Mastering Appetites and Aversions Builds Character

Mastering appetites and aversions is crucial to solid character development. We human being generally live our lives largely on what some have called the pleasure principle. That is, we tend to want to avoid pain and to seek positive, pleasurable stimulation. In fact, we’re so aligned with this principle that we can feel life isn’t worth living if we’re not experiencing enough pleasure or if we’re experiencing too much pain.

Character is largely about putting the pleasure principle in its proper place. It’s true purpose is to guide and enrich life, not control it. That’s why those who haven’t succeeded in mastering their appetites and aversions often lead lives that are a virtual shipwreck.

The Nuts and Bolts of this All-Important “Commandment”

There are things in life that by nature are not very appealing. Yet, in the bigger picture, they’re really good for us. Then there are things that are highly appealing, tempting. They offer great pleasure, or so it seems, but can also be very bad for us, especially in the long run.

It’s not good to over-indulge in what pleases us. Usually, such indulgence eventually harms us, and can even kill us. Nor is it good to run from all that is unpleasant. Some really unpleasant things like daily workouts take time to get used to and have powerful and lasting benefits. As folks grow in character, they come to accept this paradoxical reality. And they take comfort in knowing that they can bear with some unappealing things and moderate their appetite for various pleasures. Mastering appetites and aversions is what builds what many have called “strength of character.” And it’s one of the “commandments” I discuss in depth in Essentials for the Journey.

Vetting the History

When vetting a potential relationship partner, you want to observe how they manage their appeatites and aversions. Of course, you might want to avoid a person who’s too rigid and demanding. But you also don’t want someone who’s out of control in various ways either. Folks who too often run from the difficult and over-indulge in the pleasurable are almost always trouble. And while they’ll often promise they’ll do better, that doesn’t mean they have a real commitment to proper self-management. My clinical practice was chock full of individuals who couldn’t or woudn’t manage their appetites and aversions properly. That left their partners to clean up the inevitable messes.