, their liberty and their mind at times
I learnt that one shouldn’t accept anyone at face value that we should always delve deeper into ourselves and to anyone we allow into our intimate life or confidence if we are to remain safe and well
You just described my marriage in a nutshell. From the beginning, I was part of the picture that he created of a happily married man with a family. I was in cognitive dissonance. Thank heavens I have a strong faith in God because that has had a big part in saving me.
Wow. Hauntingly familiar, at least for me…
I wonder what the tell-tale signs were for Emma? Like the vignette, some DCs are really smooth and really good actors.
I wonder if our instinct sounds the alarm soon enough but we mistake it for paranoia? Or, does our instinct fail to sound the alarm at all due to our wishful thinking?
Noel,
My faith also was my guide through the turmoil left behind by my involvement with a DC. I’m so grateful to still be in tact.
I fell for it just like Emma. Problem is we have 3 children. He’s been out of the house for almost two years. I’m dreading the process of divorce. He shouldn’t have any rights to his children after what he’s done. The lying and manipulating still continue. He only sees the kids with my supervision once a week. I don’t want to communicate with him but I have to. I try to limit it to text or email but he persists with the phone calls so he can manipulate me.
Why is there so much character disturbance? Is it narcissism? Addictions?
In my case he’s an alcoholic. Anyone with an addiction behaves like a CD.
Absolutely! My husband has had serious problems with alcoholism. He is totally narcissistic with delusions of grandeur, aggressive, impulsive and self absorbed when he’s drinking. Luckily he is now in recovery and I truly know he cares deeply for me and our daughter. He is fighting his demons after growing up with a psycho mom.
Thank you, thank you, thank you dr. Simon. You explain things with so much clarity and insight!
I’m having a bit of an aha moment. I have been wondering weather my husband was a DC. He may have a streak but I think it there just from poor socialization by his psycho mother. Since I “unmasked” her craziness he has been coming to terms with much of the abuse he suffered as a child.
He truely cares! And he is actually a very empathetic person. His psycho mother DOESN’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE but herself. The gifts etc are all part of the seduction and superficial impression management.
As far as intuition goes. I always felt a gap there in my relationship with her. She could be very nice and generous but there was always something missing. A real connection. Before she began her exploitation I felt a cloud of evil in the room and the corners of my mouth dropped in distress of a toxic vibe. That’s when she started obsessing and being aggressive to control my baby. I thought it was me, that I was being irritable. Funny I never feel like that with other people. I should have known! Next time I will know!
I fell for it just like Emma. Problem is we have 3 children. He’s been out of the house for almost two years. I’m dreading the process of divorce. He shouldn’t have any rights to his children after what he’s done. The lying and manipulating still continue. He only sees the kids with my supervision once a week. I don’t want to communicate with him but I have to. I try to limit it to text or email but he persists with the phone calls so he can manipulate me.
Why is there so much character disturbance? Is it narcissism? Addictions?
In my case he’s an alcoholic. Anyone with an addiction behaves like a CD.
I just want to make a general statement and maybe get some feedback on my thoughts.
I had a recent conversation with my father, who is a very old wise man, and he told me that there are two types of energy in this world. Love and fear.
Actually I believe fear is really just the dark, the obscene of fear. I’m very much in agreement with dr. Simon’s that DC actually lack fear and inhibition while neurotics have too much of it and are inhibited. It seems to me that this is very true when it comes the impulsive behavior etc but I kind of think that what’s underneath the DCs pshyche is also fear. Just at a different level.
I say this because I actually see a lot of fear in my psycho mil. She has a lot of phobias. She also has a lot of ocd type behaviours which as far as I understand are all about anxiety and controlling something or someone in a dysfunctional attempt to release and or rather displace that fear. It’s like she fears being out of control so she has to control and dominate everyone and everything. Ocd, from what I understand is really like an addiction,like drug addiction, eating disorders, etc. Is it possible that she feels so out of control herself that she has to control, dominate, and subjugate others in order to keep herself sane.
She really is psycho. As far as her behavior goes, she will trample all over you and be completely aggressive. As long as you are under her domination she’s happy. But is it a compulsive need because of her own fear of being out of control and inadequacy? Or is she not a psycho?
*I meant to say fear is the absence of love. It’s hard to type on this phone!
Are they just so wrapped up in being on top that it takes priority over their ethics. Like any addict puts their “fix” ahead of everything else? Are they addicted to the power of being able to cause others pain and suffering? Like some grandiose god complex?
I have also read that there are two types of narcs. Those whose dysfunction stems from a real sense of inadequacy and those who truly believe they are superior. Could this be the case? Does this apply to psychopaths too? I can honestly say when I confronted my mil I saw nothing but fear in her eyes. Fear that her cover is blown, fear that I know how dysfunctional and inadequate she is, fear of the rejection that is to come as she has faced many times before, and fear that her target (her fix) was setting boundaries and it’s not going to be a free for all of exploitation anymore.
I would really appreciate some insight on this if anyone has had any. I actually believe my mil is of very low intelligence and maturity and she’s not at all very good at covering her true feelings. Though she thinks she is.
I have to say also, that with regards to healing, I feel a big weight lifted off when I feel empathy and compassion for the sick person that she is. Without a doubt she is an emotional preditor! And the best thing to do is stay the f*** away! But truly, I do believe we are all good deep down. She is an extremely “dark” and “fearful” person. Her behavior is so disordered. But deep deep down I believe she is a beautiful person. As we all are.
This fills me with love and compassion and forgiveness for her shortcomings. If I don’t believe this, I feel myself empty, just full of hatred and fear myself.
Am I just in denial? Your honest thoughts please!
I’m sorry for all the posts I hope I’m not spamming.
To summarize my question. What’s the difference between say anorexia where the disorder as I understand it truly is anxiety based are all addictions and ocd type behaiviors and a DCs?
For example in anorexic feels deeply flawed and inadequate and they use control and domination over their own body in an extremely harmful and destructive way. A DC uses control and domination in their relationships in what seems also like an addiction. I’m thinking serial bullies, serial rapists, killers, etc. They need their fix.
I have not read all of dr. Simon’s work. Is this the case for some DCs but not all?
valencia,
I seriously doubt a severely character disturbed person as old as your mother-in-law will have strong enough motivation to change her ways.
What you think (and correctly so) is your compassion and forgiveness for her shortcomings will simply not be interpreted in this way by your MIL. She will either reinterpret everything as another win and go about her business as usual. Or, in worst case, she may consider it as “escape” at a great cost (her smiley mask off her hideous true self), and then she will set out on a mission to destroy you.
Grow a thick skin. Get a rhino skin transplant if you need. Treat your old and now hardwired MIL the way she deserves. Watch her behavior from distance for next 3-4 years, before giving her any benefit of doubt. Till then deal with her as you would deal with a crooked business partner.
Thanks andy!
I completely agree that my mil is completely set in her ways and there’s a 0.0000001 chance that anything I may ever do will make her better.
I by no means intend to continue a relationship with her she is an extremely dangerous person who has already been known to drive a target to suicide and she’s picked me as her next victim. And no way she’s getting near my child the whole thing just creeps me out! I know all that alone time is a way to get her hooks into my daughter and eventually emotionally steal her from me. Because she has to always be #1. Just like she poisoned her own kids hearts and minds against their father. Who committed suicide because of that and I’m sure tons more abuse.. (Rant).
From a VERY safe distance I can start to feel pitty for her. She is a sick and miserable woman. I forgive what she has done because I choose to treat her with compassion instead of contemnt. This is just my attitude towards her. She is physically no longer allowed in my life. I’m in a safe place from which I no longer have to defend myself and I choose kindness, compassion, and love for her, unconditionally for the imperfect person she is. (As we all are).
I know it’s really corny but it really does feel better than running the pain over and over in my mind like a broken record. Inspiring anger, fear, and hatred.
I like the use of “VERY”. Keep it bold, keep it in capital letters. There is no point in staking life against 0.0000001 chance. 🙂
Maybe you are at the final phase of your recovery where you are able to reflect on things and moving on to forgiving yourself as well as others. Maybe you are looking for an answer to “why she is that way” before forgiving her. 🙂
Valencia
I am thinking about my ‘golden child’ sister here. The child I witnessed growing up seemed to experience a conflict between how she was viewed by her parents, as opposed to how she was viewed by the greater world. I think where fear entered into it, for her, was she was afraid that she just might not be that great.
She wasn’t getting the kind of feedback from the outside world that she got at home. She has struggled to reconcile the two, ever since, so overreacts to criticism, sucks up to authority, works double hard to be ‘perfect.’ She is extremely conscious of how she appears and is constantly managing impressions. It’s crazy making just being around her.
Am hoping for her sake that she lightens up on herself. Bt controlling?? I have never seen anybody have what I would describe as an actual phobic reaction to loss of control and resultant teeny tiny comfort zone she tries to shoehorn others into.
The conversations must be kept extremely shallow and substance free, at all times. She refuses to discuss anything ‘negative’ and this could be a relatively benign war tale from decades ago, that happened in someone else’s family. It is beyond bizarre. Haven’t encountered anything or anybody quite like her. She’s a mess…but presents well.
So yes, fear can underlie narcissism or self centered weird control issues. But I wouldn’t overthink it and don’t think it’s mutually exclusive. A person can have reactive aggression and control problems AND have some purely aggressive intentions, fuelled by contempt, too. I think my sister is a mix. Her fear is she is ‘average’ so must hold those she considers to be ‘not up to par’ beneath her. It supports her view of herself as Mother and Father’s golden child. Creepy.
Valencia
I am thinking about my ‘golden child’ sister here. The child I witnessed growing up seemed to experience a conflict between how she was viewed by her parents, as opposed to how she was viewed by the greater world. I think where fear entered into it, for her, was she was afraid that she just might not be that great.
She wasn’t getting the kind of feedback from the outside world that she got at home. She has struggled to reconcile the two, ever since, so overreacts to criticism, sucks up to authority, works double hard to be ‘perfect.’ She is extremely conscious of how she appears and is constantly managing impressions. It’s crazy making just being around her.
Am hoping for her sake that she lightens up on herself. Bt controlling?? I have never seen anybody have what I would describe as an actual phobic reaction to loss of control and resultant teeny tiny comfort zone she tries to shoehorn others into.
The conversations must be kept extremely shallow and substance free, at all times. She refuses to discuss anything ‘negative’ and this could be a relatively benign war tale from decades ago, that happened in someone else’s family. It is beyond bizarre. Haven’t encountered anything or anybody quite like her. She’s a mess…but presents well.
So yes, fear can underlie narcissism or self centered weird control issues. But I wouldn’t overthink it and don’t think it’s mutually exclusive. A person can have reactive aggression and control problems AND have some purely aggressive intentions, fuelled by contempt, too. I think my sister is a mix. Her fear is she is ‘average’ so must hold those she considers to be ‘not up to par’ beneath her. It supports her view of herself as Mother and Father’s golden child. Creepy.
