Perhaps nothing is as important to character as revering the miracle of life. Such a reverence has to develop early on. And just revering human life is not sufficient. It’s incumbent upon us to appreciate the preciousness of all life. Moreover, we do well to appreciate the entire creation that enables life and sustains life. We’re but a small part of that vast and profound creation. Remembering that can truly humble us. And humble reverence lies at the very heart of character integrity.
Our Narcissistic Age
Revering life and all the other miracles of creation challenges almost anyone in our age and culture of narcissism. Our self-absorption and self-indulgence virtually marries us to the “pleasure principle.” (See also: Mastering Appetites and Desires) As a result, we tend to take life and the miraculous creation that sustains it for granted. Almost everything we do revolves around satisfying our desires. We seek what pleases us and avoid what pains us. We usually stop and think about the preciousness and fragility of life itself we face the possible loss of it. So, it’s hard to be mindful of the precious gift that makes it all possible on a regular basis.
Revering Life Is Sometimes Hard to Do
Because we align ourselves so firmly with the pleasure principle, revering life itself is hard to do. The proof of this is that when we’re in deep pain we can sometimes wish we weren’t even here. And we can easily wish people who brought great pain upon us weren’t here either. We have to move past the pleasure principle to value life over everything else. And this is a reality the people of my home state of Arkansas had to face starkly over the past few weeks.
In the name of all its citizens, the state sought to execute 8 people in just 11 days. And it did so for the most ignoble of reasons. One of the drugs used to terminate life was close to its expiration date. But because of various legal challenges, so far the state has managed to end the lives of only four. So, it probably won’t reach its goal of executing all eight.
Now, the folks the state demanded forfeit their own lives had inflicted great suffering on others. (Although evidence seriously questioned the true guilt of at least two of those executed.) So, on one level, you can easily understand the state’s position. But as a people, we supposedly regard life as an inalienable right. As such, we can abridge it for good cause, but never revoke it. Acknowledging it as an endowment, we lack the right to rescind it .
The Heart of Many Problems
I’ve worked as a therapist for many years. And I’ve dealt with many problems. It’s hard for me to think of a human dilemma I’ve encountered that didn’t have at its root a lack of positive regard for a person and the preciousness of their life. So I work with folks to transcend the pleasure principle. We have to get past doing only what we think will please us. And we have get beyond doing what we think we have to do to avoid pain. We have to become champions of life itself and all that sustains it. I know that sounds trite. But love is, and always has been, the answer. And loving is difficult at times, especially when it entails sacrifice.
Revering life involves more than just opposing abortion or the death penalty. To truly revere life you have to commit yourself to the hard work of nurturing and sustaining it. That means tending to its advancement wherever and whenever you see the opportunity. Life can’t thrive in the absence of love. Problems come when we don’t love ourselves properly and when we don’t know how to properly love others. Narcissistic folks haven’t developed sufficient care (i.e. empathy) to properly tend to either task. They just want to indulge themselves. And they feel entitled to do whatever it takes, regardless of the impact. They revere neither life nor the value of the lives of others. And their lack of reverence defines their pathology.
Tidbits
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And they feel entitled to do whatever it takes, regardless of the impact.
And that includes using your own children
Many times it is difficult to revere life when one is brought up in an environment where possessions and position mean more than human life. I will admit I have done this in my own life and am wholly sorry and ashamed.
I hate the blame game , however, our society as a whole is a party to ones distorted views and lifestyles. Regardless, as children and I was one of them, tend to live what they have learned and lived from their parents. It is known as generational sin. It was a harsh an loveless childhood of sorts, in many ways I found places of peace and private hiddey holes that kept my mind from the toxic distortion that took hold of my siblings except for one other whom was killed at the age of 17.
Quote from topic: ” We usually stop and think about the preciousness and fragility of life itself we face the possible loss of it. So, it’s hard to be mindful of the precious gift that makes it all possible on a regular basis.” How very true, it took for me this realization, laying in a hospital bed, legs paralyzed, naked under a sheet and only a buzzer to call for the nurse, the realization how precious — LIFE—– truly is.
With surgery and a hospital stay of a month and with immense determination I was able to return home with the use of a walker and non-stop pain. I forgive the woman whose dogs mauled me and almost killed me. I gave all my grief and anger to the ultimate judge, my creator whom I know as YHWH or Yahweh. Since then I have heard she has died of cancer. This was a turning point of ultimate acceptance of humility in forgiveness or to choose hate. Because this person did not revere my life, I choose to revere her life.
I truly didn’t care if I lived or died. I have to give credit to the doctors and nurses who cared for me. Living with pain gave me a special gift I had not realized that was bestowed upon me from this experience. I have always been an empath, but this tragedy is what helped restore my reverence for life and I give credit to the amazing caregivers in the hospital that raised my spirits, poured out compassion and yes, brotherly love. My caregivers came in all sizes, shapes, colors, faiths, you name it, they were all just loving individuals who loved their fellow man.
