A World of Bad Actors
The world today is full of bad actors. You know, the character-impaired individuals who’ve never grown up. Toxic relationship survivors know this well. And they’ve no doubt asked themselves why. There are many reasons. However, a few stand out. Chief among them: a culture of indulgence and entitlement.
The Price of Indulgence
Research points to societies of two general types: indulgent or restrained. Indulgent societies permit, even promote the free gratification of human desires. If you want it, go for it! – that’s the motto. Restrained societies place rules over personal desires. They pressure folks to subordinate their individual wants to the greater social need. Naturally, that limits freedom. Now, in the healthiest of societies, a good balance gets struck. After all, too much restraint quashes the human spirit. But too much indulgence has its price, too. People too easily take license.
Bad actors can actually be born of either society. To much repression and containment can spark rebellion. And rebels make for the most notorious bad actors. However, too much indulgence can breed entitled, spoiled characters. Bad actors simply emerge more easily in indulgent atmospheres.
The Death of Self-Control
Several years back, an ages-old concept died: self-control. And as a result, too many came to see themselves as victims. Folks no longer thought in terms of making choices, all of which had consequences. They succumbed to a more externalized view. Our genes predispose us. Our biochemical imbalances make us do things. The environment we came out of shaped us. At least that’s what our society tells us. So, if we’re making a mess of our lives, it’s never our fault. Besides, a pill can always make things better. But mounds of research solidly point to one crucial factor for psychological health: the ability to delay gratification. You have to cultivate such an ability carefully. But in an indulgent world, just learning when and how to say “no” to oneself is difficult. And actually imposing a “no” when necessary is even more so.
Bad actors are mostly made, not born. Only the worst of them inherently lack the empathy capacity to be decent. So, to foster less character disturbance we have to focus mostly on the cultural factors promoting it.
Restoring the Balance
Folks used to having a lot and doing as they please can easily forget (or never come to know) the value of freedom or abundance. When you haven’t had to pay the price, you can’t possibly appreciate what something is worth. We have to get reconnected again to the things that matter and what they cost. Far too many people approach life and relationships with no idea of the self-management skill required to healthily enjoy either of these things.
We’ll be talking about all this in greater depth in the coming weeks. I’ll be revisiting the “10 Commandments of Character” but in a totally new light. (See also, How to Nurture Good Character.) The new series will focus on forging a life of integrity and purpose. And it will also serve as an introduction to my upcoming book.
Character Matters will feature a prerecorded program Sunday, November 26. This Sunday, November 19 will also likely feature a rebroadcast of an earlier program.
As always, thanks for recommending my books and this blog to others.
51 thoughts on “Why There Are So Many Bad Actors Out There”
Immediate self gratification is the narcissists creed. I remember studying psychology years ago learning about the two marshallow test. A group of psychologists did a life long study on a target group and commenced in pre-school. They gave the 4 year olds a choice: there was a tray of marshmallows, they were told the teacher was going to leave the room and return shortly. If the children waited for the teacher to return they would receive 2 marshmallows but if they couldn’t not wait for the teacher to return they could have 1 marshmallow.
They studied these kids throughout their entire lives and found the 2 marshmallow kids were smarter, more socially aware, were more committed, and all round did better in life as opposed to the 1 marshmallow kids. I think a major component of narcissistic rage is the denial of immediate self gratification to the narc.
Ah yes the victim attitude. A very bad one to be stuck in and some people tragically remain there their entire lives. It is very easy if one has suffered at the hands of a malignant narcissist/s to go into victim mode. However, the objective is not to stay in victim mode but to heal ourselves to the point we can accept life happens for us and not to us.
I have come to the point now where I am becoming whole and healed from these horrific experiences – it is uplifting and rewarding. It is extremely spiritual in nature and once we can fully understand the damage we experienced was brought to our awareness in order to show us that which is unhealed in us we can progress. To this end it gives us the ability to clear the path so we can move forward in a more solid, healthy way without hidden vulnerabilities that allowed narcs to latch onto us in the first place.
A narcissist will not target an individual who A. does not provide narcissistic supply to the narc and B. if that individual is whole and healed it leaves no anchor points of vulnerability within that the narcissist can hook into. Knowing what they are and how to recognise them is an added boon as well but not nearly as important as the first two mentioned above.