Your sister sounds exactly like my also “golden child” brother. I really think the golden child actually carries a bigger burden of the parents dysfunction in most cases. I think it’s easier to heal from trauma than to fix a personality disorder. It’s just so mal adaptive. But yes the conflict to reconcile how you were viewed in the home vs the rest of the world makes for a very confused child.
Hi Valencia,
I was the black sheep. I wear that title as a badge of honor now. I asked sister a couple of years ago if she was aware that the black sheep is often the psychologically healthiest member of the family. Her reaction was priceless. She literally guffawed.
And yes, being the golden child is the least enviable position to be in. I hope she finds herself under all the costumes, disguises and carefully crafted stage work, one day. Brutally tough for the golden when they age. They start getting even less positive feedback. She is red meat for a predator who can play that angle, should she end up single.
Valencia,
Dr Simon has written a fair amount about the misuse and overuse of the “addiction’ paradigm.
If you can get to a solid place of detached ‘love’ for your mil, you are doing really well. I know I have to watch a tendency, to misinterpret expansive states, where feelings of oceanic love predominate, understanding that those feelings are temporary.
But as fleeting as they may be, they can still provide some insight. But…while in them, there can be a rush to forgiveness. And, is that appropriate and helpful to me when I have been transgressed?
Thanks I will look more closely at what he says regarding addiction.
I think you’re right that it is possible for them to be phobic about some things and then just full out heart less, cold, and aggressive, without batting an eye to go after what they want.
I’m still struggling with these ideas. It hasn’t all fully sunk in, I’m still a bit confused about what makes them the way they are.
valencia,
You should read (& reread) book Character Disturbance. Dr. Simon offers a very different perspective to a very common problem. The traditional psychological perspective with roots in Victorian times is not applicable in all cases.
Reading the book should help you in resolving some of the mixed feeling that you have.
Thanks andy! I am familiar with dr. Simon’s insight on this. Maybe it’s just not totally sinking in.
I totally get it that they are very disinhibited and “fear less” when they are acting out their agression. While neurotics have to much fear of not offending others. That part is totally clear.
Say we peel back that layer of the onion and ask the question… Why do they feel a compulsive need to dominate and control others? Why do they enjoy to see others suffer under their feet?
I’m familiar with the ideas that psychopaths actually don’t feel much emotion all so they have to seek these thrills to feel something. But to be honest I’m still scratching my head about “why”. What purpose does it grant them that a healthy individual doesn’t have.
Compensation for inadequacy is an obvious one. And many narcissist are insecure inside. Or is it an anxiety/compulsion type thing?
Do they just plain and simply like getting what they want? Is the control and domination just a means to an end? Or is control and domination actually what they want? If so why?
“… scratching my head about “why”. What purpose does it grant them that a healthy individual doesn’t have.”
“Compensation for inadequacy is an obvious one… type thing?”
Agree. Need to control others may be rooted in their failure to acknowledge and accept their inadequacy. This is applicable in many cases. But, bottom-line is that this reason does not take the onus of responsibility from the perpetrator of psychological abuse.
“Do they just plain and simply like getting what they want? Is the control and domination just a means to an end? Or is control and domination actually what they want? If so why?”
This is another reason. The behavior is same, i.e., need to control others. But, the underlying reason is different. This time reason is that they simply do wrong things because they can and they are not hindered by conscience about right/wrong or empathy for others.
Just imagine a world, where all the power is vested in you. You are God of that world. There is no punishment for you in present and in future, in after-life if you believe that. Now, the only thing that hold you from wrecking havoc is your sense of fairness (conscience) and your care of others (empathy). Some people simply lack conscience and empathy. Some people are simply narcissist and aggressive. The degree of lack of conscience and empathy differs. The degree of power that can be exercised also differed. Some people are famous like Hitler and wreck havoc at places bound by earth’s atmosphere. Some people are not so famous like your MIL and wreck havoc at places bound by four walls.
“Do they just plain and simply like getting what they want? Is the control and domination just a means to an end? Or is control and domination actually what they want? If so why?”
Mostly control and domination is just a mean to an end.
Sometime control and domination is the end in itself. Sadistic traits, perhaps?
Thanks Andy! And for the reply above as well.
Your analogy of a world were you are god helps. Especially a god without a conscience and empathy. Sounds like the devil himself.
I feel I have a pretty good grasp on how a healthy mind works but this is taking a while to sink in.
When I say they are sick individuals it’s not excuse them or enable the behavior, but to have pitty on them. I really think most of them are probably very miserable people and worst of all, they blame their unhappiness on everyone else.
Thanks Andy! And for the reply above as well.
Your analogy of a world were you are god helps. Especially a god without a conscience and empathy. Sounds like the devil himself.
I feel I have a pretty good grasp on how a healthy mind works but this is taking a while to sink in.
When I say they are sick individuals it’s not excuse them or enable the behavior, but to have pitty on them. I really think most of them are probably very miserable people and worst of all, they blame their unhappiness on everyone else.
This Emma scenario was definitely me: equating his feelings of appreciation for, and valuing, all the things I did for him, equating that with caring about me and my well being.
Why? I think because generally that has been my experience from most other people in my life. People have been very caring and good to me. And I to them. I have friends and family I know will come through for me if I ever asked or needed. The DC on the other hand, had repeated opportunities to show some tangible action of caring or concern, but did his best to avoid, or turn all the attention back onto himself.
A couple of things finally woke me up:
My experience has also been that good people back up their words with action. That was one of the eventual signals for me of the DC: lots of nice words, expressions of good intentions and plans, but no follow-through with action. It takes time to see this.
Also, (maybe I read it here), that what a person focusses their time, energy and attention on is what they truly consider important in their life, what they consider a priority. The contradictions between the DC words and actions just kept piling up until I could no longer ignore it.
The people we are most confused by, Dr Simon addresses on his articles about DC existing on a continuum.
The easier ones, in terms of gleaning what their intent might be are those DC’s motivated almost purely by aggression, self interest, contempt and cruelty.
My sister is highly neurotic, fearful, phobic but she is also highly aggressive and perfectionist.
Until I read about those on a continuum, I didn’t understand. Now, not only do I understand I also know I did the right thing by giving up a few years ago. I’m not angry but I don’t waste my time trying to have feelings of love, familial connection. I feel what I feel, which is indifference — and that’s okay.
LisaO
Can you elaborate on where you would place your sister on the continuum? My understanding is that fearful and neurotic is at one end and aggressive on the other. Can someone have traits on both extremes in one person?
I’m happy for you that you can feel indifference. It’s a peaceful place to be!
Valencia,
I am sure that people can have fear based neurotic traits and aggressive, contemptuous traits that are mutually exclusive.
My sister’s fear traits are observable when she is in the presence of someone who is aware she is acting (me) or she feels transparent around (me). It took me forever to figure out why I made her so uneasy. I figure this transparency around me robs her of her cover. In a way, it makes her my subordinate, I guess? Don’t know. I make her skin crawl.
In situations where she feels clearly in control and has a strong sense of mastery she can be bossy dictatorial and contemptuous. I guess some would say that there is fear beneath the contempt. I think there is contempt beneath the contempt. She is somebody who is very aware of power, feels and sees the world, almost exclusively in those terms.
She’s a jerk when she’s in control and a suck up when she’s not.
Would you say that her world view is based on fear and that is responsible for the aggression? Or would you say the root personality is actually highly aggressive and fear is a byproduct because she inhabits a world that is a projection of her own aggression?
Who knows? It’s fascinating, clinically speaking and I am sure happy that I see her in those terms almost exclusively now.
Valencia,
The experience of misery depends partly on a person’s value system. If someone is highly egocentric and their ego needs are met, they will be living a life that could be meaningless and depressing for us but highly rewarding for them.
This is just an aside and more appropriate for another article about red flags. But it just hit me. It’s something I’ve witnessed in about half the CD people I know.
It is such a red flag for me. I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this. They often send their meals back, when eating out. There is zero appreciation or concern for the fact that the place may be understaffed, the cook harried, any number of factors most of us would take into account, before causing somebody a major inconvenience.
“I paid good money for this meal and I won’t accept this. A B and or C is all wrong.”
And, in fact the meal is likely okay or has very minor flaws others would easily overlook. And with some CD’s, they seem to do this every time your with them. Huge sense of entitlement.
This is a red flag in someone with a character disorder who might be a wounded, fearful type, but will betray the unbridled aggressive, arrogant tendencies, in this manner.
Nightmare Forever,
I think that comment needs to go right back to the kitchen. The garnish of profanity overwhelms the piquant nature of the meal.
LisaO,
Nice! Some imaginative use of words.
My sister also has same capability, wish I had learned some. She can make one such summarizing comment right in face of these pseudo airy fairy illogical idiots, and they stay away from her. 😀
LisaO
Thanx for the great reply!!!!
Nightmare Forever sounds like another one of those pathetic souls – ick!
Thanks so much Suzi. We all have our strengths, I guess. The things I don’t do very well, far outweigh what comes really easily to me, though. Bummer!
Thanks Andy!
I have had a lot of practise! I would describe in more detail but don’t want to reveal my identity to anybody (who knows me) who could use those details to figure out who I am!
Getting back to the subject of the article and Emma. The person who targeted me was very adept. I still shake my head in wonder at how much time and effort he put into communicating with me, gaining my trust through the promise and then realization of a deep bond of friendship.
I desperately needed more than just superficial friendship with somebody. Male or female–didn’t matter. I had all sorts of things I wanted to discuss, on the political, economic, social spectrum. I needed substance in my life — and I was too housebound with illness to find it in the real world. Someone I trusted and who was widely admired, online, by so many and who’s writing I had followed for years, I felt safe communicating with. He wrote so passionately about social justice, the plight of the Palestinians, etc…
I still find it hard to believe that someone who professes so much moral outrage in one arena, can be such a dirt bag when it comes to the interpersonal realm. I figure what he and many other CD people do is reconfigure the internal dynamics of their relationships, when there is a problem, so that they are the victim.
The woman who became involved with him, after me, found my email address and contacted me. She was curious about what happened and was becoming suspicious of him.
She forwarded an email to me, from him to her, describing how awful I was and why. The examples he gave were the polar opposite of what actually happened. If they had been mere exaggerations, it would have made sense, because that’s what normal people do when they are building a case against somebody.
But the comments about me were so awful , so damning and such total fabrications, it was just stunning. I had figured out long before she contacted me, that his behaviour –‘ghosting’ me, while I was being treated for complex PTSD, revolving around issues of abandonment, was unbelievably malicious. Who does that?
I knew by the way he set this up, he was trying to maximize the pain of a discard by blindsiding me. I figured immediately that there was something very very wrong with him. I may be a bit of a nut, but I am a garden variety type of nut. A little neurotic, very anxious, a little unconscious of the why’s and wherefores of my personality, but I am not cruel and I don’t lie ; the occasional white lie, but that’s about it. Pretty normal — am morally pretty strong.
He described to his new target how he relished the pain he caused me. In the same email, he described his wife in the most disparaging way. So he was throwing a pity party for himself to draw in another target, while invoking moral outrage at my “horrible behaviour”.
