We are all egocentric to some degree. That is, we frequently concern ourselves with our wants, needs, desires. And there’s nothing particularly unusual or unhealthy about that. So, when does egocentricity become pathological? Our self-focus becomes a problem when it keeps us from being aware of others and other important matters. Excessive or pathological egocentricity makes it difficult, if not impossible, to see the “bigger picture.”
All of us start out as egocentric creatures. In fact, as infants, we think the universe revolves around us. We even think of those around us as extensions of ourselves. We also think others exist solely to serve our needs. Most of us “grow out” of this primitive egocentricity. But some of us do not. Narcissists get “stuck” at the egocentric stage of emotional, psychological, and spiritual development. Moreover, their self-absorption keeps them from paying attention to and learning from what only caring, intimate relations with others can teach them. They end up becoming pathologically egocentric characters. (See also the two-part series: Narcissism and Character Development.)
Narcissists actually think egocentrically. And they do so often. That is, self-focused and self-serving thoughts frequently course through their brains. Always thinking about yourself, makes it really hard to think about others . (For more on this topic see: Egocentric Thinking.) It also makes it hard to learn to care.
Pathological egocentricity stems from too much egocentric thinking. Any pattern of behavior becomes pathological when it occurs too often, is out of bounds in intensity or with respect to healthy social norms, and occurs even when an alternative behavior would be far more adaptive. Narcissists become the way they are because they’re always thinking of themselves and what they want and what or whom might serve their desires.
The Culture of Narcissism
I wish I could say that pathological egocentricity occurs rarely. But it actually appears more the norm in today’s culture of narcissism. We live in an age of unprecedented self-focus and entitlement. We’ve lost the positive sense belonging that defines a true community. And many of us have also lost sight of the bigger picture. To be healthy, you have to both see yourself as part of something bigger and have the willingness to subordinate your purely selfish inclinations to a “higher” cause.
The Nature of Personality and Character Disturbance
Personality can be defined as one’s style of relating. And anyone’s preferred way of relating can itself be a problem. That’s the very nature of personality and character disturbance. And I have posted often on this subject. (See, for example, Personality and Character Disorders – A Primer and Personality & Character Disorders – Pt. 7: A Wrap-Up.} The typical manner in which a person thinks contributes significantly to their personality and character formation. Habitual egocentric thinkers can easily become narcissistic. And to deal with narcissism effectively, you have to confront egocentric thinking directly.
In the coming weeks I’ll be talking more about narcissism and character disturbances and how to deal with both more effectively.
Character Matters will air live Sunday Evening January 7, 2018 on UCY.TV. So, call in at (501) 258-8326 to ask a question or share something of interest.
As always, thanks to all for recommending my 4 books to others. They’re the foundation for the content on this blog. And your recommendations are the reason for their bestseller status. And look for an announcement in the next few weeks on my forthcoming book.
67 thoughts on “Narcissists Have Pathological Egocentricity”
“Life is very long” TS Elliot
Dealing with total egocentric people is difficult because they have no emotional maturity. They are all stunted to certain degrees – narcissists to the extreme as Dr Simon states.
Life becomes a chore when we have to deal with such levels of emotional delinquency which in reality is what low functioning people are. I can absolutely tell if someone has emotional maturity or not, it is how they navigate through life. Generally within 10 minutes I can see if somebody is emotionally present or egocentric.
Blame, denial, victimhood, poor or invisible sense of self (worthlessness) are qualities that exist in those who have not emotionally developed sufficiently. To varying degrees we have all been damaged in childhood. More so the children of familial narcissism.
None of us are responsible for how we turned out but we are fully responsible for what we allow ourselves to become. Self work – “MAN KNOW THEYSELF” is the only way to navigate through life by going on a search and find mission for our missing selves. The journey back to self. Our authentic self was shut down during childhood, what emerged from that is a false self which is egocentric.
Self work allows us to peel back the layers of our own perceptions and false beliefs we have created around ourselves in order to access that authentic self we have pushed down. This is the part of us that hurts and this is the part of us that narcissists can sniff out. I believe CD have what is known as cold empathy as in they know our wounding but they use it to their distinct advantage in order to manipulate us by putting us in one down position.
If we know ourselves inside and out, if we know their strategies and how their minds work we are already in a very empowered state. Many will disagree with me on this but I am actually grateful for my experiences with these dark souls. Because of them I have been lead to a much more emotionally healthy state by finding it absolutely critical to my health and well being by stalking and hoovering myself!
This has worked marvels upon marvels. Where I was once a narc magnet I am now a narc repellent. Where I was quite okay with my level of being previously I am in a much more upleveled state than what I was prior to my encounters.
If we can accept that these dark souls are in fact showing us what is within us that is unhealed then they are a blessing in disguise. If we use our experiences in the right way by not becoming a permanent victim but a creator we will advance and evolve ourselves exponentially and I am doing just that.
Thank you Dr Simon for your work. You allowed me to look at dark souls differently by showing the nature of character disturbance. I take many avenues and often have a different approach when it comes to understanding things than most probably because I have always been a very inquisitive person. I have to know how things work. If we don’t we only end up second guessing ourselves.
Happy New Year to all………….. :-
I have a problem. I’m 61 – after 40 years of marriage I finally moved out because I couldn’t take it. That was 3 years ago. The divorce was final a little over 1 year ago. He still tells people how much I hurt him. But, he hurt me for decades. Nobody – including him, doesn’t see that. I really think he thinks he’s a victim – I can’t even describe how hard that is to live with. I want the record set straight – but I can’t.
He didn’t sleep in our bedroom for over 30 years. It would take me weeks to get the nerve to bring it up to him – but I managed about twice a year to ask him to please sleep with me. The last time I did he told me to have an affair if I wanted intimacy. Later when I told him that hurt he said “You know I didn’t mean that!”. What?!?
But, I still miss him and all I tried to do for most of our marriage is to get him to love me back. We have 2 sons together. He says he wasn’t a bad husband. But he told me my friends didn’t like me. That I bored people. That I was lucky he included me with his friends. And he did end up with all our friends!
After I filed I found out he’d been telling my parents for years that my business was losing money when it was my income paying our bills for many years. (He’s in the music industry with no regular income).
He even had our accountant report my income as his for 10 years and I didn’t have a clue because I didn’t pay attention. He said he did it to save on taxes, but it has decreased what I will receive in social security benefits.