Yes, I revere those caretakers, with the utmost respect and will never forget how they had helped me and still do. Their only request is for me to pay forward and do the same for my fellow man. I feel privileged to have found this blog,( suggested by one of my caretaker)s and the outpouring of so many loving, supportive people.
We come into this world with nothing and we will go out with nothing. We can depart from this world holding the hands of our loved ones or look at a worthless piece of paper with $00000000000000000000’s, material possessions that have no meaning except for the carrion that hover above us or the predators waiting with fake smiles and empty, lying words of concern.
What is life about? It’s about life, our life, our families, our friends, our neighbors, our fellowman’s life, otherwise, there is nothing. Without the others in our lives we shrivel up and die.
Other experiences have formed and shaped my reverence for life. Now lays ahead the soul work, the journey to reconnect with my authentic self, to help others along this journey, sharing my experiences but most of all helping another to find peace, love, hope and release from the pain this world can entangle us in.
I have much work to do, to love my neighbor, to be honest and truthful, to be loyal and grow a sound moral and spiritual compass. With this I will have to work on accountability, self sacrifice and self control.
Life is a gift of God, to be shared with all and a hope for eternity.
As always,
Blessing to all.
Btov,
How beautiful! Thanks for sharing all of that. You’ve made a silk purse out of a sow’s ear through revering life. I am so sorry you had to go through such Hell but you’ve come through the other side, while acknowledging the work you still have to do.
Amen to that and I feel the same way myself. I think I have an even longer way to go — to rid myself of anger, suspicion, guilt (when it’s unwarranted) and just being a bit of a ranty, cranky b**ch at times. If I truly revere life, I don’t want to cause suffering, even if it’s of the, “OMG, I wish she would just shut up,” variety!
LisaO,
How sweet of you, thank you for the compliment. At the same time I want to tell you how blessed we all are that you returned. You add so much to this blog and I admire your deep thinking and heart felt thoughts.
It we are truly growing and doing our work, our journey will never end. For me the key is HUMILITY. The feelings of anger, suspicion and guilt can keep us stuck, however, in these times when the CD are everywhere it is a natural reaction, something we lacked long ago.
I think at this stage in life, and if I may say, I think you might be in the ranks of one of us Golden Girls, you earned to have rants, be cranky and a Queen B at times. You know if you need to let off steam, your welcomed to let some of it off here, we will understand and love you all the more.
Hugs, and blessings Sister!!!!!! and AMEN to that………………
If you are willing to serenely bear the trial of being displeasing to yourself, you will be for Jesus, a pleasant place of shelter.
————————-Saint Therese of Lisieux
The Life That I Have
by Leo Marks
The life that I have
Is all that I have
And the life that I have Is yours.
The love that I have
Of the life that I have
Is yours and yours and yours.
A sleep I shall have
A rest I shall have
Yet death will be but a pause.
For the peace of my years
In the long green grass
Will be yours and yours and yours.
Joey
BTOV be happy
Desiderata
By Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Joey,
Thank you, that was absolutely beautiful. I know you choose it just for me and I am humbled. Blessings and many Hugs
This one is for you.
Psalm 23 King James Version (KJV)
23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
thank you
“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne Dyer
Joey
“The best revenge is not to be like your enemy.”
“When another blames you or hates you, or people voice similar criticisms, go to their souls, penetrate inside and see what sort of people they are. You will realize that there is no need to be racked with anxiety that they should hold any particular opinion about you.”
Marcus Aurelius
How does one develop empathy for another? My husband and I are in a bit of a quandary after 35 years of marriage. I am convinced we both could use some old fashion concern and care of the other, and seem to be more concerned about being on guard from the abuse of the other. Of course, I really am abused, and he really may be clueless due to a head injury and medication for pain supplemented by marijuana usage. Neither one of us wants to give up on our marriage, but it is hard for me personally not to believe he is just a deliberate narcissist unable to change. Yet I have become less than compassionate. I have no idea if that makes sense. I must admit fear that I am in an impossible situation, yet I believe we really do love each other, although imperfectly. So, again how do I build empathy for him and let go of my defenses and suspicions?
Kay, Thats a tough question. You may love each other but it has possibly become toxic. Not good. You may lways “love” him, but also know he is not going to return your love in the way you need.
My situation is probably very different than yours, but I left my husband after 41 years of marriage. We are now divorced. He was very manipulative and treated me as if he wanted to destroy me and my self esteem. In fact he nearly did.
I cannot be around him and keep my handle on reality. I know that now. I am angry and heartbroken. But I still love him – but I don’t respect him. I don’t wish we were back together. But I still can’t handle it if I think he is suffering. Probably a normal feeling considering I lived and cared for him for 4 decades.
To keep my sanity I have convinced myself that since he wouldn’t work on the marriage or see a marriage counselor – that he is very happy now being single. It actually makes me feel better to think he’s happy.