His blind siding discard, (rather than being the actions of a psychopath) were described as part of a morality play where the villain (me) got her comeuppance! It was horrifying to read it, on the one had, but on the other hand, so satisfying. My initial impression, that I had been played by a highly skilled psychopath, were confirmed.
The first few days after the discard, were pretty awful though, because I blamed myself. I figured I must have done something awful to deserve that treatment. I just wasn’t quite sure what that was and knew I had to be very careful or would go genuinely crazy trying to figure it out. The P knew me well enough to know this would be the case.
I provided the new target with his wife’s email address and she forwarded the same email to her. His wife has since left him, after clearing out their bank account and she set it up in such a way, he has no recourse. She must have planned it for months, maybe a year or two. She turned the tables on him in a remarkably skilled way.
These types eventually suffer terrible downfalls, underestimating what people will put up with, once they are onto them.
It’s really important to understand that it’s not your fault. Your vulnerabilities when involved with a CD, are strengths when interacting with others. And…most importantly, the CD’s defeat themselves, eventually.
Most of them run out of options, in the interpersonal realm, because of the financial implications. Multiple divorces are expensive. At the same time, they are are aging and gradually losing their looks. Each new disappointment brings with it more of an urge to escape into alcohol or drugs. The former dashing charmers lose their glow. They become obvious sleaze bags. And what woman who they might be interested in, is going to be interested in them?
The respected, admired alpha male, is revealed for what he actually is, given time — a cruel, deceptive loser.
“someone who professes so much moral outrage in one arena, can be such a dirt bag when it comes to the interpersonal realm. I figure what he and many other CD people do is reconfigure the internal dynamics of their relationships, when there is a problem, so that they are the victim.”
Again, someone is describing my brother! Clones of one another, each believing in their own uniqueness and superiority. Right now it is his spouse who is trying to – I believe the term is – triangulate. Phone calls about once a month (I don’t answer, and have turned off the answering machine). I can imagine the conversations about me, “don’t worry dear, she’ll come to her senses, I’ll get her to talk to me.” I wish I could be a fly on the wall and listen 🙂
My brother is an expert at playing victim when he doesn’t get his way through verbal gymnastics, insults or rage. As are the CDs in everyone’s life. To those who are suffering, if you can get some distance from these abusive characters, go no contact with them as much as possible, you will find the “real you” begin to emerge. I’ve learned so much from Dr. Simon’s writings and the posters here, as well as other readings and websites, I feel as though I’m a different person. I’ve started exploring activities that permit me to get in touch with my feelings or also just get me out of my comfort zone (laughter yoga, self-defense classes, tai chi, kirtans).
In an awful round-about way, the pain of realizing what my brother is, coming to an acceptance of it and the relief of knowing I’m not the one to blame for all the crazy-making aggression, is what has brought me to this point now – and I’m really really happy to be where I am now.
I’ve been able to make deep friendships with a couple of women also as a result of my CD brother. I clued in immediately that they had experienced the same type of abuse with family members and an ex-spouse just by a few comments they made.
I think painful triggers will be long-lasting for many of us, but life can be good after ridding ourselves of these narcissists/character disordered/covert aggressives.
Hi GG,
It has been so rewarding for me to read the comments about your brother! I have been doing a compare and contrast with my own brother and it has been really illuminating. Though my brother deflects blame and isn’t the most empathetic person in the world, I have reconnected with him and spent enough time listening to him that I have a better sense of why he reacts the way he does in certain situations. He was rejected by my father at a young age. Very very painful for him. He will hopefully connect with that pain and understand that he didn’t deserve it, none of it. We were both physically manhandled and humiliated.
He is going through the same type of emotional journey I went through 5 years ago and finally getting emotional help from therapist. He has come to the realization that he can’t simply think his way out of his emotional pain, he has to talk to an expert, and one who gives him a LOT of feed back.
I can help him by listening amd just being there. He wasn’t there for me, when I needed help but he has emphasized and reemphasized that he lacked the emotional wherewithal and understanding, at the time. He apologized, has told me over and over that he does care and knows that he needs help.
Man, is he lucky I am patient! He is such a cerebral processor and was also working off the wrong paradigm. But is it any wonder he has been so shut down? I sure get it and lucky for him that I do. Oh lord, now I am crying. It’s remembering how my brother worshipped his Dad and how, when he was little and Dad would come home he would be so excited he would spin on the floor. Then one day, it just ended. My father lost all interest when my brother started to talk and became ‘difficult’. That was it. Over. And that’s roughly when I stepped in to take my father and mother’s place. I taught him how to throw a football, took him tobogganing, had him read me stories from his science books. Lots of interaction.
And now I am called upon to forgive him for not being able to do the same for me. I have had to summon every bit of understanding patience and love I have to be able to do this. It’s something I would never do, GG, if he was like your brother. If that was the case I would have to walk away.
The other interesting piece of this puzzle –he is leaving his wife. So, will see how things change now that he is away from her. She is definitely DC. Of that I have no doubt.
The last time my brother and I talked, it was interesting. I had no idea how bad it was for him, at home. I thought I was exposed to the worst of it. Apparently not. Behind closed doors she is even more aggressive. OMG, unbelievable. Truly, she is the most aggressive woman I have ever been around. So hard driving, mouthy and rude, you just want to climb underneath a table to protect yourself from her ‘energy.’
And it’s non-stop. He didn’t reveal the full extent of this to me before, out of a sense of (misplaced) loyalty. I am not sure, at this time, if her machinations, behind the scenes have whipped things up in our family–but she LOVES drama and ar any cost. If its huring somebody, she wouldn’t necessarily ecen notice. I don’t want to lay blame where it doesn’t belong so I will just wait and see. But the truth will out!
My poor little bro!
Wow, GG, I just wrote a book! Thought I’d catch you up on the bro front.
Hi LisaO,
Aletha Solter, PhD, is a developmental psychologist, international speaker, consultant, and founder of the Aware Parenting Institute (www.awareparenting.com). Her books have been translated into many languages, and she is recognized internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline. The titles of her books are The Aware Baby, Helping Young Children Flourish, Tears and Tantrums, Raising Drug-Free Kids, and Attachment Play.
Read what she says:
See Aletha Solter’s book, The Aware Baby, for a full description of this approach.
The problem of night waking
The problem of night waking ranks high on the list of parents who consult with me. In a typical scenario, the mother has co-slept and nursed her baby on demand from birth on. She has started the baby on solid foods, but feels dismayed and perplexed when he continues to awaken at night wanting to nurse. When frequent night waking continues for months or years, many mothers become exhausted, frustrated, and resentful.
Some mothers see only two possible solutions for this problem: 1) continue to nurse the baby at night, or 2) night wean the baby by using the cry-it-out approach (also known as controlled crying). Neither approach feels right to them. Continuing to nurse throughout the night only increases the mother’s frustration and anger, whereas letting the baby cry alone can cause the baby to feel abandoned, terrified, and powerless.
The crying-in-arms approach offers a third possibility. This approach can help babies sleep better without ever leaving them to cry alone. Parents who implement the crying-in-arms approach hold their babies lovingly at bedtime without nursing them. Most babies cry hard, but then begin to sleep longer stretches at night. Some even sleep straight through the night for the first time.
Why babies cry
To understand how the crying-in-arms approach works, it is necessary to understand why babies cry. Crying has two important functions: communication and healing. Everybody knows that babies cry to communicate basic needs such as hunger, coldness, or the need to be held. But the healing function of crying is not as widely understood. Babies sometimes cry in order to heal from stress or trauma, even when all of their immediate needs have been met.
Studies have shown that babies in all cultures cry for no apparent reason, and that this crying typically peaks at six weeks of age. The term “colic” is used when the crying seems excessive, but studies have shown that the majority of “colicky” babies have nothing wrong with their digestion. This crying often represents an emotional healing process. Evidence comes from studies showing that babies who had a traumatic birth or whose mothers suffered from high levels of stress during pregnancy cry more than those who did not experience these stresses.
Many babies continue to have crying spells well past the typical period of “three-months’ colic.” They may cry following over-stimulation or out of frustration before developmental milestones such as crawling or walking. Crying also increases when there is stress in the home. Even with the best of parenting, babies experience numerous hurts, frights, and frustrations, and these can all result in a need to cry. When babies reach the toddler stage, their desire for autonomy sometimes results in frustration and tantrums. Temperament also plays a role. Highly sensitive babies cry more than those who are less sensitive.
This stress-release crying represents a normal and beneficial healing process, and we do babies a disservice when we try to stop it. When babies are left to cry alone, they feel terrified, and their cortisol levels increase. However, there is no research indicating that crying in a parent’s loving arms increases a baby’s stress hormone levels or harms healthy babies in any way (assuming all immediate needs have been met). In fact, studies have shown that stress hormones are excreted in tears, and that people have a lower pulse rate, lower blood pressure, and more synchronized brain wave patterns after a good cry.
Accumulated stress as a cause of frequent night waking
There are many reasons why babies and toddlers awaken at night, including hunger, pain, illness, nightmares, fears, coldness, loud noises, or simply the need for closeness. An additional reason is the need to cry. If your baby regularly awakens more than once at night past the age of six months, it’s possible that he is trying to “catch up” on stress-release crying in order to complete some emotional healing. Perhaps you didn’t recognize his attempts to heal early on, and tried to stop or distract him from crying. Maybe you were misled into thinking that nursing was an appropriate response for all crying, so you frequently offered your breast to comfort him even when he wasn’t hungry. Thus, your breast may have become his pacifier.
The fact that he now demands your breast repeatedly throughout the night does not necessarily mean that he needs to nurse that frequently. It could mean that he has acquired a habit that serves to repress his emotions, just as you might eat something sweet or reach for a glass of wine when you are feeling stressed or depressed. What you really need at those times is probably a warm hug and a loving shoulder to cry on.
In addition to frequent night awakenings, you can look for additional signs that your baby or toddler has not cried enough. Does he have difficulty settling down at night? Is she clingy or demanding during the day? Does she whine a lot? Is he hyperactive or aggressive? These behaviors could all be signs of accumulated stress with insufficient opportunities to cry.
Implementing the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime
To help your baby or toddler sleep longer stretches at night, you do not need to wean him or make him sleep alone. However, you may need to change the way you put him to sleep. Instead of nursing him down, you can nurse him a little earlier in the evening (on both breasts), then brush his teeth. Then simply hold him lovingly until he falls asleep. If he needs to cry, he will probably do so in your arms. Offer him water, but refrain from using your breast to settle him down.
Don’t be surprised if he seems angry. Those angry feelings may be part of the accumulation of stress that he needs to release. Your role is to love and comfort him, but not with the goal of stopping the crying. He will eventually stop crying of his own accord. Some parents like to sing a lullabye when their baby reaches the calm, sleepy state that follows a good cry. Afterwards, your baby will probably drift peacefully to sleep in your arms, and you will then be able to put him down.