I woke from a dead sleep at 4 am this morning to his voice saying “we have to talk”. I swear when I opened my eyes I expected to see him in the room – it was that real.
All I have wanted to do was to have an honest talk with him but it was always impossible.
He never hoovered! He never fought for me. He turned life long friends against me while I stayed quite never airing his dirty laundry. Hes not a narcissist after all! I wish I could label him as that and move on. But he doesn’t fit the stereotype.
He wanted to take care of me. He cleaned the house, cooked meals (if I tried he over saw it) and didn’t even want me to go to the grocery – everyone always told me how lucky I was – but I felt smothered.
He loved it when I was sick or depressed – he would take care of me. He told me things that upset me then he was the one that comforted me. I know it is sick so why after all this time am I still missing him?
What was going on? I’m 61 and was with him since I was 18. I’m afraid he’s not CD – or a narcissist. I’m afraid he just didn’t love me enough to try. He refused Couples Therapy. I may not belong here on this blog after all.
In my 2 years of No Contact – I have been the one that slips – to always reach out to him – then always getting complete indifference or silence back from him. It hurts.
I’m afraid I will go to my grave with this confused feeling. I would still accept his love if I thought he loved me enough to try. But he doesn’t. That’s all I have ever wanted.
How is this possible? Even though I know better, I feel that it must have been me after all that broke us up. That’s apparently what all our old friends think. My life has a huge hole in it – missing 40 years of people and life – that just doesn’t make sense. He didn’t want me if he had to act differently towards me. But, how is that possible?!? The only way that is possible is if he didn’t love me. I don’t know if I can handle that after trying my whole life to get love or a response out of him. Even now.
I’m sure I will get several people giving me a hard time about this. I’ve hesitated putting this up for that reason. But I am sad. I am confused – I just don’t understand and I’m afraid I never will.
After not seeing him for over a year we were both invited to a retirement party. Within 5 minutes of me walking in – he left.
He just didn’t love me.
If you can manage, you should probably see a therapist. It may help you go through everything, untangle your past life, get some understanding, hopefully make a concrete goal, and move on to that goal.
I have been (and still am) in therapy for years. Haha. Believe it or not – it HAS helped me. I used to not be able to function because of the problems in the relationship. Now I do function – but the hurt and confusion don’t seem to go away. I have good days and bad days.
Jean, You probably have not yet accepted your situation and your time spent with him. Things that are outside ones control, just need to be accepted as they are. Life is life, it is not fair not unfair. There simply are too many things that one does not control, so peace lies in just accepting those things and try to work on things that are in ones control.
Regarding last statement “leaving within 5 minutes”. That is understandable. If I were in your place, I would probably have left too. After spending almost full adult life with someone, it is simply too hard to treat that person as dear good ol’ friend.
This is only advice. I am not telling you what to do although it probably will look that way. It is entirely up to you. I can feel your pain and frustration. Huggles
1. You are experiencing what we call looping. It can hijack your brain.
2. He is living rent free in your head. Kick him out and reframe all of your information.
3. You are a human being, you are worthy of love, you are not responsible for the action or inaction of others.
4. Expectations are a black hole. All expectations are premeditated resentments.
5. Love is not what keeps people together. I don’t know how that false assumption about love became so prevalent.
6. Start writing a letter that addresses all of your issues. DO NOT send it, just get it all out it can be cathartic.
7. You know that it is not your fault. We have to accept the choices that other people make. Think about it? Does it really matter what the reason is? Is hearing a specific answer going to change anything?
8. Find activities you like or find a hobby and start involving yourself by looking around and thinking about your freedom. You can now begin to find the things in life that interest you as well as making new friends.
Great post Yeshka – love the poem also. You are onto it :-
High five to you!
Precious soul – the only thing you need to fight for is yourself. Find yourself sweetheart that’s all you need to find. The only love you will ever need is inside of you. You just need to reconnect to it. Because it is there you have just forgotten yourself – Jean is still there she just lost her way in the fog.
Your core self is still there Jean, all you need to do is seek it out. You core self is alive and well just very neglected, hurt and pissed off. What I think you really seek is your soul – the original you. We get damaged in life, but we don’t need to forget who we are or what we are worth. And you are worth it Jean!
I would like to share with you a little parable about a cracked pot and our damaged selves………………..
“A man had two large pots, each hung on an end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to his house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the man delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, feeling accepted and appreciated.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the man one day by the stream.
“I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”
“Why?” asked the man. “What are you ashamed of?”
“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts.” the pot said.
The man felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion, he said, “As we return to my house, I want you to look at the beautiful flowers along the path. It will make you feel better.”
Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this made it feel a little happier. But at the end of the path, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the man for its failure.
The man said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you’ve been watering them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to take home to my wife.
With you being just the way you are, you have given beauty and meaning to me every day.”
Find yourself Jean because you are very important in your own life xx
That is beautiful. Thank you.
This is another good one I quite relate to.
“Once the word spread that the devil was pulling out of his business and was arranging to sell-off all his tools of the trade to the highest bidder. The night of the sale all the tools were arranged for the bidders to view. What a motley crew it was!
There were sinister tools of hatred, jealousy, envy, malice, treachery, plus all the other elements of evil. Yet besides these there also was an instrument that seemed harmless, a wedge-shaped instrument that appeared worn out, shabby, and yet was priced so much higher than all others.
Someone asked the devil what was the name of such a poor-looking instrument.
‘Discouragement,’ answered the Devil.
‘And why is the price so high for such a non-malicious sounding instrument? asked the bidder.
‘Because,’ spoke the Devil, ‘this instrument is more useful to me than any other. I can enter the consciousness of a human being when all other ways fail me and once inside through the discouragement of that person I can do whatever I please.
The instrument is worn out because I use it almost everywhere and as very few people know about this I can continue to successfully achieve my goals.’
And as the price of discouragement was so very, very high even today it remains a tool in the property of the Devil”.
I would love to end that quote by attributing it to Dr M Scott Peck but I can’t – the author is unknown to me at this time. It’s just really kewl.
Thank you Eudoxia – those have brighten my morning!
Excellent Eudoxia. I just read that to boyfriend who is very focussed on trying to overcome a childhood that was full of discouragement. The timing is perfect!