I can’t believe I am actually about to say this but I always wondered since the time of discard when I would come to understand just this and that is: I am grateful for meeting the ex narc who love bombed me and then discarded so cruely. That was just the ticket to uncover all those nasty unhealed and false beliefs I had within myself.
Plus it gives me first hand experience to narc love bombing. While I’d dealt with familial and professional narcissists I had never fallen head over heals for anybody as I did with him thanks to all that lovely dopamine and oxytocin my brain was manufacturing. We actually fall in love with love and the exquisite and most ideal qualities we assigned to the narc were actually a projection of our own attributes and nothing more.
The more we uplevel ourselves the less prone we are to tolerate victims – any victim who willfully chooses to remain in that mode of reality. This is not a judgement but a recognition that they are socially and personally irresponsible and will continue to leach off our energy if we allow it. Someone recently coined the term “serotonin harvesters” I love it! I’ve wasted far too much energy on people who I’ve tried to help over the years but every solution offered to them, they only see more problems. They are leaching off our energy by that stage.
My boundaries have been fortified. I will not even entertain conversations with those of necrophilic orientation including self perpetuating victims who are all simply “bad actors”. I won’t bother because they are not worth my time, they aren’t worth anybodies time. That means I must be a non vibrational match for that type of energy so I am getting to where I want and need to be. I am no longer a narc magnet.
Bon appetite guys!
Thanks Dr. Simon!
And Eudoxia, sorry to hear about your horrid hooking experience…and I don’t mean crocheting an afghan!
I understand what you are saying about getting hooked and how we need to work on ourselves to make sure it doesn’t happen again. But frankly, the wounds I have aren’t going to heal. They are a part of me.
However, I am working from a point of education where I understand these bad actors and know to avoid them. I know the signs now. I may be vulnerable but I am not vulnerable TO THEM anymore!
Lisa – everybody can heal their wounds. The only people who are unable to are people with brain damage whose brains are damaged due to TBI or atrophied due to lack of using certain neurological pathways. Is healing the latter possible I don’t know.
LOL at my hooking experience, ah it was all for the best. It may have been horrific once but we need to be horrified so it gets our attention! Once it has we can work with it and then the fun starts. It’s hard core but it does pay off and there is most certainly an upside. Entanglements with narcissists if used properly can evolve us like no other.
As per previous posts I am not talking about early childhood parental abuse – I fully acknowledge this damages a person extensively but they can heal as well.
The wounds I have can’t heal altogether because I can’t be a child again and bond with a father who never existed.
There is primary damage there that I can work around though. And, the impact of a lack of a proper bond plus abuse can be lessened by fortifying similar bonds in as healthy a way as possible.
And being abused by a psychopathic P, as difficult as it was, confirmed to me that, in spite of the damage and a strong desire for something LIKE a father daughter bond, I was able to rise above it.
We are all much stronger than we think!
Lisa you can because you don’t need to bond with a father that never existed, you can re-parent yourself and learn to validate your core self by yourself. Most of my wounds are from my father. He wasn’t a narcissist but he was a very slap happy parent with little tolerance and a frozen adult child himself due to the abuse he suffered as a child but I would not go so far as to say he was a malignant abuser.
What I am picking up is many false beliefs I have about myself from his lack of support of me. NARP is assisting me to nail these false beliefs and correct them it’s a type of NLP and it works. I thoroughly recommend it and especially for anybody who was raised by narcs.
We are definitely all much stronger than we think! When you say you were involved with psychopathic P (what is P?) what personality disorder did he have at his core? It would be one or more on the Cluster B spectrum which is Histrionic, Borderline, Narcissist or Antisocial? It is my understanding that psychopaths are either born or made but they have no specific diagnostic criteria that distinguishes psychopathy as a stand alone personality disorder in the DSM. As such although they update the DSM each time it’s produced which is every 12 years I have DSM IVTR. A true psychopath has abnormal brain functioning either due to atrophication or non formation of certain neural pathways (Hare).
It’s also now claimed that none of the Cluster B variants are all singularly one type, they are generally comorbid with NPD. So effectively they are all narcissists. It’s interesting if nothing else.