If you use the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime and also at nap times, your baby will have a chance to catch up on her crying, and will probably begin to sleep longer stretches at night. She will also get used to falling asleep without sucking. However, if she is used to frequent night feedings, it may take a few days for her body to adjust to fewer calories at night. So if she still awakens at night wanting to nurse, you can continue to nurse her at those times. Be sure to offer plenty of solids during the day, as well as several full daytime feedings of breast milk. I also recommend co-sleeping if you are not already doing so.
In my experience, most parents who implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach find that their babies begin to sleep through the night within a week. These parents also report that their babies seem much happier and calmer during the day. If your baby continues to awaken frequently at night after implementing this approach for a week, you can gradually night wean your baby. I recommend increasing the intervals between night feedings over a period of three weeks (3-hour intervals the first week, 4-hour intervals the second week, and 5-hour intervals the third week). These intervals refer to the time elapsed since the beginning of the previous feeding. If your baby awakens between these intervals, she may need to cry. You can hold her lovingly and allow her to cry in your arms, while offering water. Most babies begin to sleep through the night before the 5-hour interval is reached. I don’t recommend total night weaning because some babies may still need one night feeding past the age of six months.
The role of fathers
Fathers can help implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach. Remember that babies always need connection and closeness when they cry, and they also need closeness before falling asleep. However, they do not always need to nurse, nor do they always need their mothers to put them to sleep. If your baby screams in his father’s arms, it does not necessarily mean that he needs his mother. It may simply mean that he needs to release accumulated stress. When parents alternate bedtime duties right from the start, their babies fall asleep just as easily in either parent’s arms. As toddlers, they willingly accept either parent to put them to bed.
Supporting your child’s daytime crying
In addition to supporting your baby’s pre-sleep crying, you can also take a look at how you normally respond to daytime crying. Do you immediately offer your breast when your baby or toddler hurts himself? Do you distract her from expressing emotions when she is sad, frightened, or frustrated? Do you try to stop his tantrums? While it’s important to reduce stress in your children’s lives, your job is not necessarily to keep your children happy every moment of the day, but to support them while they work through life’s challenges.
All children need to be comforted when they cry, but there’s a difference between comfort that represses emotions and comfort that allows emotions to be felt and released. A good cry with loving support can help children heal, while restoring calmness and joy. The more your baby or toddler cries freely following daily upsets and frustrations, the better he will sleep.
See Aletha Solter’s book, The Aware Baby, for a full description of this approach.
The problem of night waking
The problem of night waking ranks high on the list of parents who consult with me. In a typical scenario, the mother has co-slept and nursed her baby on demand from birth on. She has started the baby on solid foods, but feels dismayed and perplexed when he continues to awaken at night wanting to nurse. When frequent night waking continues for months or years, many mothers become exhausted, frustrated, and resentful.
Some mothers see only two possible solutions for this problem: 1) continue to nurse the baby at night, or 2) night wean the baby by using the cry-it-out approach (also known as controlled crying). Neither approach feels right to them. Continuing to nurse throughout the night only increases the mother’s frustration and anger, whereas letting the baby cry alone can cause the baby to feel abandoned, terrified, and powerless.
The crying-in-arms approach offers a third possibility. This approach can help babies sleep better without ever leaving them to cry alone. Parents who implement the crying-in-arms approach hold their babies lovingly at bedtime without nursing them. Most babies cry hard, but then begin to sleep longer stretches at night. Some even sleep straight through the night for the first time.
Why babies cry
To understand how the crying-in-arms approach works, it is necessary to understand why babies cry. Crying has two important functions: communication and healing. Everybody knows that babies cry to communicate basic needs such as hunger, coldness, or the need to be held. But the healing function of crying is not as widely understood. Babies sometimes cry in order to heal from stress or trauma, even when all of their immediate needs have been met.
Studies have shown that babies in all cultures cry for no apparent reason, and that this crying typically peaks at six weeks of age. The term “colic” is used when the crying seems excessive, but studies have shown that the majority of “colicky” babies have nothing wrong with their digestion. This crying often represents an emotional healing process. Evidence comes from studies showing that babies who had a traumatic birth or whose mothers suffered from high levels of stress during pregnancy cry more than those who did not experience these stresses.
Many babies continue to have crying spells well past the typical period of “three-months’ colic.” They may cry following over-stimulation or out of frustration before developmental milestones such as crawling or walking. Crying also increases when there is stress in the home. Even with the best of parenting, babies experience numerous hurts, frights, and frustrations, and these can all result in a need to cry. When babies reach the toddler stage, their desire for autonomy sometimes results in frustration and tantrums. Temperament also plays a role. Highly sensitive babies cry more than those who are less sensitive.
This stress-release crying represents a normal and beneficial healing process, and we do babies a disservice when we try to stop it. When babies are left to cry alone, they feel terrified, and their cortisol levels increase. However, there is no research indicating that crying in a parent’s loving arms increases a baby’s stress hormone levels or harms healthy babies in any way (assuming all immediate needs have been met). In fact, studies have shown that stress hormones are excreted in tears, and that people have a lower pulse rate, lower blood pressure, and more synchronized brain wave patterns after a good cry.
Accumulated stress as a cause of frequent night waking
There are many reasons why babies and toddlers awaken at night, including hunger, pain, illness, nightmares, fears, coldness, loud noises, or simply the need for closeness. An additional reason is the need to cry. If your baby regularly awakens more than once at night past the age of six months, it’s possible that he is trying to “catch up” on stress-release crying in order to complete some emotional healing. Perhaps you didn’t recognize his attempts to heal early on, and tried to stop or distract him from crying. Maybe you were misled into thinking that nursing was an appropriate response for all crying, so you frequently offered your breast to comfort him even when he wasn’t hungry. Thus, your breast may have become his pacifier.
The fact that he now demands your breast repeatedly throughout the night does not necessarily mean that he needs to nurse that frequently. It could mean that he has acquired a habit that serves to repress his emotions, just as you might eat something sweet or reach for a glass of wine when you are feeling stressed or depressed. What you really need at those times is probably a warm hug and a loving shoulder to cry on.
In addition to frequent night awakenings, you can look for additional signs that your baby or toddler has not cried enough. Does he have difficulty settling down at night? Is she clingy or demanding during the day? Does she whine a lot? Is he hyperactive or aggressive? These behaviors could all be signs of accumulated stress with insufficient opportunities to cry.
Implementing the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime
To help your baby or toddler sleep longer stretches at night, you do not need to wean him or make him sleep alone. However, you may need to change the way you put him to sleep. Instead of nursing him down, you can nurse him a little earlier in the evening (on both breasts), then brush his teeth. Then simply hold him lovingly until he falls asleep. If he needs to cry, he will probably do so in your arms. Offer him water, but refrain from using your breast to settle him down.
Don’t be surprised if he seems angry. Those angry feelings may be part of the accumulation of stress that he needs to release. Your role is to love and comfort him, but not with the goal of stopping the crying. He will eventually stop crying of his own accord. Some parents like to sing a lullabye when their baby reaches the calm, sleepy state that follows a good cry. Afterwards, your baby will probably drift peacefully to sleep in your arms, and you will then be able to put him down.
If you use the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime and also at nap times, your baby will have a chance to catch up on her crying, and will probably begin to sleep longer stretches at night. She will also get used to falling asleep without sucking. However, if she is used to frequent night feedings, it may take a few days for her body to adjust to fewer calories at night. So if she still awakens at night wanting to nurse, you can continue to nurse her at those times. Be sure to offer plenty of solids during the day, as well as several full daytime feedings of breast milk. I also recommend co-sleeping if you are not already doing so.
In my experience, most parents who implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach find that their babies begin to sleep through the night within a week. These parents also report that their babies seem much happier and calmer during the day. If your baby continues to awaken frequently at night after implementing this approach for a week, you can gradually night wean your baby. I recommend increasing the intervals between night feedings over a period of three weeks (3-hour intervals the first week, 4-hour intervals the second week, and 5-hour intervals the third week). These intervals refer to the time elapsed since the beginning of the previous feeding. If your baby awakens between these intervals, she may need to cry. You can hold her lovingly and allow her to cry in your arms, while offering water. Most babies begin to sleep through the night before the 5-hour interval is reached. I don’t recommend total night weaning because some babies may still need one night feeding past the age of six months.
The role of fathers
Fathers can help implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach. Remember that babies always need connection and closeness when they cry, and they also need closeness before falling asleep. However, they do not always need to nurse, nor do they always need their mothers to put them to sleep. If your baby screams in his father’s arms, it does not necessarily mean that he needs his mother. It may simply mean that he needs to release accumulated stress. When parents alternate bedtime duties right from the start, their babies fall asleep just as easily in either parent’s arms. As toddlers, they willingly accept either parent to put them to bed.
Supporting your child’s daytime crying
In addition to supporting your baby’s pre-sleep crying, you can also take a look at how you normally respond to daytime crying. Do you immediately offer your breast when your baby or toddler hurts himself? Do you distract her from expressing emotions when she is sad, frightened, or frustrated? Do you try to stop his tantrums? While it’s important to reduce stress in your children’s lives, your job is not necessarily to keep your children happy every moment of the day, but to support them while they work through life’s challenges.
All children need to be comforted when they cry, but there’s a difference between comfort that represses emotions and comfort that allows emotions to be felt and released. A good cry with loving support can help children heal, while restoring calmness and joy. The more your baby or toddler cries freely following daily upsets and frustrations, the better he will sleep.
See Aletha Solter’s book, The Aware Baby, for a full description of this approach.
The problem of night waking
The problem of night waking ranks high on the list of parents who consult with me. In a typical scenario, the mother has co-slept and nursed her baby on demand from birth on. She has started the baby on solid foods, but feels dismayed and perplexed when he continues to awaken at night wanting to nurse. When frequent night waking continues for months or years, many mothers become exhausted, frustrated, and resentful.
Some mothers see only two possible solutions for this problem: 1) continue to nurse the baby at night, or 2) night wean the baby by using the cry-it-out approach (also known as controlled crying). Neither approach feels right to them. Continuing to nurse throughout the night only increases the mother’s frustration and anger, whereas letting the baby cry alone can cause the baby to feel abandoned, terrified, and powerless.
The crying-in-arms approach offers a third possibility. This approach can help babies sleep better without ever leaving them to cry alone. Parents who implement the crying-in-arms approach hold their babies lovingly at bedtime without nursing them. Most babies cry hard, but then begin to sleep longer stretches at night. Some even sleep straight through the night for the first time.
Why babies cry
To understand how the crying-in-arms approach works, it is necessary to understand why babies cry. Crying has two important functions: communication and healing. Everybody knows that babies cry to communicate basic needs such as hunger, coldness, or the need to be held. But the healing function of crying is not as widely understood. Babies sometimes cry in order to heal from stress or trauma, even when all of their immediate needs have been met.
Studies have shown that babies in all cultures cry for no apparent reason, and that this crying typically peaks at six weeks of age. The term “colic” is used when the crying seems excessive, but studies have shown that the majority of “colicky” babies have nothing wrong with their digestion. This crying often represents an emotional healing process. Evidence comes from studies showing that babies who had a traumatic birth or whose mothers suffered from high levels of stress during pregnancy cry more than those who did not experience these stresses.