I know that sounds messed up – but, that’s how I cope with the guilt feelings that have become ingrained in me over the years regarding him. And I know he is the one who instilled that guilt in me.
Crazy? Absolutely. But I realize my head knows what my heart can’t seem to grasp.
I love him- I hope he’s doing well – but he disgust me.
Jean, Kay,
Have on overload. Jean, yes, he did want to destroy you, you are what he can never be, you possess all the qualities of life and goodness, he envies and loathes at the same time. The destruction revolved around “Power over One.” CONTROL
Kay, Jean, it is alright that you love or loved them and it will lessen with time, but nonetheless, we loved then. A quality they are incapable of feeling. This does not mean the can’t feel a form of love. I am not going to expand on some things, as I don’t want to confuse the issue or give false hopes.
Jean, it is alright to have these feelings, we all are different inside and many would disagree with me. You have learned and now know that it would be harmful for you to go near what is more defined as a rabid dog. Having fallen in love with the sweet side of the pup even it was a lie. In some cases for us who have been married to these kind for so long, We were the one they were the only ones they came close to having a taste of what love might be.
Jean, I do not believe he is happy, these kind are never happy unless momentarily, your X never thought you would leave him, you pulled your self together in order to survive, and in loving someone the most unselfish thing one can do is to set them free.
He instilled guilt but we allowed it. In acknowledging this fact we take back our power and we also establish, hopefully, firmer boundaries so that another predator doesn’t smell that unhealed weakness.
Jean, it isn’t messed up that you would wish him happiness, I believe it is far better to feel this way than in a hateful way as it draws our positive life force from us. Never, Ever, Forget that he wishes nothing but the opposite, given the chance he would destroy you.
Jean, stay posting here in your community of friends, it takes time, we are all different and unique unto ourselves. What one person, could not give a single thought to and be over it in 2 months, it may take you two years, five or a lifetime. Do in the way you can deal with it and truly, times does heal.
I love my first husband, I have filed it away, and at times some of those memories good and bad come flowing back. My second X, yes I love him too, but in a different way, many times I think “Oh how I loved you.” But it is today, my thinking is different, I have grown, I understand things I never imagined existed. I don’t wish him ill will as he will bring more on himself that I could ever pronounce. I am not a vengeful person,
I think it is wise to take things at your pace and begin to make your acquaintance with the real Jean who has been in hibernation and suppressed for 40 years and get to know her. Stay happy and true to yourself, in the end this will hold you in good standing.
Jean, I don’t know if you belong to a church, but many times they offer many programs you can get involved in. Meet other nice woman and do things. Some offer exercise classes, join the choir, etc…… Many times their are many like minded souls just like ourselves looking for friendship and companionship. Mayhap, you may meat a nice gentleman who lost his wife but under different circumstances.
Hugs and keep posting
You’re not messed up. You’re a good person and you probably have the same concern for him a mother would have for a disabled child. In a way, that’s what they are, disabled ( partly by choice?) children.
Don’t get on your own case for being kind. Just don’t let the goof back into your life. Amd good idea to think of him as happy being single. He definitely prefers it to following any kind of rules regarding decent behavior.
Kay,
Your beliefs are fact-based. If he doesn’t make an effort to change then he won’t.
Are you sure you need to let go of defenses and suspicions? If you have reason to be suspicious, how could you not be?
Sounds like a lot has happened, negatively, to you in your relationship. I think if those issues aren’t addressed, they won’t be resolved, and therefore, you will have your guard up, as you should.
I think to let go of them you’ve got to do a lot of work, either in counseling or reading.
Your marriage might have a chance. I hope it does.
https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_lessons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness?language=en
LisaO
When I think about it my mother/grandmother were just children in the bodies of adults. My mother particularly was very infantile. Her brother ( the one that whent no contact with both my mother and grandmother) was 4 yrs younger than her. I believe that her emothional development all but stopped at this age. Her diet was based on sugar and fat. She only ate about six different things on a regular basises her whole life. Unless I cooked.
She could not plan ahead for her self and I believe that in some way she did not recognize if she was hungry.thirty or tired. Just like a infant. I was told last year that she had died. I cannot say if this is true or not but it could be. The last time I saw her. She had gone down hill very rapidly. Her mental state; had appeared to deteriorate. The last thing she said to me was FFCKING SHUT YOUR MOUTH
Joey,
I know in my country if you google the persons name, death notices will come up if a person has died. If you want to check, this may help you. I am sorry those are the last words you have to remember from your GM. Something Eudox said in one of her posts “Know Thyself.” Joey, you have no idea how happy I was when you started to post again and the poems you have written to me are close to my heart.
With these ones, especially in these times, we are the “anomaly” the different ones in what is called a family, we carry a heavy burden of being the odd guy out. It is difficult and painful when we can go through life not really knowing love from the ones that are the ones we count on to love us. We are cheated out of this. It is sad to think those are the last words in your memory banks of GM.