I don’t know who wrote those short proses but they are brilliant. I got them both from this original article in it’s entirety here:
It’s long but it’s worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
GARDENING GOD’S WAY
Plant three rows of peas:
Peace of mind
Peace of heart
Peace of soul
Plant four rows of squash:
Plant four rows of lettuce:
Lettuce be faithful
Lettuce be kind
Lettuce be obedient
Lettuce really love one another
No garden without turnips:
Turnip for meetings
Turnip for service
Turnip to help one another
Water freely with patience and cultivate with love.
There is much fruit in your garden
Because you reap what you sow.
To conclude our garden we must have thyme:
Thyme for God
Thyme for study
Thyme for prayer
Now there’s a salad I can get down with!!!
I understand your confusion. You were both very young when you married. The infatuation/in love phase usually lasts a couple of years and while it is receding a bond of mature love is forming. It seems like this is what happened for you, but not him. This has nothing to do with the person you are but the person he isn’t.
Everybody is inconsistent to some degree — loving in some ways but not in others. For your X to have nurtured you like a child isn’t loving in any way, it IS smothering. Taken too far it can erode confidence.
If he was truly loving he would have loved you in a much more thorough way, by building up your confidence. A first step to building your confidence Would have been to be affectionate with you. And certainly part of that would include sleeping with you, particularly when you two were young!
It seems to me that though your husband may have not been entirely conscious of the fact, he didn’t love you (nor could he love anybody. This is what you have to accept) but wanted to possess you, just the same.
Another thing you may have to accept, and I hope I am not speaking out of turn, is your husband effectively ended the relationship decades ago. What you experienced was a confusing smoke and mirrors of a faux love after the fact.
I am so sorry you are so hurting and confused. It isn’t fair.
I thought of you as I finished Dr. Simon’s “How Did We End Up Here?: Surviving and Thriving in a Character-Disordered World”. The book had so much information that resonated deeply, its vignettes helped it all sink in. I plan to revisit the last two chapters often, they are a roadmap to finding peace of mind. So grateful. Relieved. Inspired.
Knowing your story, I’d bet you’d find some peace and answers therein. If you haven’t already, hope you check it out. Take care of you!
I have that book and yes it is helpful. I feel I’ve got it sorted out, but now would like to stop my obsessive thinking about it so much. I am moving on yet at the same time it is haunting.
Haunting captures it. Takes up too much bandwidth. How do you deal? Gotta couple of things that have worked. Meditating on simple prayers like “Help me. Show me. Heal me. Hover over me” brings a lot of relief, and some answers.
Silence, walking in nature gives a lot of peace. I love to workout or get the housework done with music on. Being worn out getting stuff done beats the exhaustion of ruminating any day. It also lets me sleep.
We had some contact that should’ve ruined the holidays, it really stung for a little while. I’ve had enough. My focus is changing.
We worked the holidays, but helped two guys we know get back to their families. Knowing they could be with people they loved brought us some joy.
Lucy, I’m glad to know you have the book and it helped you too. I hope you find so much peace and renewal this year. I have to believe you will.
Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart.
Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.
I am now 50 yrs old, the first day of; the rest of my life.
There is no birth of consciousness without pain.
I know you are in a difficult place right now and you seem stuck. The exact things you are describing I have felt too, and at times I still question myself and have to bring myself back to truth and reality. Both Eudox and Joey are pointing out truths they each have learned dealing with the CD.
We are all at a different place regarding our experiences. It is difficult indeed to heal when you have so many negatives against you. Please don’t let others define who you are and what you have experienced in your marriage by their rejection of you.
Knowing the story of your X, he is a very deceitful manipulator. Remember, they come with many faces, your X is just different in his covert assault on you. You are still doubting yourself and this is not good. I am glad you are posting and would encourage you to continue to do so.
When one is alienated from the outside and good people who uplift us, we can fall into the depths of despair. I am glad you are reaching out to us here. Take baby steps and quit doubting yourself, the self doubt will bury you alive.
Jean, there are many ways to heal and rise above this tortuous life of doubt, despair and loneliness. The first step is to reach out, it is extremely difficult at first to do and to continue reaching out. One has to go outside their comfort zone in order to heal and take back themselves. Once you start the process Jean, get wet and adjust to realization, it will get better.
Its all a choice, if you have followed along you would know Joey’s and Lucy’s stories. Now we have JC, JC is doing well, she is rising above, discerning and accepting the truth and connecting to her real self. JC has truly suffered and is growing, she is a great example.
JC is coming out of her comfort zone, above all JC came to this blog. JC is working on making sense of it all and the most difficult taking baby steps to trust. JC trusted to post on this blog, truly an amazing feat breaking from her comfort zone. All of regulars understand and will support JC and You Jean on your journey of recovery. I am still recovering and hope you will trust us enough to keep sharing and growing.
Joey is right and I know I would not be the person I am today had it not been for the pain I have gone through. If we choose to grow and integrate the pain into us we will rise above. Just look where Joey is today, his fortitude to overcome is truly inspirational. Our dear Lucy too.
Here is a good book to read, in fact there is a series of them. This book helped me immensely. A Road Less Traveled by Dr. M. Scott Peck Below is a link with quotes by Dr. Peck which I think will be of help to you.
Hugs dear one, life can and will get better.
I am sorry I forgot the link.
Totally concur with Jung on this point.
What does it take to melt an ice cube – turn up the heat.
Happy birthday Joey – may your later years be the very best – it can’t be any other way really! :-
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. Everyone carries a Shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate.”
~ Carl G. Jung
I think that was it in its entirety Joey
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
This is what Healthy people do
The full statement just explanes,how this is derived. How do you explain a feeling. Jung puts feelings into words we can understand, If you have those feelings in the first place.
That is why I posted just that part of his statement
Dr Simons post is about Egotism in Narcissism
People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. Everyone carries a Shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate.”
And this is what a narcissist does in terms of their thinking
Joey – narcs are all ego having killed off their authentic self years ago. I’ve never read Sarah Strudwick’s book Dark Souls but perhaps she was referring to Jung’s material meaning the narcs shadow itself is black and dense. Sometimes of wonder if they have souls at all. They have to be animated by something, however. I guess we’ll never know until we get to the other side.
This is also exactly how narc’s operate they do anything and everything including their continual rampage against life and their need to crush, kill and destroy others to avoid looking at their own soul. This is why attempting to hold them to account for their own behavior is a dangerous exercise in futility.