Many babies continue to have crying spells well past the typical period of “three-months’ colic.” They may cry following over-stimulation or out of frustration before developmental milestones such as crawling or walking. Crying also increases when there is stress in the home. Even with the best of parenting, babies experience numerous hurts, frights, and frustrations, and these can all result in a need to cry. When babies reach the toddler stage, their desire for autonomy sometimes results in frustration and tantrums. Temperament also plays a role. Highly sensitive babies cry more than those who are less sensitive.
This stress-release crying represents a normal and beneficial healing process, and we do babies a disservice when we try to stop it. When babies are left to cry alone, they feel terrified, and their cortisol levels increase. However, there is no research indicating that crying in a parent’s loving arms increases a baby’s stress hormone levels or harms healthy babies in any way (assuming all immediate needs have been met). In fact, studies have shown that stress hormones are excreted in tears, and that people have a lower pulse rate, lower blood pressure, and more synchronized brain wave patterns after a good cry.
Accumulated stress as a cause of frequent night waking
There are many reasons why babies and toddlers awaken at night, including hunger, pain, illness, nightmares, fears, coldness, loud noises, or simply the need for closeness. An additional reason is the need to cry. If your baby regularly awakens more than once at night past the age of six months, it’s possible that he is trying to “catch up” on stress-release crying in order to complete some emotional healing. Perhaps you didn’t recognize his attempts to heal early on, and tried to stop or distract him from crying. Maybe you were misled into thinking that nursing was an appropriate response for all crying, so you frequently offered your breast to comfort him even when he wasn’t hungry. Thus, your breast may have become his pacifier.
The fact that he now demands your breast repeatedly throughout the night does not necessarily mean that he needs to nurse that frequently. It could mean that he has acquired a habit that serves to repress his emotions, just as you might eat something sweet or reach for a glass of wine when you are feeling stressed or depressed. What you really need at those times is probably a warm hug and a loving shoulder to cry on.
In addition to frequent night awakenings, you can look for additional signs that your baby or toddler has not cried enough. Does he have difficulty settling down at night? Is she clingy or demanding during the day? Does she whine a lot? Is he hyperactive or aggressive? These behaviors could all be signs of accumulated stress with insufficient opportunities to cry.
Implementing the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime
To help your baby or toddler sleep longer stretches at night, you do not need to wean him or make him sleep alone. However, you may need to change the way you put him to sleep. Instead of nursing him down, you can nurse him a little earlier in the evening (on both breasts), then brush his teeth. Then simply hold him lovingly until he falls asleep. If he needs to cry, he will probably do so in your arms. Offer him water, but refrain from using your breast to settle him down.
Don’t be surprised if he seems angry. Those angry feelings may be part of the accumulation of stress that he needs to release. Your role is to love and comfort him, but not with the goal of stopping the crying. He will eventually stop crying of his own accord. Some parents like to sing a lullabye when their baby reaches the calm, sleepy state that follows a good cry. Afterwards, your baby will probably drift peacefully to sleep in your arms, and you will then be able to put him down.
If you use the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime and also at nap times, your baby will have a chance to catch up on her crying, and will probably begin to sleep longer stretches at night. She will also get used to falling asleep without sucking. However, if she is used to frequent night feedings, it may take a few days for her body to adjust to fewer calories at night. So if she still awakens at night wanting to nurse, you can continue to nurse her at those times. Be sure to offer plenty of solids during the day, as well as several full daytime feedings of breast milk. I also recommend co-sleeping if you are not already doing so.
In my experience, most parents who implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach find that their babies begin to sleep through the night within a week. These parents also report that their babies seem much happier and calmer during the day. If your baby continues to awaken frequently at night after implementing this approach for a week, you can gradually night wean your baby. I recommend increasing the intervals between night feedings over a period of three weeks (3-hour intervals the first week, 4-hour intervals the second week, and 5-hour intervals the third week). These intervals refer to the time elapsed since the beginning of the previous feeding. If your baby awakens between these intervals, she may need to cry. You can hold her lovingly and allow her to cry in your arms, while offering water. Most babies begin to sleep through the night before the 5-hour interval is reached. I don’t recommend total night weaning because some babies may still need one night feeding past the age of six months.
The role of fathers
Fathers can help implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach. Remember that babies always need connection and closeness when they cry, and they also need closeness before falling asleep. However, they do not always need to nurse, nor do they always need their mothers to put them to sleep. If your baby screams in his father’s arms, it does not necessarily mean that he needs his mother. It may simply mean that he needs to release accumulated stress. When parents alternate bedtime duties right from the start, their babies fall asleep just as easily in either parent’s arms. As toddlers, they willingly accept either parent to put them to bed.
Supporting your child’s daytime crying
In addition to supporting your baby’s pre-sleep crying, you can also take a look at how you normally respond to daytime crying. Do you immediately offer your breast when your baby or toddler hurts himself? Do you distract her from expressing emotions when she is sad, frightened, or frustrated? Do you try to stop his tantrums? While it’s important to reduce stress in your children’s lives, your job is not necessarily to keep your children happy every moment of the day, but to support them while they work through life’s challenges.
All children need to be comforted when they cry, but there’s a difference between comfort that represses emotions and comfort that allows emotions to be felt and released. A good cry with loving support can help children heal, while restoring calmness and joy. The more your baby or toddler cries freely following daily upsets and frustrations, the better he will sleep.
See Aletha Solter’s book, The Aware Baby, for a full description of this approach.
The problem of night waking
The problem of night waking ranks high on the list of parents who consult with me. In a typical scenario, the mother has co-slept and nursed her baby on demand from birth on. She has started the baby on solid foods, but feels dismayed and perplexed when he continues to awaken at night wanting to nurse. When frequent night waking continues for months or years, many mothers become exhausted, frustrated, and resentful.
Some mothers see only two possible solutions for this problem: 1) continue to nurse the baby at night, or 2) night wean the baby by using the cry-it-out approach (also known as controlled crying). Neither approach feels right to them. Continuing to nurse throughout the night only increases the mother’s frustration and anger, whereas letting the baby cry alone can cause the baby to feel abandoned, terrified, and powerless.
The crying-in-arms approach offers a third possibility. This approach can help babies sleep better without ever leaving them to cry alone. Parents who implement the crying-in-arms approach hold their babies lovingly at bedtime without nursing them. Most babies cry hard, but then begin to sleep longer stretches at night. Some even sleep straight through the night for the first time.
Why babies cry
To understand how the crying-in-arms approach works, it is necessary to understand why babies cry. Crying has two important functions: communication and healing. Everybody knows that babies cry to communicate basic needs such as hunger, coldness, or the need to be held. But the healing function of crying is not as widely understood. Babies sometimes cry in order to heal from stress or trauma, even when all of their immediate needs have been met.
Studies have shown that babies in all cultures cry for no apparent reason, and that this crying typically peaks at six weeks of age. The term “colic” is used when the crying seems excessive, but studies have shown that the majority of “colicky” babies have nothing wrong with their digestion. This crying often represents an emotional healing process. Evidence comes from studies showing that babies who had a traumatic birth or whose mothers suffered from high levels of stress during pregnancy cry more than those who did not experience these stresses.
Many babies continue to have crying spells well past the typical period of “three-months’ colic.” They may cry following over-stimulation or out of frustration before developmental milestones such as crawling or walking. Crying also increases when there is stress in the home. Even with the best of parenting, babies experience numerous hurts, frights, and frustrations, and these can all result in a need to cry. When babies reach the toddler stage, their desire for autonomy sometimes results in frustration and tantrums. Temperament also plays a role. Highly sensitive babies cry more than those who are less sensitive.
This stress-release crying represents a normal and beneficial healing process, and we do babies a disservice when we try to stop it. When babies are left to cry alone, they feel terrified, and their cortisol levels increase. However, there is no research indicating that crying in a parent’s loving arms increases a baby’s stress hormone levels or harms healthy babies in any way (assuming all immediate needs have been met). In fact, studies have shown that stress hormones are excreted in tears, and that people have a lower pulse rate, lower blood pressure, and more synchronized brain wave patterns after a good cry.
Accumulated stress as a cause of frequent night waking
There are many reasons why babies and toddlers awaken at night, including hunger, pain, illness, nightmares, fears, coldness, loud noises, or simply the need for closeness. An additional reason is the need to cry. If your baby regularly awakens more than once at night past the age of six months, it’s possible that he is trying to “catch up” on stress-release crying in order to complete some emotional healing. Perhaps you didn’t recognize his attempts to heal early on, and tried to stop or distract him from crying. Maybe you were misled into thinking that nursing was an appropriate response for all crying, so you frequently offered your breast to comfort him even when he wasn’t hungry. Thus, your breast may have become his pacifier.
The fact that he now demands your breast repeatedly throughout the night does not necessarily mean that he needs to nurse that frequently. It could mean that he has acquired a habit that serves to repress his emotions, just as you might eat something sweet or reach for a glass of wine when you are feeling stressed or depressed. What you really need at those times is probably a warm hug and a loving shoulder to cry on.
In addition to frequent night awakenings, you can look for additional signs that your baby or toddler has not cried enough. Does he have difficulty settling down at night? Is she clingy or demanding during the day? Does she whine a lot? Is he hyperactive or aggressive? These behaviors could all be signs of accumulated stress with insufficient opportunities to cry.
Implementing the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime
To help your baby or toddler sleep longer stretches at night, you do not need to wean him or make him sleep alone. However, you may need to change the way you put him to sleep. Instead of nursing him down, you can nurse him a little earlier in the evening (on both breasts), then brush his teeth. Then simply hold him lovingly until he falls asleep. If he needs to cry, he will probably do so in your arms. Offer him water, but refrain from using your breast to settle him down.
Don’t be surprised if he seems angry. Those angry feelings may be part of the accumulation of stress that he needs to release. Your role is to love and comfort him, but not with the goal of stopping the crying. He will eventually stop crying of his own accord. Some parents like to sing a lullabye when their baby reaches the calm, sleepy state that follows a good cry. Afterwards, your baby will probably drift peacefully to sleep in your arms, and you will then be able to put him down.
If you use the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime and also at nap times, your baby will have a chance to catch up on her crying, and will probably begin to sleep longer stretches at night. She will also get used to falling asleep without sucking. However, if she is used to frequent night feedings, it may take a few days for her body to adjust to fewer calories at night. So if she still awakens at night wanting to nurse, you can continue to nurse her at those times. Be sure to offer plenty of solids during the day, as well as several full daytime feedings of breast milk. I also recommend co-sleeping if you are not already doing so.
In my experience, most parents who implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach find that their babies begin to sleep through the night within a week. These parents also report that their babies seem much happier and calmer during the day. If your baby continues to awaken frequently at night after implementing this approach for a week, you can gradually night wean your baby. I recommend increasing the intervals between night feedings over a period of three weeks (3-hour intervals the first week, 4-hour intervals the second week, and 5-hour intervals the third week). These intervals refer to the time elapsed since the beginning of the previous feeding. If your baby awakens between these intervals, she may need to cry. You can hold her lovingly and allow her to cry in your arms, while offering water. Most babies begin to sleep through the night before the 5-hour interval is reached. I don’t recommend total night weaning because some babies may still need one night feeding past the age of six months.
