Readers,
I gave a second interview to a contributor to the Huffington Post that hit today. In case you’re interested, here’s the link to:
Dr. George Simon
A Resource for Understanding and Dealing with Narcissists, Manipulators, and other Problem Characters
Nice! Where’s the first article?
Nevermind! Found the first article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-schorn/divorcing-the-character-d_b_3001431.html .
“Character assassination becomes the norm.”
Again I ask, is it “character assassination” if what you say to other people is the truth about the abuse you have sustained? Calling a spade a spade? Is it character assassination to tell someone that your Spathx was arrested and convicted of domestic violence, went through a program in order to have the felony reduced to a misdemeanor of disturbing the peace but LIED to you about the the real story? I didn’t know the truth about this, and probably many many many other things, until long after we split up. I have not hesitated for one second in telling this to others. His version of the story when told to me was BS!! and it wasn’t something he exactly came forward with on his own anyhow, BS or not!!
My question is, if you are telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in order to get people to GET what you have been through, that can not be character assassination if the person you are speaking about has no character to start with.
One reason I keep thinking of the CD is little things will remind me how angry I was and am at the CD. The anger is a healthy response, however I believe that positive or negative, any emotion of greater “intensity” will intensify your bond to that person.
I talked with a person who tried to get me to redirect that anger into forward-moving energy, to “propel” instead of just cycling in my head.
Claire I so agree! One way to do this is to get busy. Really really busy with things you believe matter and are important. It is so therapeutic. I think of this CD person now…only occasionally. I’ve almost completely moved on:)
Linda, How long has it been since your situation ended? I’m still finding out the truth about his lies and character/ lack there of.
Hi Puddle:) 3 years. But it must take different amounts of time for everyone as we are all different! Plus factor in the exposure time, depth of involvement, level of disorder/disturbance in the person etc.. so I doubt there’s a solid rule on how long. These people really traumatize, no doubt. Hang in there Puddle – You’ll get there too!
THANK YOU Linda 🙂 well, it’s only been a little over a year and less than that since officially NO CONTACT. So……..who knows. It just FEELS like this will never go away. The thing I really have an awareness of is that the way i feel and think about him now is so different than it was when we were “together”. It really does feel like I was in a dream that turned out to be a nightmare. Sureal…..foggy….. My PTSD therapist wants me to make a list of the bad things he did when we were together but it’s so blurry to me, not to mention that what he did (or what I think he did) was 95% SO SO SO covert that it’s hard to get a real KNOWING grip on it.
This therapist is a trauma/ abuse counselor and she has no doubt that he is a Spath. I’m the one always saying,,,,,,”well yeah but blah blah blah……”. Same with my Psychiatrist. Both of them seem to have no doubt that he is extremely disordered. I’m the one not able to grip on to that long enough to really understand it?
“Absolutely. The folks you often refer to as “chumps” often need benign confrontation, too. And they need to be prepared to give up a lot of the expectations and personal inclinations that got them in trouble in the first place. Most important, survivors need to become much more astute appraisers of character to avoid future heartache. ”
So true! We have a reponsibility to ourselves and to our supporters to really do this. It is hard to do without going too far the other way and becoming cynical and bitter and distrusting of everybody.
Well, I have gotten busy and moved on with my life. Doing many things to get my life back to the way I want it to be. It’s something my brain won’t let go of! I wake up in the middle of the night and the first thoughts I’m aware of are about him. Dreams, nightmares, etc. It’s just ALWAYS there. I have a feeling I understand why……
And I don’t feel genuine anger, just extreme sadness, hurt and betrayal and a longing ache I can’t even explain.
It’s really hard to do. I use a lot of energy directing my focus forward, and my mind will snap backwards.
But we have to do it.
I think how long it takes for the nightmare and invasive thoughts to end depends on how toxic the individual was and how much trauma was inflicted on your psyche. Plus, I think some people, due to nature and nurture (or lack thereof) have better coping skills. Nobody should beat themselves up because they don’t feel they are getting better fast enough. That garbage keeps cycling through your head because you have been traumatized. That is NO small matter.
With that said, it does take a lot of effort to train your brain to start thinking about the here and now, because the truth is, you’ll never be able to completely come to terms with what happened to you. Don’t expect much more than baby steps, because it’s baby steps all the way home.