Know this, in the way Dr. Simon created this support and educational blog, we have the ability to get to know one another and in our way we care and love another sharing our most private memories and pain. You are very special to us. Joey, you have been posting for a long time and we have come to know each other. Dr. Simon really has created a family here for so many of us. I miss many of the members who have come and gone and am grateful for the ones that have stayed. Both you and LisaO were gone for awhile and am happy both of you are back and doing well.
Joey, we many not be your family of origin, however, we are your family brought together under sad circumstances. The beauty is from all the ugliness, you have gained other brothers and sisters, kindred spirits, who know and feel your pain. I hope we all can keep building our relationships together. We have so much to offer to one another.
(((((Hugs)))))
How are you doing Lucy and AndyD?
BOTV
I’m doing okay here. I’ve learned so much thanks to coming here and reading the posts and articles of Dr. Simon. I’ve gotten over my anger (well, the intense anger, put it that way) regarding the SB and now understand and know how to deal with him. Hopefully I’ll be divorced soon, but I don’t foresee being rid of his nonsense for a long time to come.
BTOV,
I am doing ok, except facing few false cases.
It is amazing to see the petitions in court… these jokers play their game in court too. For example, I wrote something to effect “I may visit you for a short while”. That single sentence is being projected as rock-solid evidence that “I promised to permanently move back after taking a short break away from her”. 🙂
AndyD,
I am glad you are OK.
Hm…… So you made the statement that was taken out of context.
“I may visit you for a short while.”
Many of the sick CD’s would have twisted that statement out of context to mean:
“I am coming to get you” meaning, to do her harm. I am glad she didn’t pull that one on you.
Can I ask how long it has been now and when do you expect your hearing? I know it is easier for us women to verbalize what is happening. Men are more reserved. Please know we are all praying for the best outcome possible and we all are here for you. Just like you have been here for us.
I truly, admire how you have handled everything with your STBX. You have exhibited immense composure which takes strength, your unrelenting resolve and above all you have been a gentleman.
Regardless, you will walk away with your dignity and your character intact, those assets are priceless. Believe me, she will see and know you have retained your gifts. This is what she really wants from you and she will never get it.
Hugs and many blessings
Haha. That is equally good twist. Maybe she will use that some other day. While this twisting is expected, the funniest part is that she is submitting original written text as evidence backing her claim. 😀
AndyD,
I know in all this you will lose a lot. Looking at it in a positive light, utilizing all the valuable info on Dr. Simon’s blog and especially the 10 Commandments of Character give you the upper hand. In this you grow in character and when applied, which I know you have done, you will have gained gifts beyond your wildest dreams. I only say this because this site has been my salvation.
The irony of all this is, you already know the answers and are not in the dark. You deal in the light and truth. STBX will make her own bed, you only need to sit back and watch. AndyD, give her all the rope she wants, be ultra generous, she will hang her ownself. The sad part in all this is your daughter.
Remember, girls/daughter will pick up on their dad’s loving nature. I hope your daughter has more of your genes. Most girls love their Dad’s and use them as a role model for whom they choose. Your daughter will remember you, never speak ill of her mother although mom speaks negatively of father.
AndyD, I think I told you, I gave the book you recommend by Dr. Simon In Sheep’s Clothing to my male neighbor who went through a divorce and lost half of everything and his boys he loves. We talk at times and walk our dogs. He never speaks ill of his sons mother, they are beginning to see for their selves. I think in the near future he will obtain custody of his sons.
BTOV,
Yes. Completely agree with you that one only need to sit back and watch these jokers bury themselves in the holes that they dig for others. I am expecting that in 6 months to a year, my wife’s hot air balloon will be shot down to earth, and then it will be a slow downward slide for her. Her parents are also similar, in fact they created dysfunctional family environment, but they lasted much longer because they could keep their shitty behaviour under wrap for much longer. It is now more than 2 years since I had my Eureka moment reading In Sheeps Clothing. It still amazes me that people can ruin themselves so much, just because they want to maintain one up position at any cost.
Yes. I did read your comment fully. I hope your help, helps your neighbour in dealing with his ex-. Gaining custody is not so important, it is more important if your neighbour can deal with ex- in better way, call her bullshit for what they are, expose her real character, and stand as good character role model for his sons.
I too hoping for same for my daughter. I will be clubbing a custody petition with main petition. Let us see how it goes, at minimum I will get visitation rights, and spending part of summer vacation with me. That will be good start and keep her exposed to saner world and large set of decent relatives.
LisaO
I’m sorry for your mother said such awful things to you. We always want that affection, kind word, but just can’t get it.
Cannot find anything online. Have tryed before. I can obtain a death certificate from Govenment archive at a cost of £10. The point is NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT.
I decided 40 yrs to late. On no contact. If she is dead. Then god takes us all in the end. SO BE IT.
Joey she’s been dead her entire life. They all are. When my sister checks out I won’t be going to her funeral I could care less if I even hear about it same with my former best friend. They are already dead in my eyes and much like Andy D I think I prefer it that way.