The role of fathers
Fathers can help implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach. Remember that babies always need connection and closeness when they cry, and they also need closeness before falling asleep. However, they do not always need to nurse, nor do they always need their mothers to put them to sleep. If your baby screams in his father’s arms, it does not necessarily mean that he needs his mother. It may simply mean that he needs to release accumulated stress. When parents alternate bedtime duties right from the start, their babies fall asleep just as easily in either parent’s arms. As toddlers, they willingly accept either parent to put them to bed.
Supporting your child’s daytime crying
In addition to supporting your baby’s pre-sleep crying, you can also take a look at how you normally respond to daytime crying. Do you immediately offer your breast when your baby or toddler hurts himself? Do you distract her from expressing emotions when she is sad, frightened, or frustrated? Do you try to stop his tantrums? While it’s important to reduce stress in your children’s lives, your job is not necessarily to keep your children happy every moment of the day, but to support them while they work through life’s challenges.
All children need to be comforted when they cry, but there’s a difference between comfort that represses emotions and comfort that allows emotions to be felt and released. A good cry with loving support can help children heal, while restoring calmness and joy. The more your baby or toddler cries freely following daily upsets and frustrations, the better he will sleep.
See Aletha Solter’s book, The Aware Baby, for a full description of this approach.
The problem of night waking
The problem of night waking ranks high on the list of parents who consult with me. In a typical scenario, the mother has co-slept and nursed her baby on demand from birth on. She has started the baby on solid foods, but feels dismayed and perplexed when he continues to awaken at night wanting to nurse. When frequent night waking continues for months or years, many mothers become exhausted, frustrated, and resentful.
Some mothers see only two possible solutions for this problem: 1) continue to nurse the baby at night, or 2) night wean the baby by using the cry-it-out approach (also known as controlled crying). Neither approach feels right to them. Continuing to nurse throughout the night only increases the mother’s frustration and anger, whereas letting the baby cry alone can cause the baby to feel abandoned, terrified, and powerless.
The crying-in-arms approach offers a third possibility. This approach can help babies sleep better without ever leaving them to cry alone. Parents who implement the crying-in-arms approach hold their babies lovingly at bedtime without nursing them. Most babies cry hard, but then begin to sleep longer stretches at night. Some even sleep straight through the night for the first time.
Why babies cry
To understand how the crying-in-arms approach works, it is necessary to understand why babies cry. Crying has two important functions: communication and healing. Everybody knows that babies cry to communicate basic needs such as hunger, coldness, or the need to be held. But the healing function of crying is not as widely understood. Babies sometimes cry in order to heal from stress or trauma, even when all of their immediate needs have been met.
Studies have shown that babies in all cultures cry for no apparent reason, and that this crying typically peaks at six weeks of age. The term “colic” is used when the crying seems excessive, but studies have shown that the majority of “colicky” babies have nothing wrong with their digestion. This crying often represents an emotional healing process. Evidence comes from studies showing that babies who had a traumatic birth or whose mothers suffered from high levels of stress during pregnancy cry more than those who did not experience these stresses.
Many babies continue to have crying spells well past the typical period of “three-months’ colic.” They may cry following over-stimulation or out of frustration before developmental milestones such as crawling or walking. Crying also increases when there is stress in the home. Even with the best of parenting, babies experience numerous hurts, frights, and frustrations, and these can all result in a need to cry. When babies reach the toddler stage, their desire for autonomy sometimes results in frustration and tantrums. Temperament also plays a role. Highly sensitive babies cry more than those who are less sensitive.
This stress-release crying represents a normal and beneficial healing process, and we do babies a disservice when we try to stop it. When babies are left to cry alone, they feel terrified, and their cortisol levels increase. However, there is no research indicating that crying in a parent’s loving arms increases a baby’s stress hormone levels or harms healthy babies in any way (assuming all immediate needs have been met). In fact, studies have shown that stress hormones are excreted in tears, and that people have a lower pulse rate, lower blood pressure, and more synchronized brain wave patterns after a good cry.
Accumulated stress as a cause of frequent night waking
There are many reasons why babies and toddlers awaken at night, including hunger, pain, illness, nightmares, fears, coldness, loud noises, or simply the need for closeness. An additional reason is the need to cry. If your baby regularly awakens more than once at night past the age of six months, it’s possible that he is trying to “catch up” on stress-release crying in order to complete some emotional healing. Perhaps you didn’t recognize his attempts to heal early on, and tried to stop or distract him from crying. Maybe you were misled into thinking that nursing was an appropriate response for all crying, so you frequently offered your breast to comfort him even when he wasn’t hungry. Thus, your breast may have become his pacifier.
The fact that he now demands your breast repeatedly throughout the night does not necessarily mean that he needs to nurse that frequently. It could mean that he has acquired a habit that serves to repress his emotions, just as you might eat something sweet or reach for a glass of wine when you are feeling stressed or depressed. What you really need at those times is probably a warm hug and a loving shoulder to cry on.
In addition to frequent night awakenings, you can look for additional signs that your baby or toddler has not cried enough. Does he have difficulty settling down at night? Is she clingy or demanding during the day? Does she whine a lot? Is he hyperactive or aggressive? These behaviors could all be signs of accumulated stress with insufficient opportunities to cry.
Implementing the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime
To help your baby or toddler sleep longer stretches at night, you do not need to wean him or make him sleep alone. However, you may need to change the way you put him to sleep. Instead of nursing him down, you can nurse him a little earlier in the evening (on both breasts), then brush his teeth. Then simply hold him lovingly until he falls asleep. If he needs to cry, he will probably do so in your arms. Offer him water, but refrain from using your breast to settle him down.
Don’t be surprised if he seems angry. Those angry feelings may be part of the accumulation of stress that he needs to release. Your role is to love and comfort him, but not with the goal of stopping the crying. He will eventually stop crying of his own accord. Some parents like to sing a lullabye when their baby reaches the calm, sleepy state that follows a good cry. Afterwards, your baby will probably drift peacefully to sleep in your arms, and you will then be able to put him down.
If you use the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime and also at nap times, your baby will have a chance to catch up on her crying, and will probably begin to sleep longer stretches at night. She will also get used to falling asleep without sucking. However, if she is used to frequent night feedings, it may take a few days for her body to adjust to fewer calories at night. So if she still awakens at night wanting to nurse, you can continue to nurse her at those times. Be sure to offer plenty of solids during the day, as well as several full daytime feedings of breast milk. I also recommend co-sleeping if you are not already doing so.
In my experience, most parents who implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach find that their babies begin to sleep through the night within a week. These parents also report that their babies seem much happier and calmer during the day. If your baby continues to awaken frequently at night after implementing this approach for a week, you can gradually night wean your baby. I recommend increasing the intervals between night feedings over a period of three weeks (3-hour intervals the first week, 4-hour intervals the second week, and 5-hour intervals the third week). These intervals refer to the time elapsed since the beginning of the previous feeding. If your baby awakens between these intervals, she may need to cry. You can hold her lovingly and allow her to cry in your arms, while offering water. Most babies begin to sleep through the night before the 5-hour interval is reached. I don’t recommend total night weaning because some babies may still need one night feeding past the age of six months.
The role of fathers
Fathers can help implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach. Remember that babies always need connection and closeness when they cry, and they also need closeness before falling asleep. However, they do not always need to nurse, nor do they always need their mothers to put them to sleep. If your baby screams in his father’s arms, it does not necessarily mean that he needs his mother. It may simply mean that he needs to release accumulated stress. When parents alternate bedtime duties right from the start, their babies fall asleep just as easily in either parent’s arms. As toddlers, they willingly accept either parent to put them to bed.
Supporting your child’s daytime crying
In addition to supporting your baby’s pre-sleep crying, you can also take a look at how you normally respond to daytime crying. Do you immediately offer your breast when your baby or toddler hurts himself? Do you distract her from expressing emotions when she is sad, frightened, or frustrated? Do you try to stop his tantrums? While it’s important to reduce stress in your children’s lives, your job is not necessarily to keep your children happy every moment of the day, but to support them while they work through life’s challenges.
All children need to be comforted when they cry, but there’s a difference between comfort that represses emotions and comfort that allows emotions to be felt and released. A good cry with loving support can help children heal, while restoring calmness and joy. The more your baby or toddler cries freely following daily upsets and frustrations, the better he will sleep.
See Aletha Solter’s book, The Aware Baby, for a full description of this approach.
The problem of night waking
The problem of night waking ranks high on the list of parents who consult with me. In a typical scenario, the mother has co-slept and nursed her baby on demand from birth on. She has started the baby on solid foods, but feels dismayed and perplexed when he continues to awaken at night wanting to nurse. When frequent night waking continues for months or years, many mothers become exhausted, frustrated, and resentful.
Some mothers see only two possible solutions for this problem: 1) continue to nurse the baby at night, or 2) night wean the baby by using the cry-it-out approach (also known as controlled crying). Neither approach feels right to them. Continuing to nurse throughout the night only increases the mother’s frustration and anger, whereas letting the baby cry alone can cause the baby to feel abandoned, terrified, and powerless.
The crying-in-arms approach offers a third possibility. This approach can help babies sleep better without ever leaving them to cry alone. Parents who implement the crying-in-arms approach hold their babies lovingly at bedtime without nursing them. Most babies cry hard, but then begin to sleep longer stretches at night. Some even sleep straight through the night for the first time.
Why babies cry
To understand how the crying-in-arms approach works, it is necessary to understand why babies cry. Crying has two important functions: communication and healing. Everybody knows that babies cry to communicate basic needs such as hunger, coldness, or the need to be held. But the healing function of crying is not as widely understood. Babies sometimes cry in order to heal from stress or trauma, even when all of their immediate needs have been met.
Studies have shown that babies in all cultures cry for no apparent reason, and that this crying typically peaks at six weeks of age. The term “colic” is used when the crying seems excessive, but studies have shown that the majority of “colicky” babies have nothing wrong with their digestion. This crying often represents an emotional healing process. Evidence comes from studies showing that babies who had a traumatic birth or whose mothers suffered from high levels of stress during pregnancy cry more than those who did not experience these stresses.
Many babies continue to have crying spells well past the typical period of “three-months’ colic.” They may cry following over-stimulation or out of frustration before developmental milestones such as crawling or walking. Crying also increases when there is stress in the home. Even with the best of parenting, babies experience numerous hurts, frights, and frustrations, and these can all result in a need to cry. When babies reach the toddler stage, their desire for autonomy sometimes results in frustration and tantrums. Temperament also plays a role. Highly sensitive babies cry more than those who are less sensitive.