GI Gurdjieff when he refers to unconscious man being subject to The Law of Accident is referring to the Hermetic Principal of Cause and Effect as follows:
“Every Cause has its Effect; every Effect has its Cause; everything happens according to Law; Chance is but a name for Law not recognized; there are many planes of causation, but nothing escapes the Law.” It explains that: “Everything Happens according to Law”; that nothing ever “merely happens”; that there is no such thing as Chance… only law unseen”.
I believe this totally aligns with Jung’s statement about when we do not face our own shadow life itself weaves a series of events that when not understood show up as fate. This also aligns with the teachings of the Hindu Yogi’s.
I have been on this path for a long time now – a dedicates student of consciousness. I believe I chose this path deliberately and if a narc happens to turn up in my life and turn my entire life on it’s head then it was designed in order for me to grow spiritually.
I was forced to look directly at my shadow very early in the piece when I first started posting here. It’s when I was experiencing the anger part of grief and what I released in me was pure rage. It’s why I made the Voodoo doll I had this anger in my that had to come out in a healthy way.
I know some might say making a voodoo doll isn’t real healthy but it wasn’t a legitimate one designed to curse anybody – it was a doll that represented the enemy and I transferred my anger onto it. Then through it off a bridge and allow the water to float it away and purify it.
I realise now after after dedicating myself to NARP – because it’s the therapy of choice for me personally. That anger was my own wounded child – my own damaged soul crying out to be acknowledged and nurtured back into good health and security.
This is why I am so dilgent with this work – my healing and my soul’s healing is my total responsibility. Nobody else can do this work but me and nobody can cause me pain but me by ignoring my own soul.
This is how I see narc’s now. Not as demons (yes they are indeed dark souls and there will be no argument out of me here). But we (aside from childhood abuse) have absolute power over what we bring or allow into our own lives. We do have absolute power to change this every minute of every day.
I thought I’d done a lot of self work previously to them showing up in my life. Given they did, I knew something in me wasn’t healed. So that was it. Once I accepted they are a product of my own unhealed wounds, this gave me the mojo back I needed to take the reigns firmly in my own hand and start to guide my own life back on track by going into my own subconscious and dealing with that which is in me that was unhealed.
It is surprising how even innocuous memories leave us with a false belief we have about ourselves. This is what will continue to show up in our lives as fate – these narcs who show up are actually showing us what we are holding onto that is unhealed within ourselves. This is why people are called narc magnets. Until we clean out these false beliefs these dark souls will continue to show up again and again.
Well I’m done with that my friend. No more of that for me. I will keep on this program and keep going until I am totally free and clear. I will not place myself in such danger ever again and I will cross ever T and dot every I and leave absolutely nothing to chance ever again.
The opposite of victim isn’t survivor it’s creator and I believe both Jung and Gurdjieff knew and understood this well. I am no longer going to expose myself to The Law of Accident. Through the Law of Attraction I am going to make damn sure I have no attraction points left in me that narcs can hook into. I am becoming a conscious co-creator of my own life.
It has to be really crushing to separate from someone after 40 years. It would leave a huge hole, particularly if your life was wrapped up in the relationship.
And whether your husband is character disordered or not, doesn’t matter, Jean. What matters is he lied to you, he belittled you and he apparently withheld affection.
Did he show some signs of tenderness on ocassion — comforting you after hurting you? I guess he did. That’s just confusing. I don’t know if you are familiar with the term, “trauma bonding,” but you might want to look into that.
LisaO, you have given Jean some insightful advise. I do think Jeans X IS CD to what degree I don’t know. I would venture to say a CDN due to his selfishness, lies, gaslighting which is based on lying. Just to many flags.
It is difficult to acknowledge the relationship was nothing but a lie and I don’t care if there were good times, they were illusions to pull one further into the mire. We need to forgive ourselves for the fact we let someone pull the wool over our eyes. Believe me Jean, if you look back the warning flags were there from the beginning.
As LisaO pointed out in her other post the marriage was over decades ago, you are the glue that held everything together. Jean, I now feel the churning in my gut before I see the flag. I always heed my gut instincts, they have never been wrong.
When someone aggresses against another and I don’t care if it is in words or deeds I know they are CD and I know better than to have anything to do with them. Your X exploited you in a very subversive way, these are vile people.
You did the right thing for your sanity and well-being. Second guessing all this distracts from a true healing process. We need to stay away from these kind of people and surround ourselves with those who build us up rather than tear us down.
It is a upward battle now, you have gone through the worst. Jean, start looking what is available to start a new life. What events are open for you to get involved with, anything besides staying at home and thinking of what should have, could have been and doubting yourself. No matter what you come up with it will be the same. You are in the here and now, today, each day is the beginning of the rest of your.
Jean, I am hoping you can get out and make new friends and start your life, you may never know who you will meet. I know for me I will never meet anyone sitting home and especially if I let the past haunt me.
Hugs dear one.
Trauma bonding is exactly what happens. I concur with Lisa – Jean please look this up. Also Jean if you listen to some of the life coaches they can offer specific guidance for healing post narc abuse. They made a profound difference to me.
In Dr Gabor Mate’s book he made mention of study done on chimpanzees they were broken up into three groups and all of them had infants. One group food was plentiful, the second group food was scarce, the third group swung between plentiful and scarce – the third group had high levels of anxiety and distress compared to the other two. Even scarcity gives some level of confidence and security compared to the see sawing flip/flopping between plenty and scarcity.
This is what narcs do to us, they put us into a constant state of unknowing and uncertainty. It effects our homeostasis in harmful ways. How we become entangled to the point we do is us trying to love them back to the people we fell in love with. Problem with that is the person we fell in love with is not the person we fell in love with. That was the mask.
When we are in highly stressed out states it effects our HPA Axis and we produce excessive amounts of adrenaline and cortisol. These are stress hormones. This is how narcs keep us in a disempowered – flight, flight, freeze state. Both during the relationship and after we go NC. The repetative thoughts about the narc maintains the stress hormone production keeping us in a seriously disempowered state. It’s CPTSD.
Jean and Lucy – you both should really look into this. I had it very acutely when I first hit this blog. It lasted for as long as I would allow it, at the end and thanks to the doc, this blog, the life coaches – big KUDOs to the life coaches I decided to take my power back and make myself 150% responsible for my own healing. This is how we take our power back.