Wish I could make everything okay for you Puddle. I would if I could.
Einstine, That is so sweet and thank you. The thing I feel so bad about is that I’ve read and heard so many HORROR store that are so IN YOUR FACE nightmares and this was only 2 years! Technically even less than two years! It feels like 10 and I can’t even come to grips with the fact that is was such a short period of time! He must have hit me where it really counts…………..and it all coincided with my dropping alcohol and my mother dying…………..I don’t know. WHat I do know is that wrong or right, spath or not, I felt like he was a part of me like I’ve never felt before in my life and now that is gone and I can’t come to terms with the possibility that I felt that way for someone who was an entire fake.
I know that I still cry easily about it and miss him and his touch so much it hurts. I have this desire to call him and say……Spath……you win! I give up! Can we just get this fixed and move on? But…..he already has…is with someone else and their’s no sense in anything I just typed what soever!
I was talking to my Psychiatrist yesterday and retold something that Spathtardx had sent me in an email once. He said: ” I don’t think you really love me Puddle. You think you know what love is but I don’t think you do. It’s something you feel in your heart and it’s what I feel for you”. Well, at the time it created self doubt in me…..maybe I don’t know what love is! But love is more than a feeling, yes? What good does it do your beloved if you “love” them and don’t match those words with your actions? Does a mother just sit on the couch and feel love for her child and not feed it, change it’s diapers, etc, etc? Nooooooo. You can chain a dog out on a tree and admire it from the window and “love” to see it out in the yard but it’s the commitment to caring for and meeting the dog’s needs that shows the dog you love it.
I’m telling you……..he really did a number on my mind…..horrible. These pieces just keep coming up for reevaluation and study in my mind and each time something does…..it’s another whack on the nail head into my heart.
Haven’t been here for a while as I’ve been going through the turmoil of separating from my CD. But yes you can only focus on yourself and the little steps forward. I have never felt so good as when I have said “no more”…no contact and even putting up boundaries. Once I got over my fear of what he might do, say or think and just did what I had to do I felt a real sense of empowerment and suddenly everything became clearer. And a really good counsellor works wonders…I found a great one and I always come away thinking “Yes I can do this!” I still have a long long way to go and he continues to try and wield his power but he’s finding out now that I ain’t playing the game anymore. There can never be enough of such articles on helping people leave these toxic and abusive relationships it takes such an emotional, physical and mental toll on you and your family that some days are just impossible.
Thanks Again Dr Simon your articles and blogs help put everything in perspective and that can only make survivors stronger.
Tori: GREAT!! You sound strong, wise and determined. Good for you for breaking free and learning a very important lesson from it. Personally I am concerned for my safety and have never felt this way before in my life. Who is he really? What is he capable of? I know that some of my actions have made him angry ( or so he says). Maybe not even angry….just vengeful? who are the people from his past? he has been arrested (an convicted of, come to find out) domestic violence! So I don’t care what he says about me but yes……for the first time in my life I feel afraid of someone. Living with that concern does take a mental and emotional toll which also translates into physical toll. My whole body hurts like it NEVER did before all this happened. Sure, i had aches and pains from time to time before got into this mess but NOTHING like now.
Puddle I completely understand your fear. When your safety is compromised it does take a toll on your body, mind and soul. Also not knowing for sure who he really is…I’ve gone through all that. I think to myself I was married to this man for so many years and I really don’t know him but I do know what he is capable of and that’s what scares me too! I feel for you Puddle. I finally made a decision to get a protection order, I know he’ll be mad as hell and right now I am waiting for the repercussions if any but it is the not knowing that’s scary…but I felt really empowered doing it as I suddenly knew I was telling him in no uncertain terms NO MORE!!
Asking for help too is good, it’s difficult to do but I’ve found that there are so many wonderful people out there who will help and that has really made a difference in how I feel by regaining my self esteem and trust in human kindness. I suddenly realised that I had support systems and now for the first time I do see light at the end of the tunnel. I have been given the opportunity for a fresh start somewhere else free of his abuse and a life of my own.
