Grandiose Narcissists
The making of a grandiose narcissist differs from that of other narcissists. I’ve tried to point out many times that narcissism is not a one dimensional phenomenon. There are many types and degress of narcissism, each with its own manifestations and consequences.
Grandiose narcissists differ greatly from the more benign vulnerable, types. Understandably, therefore, these two main varieties of narcissists tend to have different formative backgrounds.
It’s not just environmental backgound that makes a narcissist. Personality and character formation involves a dynamic interplay between a person’s innate traits and the shaping influences in their environment. We’ll leave a discussion of the vulnerable narcissist’s formative influences to another time. Instead, let’s focus on the things that contribute to the making of a grandiose narcissist.
Made to Feel Special
Growing up, grandiose narcissists often get frequent messages that they are “special,” important, or even superior to others. And as adults, they tend to believe they really are so. Attitudes of special status and superiority can easily become a self-fulfilling prophesy, too. That happens when narcissists actually have remarkable acheivements, which only bolsters their grandiose opinions of themselves.
Indulged, Coddled, and Made to Feel Entitled
Grandiose narcissists are in many ways like spoiled little brats all grown up. An objective look at their history often reveals that they were overly coddled and indulged. Codling and indulging children can make them feel deserving, leaving little room for gratitude. Such an attitude, combined with the belief of being special, easily engenders feelings of entitlement. They get the message: forget having to cultivate the character to truly merit or deserve things!! Simply by being the special person they are, they deserve whatever they want!
Praised and Rewarded for All the Wrong Things and Reasons
Long before the research confirmed it, I was speaking and writing about the ways we sometimes unhealthily inflate a person’s self-esteem. The research now also confirms that praise for the wrong things is extremely detrimental to good character. So, it’s no surprise that praising and rewarding for the wrong things play key roles in the making of a grandiose narcissist.
Grandiose characters were often lauded for their nature-endowed qualities and abilities as children. Moreover, they were often neither expected to, nor praised for, using their “gifts” for loving, prosocial purposes. Want to help inflate an ego? Just tell Mary one more time what exceptional blue eyes she has. Or tell Johnny how much smarter he is than the poor dumb sap next door. Even worse, lavish praise and reward on a child for merely being, as opposed to how conscientiously they conduct themselves in the world. What you just might get, if you’re not careful, is a grandiose character.
I’ve written long and hard about the difference between self-esteem and self-respect. And I’ve done my best to explain why some disturbed characters can have truly inflated self-esteem and virtually no cause for self-respect. I go into this matter in depth in Essentials for the Journey.
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Dr Simon,
I re-read your link to inflate a persons self esteem. I know my son had his ego driven by his father and his grandfather as they always treated him and spoke to him as more special than his little brother. This hurt all of us terribly. I tried to always treat my two sons as different as they are individuals, and also the same. Meaning, one was left handed one right handed. As young boys I naturally thought they’d both be righties. I kept telling my younger son it’d be easier if you just write with your right hand!!??
When he told me actually it’s easier with my left hand, I knew I had better put my thinking cap on and treat my children as individuals. Regarding my older son, he really used school as his social hour and frequently was in trouble. Nothing I did seemed to help, he just kept saying I don’t like school, or homework and wouldn’t apply himself. He was able to perform the tasks, he just wouldn’t.
For a time while he was young, I would tell the teachers I know he can do it, he just won’t. I know he’s smart but he won’t apply himself to the task. Taking away outside time would actually make it worse. His father was absent most of his childhood and didn’t really start seeing his sons regularly until they were 10-12 yrs old.
I didn’t tell him he was smart as I didn’t think what he was doing was smart, but did I encourage his behavior do you think. You being honest won’t kill me! I do value your opinion. Thank you!
Pricilla,
A lot of character trait variables affect how a person approaches labor, especially unstimulating labor. There has to be a “higher” reason for them to endure it, otherwise you can expect them to turn what is supposed to be a personal development exercise into a more stimulating “social hour.” With some children, you really have to pour on the reinforcement, not just for work, but for the “willingness” to work.