Remember the devil still has the discouragement tool. This is a state we don’t want to be in. Don’t let the devil win -wink- take your power back. i can promise you this – you will never look back once you do.
I am so glad to know about the narcissist behavior signs, of which being “on top” is primary to them. I was able to identify someone as a CD and was also able to convince my sister to go NC. Because I knew signs to look for I was able to explain the CD’s behavior to her and she could see it as well. Come to find out she had been trying to pull my sister and I apart thru her manipulations, trying to disparage our church, and even our own mothers memorial service. All in one afternoon. Fortunately I was able to explain to my sister about the CD’s behavior and she agreed that this is what was going on. The education about narcissists is worth its weight in gold, thank you Dr. Simon and other contributors to this blog.
I like Jung. He is and was before his time
All growth is painful definitely. My first reaction was anger with my sister in withholding negative comments a CD said about me to her. Then I realized that it wasn’t about me, I was coming from a self centered perspective. I saw that it was about the CD fulfilling one of my sisters needs – which was to have outside validation and feeling she was ‘special’. It was about her needs.
Again I was angry I fell for the CD’s manipulations and didn’t figure out what was going on til the next day – I was angry because my pride was wounded and I felt like a victim. But again my anger stemmed from a self centered place – my pride. I know to go NC and she will never be give another opportunity by me, she will go on to live her miserable angry existence and no matter what she acquires in life, it will never be anything to make up for the dark soul that she is.
I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling with missing the X husband. At times we have to dig deep in our thinking pattern to distinguish between what really was the relationship and what we wanted it to be, what our perception may have been versus what the truth of the relationship was. Our perceptions can be delusional because we want something else from it so badly. Try to set aside your emotion and look at the reality. That’s what I do. My thinking can become befuddled into visualizing what I wanted so badly, but that’s not what it was.
Once you just accept the fact that the spouse did not love you, as mind didn’t or he wouldn’t have done the things he did, that’s on them. Too bad for them. They missed out. “love” to me now is not just an emotion, but it is actions, the things a person does to show love. My X did show it to some degree, but not fully, not truly. I was used. I served a purpose. You know, shame on them for using us and hiding their intentions.
My counselor told me at one session “I really think he loves you.” I said it doesn’t matter how he feels, he doesn’t show love. He’s done awful things. His state of mind has no effect on my daily life. He screwed me up. Distorted people don’t show love the way kind, good people do. Whatever “love” they have, it’s the kind I most certainly don’t need.
Jean are you ever angry? Are you just sad? I was so sad, devastated, betrayed. To me, the worst emotion to weather is when I’d be betrayed. There was a fury and sadness that I cannot even describe. The sadness, in me, turned to fury, anger. And that lasted too long, but it too has dissipated, thank goodness. I hope your sadness eases and doesn’t take too long. I do too become sad at times, then I remember what he’s done to my life, and there is that anger. You know what, we all have our own time for healing. There are techniques you can do to re-train those black dark thoughts. Don’t let your mind draw into visuals of what was or could be or should be of past events. It becomes almost like a daydream and isn’t real, it’s not what’s happening in the NOW. Stop those thoughts. You’ll figure it out.
I’m rooting for you friend. You’ll get there.
That’s cogent, beautiful advice Lucy. If you let that anger burn away the pain, just the lessons will remain. I’m know I’m better than what you’re serving up. Step up or vaporize. Now there’s a mantra.
Put it all into perspective. Center stage bad behavior just contrasts all the good stuff you must focus on to make a life well-lived. Most of that, for me, is done offline. I need eye contact and vibes to navigate my fellow beings. You feel when someone really loves or likes you. It is in their eyes. Truth is a gut thing.
“The folly of all follies is to be love sick for a shadow.”
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Such good advice, all around, from everybody here, Jean….Eudoxia, Btov, Joey, Lucy, Kat and others.
And speaking to one of the points Lucy made about therapist telling her, ” but I think he really does love you.” I don’t know if it’s a good idea to tell anyone who is being abused that their abuser loves them. I guess for some people that would work, make them feel better. I don’t know.
I DO know that my mother was always telling us our father loved us “even though he doesn’t show it.’ He ignored us, at the best of times and tried to shame us and was a bit violent with us the rest of the time.
So kind of interesting that you bring up your husband comforting you after treating you badly. My father beat us. And I call it that because a very big man hitting a small child as hard as they can, is no ordinary spanking. Also throwing us around a bit, striking us on the head, etc…
My mother spanked us and I hardly remember because it was proportional to our own size and ‘bad’ behavior. She was a tiny thing herself.
After my father delivered his form of discipline, his face would soften As we lay screaming and he would hug us, and tell us he wanted us to grow up and be good people because he loved us so much. And that is why he did that because he loved us so much.
For all I know, the cycle of rage, exercising dominance, discharging tension through upper body motion and then release, followed by feelings of affection for a child was theatre he had to create in order to feel anything at all. He needed this dramatic release. Violent acts were emotionally cathartic for him.
It was sick. And it wasn’t love. I spent a couple of decades believing my mother and labouring under the illusion that my father somehow loved me, all appearances to the contrary.
That changed in my late twenties when I began to see him for the strange individual he was. Amd now I look back and have tremendous resentment for my mother who went along with the theatre and didn’t have the presence of mind or insight to just tell us that our father’s ability to love anybody was seriously impaired. In my teens and early twenties, this would have helped me a great deal.
But the facade of familial normalcy had to be maintained, while we were shoehorned into my mother’s fantasy that she had a ‘perfect family.’
Anyway, for what it’s worth, I totally get what Lucy is saying. If someone acts like they don’t love you, who cares if there is a remote chance that they do?? If cruelty, abusive language and souls crushing actions and remarks are part of the scenario, they are abusing their power and that is the antithesis of love. They are damaged and damaging.
I couldn’t divorce my father, as a child. Thank God you were able to divorce your husband. It takes incredible strength, after so many years.
Keep telling yourself things will get better because they can and will.
Oh boy am I sorry for what you endured, abuse and mixed messages.
You stated so eloquently what we endure in a sick relationship of what “love” is. It’s more of what love is not.