This is a talk from Surviving to Thriving about daughters of narcissistic fathers. You can heal and then some. My life is totally turning around of signing up 2 months ago. There is a vast difference to where I was before to where I am now. HUGE.
Blessings to you Lisa :-
Sorry the UTube is not from Melanie Tonia Evans it’s another person non related to NARP but she’s pretty good nonetheless :-
Thanks for taking the time to respond at length and for all of your suggestions! I don’t know if I have reparented myself or not. I had intensive lifecoaching for a couple of years with a fantastic coach who helped me a lot! Maybe she reparented me, in a way?
I still have some residual confusion about a lot of childhood problems. My father was like yours, though I would describe him as somewhere between slap happy and brutal.
He was rigidly authoritarian (abusive) career military and a frozen child, too, like your father. And although he wasn’t deviant or manipulative, he was cruel. So, even though he wasn’t clearly a malignant narc, I have a lot of the same problems Narc abuse survivors have. My father probably had some sociopathic traits. At the very least, he was insensitive and lacked empathy.
It’s tough when it’s a parent doing the abusing because it becomes your normal. Even though I fought back, I still felt like human garbage due to the constant barrage of belittling insults and casual non-caring attitude.
I have been seeing a new psychiatrist and realize I have some classic avoidant personality traits. My late husband had the same, plus was slightly Aspergerish. It is no mistake we ended up together! I wanted to be emotionally close but was afraid to be close to anybody, at the same time.
Anyway….thanks for caring and sharing your own stories. They are really interesting!
The psychopath who targeted me while I was having a ‘needs crisis,’ told me that his father referred to him as an anti-social when he was a child. He also told me that he learned in his late teens and early twenties, how to ‘fit in’ by carefully watching other people and imitating their mannerisms.
I thought he might have been a bit autistic! But autistic people aren’t given to love bombing, compulsive gift giving and clever manipulation. He was the product of a happy home, by all accounts. I think there was something genetically ‘off’ there. But, he faked sincerity really well!
What a bad actor!
OK that explains it a bit better – gotcha now. I can also relate how they appear to be a bit autistic I thought old mate may have had a touch of Aspergers but there is something way more sinister about them – I finally realised it’s the underlying malice.
I’ve had quite a few discussions with people I know who have had similar involvements and they generally all report feeling as if they were always under a microscope and I agree there. By that stage you’re on tender hooks and you start to detect a malevolent presence. Do you know what I think that is – that feeling like you’re constantly being slimed?
I think it’s the start of our neuroendocrine system producing stress hormones – but it doesn’t really up the ante until the full on abuse starts – we are producing small quantities of adrenaline and cortisol initially then they build as the malignant behavior intensifies. Their contagion is literally jumping ship onto us.
Our brains start producing peptides that match theirs because that is the permanent state they live in and by remaining with them and staying in the relationship we are syncing with them. Isn’t that cute? NOT. That would explain “the cat on a hot tin roof” sensation of being around them.
When they are being denied supply – and from observation of them in hindsight, this increases their stress hormones so they up the ante to get us to comply by reacting so they can calm their over stressed state. When we refuse to comply with their malignant childish demands this puts them into narc injury and they have a major release of adrenaline and cortisol (and God knows what else) and BOOM! Narc rage.
It’s an interesting ride is all I can say and I’m glad to be off it! Getting back to fathers, mine wasn’t cruel or regimental. He was just deeply unconscious and operating as a biological machine (Gurdjieff) an apt description. Frozen adult child really isn’t a good description of him he was a bit more alive than that LOL.
When I refer to frozen adult children I’m talking about the seriously maladaptive people who lash out dangerously at others over nothing and have no ability to self calm. Generally because someone has trodden on one of their frogs and they have a major meltdown. The last time old mate bunged that one on he was put right in his place no ifs buts or maybes about it.
All in all he’s really allowed me to hone right up on my narc defense abilities and know the hallmark traits that make them easily recognisable. One of the biggest red flags of all I think is when we have to repeatedly speak to somebody about their behavior which resembles that of a 5 year old and we wonder why we are not getting anywhere with them. That’s because there is little point in doing so because they can’t behave any older than the age they are stuck at inside.