And the painful truth is I spent 46 yrs in her company. Also 24 yrs in the company of IT’S Mother (THE GRANDMOTHER)
Were as My uncle and cousin abandoned there’s
I revere the conman Psycho who tortured me, to a point. In the past, I enjoyed imagining myself as a crazed gunman in a an old Western bar scene making him dance by spraying the area around his feet with bullets. Is that so wrong? I punched him a few times too, in my mind’s eye. That was cathartic.
But I really don’t want anything truly horrific to happen to him or anybody else.
Hi Btov!!
LisaO
The other day my good friend mentioned she’d literally bumped into the SB at a store, and said he looked horrible. Then she had a sad face and looked up and said “Why do I feel bad for him? He’s awful!” My other friend had the same look and said the same thing. I said it’s because we are human and don’t like to see another suffering. But then remember what he’s doing to me, and you won’t feel sorry for him. But yes, I even feel sad for him at moments, then come back to the realization of what the awful things he does to me. It’s a confusing feeling.
I don’t mind mine dead.
I wouldn’t shed a tear
Andy
I was given good advice. Anything you put in writing to her wrote as of a judge would read it
That wife of yours is full of vengeance. I think the judge will k is she’s a lying POS
AndyD,
It seems yours D is taking as long as Lucy ‘s and mine. It is so draining and torturous. The CD want to take us into that vast wasteland of hate and bitterness, hoping we will wither and die like they are inside. Take good care of yourself, many times I think in so many regrards it is harder on a man going through this. Men are supposed to be strong and have no feelings and that is so wrong.
A neighbor of mine, a man went through an ugly divorce. She took so much from him and his two sons make up excuses to come and stay with their Dad. I told him, in time his sons will be old enough and he should take her back to court for custody. In cases like this when the children are 12 and older the Judge many times will talk with the kids in chamber and then decide if a change should be made. He is a good man, I gave him In Sheeps Clothing like you suggested Andy.
BTOV,
Biases (man vs woman) are everywhere. And, many are good rule of thumbs. But, the key is that these biases or heuristics are applicable to vast majority but not to everyone. They will generally give good result most of the time, but not every time. And, when these biases are not applicable to the situation at hand, they actually make problem much much worse.
A naive man with unscrupulous women will surely have tormented life.
BTOV, Andy, Lucy, Lisa EVERYBODY.
I can well imagine the treacherous swamp of court is bad enough without having a CD try to eat you alive while in it. The courtroom is the realm of the dead. The Magistrates and/or Judges are all necromancers and what do necromancers do? They summon the dead. Firstly you get the SUMMONS. They wear black then they call you up to “give your name” that’s how they do it here in Oz. Okay might be a bit different for a custody case. But if we “give our name” we are agreeing that we are the “dead corporate fiction”. That is the name that appears on the birth certificate. Not the living, breathing man or woman under God, but the dead corporate fiction “the dead” standing before the sorcerer. By giving our name we have just placed ourselves in their jurisdiction under their authority.
However, that’s for another day just dealing with your respective CDs will be enough death for one day. A CD should be right at home in a court room seeing it’s surrounded by it’s own kind.
There is a new kid on the block in UTubleland claims to be a narcissist and is giving some interesting talks, not Sam Varknin. He’s got a couple of talks on dealing with CDs in court.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GknP-8QyYQs&t=136s
Many of you have already given some of the advice he’s advocating. So I dare say he’s worth listening to. There is another link to another woman doing the same, she’s been through it as well.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-LFevkioV4
MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!
Lucy,
Yep. That is how it was written as if not just judge but whole world will some day read it. It doesn’t portray a pretty picture, but it was truth presented in harsh and direct language with very little or none offensive/derogatory remarks.
She is trying to twist the stated truth around to fit her story, and it won’t survive cross-examination. 🙂
Andy D staying in truth is the only thing we can do. It doesn’t matter if it’s not pretty, truth often isn’t. Integrity is everything and while I hate to sound cliche character matters.
Cross examination of a CDMNSP would be interesting indeed, their delivery will fall somewhere between word salad and disorganized schizophrenia. They always find ever more new and menacing ways in which to twist and distort the truth.
Andy D,
I’d love to see her cross examined on that one. It will really highlight the twisted story she has to tell.
My own SB is now representing himself, and will be examining me on the stand. This will be my ultimate test of composure and control of emotions. Goodness help me. I’d like to punch the hell out of him.
Lucy,
When time comes to be on stand, when questions are asked, do not answer immediately. Take several moments to breathe deeply and think about the answer. If you need more time ask SB to please repeat the question. SB will go for the buttons, lawyers always push in court, he thinks he knows yours, lets say he knows the old buttons, just his voice alone and his demeanor will want to pull you back in.