Jean, Good Riddens to that man. You Are Free Now. Work on those negative thoughts in your head and you’ll heal. Get out and about if you are able. I joined a group called “Meetup”, it’s not a single’s group but a group of people who like to socialize and do things. I’ve met some interesting new people I wouldn’t have met otherwise. It’s not a dating site.
Those so-called friends, Good Riddens to them too. If they are friends with the X then they are sucked into his lying life as well.
Jean, you’re going to be ok. You are on the right site to seek guidance and support.
Look how far we’ve all come. You will too.
Dittos” “””” Well said.
Lucy, great post. I sure get it too. They loved us all right, they loved what we projected back to them and to others. They coveted our gifts of the spirit, love, kindness, generosity and so forth and presented them as their own. We who kept everything together, supporting and propping up their false self. Of coarse at risking the loss of their benefactors the CDN will pretend and say anything to keep it.
Lucy is absolutely right, words are cheap and can flow easily, actions on the other hand take effort, work and most of all concern for the other which isn’t there nor has it ever been there. Sadly, Lucy is right is right, the CDN never did love us, they aren’t capable of love. It has nothing to do with something wrong with us, it is them, they are incapable of true love.
Anyone can mimic words and actions, the question is, are they authentic? When we are finally honest with ourselves we will realize and admit the wool was pulled over out heads. It truly is eye opening and is a shocking revelation to accept and come to terms with this. However, the sooner we accept the truth the sooner we can heal.
Jean I think Andy and Eudox suggested seeing someone, I agree with this.
However, I would get away from the so called medical professionals. The process they utilize is a long draw out process which at this stage in our lives we don’t have time for. Besides many of them haven’t a clue to what they are dealing with, Dr, Simon is a real gem in this field and ones like him are few.
I would look into a well versed Life Coach, they will help you in many areas not just one. Also, the life coaches attack the issues head on. To get an idea how these Life Coaches operate I suggest you watch You Tubes on the names suggested on this blog. Top of my head, the ones who helped me.
Grannon, Romano, Evans to name a few.
Jean, I am in a similar situation and now that I know, I don’t want to waste anymore precious time second guessing myself, reliving the past if I can help it and rob myself further from living my life to the fullest. Jean, your X IS NOT thinking about you and how you feel, he never did. Nor did any of the CDN all of us have had to put out of our lives.
LisaO, I think your mother thought she was doing the right thing. We tend to believe the way we were taught was right until we learn it is indeed wrong. This is the only way we can ever change this world is by sharing our knowledge about the things that our wrong.
I myself thought many of the strict (lets say) rules I was brought up with were right. Well, come to find out I was wrong in many of my beliefs and I am truly sorry. My CDN parent wasn’t sorry, they danced around saying “I AM SORRY” and as Dr. Simon said, show true contrition. Words are cheap unless followed up with action, not one action, continuous actions. One of my parents could dribble an “I am Sorry” when he felt he would be held accountable.
You see, a person who isn’t CD does not say and do the things they do unless they mean them. They don’t throw out half ass, pathetic reasons for their conduct. A contrite decent person OWNS their misdeeds and aggression’s against another. And furthermore, a sincere person who has acted inappropriately against another Does Not have to be told by others to own up to their misconduct.
I have learned at great expense to my well being having accepted poor behavior and insincere apologies. With all I know now, this is a gigantic flag and I will never let it in my life again. I forgave my parent, I have never forgotten the damage they have done. This parent never owned up to their selfish, harmful ways of parenting.
In the end a true sincere admonition to the ones harmed could had procured immense healing. The heartache and hope of the victimized adult children squashed. This left many in a quandary of roaming their own minds for the validation they will never receive from the parent. I feel fortunate in that I know I have the power to set myself free and make the necessary change.
Jean, healing for you will begin when you can put him out of your head and put you in it. I think Lucy has been telling you this, it can be done. All of us that you know have had to do this.
I say good riddance to em too!
Narcs are like cancer – they work exactly the same way, the same pattern to them. The only way to deal with cancer is to starve it out of existence. This is exactly what we have to do with narcs. Both narcs and cancer are out of alignment with the rhythm of life.
When healthy cells are oxygen (energy) depleted they turn into cancer. What do narcs do – deplete us of our energy. They do this by forcing us to expend more energy than what we would do normally. They in reality can’t force us to do anything but we do because we chose to do so.
Narcs never attack the information they always go ad hominem. They never pull apart your argument for instance, they pull you apart. This serves not only to deflect you from your truth but you end up having to defend the core truth of who you are. This is why any argument with a narc will end up in a circular argument. This is how we end up getting really sick. We are literally allowing ourselves to have the life sucked out of us.
Empaths and neuropaths have a need (empaths more so than neuros) to “make things right” to fix things to be seen in the right light – to be seen for who they are. Like that’s ever going to happen in Narcland. What a waste of energy and it’s why narcs target empaths more so than anybody else – not have we got staying power but we fork over more fuel (narc supply) than anybody else.
Due to the nature of empaths they take responsibility for the narc incorrectly thinking they will somehow be able to “save” them from themselves. This wrong thinking, puts is in extreme danger.
Then you have Stockholm Syndrome and trauma bounding which is one and the same thing. That’s like H E L L O – there is something badly wrong here. We start to become programmed with seeking nurture from the betrayal source. Equally soul destroying.
If we go back for more of this then we are actually asking for it.
Everything they do is designed to not only steal our own life force but we are inadvertently giving them consent to do it by allowing it. If you think about this – this is why they don’t appear to cop karma or get their just deserts. If we’ve inadvertently allowed it (aside from childhood familial abuse) then guess who cops the karma?
This is a bitter pill to swallow but there is an up note to this. One of the fundamental principles of the laws of life is resilliancy. A forest makes more room for new growth in the forest. Similarly what may appear to be a crisis in our lives is simply an opportunity to make “new growth” and renewal in our own lives.
If we take this attitude we will heal ourselves a lot faster and be able to realign ourselves with the laws of life – which is biophilic.
If we don’t and stay dwelling on the narc and what was done to us we are actually cannabilizing ourselves which is necrophilic – and the narcs win even more points!
Hey Team – I’m going to call you guys the A Team -wink-
You’ve just been promoted from Season Ticket Holders. What I’m saying is the above isn’t new agey mumbo jumbo. It’s hard core science. I must have rocks in my head – seriously. All of this aside from being totally ancient because that is it’s origin. Eiststein figured this out years ago.