If I’m right and they do live in a permanently over adrenalized state then they should all die of heart attacks quite early one would invisage so why don’t they? LOL
Ah all in good time. Supply denied :- BOOM …..dead ….. good riddance – I wish. That’s the trick mefinks – starve them out of existence.
Yeah Why Don’t They!!!!!
Its because the rage, the anger, the adrenaline rush, is pleasure food, it is luscious and all satisfying for them, it creates dopamine and serotonin. Its like having the ongoing thrill of the hunt, the conquest, the satiating feel of contentment, the ultimate orgasm (not meant to be inappropriate) the ultimate high. Heart attack never…….
One must meet these CD individuals on a different battlefield. The CD usually die from other sources. Again we are down to supply and demand.
Please, and interesting ride?????
That’s candy land, try the towering inferno, I bet Lucy can relate.
At the end of the day it depends on our relationship to ourselves and always was is what I have now established. How we allow them to affect us is just it. What we will allow and as far as I am concerned the buck stops right here with me. I am never stepping out of integrity again nor handing my power over to another.
When The Tower in tarot shows up in a reading it is generally a sign of liberation from grief and sorrow or anxiety and pain. It indicates a sudden happening that when in motion, and depending on our attitude to it, is seen as either a divine blessing or a total disaster. At any rate it signifies at either it’s worst or best aspect as liberation from a self imposed form of incarceration.
So yes it could be a towering inferno :-
Bright blessings Eudo
Everyone is different as far as what they will tolerate. For many living in a dysfunctional family the abuse is far worse than than what others could imagine. As you know we are all made up differently, genetics, environment, nationality, age, conditioning etc., has a lot to do with ones tolerance.
For many the abusive relationships one may live with would be welcomed by another. What we know now about the CD is mind boggling to say the least considering at one time we were in complete darkness, knowing something was wrong, but having no clue as to what.
It comes easy for some to put the puzzle together and for some it is complete denial and rationalization. I am grateful for the resources we have today at our fingertips to investigate the inklings and questions aroused in us by the CD. In terms of how underhanded and covert the CD are, for individuals who are naive and empathic it is hard to fathom how corrupt others can be.
I am glad you are where you are in relationship to the CD, a place I think many of us strive to be. I appreciate your strong stance and boundaries you have set in place. You set a standard and a fine example we all should strive for with the CD in ones life.
I do agree once we know it is a self imposed incarceration. I am glad for the many that have a choice, for many they don’t have a choice to leave and this is truly sad and tragic.
I agree too, if I get an inkling of a CD to far along the continue, as Joey says “Bye Byeeee.”
No, wait! The bad actor was a really good actor!
Almost all of us can do with some re-parenting. Many times what was absent from our family of origin we obtain from our future families and a loving spouse where we are able to experience the intimacy, understanding and love me didn’t receive. This usually doesn’t work if one is significantly broken.
It is helpful and a boon to have someone that can take us through the re-parenting process we need and your therapists may have very well been doing this with you and not going into detail. One has to be open to the re-parenting and many times the techniques are used unawares to us to draw us out if we don’t fully understand the dynamics.
LisaO, one can re-parent themselves, not an easy feat, but nevertheless can be done by being honest with ourselves and authentic. It is a huge commitment to oneself to dig deep inside and work through all the painful memories we can recall and as time goes on, the more deeply embedded traumatic experiences will come to the surface.
Some of the known pioneers in the field were Kline, Kohut, Kernberg, Winefied and I think Winnecott did some excellent work. Allice Miller wrote a lot about trauma, in that she was abused and took on many narcissistic traits.
Re-parenting is one of the only ways to heal a lot of the inner emotional turmoil and damage that has been done. By revisiting the past in a objective and positive manner gives one the ability to heal and rise above the victim mentality. Not everyone understands this process and one must being willing to get over and give up the fear, learned helplessness and defense mechanisms that keep one stuck.
Anger can also keep us stuck in this state of false security, therefore, we remain wounded in our cozy bottle blanket. The idea is to heal our inner wounds which then enables us to be free and whole. The benefit is to become a sovereign individual that doesn’t let past experiences keep us from being whole.
The re-parenting process does work, I did it years ago and I guarantee it will set you free from many past experiences. There are issues that are very solidified and deep rooted, these will take time to heal if ever. Being aware makes life more manageable and gives one more power over ones lives and emotions.