Your ace card, SB doesn’t know the knowledge you have gained and you have been growing in strength, courage and character, the real you. Turn your chair towards the judge and only look at him if need be. Remember, he is Mr. ——— If you slip and call him by his first name, that will be understandable. In facing the judge you take some of his power away and that will tick him off. Not losing yourself in angry replies will also benefit you and looking at the judge you will build a report. If you are sad, let the tears and emotions of betrayal come, but let it unfold in the answer.
SB is on the great stage of life and this will be an immense infusion of supply, you will be able to turn down the flow. SB will feel this loss of power and in that he will become even more domineering and out of control to gain more control. Give him all the rope he wants, bring plenty along, in the meantime he will become entangled in in all the rope and just enough left for the hanging.
Be prepared for literal craziness of unimaginable lies and intrigue and whatever he is the perpetrator of he will accuse you of. A truly sick and yes “evil” being.
Hugs and as always my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Lucy,
Calmness and composure in court will go a long way. If you maintain your composure, he will lose his upon failure to provoke you. In civil/family cases where hard-evidence is not easy to come by, perception and biases matter a lot.
In my opinion, it helps a lot to get prior practice, for example, practicing a presentation in front of mirror. Get a good friend to do a mock trial at home asking you all the irritating question and twisted stuff that he may conjure up.
Of course your lawyer should help you by interrupting him when you appear to be at loss. But, why leave it to others.
PITY is away into your soul. If you read Martha Stouts The socipath next door.It is one of her 13 rules.
Joey – I can see I’m going to have to get this book. It keeps coming up time and time again. Sounds like a must have.
I commented on a UTube of Sam Varknins the other evening. It was very short, one sentence and I said something about mothers. He actually replied to my comment and left me a link. It was fascinating to say the least. I will have to find it again and re-post it here.
You can can listern to an Audiobook of The socipath next door on Youtube.
Luke and Skip also Doreen. Listern and learn. See if they sound like someone you know. Maybe Just aspects of them. DC’S Exist on a scale
After living with a sociopathic husband for 14 years and two kids later, never even realizing the entire time I was with him what he was, he had me convinced the problem was me. I didn’t believe my own eyes. My family of origin had a lot to do with me not identifying abuse and I was very young and alone. But after a long time of being away from him I stumbled onto a website that talked about sociopaths and what they do. I had a revelation of understanding what had actually gone on and all the pieces came together, it finally made sense. Just recently I met a man who tried to trick me by manipulation and subtle comments. I was so glad to tell him I wasn’t interested. In fact I told him twice before and he denied remembering it the second and 3rd time. No contact for that one, and I am glad I was able to discern his trickery. I have a problem with the traits my grown daughter is exhibiting though she is not nearly like her father she is manipulative, lies and likes to make me feel less than. I am dealing with her right now but I will not allow any of these types into my life any longer. What a waste of time.
by Somya Sachdeva, India
War or peace,what do we really want?
Is victory the only criteria in a war!
when so many people are lost
at such a heavy cost,
it is such a sad plight
to see so many people die
without their loved ones in sight.
The soldiers were called
to come and fight
to show everybody their earthy might
they fight and fight
standing at such a great height
where even man’s wanted
requirements are not right.
Some were dead
Some are alive
but is this the right thing to do?
I am myself asking you.
Can’t peace come on its own
without hearing the people’s sad moans,
without any rebel or complain,
without getting through any major pains,
but now if this peace comes
I would say
it is in vain.
So friends,I want you to educate
before it becomes too late
first bring peace within yourself,
then shall we have peace within the society ,
peace within the country,
and ultimately peace in the world,
then war will be regarded as a curse
to our very big universe.
Joey
BOTV
that is good advice. Last time he examined me I did not look at him. And I did take lots of time to answer. I was not going to let him trip me up.
Lucy,
AndyD, gave you good advice too. Calm, composure goes along way, the more maturity, decency, respect you show the courts, the process and even the STBX will be in your favor. You will be the one the courts will entrust to follow through with desions made by the court to be followed out. You will be the credible one.
My X in the end represented himself too, I think I told you your situation runs parallel in many respects to mine. When he asked me something that didn’t make I told the judge I didn’t understand the question. He would change the wording or leave out words trying to box me in. I would then defer to the judge and explained my not understanding. The judge finally reprimanded him for being disrespectful to me and remarked on several occasions he was didn’t understand either.
My X also, would start in on issues that had no bearing on the case and to reword his line of questioning. Some of the questions were really not questions but put in a way that regardless how I answered I would be at fault. If at any time you get hung up, you always have the come back of “I don’t recall.” This leaves you in the position of responding in the future if need be.
I never, smirked, or made any sound at, got angry, if anything you could see I was puzzled and not sure of him. It just made him look foolish and it was apparaetn who the liar is.
BTOV
That’s a good one, that when he tries to box me in to say I don’t understand. I’ll be using that.
BTOV,
You really presented yourself well. I think I can do the same. It helps to not look at him, but at the judge, as you said.