I do hope you can find some peace in the future Puddle, it’s so difficult especially getting emails and phone calls that keep you second guessing. Mine was doing that too and it was ripping me apart. I had to say no contact or I felt I’d never break free. I understand what you mean to by aches and pains…since he’s left suddenly I didn’t have any physical pains that I’d been complaining about for years. It was extraordinary when it dawned on me one day that they had miraculously disappeared. Sure I did have some really heartbreaking and gut wrenching times during this adjustment of separating but that’s getting easier now. Once I have a place of my own hopefully where he won’t find me I will have time to get to know myself again. Then I’ll tackle the next phase of dealing with him which will no doubt be a painful experience.
I wish you strength Puddle and I’m sure you’ll find it when all those pieces finally come together and the picture reveals itself. It’s those little steps forward…I know I didn’t really believe it at the start but it is so true. 🙂
Tori, Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. AND I’m sorry you are on the Spath Bus with the rest of us………..it is just so bizarre and I can’t imagine what further destruction this would have caused me (and others) if it the help and support I HAVE found wasn’t there! His first and second wife had nothing like this available when she was involved with him. Of course he drove her right over the cliff. She, like me, probably had issues anyhow but I’m sure she did after being involved with him. Of course she is an “evil B” and crazy….. and I am crazy and the one before me was a drug addict and the wife before that ignored poor Spathtards needs once the baby was born……..and might as well have been a lesbian……
How horrible for manboy Spathtard to be so victimized in life and to have to move in with mommy in his 40’s, LOL!!! Pathetic
Anyhow, I don’t receive calls anymore, no texts,……I have closed off all avenues of communication with him but i’m sure it’s a mute point anyhow. I’ve been discarded.
So, a restraining order is a maybe because it WOULD free me to be able to go to the local restaurants and not have to worry about him crawling in…..and it would mean that if he saw me at a store he could not speak to me. That would be nice but it does not erase the fact that i have no idea who the manboy is, who his sister really is (I’m pretty sure she was in on this), who his “”friends”” are, etc.
I am more than willing and able to defend myself on my own property, thats for sure. He knows it too. But still……the lingering feeling and insidious “fear”/ concern is horrible. I can and will defend myself with lethal force if necessary but do I WANT to? No. Do I want to live with this concern for who knows how long? No.
I don’t know how you learn to live with something like this….potential harm to yourself by someone you really thought you loved yet came to find out is a fraud?
Thanks again Tori and I wish you everything back!! 🙂
Thanks Puddle… I may have spoke to soon…repercussions came today and have set me back a bit…he’s probably thinking I’ll be a mess (which I was for a little bit) and checking doors and windows but now just have to get back up again and keep going. I’ve lost so much weight through stress…Yeah I’ve been discarded too only he’s just trying to completely grind me into the ground for his own pleasure no doubt. Sigh…
Tori………repercussions? Please be cautious, I know you will be. I’m addicted to the Investigation Discovery Chanel and it would seem that there is no end to what some of these idiots will do to defend all kinds of things, childish ego, money, mistresses, etc. They really are like a 3 year old child armed with a machine gun.
I would love to put a restraining order on the sorry looser and would not do so to protect my safety……actually I can’t because he has given me no legitimate reason so then what? Tell a judge that I want a RO because I’m afraid? He can’t call me, text me, etc and I don’t think he would be bothered. When I had the Sherifs dept return an item he had left on my property that wasn’t even mine (trespassing to do so) the guy made it perfectly clear to him what would happen if he came on my property again. I would never hurt someone physically unless i had to and he would be at the top of my list, actually the only one on the list, that I would have no problem neutralizing. I look at him now as a total stranger with no love in my heart for, only confusion. An infected splinter that must be removed. A parasite that feed off of my heart. If he doesn’t realize how much my attitude towards him has changed, that’s his problem. He would be making a huge mistake trying to harm me.
With everything i’ve done to let people know what he has done, friends, acquaintances, sherif’s dept, etc…..he’s be busted in a flash. I honestly think he learned his lesson about physically harming someone when he was busted for DV. However, it certainly didn’t cure him……it just drove his methods underground to a more covert and insidious place.
Seems they can turn yOUR behavior, which is only a reaction to their abuse, around on you in their warped heads and make mountains out of mole hills in their thinking. He did this time and time and time again………which of course took the focus off of him and buried the actual problem……
Hugs to you Tori……Be safe and smart and strong. He’s a POS and you are not.