Hugs and many blessings
You have done such incredible work on yourself. You have come a loooonnnggg way! I am pretty sure my life coach was ‘reparenting me’ as you just described. She helped me emotionally.
The psychiatrist I am seeing now is helping to explain things to me from a brain anatomy point of view — as in, what brain changes occur from parental neglect, bullying etc…and I am looking into what cognitive effects prolonged anxiety has on the developing brain and how those changes may have burned a path for auto-immune disorder.
I don’t know what was up with my father. His lack of empathy was stunning. I remember when I was 11 years old, my friends had moved away, leaving a huge hole in my life.
He would take every opportunity to tell me nobody liked me and I had no friends, whenever he was angry. If my mother was out of the house, he would tell me she didn’t love me anymore either and once punched me in the stomach when she was gone. (Not hard)
I would sometimes feel de-personalized or like I wasn’t totally real and just drifting away. I developed ‘skills’ to cope at that time. Would just go numb. I can’t always connect with the emotion of personal sorrow in a direct way but I am working on that.
Anyway, sorry, don’t want to turn this into a personal blog about ME! If it helps anybody else that I describe this style of coping mechanism when living (or having lived) with an abusive parent or spouse, a I guess it has some value?
I think it is great you are sharing your personal story, as it gives insight into many others stories that are or have similarities. I think most ALL that is shared on this blog is of importance and even the ignorance of ???? Dr. Bill and the Trolls that slip in now and then.
From the little you say, both your parents had severe issues. Perhaps, your mother was taking out on you what your father took out on her or she may have had a vindictive mean streak. Your father has the telling traits of a CDN and perhaps had PTSD from the service depending on the arena’s of war he was in at the time. There is much we can analyse in your history and your parents as to the who, what and whys. However, it is the here and now, the question is what can you do now to become or work towards being whole.
What is important to realize it was all dysfunctional, cruel behavior and outright – LIES – they both inflicted on you. The sad part is you had similar people in your life after your parents to reaffirm and embed these lies.
In order to properly heel and make sense and peace with the past one needs to delve deep inside and undo these LIES.
Let me ask you this, does it really matter what part of your brain does what? It is a resounding YES, CPTSD, stress, anxiety, all negative assaults against our being , including lack of support, affects our bodies, heart, soul and mind. I have similar problems as you describe too, as far as the immune system is concerned. Part caused by stress and the other factor a traumatic spinal injury. What matters is is what do we need to do in order to heal.
We have it within ourselves to change some of these adverse afflictions resulting from the CD relationship too. In order to begin to heal we must cutoff the source that is making us sick and then begin the process of healing and growth. All areas of our life must be looked at thoroughly and honestly.
This is were this blog is important. Dr. Simons work that he has shared with us on building Character is the key to what we will need in order to go through this challenge. It is an immense process and undergoing and one will need all the courage and character one can muster to reap the rewards of shedding the LIES we believed.
I have read many books on the re-parenting and it is one of the key factors we need to do in order to heal ourselves. This blog is full of links on how one can grow. I think Eudox is onto something with her NARP and I plan to do it too in the near future. I had listened to many of MTE youtubes in the past and agree with most of what she says. We must take advantage of every healthy avenue to set ourselves free, otherwise, the CD truly win in destroying our lives.
There comes a time when all the understanding will lead us no where, it is the actual indepth work that will get us somwhere. It is all a process, we can start the process and it is all up to us how far we are willing to climb the ladder. It’s never to late to take the leap, as far as I am concerned, looking back and not doing the work will only bury me, I don’t have the time to live in this tomb any longer, a tomb that was not of my making, a tomb I know I can escape from now.
There are other ways to exit this Matrix and any which way I can escape, I will. There is a window open LisaO, right in front of our eyes, if we would only open our eyes and go through it.
Blessings to all and thank you all for sharing.
My mother was loving and very stable but misinformed and had to go along with my father. As she aged, (starting when I was in my mid twenties and no longer living at home,) I experienced a total insensitivity from her — and for no apparent reason.
This became an infrequent but alarming pattern. She died of frontal temporal lobe disorder and it is possible her uncharacteristic behavior began to assert itself when she was much younger.