Lucy,
He will try to get you angry and he will accuse you of more of the outrageous things he has done, including outright bulbous lies. Just be prepared for anything. SB will accuse you of all the things he has done. I don’t doubt he will accuse you of cheating on him from the beginning of your marriage and he put up with it because of the children.
If you think the things he has already been caught at, just think of what he hasn’t been caught at? In this arena you will be blamed for everything and SB has all kinds of accusations and tricks up his sleeves, the ones he hasn’t been caught at will be placed on you. SB may even claim medical reasons to postpone or even fall over in the Courtroom looking for sympathy.
This is when you need to maintain all your composure. You will have to go No Contact like he isn’t even there and always allow yourself time to breath twice, this will give your attorney time to object. SB will plan to bait you and pull you into the game, his game. Once pulled in, it is hard to withdraw.
When SB comes out with all his delusional, irrational lies, ignore him. If you respond you give him credence, or raise a question on your part. In the real world, descent folks don’t answer or respond to SB’s like him, you must do the same, he has no hold on you anymore, you tore back the curtain and saw the Great OZ.
Believe me the whole courtroom, all the judges, lawyers and law enforcement in city you live in know who the Great OZ, SB is They know OZ the SB is a toxic lowlife with a Swiss cheese brain ridden with maggots and who know what else. The exact filth that gives the decent, attorneys, judges, people who work in the judicial system the poor reputation that society frowns upon with such distrust and contempt in these days.
Please don’t take this personally, but many will wonder, what must be wrong with you, you who lived with him all these years, unfortunately, will be under scrutiny too.
They will weigh the facts but they will also weigh your conduct, composure and most of all the truth. Your conduct, in presenting yourself in a professional manner at all times will reinforce your truthfulness and if need be, explain in a humble way, your naivete in wanting to believe the best in your mate. On top of all this SB controlled the money, you worked, shopped and took care of the children too.
Don’t give SB anything, by reacting in an unprofessional manner, no matter what a SB he is you will lend some credibility to his allegations.
SB knows how to do the twist, remember the twist of the twisted, it will twist and twist in and out of the twisted twists twist and before you know it, you are the twist in the twisted twists twist, twisting to get untwisted from the twist and before you know it the twist is the twist of the twisted twist twist.
At all times keep a professional face, just as you do when you hear any other case. Imagine you are in court with the most important case you will ever work on in your life, unfortunately it is, it is your case.
Let SB take all the control he wants, believe me it will be hard enough trying to keep up with the toilets flooding from every orifice on that swine. Keep your wits about you, don’t be SB’s plunger or feel you need to get a mop and bleach, those days are over. Just let the toxic S—-T, lies and SB’s dirty laundry keep filling the courtroom, can you imagine the stench, believe me it will be difficult for the individuals who will have to be in the courtroom
In the end the Judge will have to decide when she will finally plug the diarrhea hole. I am praying the Judge will use one of those Sheriff’s standing around when SB doesn’t want to shut-up. SB hates being told what to do.
Truly, you could charge admission for this one. I don’t mean to be rude, I think you know what I mean.
God bless you and give you the strength and wisdom you will need dealing with this EVIL.
“SB will accuse you of all the things he has done.”
Yes. This is true. Character disturbed will accuse the others of same things that he/she had done in past.
Earlier it made me wonder, now it makes me laugh. 😀
AndyD,
Why not, now let me see, are we about 3 or4. Mom is standing by the doorway outside looking in. Mom just baked 12 cookies.
Little Lucy, ” Tom you ate all the cookies!”
Little Tom: ” No I didn’t, they were gone already.”
Lucy: “Tom, that’ s not true, I saw you, besides your still
chewing them, and one is left in your hand.”
Tom: Tom stuffs the cookie in his mouth, and the other in
his pocket, replying ” I don’t have anything in my
hands.” Tom opens his empty mouth.
Lucy: ” Tom I saw you eat them.”
Tom: ” Lucy you are always imagining things. Besides you
were in the kitchen before me.”
Lucy: ” That’s not so, I smelt the cookies and came in and
you were eating them.”
Mom sees and hears the whole exchange.
MOM: ” I see all the cookies are gone, what happened to
them?”
Tom: ” I don’t know, when I came in the kitchen, Mary was
here, she was chewing something.”
Lucy: ” Mom, Tom is telling the truth, I wasn’t in here, Tom
was and he was eating the cookies too.”
Tom: ” Mom, Lucy act them, she is always blaming me for
everything. The other day she stole a candy bar from
the store and I saw her go in your purse too.
Lucy: In tears, Mom that isn’t so, I had to got to school the
other night and needed a quarter for a project, you
were on the phone and waved me away, I didn’t want
to be late so I did go in your purse, I am sorry for not
asking because I needed a quarter.”
Tom: “See I told you Lucy steals and that isn’t all she did, she
steals candy from the store all the time.”
