Narcissistic Rages
Narcissistic rages are an all too common experience in abusive relationships. You say something or do something that the narcissist takes offense to. The next think you know, they’re “going off” on you. There’s some traditional thinking about why this happens. Unfortunatly, much of that thinking is highly flawed and short-sighted. And this makes it really difficult for victims to understand what’s really going on and why.
Debunking the “Thin-Skinned” Myth
Many times I hear folks describe narcissistic ragers as “thin-skinned.” The assumption there is that the person is so insecure and sensitive to criticism that they lash out in their hurt. This can actually be true in some cases. That’s especially so when we’re talking about the more “neurotic” types of compensatory, vulnerable narcissism. But it’s definitely not true when it comes to the more malignant, grandiose types of narcissism. I can’t emphasise enough how damaging the broad-brush modern characterizations of narcissism are. There are different types of narcissism and different levels of seriousness of pathology associated with each, too. This is a scientific reality governing every known human condition.
Why is it so important to discern narcissism pathology and its features correctly? Because knowlege is power. And because misperceiving the underlying reasons for a persons’ behavior toward you automatically disadvantages you. It’s just that simple. The first step toward personal empowerment is seeing the situation accurately. I addressed this years ago with the first release of In Sheep’s Clothing.
Rage as a Tool of Power and Control
Narcissistic rages are often tactical. That is, grandiose narcissists use rage as a tool of power and control. The scenario often goes like this:
- You express a legitimate concern, confront an issue, address a behavior, etc.
- Feeling “superior” and seeing you as inherently inferior, the narcissist senses you trying to move out of a position of subjugation and put yourself on equal footing based on an important principle.
- The narcissist attacks you with both barrels and with an intensity that shocks and intimidates.
- You know you’re right but you also know what will likely happen if you don’t back off or back down to a degree. On the defensive, you cower a bit (or a lot) and retreat. Not doing so can have disastrous results
- The “game” ends with just what the superior-feeling narcissist wants: you in a one-down, more deferential position, and them in the “superior” one.
(See also: Rabid Dominance Seekers.)
I address the dynamic I describe above in all my books and in several articles on the blog. And I cite the example of a ruthless boss that often laughed in private after terrorizing subordinates into submission. This person was definitely not “thin-skinned.” Instead, they were a confident, superior-feeling brute who felt entitled to rage and terrorize to assert and maintain dominance. And, perhaps even more interestingly, they weren’t even emotionally enraged when they brandished it! That’s why they could laugh after using their manipulation tactic, knowing it had the desired effect.
It might be well worth the readers’ time to review the many articles on narcissistic, aggressive personalities. Use the search feature to help access those articles.
“From all that terror teaches, from lies of tongue and pen,
From all the easy speeches that comfort cruel men,
…
deliver us good Lord”
G.K. Chesterton
You have done it again Dr Simon. I always thought, my The mother and family were always so complex individuals. THEY ARE NOT. They are remedial or simple.
Power , Control, Abuse
That’s it, nothing more, nothing else. That’s what makes them tick.
You just need a instruction manual to understand. Which is what I have found here.
Thank you Sir
Feigning outrage and anger to scare you into submission, to control you was how I started feeling guilty for bringing up what I noticed about his cruel behavior. I don’t know if he laughed afterwards or not, but he did that to control the narrative the he is a victim and I am a persecutor. I was not allowed to speak about what I noticed about his behavior that made me feel uncomfortable, like cruelly jabbing other people, then it was used on me to take me down a notch, he did that part with a smug smile of satisfaction on his face . This is how they start crippling your self-esteem and self-worth. Until you untangle your poor head and start seeing it for what it is. And even if you truly see it and understand the logic behind these behaviors it didn’t me feel better, it is still very repulsive to witness.
The cruel jokes that made me feel small and that he did it with a smug satisfaction on his face made me feel afraid of him. But of course then there was pathological lying, physical violence, gaslighting, denial, etc.
Oh my how I relate (and physically reacted) to everything you said. That it is from someone who is supposed to care for you is really difficult to understand.
“Power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing”.
– George Orwell
One of the world’s largest megalomaniac narcissistic bullies has overplayed his hand. He has attacked and disparaged our allies, tried to bully them into submission, threatened to take them over, kidnapped a foreign leader and stole their oil.
He campaigned as the peace president. He has ordered military strikes on at least 7 countries. Iran originally agreed to unprecedented terms while they were negotiating.
Instead of taking that win and leaving at that, he decided with Netanyahu, to instead come up with a pretext to Bomb them. He killed their leader as well as most of his family, including children. The new leader, that was his family.
Now, he has bombed them without a valid reason or approval from congress, and Iran is using its leverage to take its power back. It’s not submitting like the bully thought.
Now, the bully is backed in a corner and wants help from our former allies that he has spent years disparaging, harassing, threatening, and the former allies are not coming to his rescue.
These wars do nothing good for us and the rest of the world. Our soldiers are dying for one man’s ego and self-aggrandizement. He sent a campaign fundraising email using the dead soldiers coming home in flag draped caskets. There are no words for how wrong that is. I’m just sickened.