This stress-release crying represents a normal and beneficial healing process, and we do babies a disservice when we try to stop it. When babies are left to cry alone, they feel terrified, and their cortisol levels increase. However, there is no research indicating that crying in a parent’s loving arms increases a baby’s stress hormone levels or harms healthy babies in any way (assuming all immediate needs have been met). In fact, studies have shown that stress hormones are excreted in tears, and that people have a lower pulse rate, lower blood pressure, and more synchronized brain wave patterns after a good cry.
Accumulated stress as a cause of frequent night waking
There are many reasons why babies and toddlers awaken at night, including hunger, pain, illness, nightmares, fears, coldness, loud noises, or simply the need for closeness. An additional reason is the need to cry. If your baby regularly awakens more than once at night past the age of six months, it’s possible that he is trying to “catch up” on stress-release crying in order to complete some emotional healing. Perhaps you didn’t recognize his attempts to heal early on, and tried to stop or distract him from crying. Maybe you were misled into thinking that nursing was an appropriate response for all crying, so you frequently offered your breast to comfort him even when he wasn’t hungry. Thus, your breast may have become his pacifier.
The fact that he now demands your breast repeatedly throughout the night does not necessarily mean that he needs to nurse that frequently. It could mean that he has acquired a habit that serves to repress his emotions, just as you might eat something sweet or reach for a glass of wine when you are feeling stressed or depressed. What you really need at those times is probably a warm hug and a loving shoulder to cry on.
In addition to frequent night awakenings, you can look for additional signs that your baby or toddler has not cried enough. Does he have difficulty settling down at night? Is she clingy or demanding during the day? Does she whine a lot? Is he hyperactive or aggressive? These behaviors could all be signs of accumulated stress with insufficient opportunities to cry.
Implementing the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime
To help your baby or toddler sleep longer stretches at night, you do not need to wean him or make him sleep alone. However, you may need to change the way you put him to sleep. Instead of nursing him down, you can nurse him a little earlier in the evening (on both breasts), then brush his teeth. Then simply hold him lovingly until he falls asleep. If he needs to cry, he will probably do so in your arms. Offer him water, but refrain from using your breast to settle him down.
Don’t be surprised if he seems angry. Those angry feelings may be part of the accumulation of stress that he needs to release. Your role is to love and comfort him, but not with the goal of stopping the crying. He will eventually stop crying of his own accord. Some parents like to sing a lullabye when their baby reaches the calm, sleepy state that follows a good cry. Afterwards, your baby will probably drift peacefully to sleep in your arms, and you will then be able to put him down.
If you use the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime and also at nap times, your baby will have a chance to catch up on her crying, and will probably begin to sleep longer stretches at night. She will also get used to falling asleep without sucking. However, if she is used to frequent night feedings, it may take a few days for her body to adjust to fewer calories at night. So if she still awakens at night wanting to nurse, you can continue to nurse her at those times. Be sure to offer plenty of solids during the day, as well as several full daytime feedings of breast milk. I also recommend co-sleeping if you are not already doing so.
In my experience, most parents who implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach find that their babies begin to sleep through the night within a week. These parents also report that their babies seem much happier and calmer during the day. If your baby continues to awaken frequently at night after implementing this approach for a week, you can gradually night wean your baby. I recommend increasing the intervals between night feedings over a period of three weeks (3-hour intervals the first week, 4-hour intervals the second week, and 5-hour intervals the third week). These intervals refer to the time elapsed since the beginning of the previous feeding. If your baby awakens between these intervals, she may need to cry. You can hold her lovingly and allow her to cry in your arms, while offering water. Most babies begin to sleep through the night before the 5-hour interval is reached. I don’t recommend total night weaning because some babies may still need one night feeding past the age of six months.
The role of fathers
Fathers can help implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach. Remember that babies always need connection and closeness when they cry, and they also need closeness before falling asleep. However, they do not always need to nurse, nor do they always need their mothers to put them to sleep. If your baby screams in his father’s arms, it does not necessarily mean that he needs his mother. It may simply mean that he needs to release accumulated stress. When parents alternate bedtime duties right from the start, their babies fall asleep just as easily in either parent’s arms. As toddlers, they willingly accept either parent to put them to bed.
Supporting your child’s daytime crying
In addition to supporting your baby’s pre-sleep crying, you can also take a look at how you normally respond to daytime crying. Do you immediately offer your breast when your baby or toddler hurts himself? Do you distract her from expressing emotions when she is sad, frightened, or frustrated? Do you try to stop his tantrums? While it’s important to reduce stress in your children’s lives, your job is not necessarily to keep your children happy every moment of the day, but to support them while they work through life’s challenges.
All children need to be comforted when they cry, but there’s a difference between comfort that represses emotions and comfort that allows emotions to be felt and released. A good cry with loving support can help children heal, while restoring calmness and joy. The more your baby or toddler cries freely following daily upsets and frustrations, the better he will sleep.
See Aletha Solter’s book, The Aware Baby, for a full description of this approach.
The problem of night waking
The problem of night waking ranks high on the list of parents who consult with me. In a typical scenario, the mother has co-slept and nursed her baby on demand from birth on. She has started the baby on solid foods, but feels dismayed and perplexed when he continues to awaken at night wanting to nurse. When frequent night waking continues for months or years, many mothers become exhausted, frustrated, and resentful.
Some mothers see only two possible solutions for this problem: 1) continue to nurse the baby at night, or 2) night wean the baby by using the cry-it-out approach (also known as controlled crying). Neither approach feels right to them. Continuing to nurse throughout the night only increases the mother’s frustration and anger, whereas letting the baby cry alone can cause the baby to feel abandoned, terrified, and powerless.
The crying-in-arms approach offers a third possibility. This approach can help babies sleep better without ever leaving them to cry alone. Parents who implement the crying-in-arms approach hold their babies lovingly at bedtime without nursing them. Most babies cry hard, but then begin to sleep longer stretches at night. Some even sleep straight through the night for the first time.
Why babies cry
To understand how the crying-in-arms approach works, it is necessary to understand why babies cry. Crying has two important functions: communication and healing. Everybody knows that babies cry to communicate basic needs such as hunger, coldness, or the need to be held. But the healing function of crying is not as widely understood. Babies sometimes cry in order to heal from stress or trauma, even when all of their immediate needs have been met.
Studies have shown that babies in all cultures cry for no apparent reason, and that this crying typically peaks at six weeks of age. The term “colic” is used when the crying seems excessive, but studies have shown that the majority of “colicky” babies have nothing wrong with their digestion. This crying often represents an emotional healing process. Evidence comes from studies showing that babies who had a traumatic birth or whose mothers suffered from high levels of stress during pregnancy cry more than those who did not experience these stresses.
Many babies continue to have crying spells well past the typical period of “three-months’ colic.” They may cry following over-stimulation or out of frustration before developmental milestones such as crawling or walking. Crying also increases when there is stress in the home. Even with the best of parenting, babies experience numerous hurts, frights, and frustrations, and these can all result in a need to cry. When babies reach the toddler stage, their desire for autonomy sometimes results in frustration and tantrums. Temperament also plays a role. Highly sensitive babies cry more than those who are less sensitive.
This stress-release crying represents a normal and beneficial healing process, and we do babies a disservice when we try to stop it. When babies are left to cry alone, they feel terrified, and their cortisol levels increase. However, there is no research indicating that crying in a parent’s loving arms increases a baby’s stress hormone levels or harms healthy babies in any way (assuming all immediate needs have been met). In fact, studies have shown that stress hormones are excreted in tears, and that people have a lower pulse rate, lower blood pressure, and more synchronized brain wave patterns after a good cry.
Accumulated stress as a cause of frequent night waking
There are many reasons why babies and toddlers awaken at night, including hunger, pain, illness, nightmares, fears, coldness, loud noises, or simply the need for closeness. An additional reason is the need to cry. If your baby regularly awakens more than once at night past the age of six months, it’s possible that he is trying to “catch up” on stress-release crying in order to complete some emotional healing. Perhaps you didn’t recognize his attempts to heal early on, and tried to stop or distract him from crying. Maybe you were misled into thinking that nursing was an appropriate response for all crying, so you frequently offered your breast to comfort him even when he wasn’t hungry. Thus, your breast may have become his pacifier.
The fact that he now demands your breast repeatedly throughout the night does not necessarily mean that he needs to nurse that frequently. It could mean that he has acquired a habit that serves to repress his emotions, just as you might eat something sweet or reach for a glass of wine when you are feeling stressed or depressed. What you really need at those times is probably a warm hug and a loving shoulder to cry on.
In addition to frequent night awakenings, you can look for additional signs that your baby or toddler has not cried enough. Does he have difficulty settling down at night? Is she clingy or demanding during the day? Does she whine a lot? Is he hyperactive or aggressive? These behaviors could all be signs of accumulated stress with insufficient opportunities to cry.
Implementing the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime
To help your baby or toddler sleep longer stretches at night, you do not need to wean him or make him sleep alone. However, you may need to change the way you put him to sleep. Instead of nursing him down, you can nurse him a little earlier in the evening (on both breasts), then brush his teeth. Then simply hold him lovingly until he falls asleep. If he needs to cry, he will probably do so in your arms. Offer him water, but refrain from using your breast to settle him down.
Don’t be surprised if he seems angry. Those angry feelings may be part of the accumulation of stress that he needs to release. Your role is to love and comfort him, but not with the goal of stopping the crying. He will eventually stop crying of his own accord. Some parents like to sing a lullabye when their baby reaches the calm, sleepy state that follows a good cry. Afterwards, your baby will probably drift peacefully to sleep in your arms, and you will then be able to put him down.
If you use the crying-in-arms approach at bedtime and also at nap times, your baby will have a chance to catch up on her crying, and will probably begin to sleep longer stretches at night. She will also get used to falling asleep without sucking. However, if she is used to frequent night feedings, it may take a few days for her body to adjust to fewer calories at night. So if she still awakens at night wanting to nurse, you can continue to nurse her at those times. Be sure to offer plenty of solids during the day, as well as several full daytime feedings of breast milk. I also recommend co-sleeping if you are not already doing so.
In my experience, most parents who implement the bedtime crying-in-arms approach find that their babies begin to sleep through the night within a week. These parents also report that their babies seem much happier and calmer during the day. If your baby continues to awaken frequently at night after implementing this approach for a week, you can gradually night wean your baby. I recommend increasing the intervals between night feedings over a period of three weeks (3-hour intervals the first week, 4-hour intervals the second week, and
Patrick, this all makes perfect sense to me. It’s exactly how I feel about how babies should be treated. I wouldn’t conflate a baby crying because he needs or wants something with an older child throwing a s*** fit in a toy store, though. I do agree with you though, that the incidence of kids behaving like monsters publicly drops if they are treated wonderfully well through infancy and with patience through the terrible two’s.
But some kids are raised in infancy with great skill and grace and still behave in an alarming manipulative way. They need to be called on it.
Hi LisaO,
Glad you enjoyed the article. It is so important for me to try and educate people about the many myths and mistakes floating out there regarding pregnancy, birth, post-birth and on through to adulthood. I do not believe that one should “raise” or “rear” a child, but simply love the child and let him grow, having provided a stable home environment for him. This fact has been borne out by people like A.S. Neill who started the school Summerhill.