I was into Bruce Lipton years ago – between 2006 – 2008 so a decade ago. Did I really get it then – well sort of but obviously NOT. What has largely assisted me to really sync this?
NARCSISSITS! Maybe they do have a useful purpose after all.
“Resilliancy. A forest makes more room for new growth in the forest. Similarly what may appear to be a crisis in our lives is simply an opportunity to make “new growth” and renewal in our own lives”.
That was Bruce Lipton btw I meant to put it in quotes”
Beautiful Eudoxia. Thanks for that. Similarly, a life that develops a deep crack causes great pain but also lets the light in! I read that yesterday but forget who to attribute it to!
If we are around the CD long enough, and without knowing what they are and being aware of the techniques they use to diminish us, they can truly destroy us. I think its important to be introspective to see where your weaknesses are and how they were able to use those to manipulate, but to let them live rent free in your head only makes one live in the past. I think of the scripture verse “this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus”. (Phil. 3:13) For a long time I felt “dirty” for having been sucked in and abused by the CD husband, but I had to get out of the past and live in the NOW and press ahead in a positive direction. Self-knowledge is so important, I have now learned to use my anger similar to pain, something needs attention, there is something within me that I need to examine. This site just resonates so much with my CD experience. I am grateful to those who post their understandings of CD’s, it helps all of us to be educated about these things.
I think my sister is waffling right now, thinking the CD is just a hurt person. The CD sent her a very nice text and invited her somewhere. Sister is a real empath, even more than myself. I am going to give her the “In sheeps clothing” book to hopefully keep her strong. This particular CD is involved in the church, so its pretty mind bending that she can claim to be a servant of God, and be a CD at the same time. Hard to wrap your head around. I see the church activity as a way to validate herself, but who knows, these CD’s deceive themselves so much she may believe she is right with God. Funny that they set out to deceive others but ultimately deceive themselves. I think its hard for people to come to the conclusion that CD’s are predators and not just hurt people, or maybe they start off as hurt people but at some point they make a choice about what path they want to follow. I told my sister, this is where they get you, pull you back in with their good behavior and then when they think they got you where they want you they start their manipulations again.
My counselor once told me that the CDN X could behave but it won’t last long. “Behaving”is not changed behavior. It’s another false face. I hope your sister wises up. She wants badly to believe him. I think the real dangerous CDNs “behave” and suck people back in. For this type it’s best to be NC, if possible.
“… thinking the CD is just a hurt person”
No one above 15 year old is hurt person. Even if they had been hurt in childhood, it is no excuse to pass the hurt down the road once they cross an age of 15 (ok, maybe 20 going by today’s standard).
People find it lot easier to believe that some person who are in jail are actually good person; and at same time ignore its corollary that some person who are not in jail are actually bad person.
Kat many CD think they are God. Just because someone goes to church doesn’t mean anything. Being of any religious are spiritual persuasion is no guarantee of good character.
I will guarantee there are plenty of CD hanging out in church or connected to churches and associated church groups. Ultruistic narcs would abound in fertile climates where there are an abundance of good and hurt people to prey on. Then of course there is the notorious pedophile priests.
Sadly there is no shortage of dark souls on this planet we are crawling with them.
Eudoxia, true, church is a place they are drawn to so I have read.
Isn’t that the sad truth.
Kat, Lucy, Eudox,
You all are right. I hate to say it too, the worst are in the churches as they profess a form of godlessness. I look at all the mega churches, the televangelist and there are many, stealing, peoples money. People are starving to death all over the world, they have million dollar homes and leer jets. This is not what Christianity is about. They are nothing but a bunch of charlatans, vultures profiteering off the misguided.
She knows all the language, she was talking about “the wheat and the tares”, good grief, she is the tare. When they know all the language and seem to understand what they are talking about it could get confusing until you look at the actual behavior, not the words. But then theres plenty of examples in the Bible, the Pharisees, Saducees and Paul before he was converted. She uses all the tricks, pretty much the textbook CD.
I’m dealing again with the CD Narc X, trying to close on the house. He’s throwing a wrench in the closing. The man is out of hand.
I went to the realtor’s office today to discuss what was happening. She looked at me and said “I can see how angry he makes you.” I said, “Oh, no you don’t realize how angry I am.” She says, “Yes, I can. You face is red. You neck and chest have red blotches. He’s bad for your health.” So much is going down . . . . the man ALWAYS MUST BE IN CONTROL, NO MATTER WHAT! It looks like I’ll be back in court with an emergency petition so he doesn’t blow the closing. I was so close and now taking backward steps yet again.
He makes me physically sick. I’ll tell you what, anyone who is living with a CDN I urge you to get out before you get too much time and money wrapped up with this person. They will try their best to destroy. Get out before you’re weakened. It takes a lot of energy and money to get out. It’s very toxic. What he’s done to me could emotionally and spiritually kill someone else.
People keep saying Karma, blah blah. I don’t believe it. The only bad that happens to him is what he creates. He’s throwing so much bad energy my way and just won’t quit. Karma doesn’t work quick enough. Karma needs to destroy him, not me.
Lucy honey slow down and breath. As if you haven’t been through enough.
Okay you’ve got to GOT TO pull out the big guns now Lucy. Do yourself a huge favor and go and read this! This is from HD Tudor – remember I am across a lot of his stuff. I recommend you read it.
Sending you a big HUG.
Also please please consider NARP – it will really help you through this time by getting your stress levels under control. These assholes are like Dementors from Harry Potter it’s exactly what they do to us. They suck out our soul, we have to protect ourselves – very important!
I see many on this program with huge handicaps similar to yours getting really incredible results – anything is worth your sanity!
I have no court advice, don’t know much about it. I would remind you to think of your health, this kind of thing can so emotionally drain you that you can become very ill. I would recommend exercising daily and if you are drawn to meditation, or whatever else would provide some daily relaxation for you. This stuff will be over and done but you still need to stay healthy. Sorry you are going through this, these people are truly dark souls.
Thank you, Kat. The thing is, at times when I need to exercise most, when the badgering is the worst, is the times I fail to take care of myself. When life goes good is when I take care. Being badgered drains my energy and spark for life, kind of deadens me. It’s awful.