Lucy: “Mom that’s not true, Tom said he would beat me up if I
told you. Tom has 3 candy bars in his drawer right
now.”
MOM” “Lets go look, Tom what are these candy bars doing
here?
TOM: “Lucy put them there, she always hides the things she
steals in my drawers so she won’t get in trouble . I
thought I was helping her.”
LUCY, “Mom, Tom is not telling the truth.”
MOM “Tom, why is there chocolate on your mouth?
TOM: “Lucy said I had food on my mouth, she must have wiped
her fingers off on me.”
Lucy: “Mom, I am not lying, I never did that.”
TOM: “MOM, yes she did, she is a liar trying to get me in
trouble. Now I am in trouble because you always take
her side, because she cries.”
MOM: Tom, I would like you to empty your pockets out.”
Tom: ” Why? there is nothing in there.
Mom: ” Tom, empty your pockets, I see you have a cookie in
your pocket.”
TOM: “Mom, Lucy put that cookie in my pocket, she said I
could have it, if I didn’t tell on her and I forgot all about
it.”
The making of a lying CDMN, who is entitled to lie regardless of being seen in the act, they will come up with a lie, anything so they don’t have to own their own deceitful behavior. The CD have been playing this game of lies all of their lives. Regardless, caught red handed, if they can pass the buck onto an innocent victim the have consciousness to do otherwise.
LOL. You captured it precisely! 😀
YOu make me laugh. And it is all so true. My divorce would make a great three-season – at minimum – t.v. series.
I would title it “I was married to a Pimp”.
Andy,
Good advice to practice. I did get a taste of it in court with him a couple months ago and did okay, but I’m sure my tone gave away that I hate the SOB. It’s hard to fake it all.
Lucy,
Hate, are some strong feelings to carry around. What I felt was pity and sadness for what he was and had evolved into. I would never let him bring me down to that level. You see, I have hated others in life and when I hated those feelings drew from my positive energy.
Yes, I do loathe the “inhuman thing” he has become. I have no desire to be anywhere in the vicinity of these kinds of people. I can’t tell you how to feel, it is all a process, I just watched it all unfold in awe, as to how low a person can sink when they invite wickedness and let pride run their lives.
Never doubt, these individuals are evil. very perpetrated crime against me in life originates from evil. When anyone considers anything in life over human life, it is selfish and evil. These CDNMSP in the end would sell their own souls to the devil, for their fix or selfish/pride, I don’t know of any other word. Lucy, I looked at him with disbelief and I guess approached from a motherly position of unwavering/uncompromising truth. The only way for healing for either party is the truth no matter how wretchedly ugly, a search for the truth. I was also in continuous prayer the CD might grasp onto the light.
Again, hate, I could never destroy a person the way the CD ultimately destroy themselves. That is why I know I didn’t hate him. It is said ” God loves the sinners but hates the sin.” If that makes sense.
Take care, be strong and wise. Hate and wisdom do not coexist.
Lucy,
Hypothetical,
The Judge gives you each a minute to say something to each other for the last time.
SB: ” Lucy, you F——-g l lying B——ch! You make me sick I
hope you rot in hell.”
Lucy: ” _____ I am sorry you feel that way, I am praying for your
soul and I hope one day you will find your way.”
Lucy, Compare the two responses……………. What do you think? I
think you know the answer.
BTOV add to;
MOM – ” Tom, empty your pockets, I see you have a cookie in
your pocket.”
TOM- ” Well YOU PUT THEM WITHIN MY REACH”.
“IT’S YOUR FAULT ALL THE COOKIES ARE GONE”
I have been using this very same metaphor. All my life to decribe my mother
Yes, he does project. He has the dissipation of marital assets against me now.
I’m the one who wasted all the money. (I have an intact pension plus large savings, in my name only)
I’m the one who let the house deteriorate to a point it would not easily sell.
I didn’t pay bills as court ordered (I did stop at a point when it was clear he would sabotage the house from selling).
Everyone knows (his co-workers) what a loser I am.
Everyone knows (his co-workers) that I “tried to kill him”.
I’m crazy the lies I “make up” about him. one to seven hotel rooms booked per day, over the course of two years, several days per week, as reflected in the bank statements, isn’t proof of some type of weird/illegal/bizarre act.
But don’t you know, I’m the loser? Duh!
Everyone knows I’m nuts.
Lucy,
This sounds exactly like my mother-only I did not try to kill her, save the “stress” of having such difficult girls, me, and with my sister, wow, the adoption she had it overturned. Did not take my sister long after her daughter was born, to say, “hey, my life is not about you.” But the going through all of our stuff-myself, my sister, and my brother, when I was in DARE? She was still “oh, it’s drugs.” A long labor with her son because she told the OB that “oh the drugs” when she’d been busy raising kids, now that there was someone else involved, demanded a drug test at that point.
It is a decision and one that you unlearn. Personally, though bigger than her, I’d have preferred a daily beating (physical one). Those scars heal. Most o them do.