I am so totally convinced of what I say, because my life has been a journey. Because of a severe childhood, I was a pre-psychotic young teenager. As I searched for help. there wasn’t any to be found. Psychiatry and psychology could do nothing for me. Neither religion nor gurus or whatever exists in this world, until I discovered the wonderful work of Dr. Arthur Janov and Primal Therapy. It is such a pleasure for me to say that today I am fully cured.
I cried enough tears that could fill Lake Michigan. I connected with very deep-seated pains of neglect and abuse from infancy and onwards.
Primal Therapy is such a gentle therapy, yet so powerful in ripping out the hurts and traumas that dictate our lives.
When I see people who are confused and bewildered, pleading and asking for help, such as on this blog, I want to help. I want to tell them that you cannot solve your most deep-seated pains simply by “thinking right”. Pain cannot be removed by circular thinking, religion, resolutions, medications, other people, partners or spouses, healthy eating, vitamins, any belief system, cults or gurus, talk therapy, analysis or any psychotherapy unless it allows you to connect directly with the origin of the hurt. Some of these things can sometimes ease the symptoms a bit, but never effect a cure.
We need to know ourselves, and in my opinion and experience, there is only one way to do it. Go back to the origins of your own past. Avoid any esoteric bull such as “past live therapy” and other booga booga. Also avoid any of the re-birthing “therapies” out there. These people are damaging those seeking help. Stick absolute science .
Correction: ……Should read: Stick to absolute science
Patrick,
I am so sorry that you suffered so much and relieved and happy for you that you found the answer. Strangely, my life experience parallels yours in some remarkable ways. I was hospitalized three times in adolescence for an acute anxiety disorder.
I had to get through all of this while I was in the initial stages of the same neurological disease that has me house bound now.
I rarely talk about it and don’t think too much about it now but can see how it has shaped my personality, sometimes for the better…but not always.
I have been in intensive therapy for years. This is the first thing I did, when I could afford it. Forget nice clothes, or much in the way of material possessions– I spent my money on getting the best emotional support out there.
I have had some experience with primal therapy and think it is wonderful, for the most part. I have learned that when something triggers feelings of helplessness and hurt, in me, it is much better to go with that initial feeling and let myself cry…if at all possible, rather than getting my back up and lashing out. (Though, when dealing with manipulators, lashing out in anger, after throwing up a protective emotional wall, is probably more appropriate. Predators feed on vulnerability)
For me, talk therapy DID work. I am naturally somewhat stoic but am not really repressed. I rebelled against my father’s methods, his verbally and physically abusive approach to his kids, to the best of my ability.
I refused to be beaten into submission, or humiliated into subordination. From a very young age, things had to make sense to me. It’s not so much that I wanted my own way, I was very easy going and flexible. I just required explanations and would become intensely frustrated with being ordered around in a way that didn’t make sense to me and then having my questions, interpreted as confrontations!
For example, father would order, “Do this, this and this and have it done by 10:30 AM”. I was perfectly happy to comply and would ask, as an aside. “Is there a reason it has to be done by that time? Are we going to be going out somewhere?” My father would explode in anger and start screaming at me for “questioning his authority.”
It always threw me a curve ball as I would ask respectfully and out of genuine curiosity and get this over the top response. Just one example, but you can extrapolate from there, what he was like to be around and how detrimental it was for me, a little egg head, anxiety prone kid to have to deal with. Not fun for my siblings either, but I bore the brunt of his anger, because I never quit asking the simple question, “why”?
What a messed up oddball he was.
Flash forward several decades. Those in recovery for recent trauma and past trauma, need to cry, get it out, but they also need their sense of deep curiosity satisfied. Like, “why?”
Our sense of reason and rationale have to be clearly understood and answered. There is nothing scarier than living in a world that is too random and poorly understood, a world or a person who is essential to us but who doesn’t conform to a reality we have always known, who shatters our mental and emotional models. That’s a recipe for deep distress…insanity. It robs us of a sense of mastery and capability.
I’m not sure how anyone gets over being treated so cruelly and dismissed by someone they trusted. Sometimes I can’t even breathe.
Nine months ago I finally got the nerve to move out of the house and leave a 40 year marriage. I’ve been with him since I was 18 and I don’t know how to do this. The hurts just keep coming –
I found out this week that in the divorce I will have to give him a lot of money to buy him out of my business – which I built up and he has never even been involved in. In fact he didn’t want me to start it. When they were valuing my business the accountant discovered that my husband has been tweaking my business numbers before he gave them to our accountant. So I’m filing a correction and will owe a lot in back taxes and penalties. He still won’t admit he did anything wrong – just blames me for not being interested in going over the figures he did. I agree, I should have.
He also went out of town two weeks ago and I took care of the house and the animals for him only to find when he came back he had been visiting at my sisters and no one told me. They invited him up – they haven’t invited me in years.
My mother told me the family was praying that I would become more forgiving. Ouch.
I am alone, I’m hurting, I’m afraid and I still can’t seem to make sense of what’s real and what’s his distortion of things.
I tried for years – I wanted my marriage to work, but I wanted him to not be mean and to be truthful. He couldn’t, he can’t. It was the hardest thing in the world for me to leave my home and my pets, but I felt like I had no choice if I was going to save my sanity. Even after all this time of living in a separate house and going through a divorce I still go back-and-forth in my head whether I’m doing the right thing. I honestly don’t think I will completely recover from this. I’m heartbroken that he would rather walk away from 40 years than to see a marriage counselor or discuss the problems with me.
I am disposable – it’s a hard pill to swallow.
Jean,
My heart goes out to you and I likely speak for everybody here. Being dismissed or emotionally divorced by someone, while married, isn’t always obvious to the outside world, including family.
CD’s, particularly narcissists and psychopaths are very adept at impression management. The BTK serial killer was described as ‘the perfect Dad,’ by one of his kids, AFTER he gave evidence describing how he killed and tortured people!
I hope you are able to find some peace and love elsewhere. Your husband sounds like a prize d***.
Thank you LisaO
Jean, how are you doing today? I could make all sorts of spiritual suggestions, but that would be an imposition. Instead, just know that your story touched me deeply and I have been thinking about your situation and deep despair and hoping that you are feeling just a bit better today. I guess that, like any other life trauma, you have to take it one step at a time and understand that although you were discarded by a nasty individual, you are in no way disposable. It will take a while to process the emotional pain, but you will eventually get there. D something wonderful for yourself, every day…okay? You are loved. I feel we all are . Our pain confusion drama and despair, rest on an underlying bedrock of joy — but it is so sadly obscured for reasons we can’t quite comprehend in the here and now.
I’ve been thinking about Emma’ story and wondering how did such a good person fall into this deplorable trap.
Thinking back over my life I seem to think that the biggest source of my unhealthy confusion was the messages sent by the enablers in my family, my surrounding environment and from society. I wasn’t provided good examples of how relationships should work. Coupled with the strong message that there is good to be found in all people.
What is wrong with me? Everybody is getting along so why can’t I?
When someone I loved repeatedly hurt me, with no conscience, no remorse, there is something very wrong. I needed to learn that it was them not me. And I needed to learn how to be a true peacemaker instead of a peacekeeper.
I was taught to be a peacekeeper and pretend that there was peace when there was really a war going on at home. That is not peace, that is silence. It is the “cult of nice”.
I had to learn to be a peacemaker, to speak up, stand up and stand back. To live in truth and integrity and not to enable someone to repeatedly harm me or others without my protest or consequences.
When you’ve been beaten down for years, it’s what you expect and it’s hard to stand up for yourself. But sooner or later, the lights come on and we either stand up for ourselves or our lights go out and we lose ourselves all together. It is during those times when we start fighting for our very life [not always literally but always spiritually, emotionally and mentally] and it’s not very pretty. That’s why women more so than men, are often seen as a little unstable and overly reactive and angry.
It is a lifelong journey, both a decision and a process. The fine art of listening to my gut; my conscience. We really do carry the answers in our hearts.
It is not the lies of the character disordered that did me the most harm. It’s the lies I told myself. I have found that wising up to character disturbances, and my own struggles sometimes takes unraveling the life I had in order to build the life I want.
It’s not us, it’s them.
“the biggest source of my unhealthy confusion was the messages sent by the enablers in my family, my surrounding environment and from society.”
well put Suzi. I was confused by these things too I see now.
Anne,
Enablers teach us how to keep the peace at all cost. Why do we so easily grasp onto this way of thinking?
Because we care about people. We become too tolerant and too nice for our own good.
I recently went through a book about healing the inner child, and the author pointed out that many of us in dysfunctional families grow up to be too tolerant of inappropriate behavior.
We keep trying to “keep the peace” at all costs, and the cost is our emotional, physical and spiritual (however you define that) health. I remember seeing a (healthy) person at work just slam on the brakes with someone who was being rude and called them on it. Forcefully, not with anger, but with a I-am-finished-with-you-if-that’s-how-you’re-going-to-act type of attitude. And I was wondering how on earth she had the wherewithal to speak up like that, and even, how to know when to speak up. I am learning to do so also, and have now gone no contact with my (ex-)brother. A year ago I was floundering and questioning my every action and reaction. It’s really really tough to peel back all the layers of hurt and get to the “real” us inside – but it is so worth it!
GG,
You said: “It’s really tough to peel back all the layers of hurt and get to the “real” us inside – but it is so worth it!”
Yes, it is worth it. As the old saying goes: “It’s like peeling an onion; you just never know what you’ll find under the next layer.”
You are correct we have learned to tolerate the intolerant. We’ve been too nice for our own good.
Correction on “many of us in dysfunctional families grow up to be too tolerant of inappropriate behavior”
dysfunctional family produces two extremes:
– Nice, too nice for their own good. That is GG
– Nasty, too nasty for anyone around. That is (ex-)brother
🙂
I am having trouble fully walking away from my abuser. He is so sophisticated with his manipulation tactics that I really have to listen to my body instead of my head when he pulls out one of his manipulative tools from his tool box…my body is the one screaming at me and letting me know I am being manipulated. I still find myself trying to engage, thinking if I can talk ‘calmly’ THIS time, I will be listened to since when I am being triggered by his tactics I end up feeling crazy and screaming/yelling to defend myself. Looking back I am shocked how easily I gave over my control to him and how I would end up defending myself for something I am not even capable of doing or defending myself for something HE did. His greatest ‘win’ was on those occasions when he would blame me for something he did. I would react so strongly in my defense. I would get so angry defending my dignity. I would be screaming trying to convince him that I am not ‘crazy and mentally unstable’…which he accused me of often… that I believed I really was crazy. Following these ‘special’ occasions, I would give him an Apology Card, not just saying “I am sorry” but detailing and describing all of the things that I do wrong, begging him to forgive me and saying “you didn’t deserve that kind of treatment because you are such an amazing man.” Those were some of his biggest victories. Any advice on pulling the plug for good? I need to get off this ride, it is making me sick. Thank you.