Thanks for the link. I read through it. There is some heavy manipulating going on with his threats of shutting down the closing if he doesn’t get what he wants. The judge will have to order him to sign and close. I can now see exactly how he is positioned himself, trying to run the show “or else”, trying to ignore the settlement agreement and do what he wants, etc. he has an agenda regarding his finances that I’m not quite sure of but he’s using the closing for purposes to gain some financial advantage. His finances are in jeapardy so he’s using this sale to help himself. It’s not a simple ordinary closing on a house. What a mess he has created, and me being tied to him in marriage has really made it difficult to get out of his grip. I’ll never marry again, never ever will someone own me. Never. It’s a f—g nightmare
On the upside Lucy, they are only in top form (their top form anyway bottom form to us) when they know they are in control. It sounds like he’s getting desperate. This leaves you with some leverage. I’m sure the court is by now quite well aware of his games.
When they are desperate they tend to make the biggest mistakes. Being fully pathological they have no real “free will choice” they can’t stop themselves when they are in the throws of verbal diarrhea that’s when it’s likely he’ll trip himself up. When he starts ranting it will be a case of word salad with a good sprinkling of dressing alla Malice.
Will you actually have to go to court?
He said he won’t close unless certain things aren’t agreeable with him, things that are to be done AFTER closing at time of dispursement of funds. He’s trying to turn the table. That’s not how it works And he knows it. Looks like we will have to have an emergency motion to force him to close. Time is running. Closing is next week.
He’s going to try to get out of paying some bills he’s agreed to in the settlement. And he’s holding the closing hostage, using it as a pawn.
He Always has a game plan. Can never be trusted.
I believe if he has gone against a court order and is now going against the agreement the judge can issue the final decision. The judge can decide and I would ask the judge to do just that. The attorney’s don’t have to write the final order, the judge can. The judge can also hold SB in contempt. Its sad but the courts just don’t want to enforce the law and do their jobs.
I am thinking SB will be dancing all over the place spewing ignorance.
I am sorry your going to have to go on another freak show ride. Just hang in there, the light is seeping through and SB knows it.
The house closing is back on. I think I just aged three years.
Seriously, I’ve said this over and over, if you have a toxic person in your life, try your best to be rid of them.
Good Lucy, I don’t think any of the regular commenters here would disagree on that one and certainly not me. Removing toxic people from our lives is critical and even more critical is the ability so spot them very early in the piece and give them no quarter.
This is why I prefer Eric Fromm’s terminology of biophilic vs necrophlic. People who are of biophilic character orientation love life, they love others and other’s uniqueness. We can get into “the flow” the other biophiles and this can be determined fairly quickly – during the first 10 mins of a conversation.
I have often had some amazing conversations with people even when there is apparent conflict in the information presented. A self respecting person with healthy self esteem is able to enter into a dialogue with another on topics they are unfamiliar with without the need to “bag out” the oppositions view point. The are able to exchange information freely without judgement and devoid immature ad hominem attacks. Not the case with necros.
A necrophile on the other had is full of judgement and condemnation of other’s and life itself. They don’t seek to learn or enquire about things they have little understanding of. They just scoff and scowl and abuse their right to even enter into an adult discussion – they behave like 5 year olds.
The one thing you can count on with a necro is they will never actually provide a logical counter argument with intelligence but go straight for an ad hominem attack on the other – not the other’s information. It will be a personal attack on the person themselves. This is the CD and it is their modus operandi each and every time. The shoot the messenger – a case of Tall Poppy Syndrom.
Seriously guys watch Harry Potter Series 3 The Prisoner of Azkaban. It’s pure gold. It is pretty obvious JK Rowling was married to a CD and had no shortage of them in her own life. Her nasty characters are a perfect mirror of the dysfunctional, parasitical, soul sucking CD to a T. Particularly the Dementors.
Why would anybody want to watch them let alone be reminded yea? Because there are some exceedingly excellent strategies in there to disarm toxic people. Plus it’s very funny. I have not watched TV for many years but sometimes I will get a hold of and watch some of the better productions without the gaslighting affects of TV itself.
If you really see it for what it is TV is just one major gaslighting extravaganza and a paralizing experience of covert emotional manipulation tactics particularly advertising. We can thank Edward Bernays for that – Freud’s nephew. He used Freud’s theories for appealing to peoples ego. By appealing to a disempowered society i.e. in order to be happy – you have to have this product. So TV is always reminding society of how deficient they are in one area or another. My mother was a TV shopaholic.
Getting back to really interesting productions. If we look at your typical enchanted themes and in many non enchanted themed productions it’s usually a battle between good vs bad. The forces of dark doing battle for Earth over the forces of the light. When you look at all the characters the good are always of biophilic character orientation and the bad are always of necrophlic character orientation. Always.
Biophiles and necrophiles can not not co-habit – look what happens when they do. The biophiles get the life force sucked clean out of them.
Hi I have just come across this site. Got here via the blog ‘Crying out for Justice’ This led me to Pastor Jeff Crippen and his fantastic series on emotional abusersparticularly in the church.
My mother was/is a narc and since I started divorce proceedings she has written me off and communicates only with my ‘ex’!
As I haven’t got a job and he controls the finances I am functionally broke. Yesterday I had to spend money for doctors appointments for one of my children and also vet’s bills…he will not reimburse me. He won’t acknowledge the necessity for the appointments Lots of emotional blackmail going on.
Thanks for this blog.
Welcome to Dr. Simons blog. There is a group of regular posters who found their way to this site similarly as you have. I would encourage you to keep reading the blog and post on the current topic. I think you will find the site very beneficial in providing knowledge and support from our regular posters.
Meg, you will also find camaraderie and validation for what is going on in your life. I hope you take advantage of this resource.
You’re going to have lots of obstacles. To help yourself in court and to not have to rely on memory, it would behoove you to keep a journal of the dealings you have with the STBX (soon to be X). Sounds like a lot is going to happen.
Your mother, that’s awful, her siding with the X.
The X doesn’t have to acknowledge the necessity for appointments, the judge will order him to pay doctor bills, since you are not working.
Your X is intentionally being as difficult as he possibly can, even when it comes to the children. This act is setting the tone for what you’re in for. Take care of yourself as best you can because you will need to be strong and healthy to get through this.
Believe in yourself, don’t doubt yourself, don’t question yourself. When you’re dealing with a CDN it’s an abnormal world, full of lies, twists, deception and manipulation.
Keep reading here and you will come out okay. And keep posting. We listen.