My father had a cushy life, did not serve in any wars and he and my mother NEVER fought…like never even argued! At all..not in front of us or out of earshot — except when they were in their late 70’s and my mother was so ill.
They partied a lot, had a great time and my father seemed like he wished we had never been born. When he wasn’t being insulting or abusive he just ignored us. This is why I figured he wasn’t an N, because he didn’t manipulate us or control our every move.
But he was darn mean, for sure. So maybe he was a kind of N? I think he was sociopathic or had dominant traits of a sociopath.
I grew up kind of feral.
And yes to keeping all cd’s right out of our lives! I have to be careful, myself, not to see it everywhere though. I don’t know if I will ever be the best judge of character!
Thanks so much for your words of wisdom and concern! I appreciate so much the thought about living in a tomb or rather, NOT living in a tomb! and also realizing that I was brought up with the lie that I was ‘bad and selfish.’ Of all my family I can honestly say that I am the least selfish of all of them, my mother included. It’s so bizarre. What on earth were they thinking, saddling an 11 year old child, who merely didn’t make her bed and shoved her toys under it, with that condemnation? It was SO stupid!! I got top grades at that time, looked after my siblings and stayed out of trouble…. but I was BAD! Huh?
My life coach helped me a lot with that one.
What would my parents have done if they had had any truly BAD children?
Lisa – he sounds like a full blown narc. My father didn’t devalue me, or physically violate me we did cop the odd “hiding” but that was because we did something to bring it about. My sister and I used to fight like cats and dogs.
Lack of empathy??? DOH red flag! You will fix all of those old programs using NARP it’s what it does. It takes us straight through to the false beliefs we hold about ourselves.
If you want to know about young developing brains and particularly what leads to addictive behaviors including narcissistic behavior then pick up Dr Gabor Mate’s In the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts. I can with confidence assure you – you’re answers are in there.
I was going to post a link to a brief talk Mate did but I can’t find it right now, will post it when I do. Glad you did all that work with a good life coach Lisa they are the way to go and I’ve learned a lot from them as well. They have their fingers right on the pulse! Nothing works though like what I’m doing now though.
I am now finding I can’t be around people who are in victim mode or high anxiety. I have to get out of there Fred! I am becoming highly attuned to my vibrational states. I know when these are fluctuating and like I said previously people’s states cause contagion to others. When someone is producing stress hormones – RUN!
Lisa / BTOV (great to see you back btw 🙂
This is the talk by Mate. Please watch it’s very good.
Eudox, LisaO, Lucy, Andy, JC, and all, wheres our Joey????
Thanks for the welcome Eudox.
LisaO, adding to what I said to you before, we don’t think about this often and I can’t remember anyone talking about it. In one of my posts I briefly talked about the sexual assault I went through. It is a deep wound within me and it is something I need to vomit out, along with all the toxic poisons that are raging through my body.
Aside from the toxicity of this experience, I have done the mental and emotional work as far as I can today. What really has been a hindrance is our physical bodies are traumatized from the event. Way long after the traumatic event our physical bodies are still traumatized and the trauma continues to emerge and grow.
How can this be? Believe me not one Dr. had the experience or knowledge to explain this to me, I had to figure it out on my own. Every time we are reminded, or relive the event our whole body incorporates the trauma and reacts to it. Every time we come in contact with a stressor on a conscious or subconscious our physical body remembers. Our senses remember and recall of the trauma can set off a chain reaction in ones body.
You see our body has memory separate from our mind. Besides a violation of our mind there is a toxic residual left in our bodies and if untreated runs a coarse of all sorts of maladies. Just as a smell can set off the initial trauma the body acts accordinly. Our minds may have healed but our body hasn’t.
I realized I could talk myself mentally out of responding, however, the culprit living in my energy cells is still alive and well. It takes a well thought out understanding of PTSD that is beyond most physicians capability to diagnose or even understand. I had only one Dr. who understood what I was trying to explain and he was an X Vet who had two purple hearts. He knew immediately what I was talking about.
When we come in contact with the original trauma our bodies can react in negative ways that keep us stuck. Perhaps LisaO, this is some of what is going on with you. I know the stronghold, the struggle is getting cooperation from the body who has now morphed into the trauma mode and rebels against us.
This is another whole aspect of trauma held in our memory banks one has to deal with too, in order to heal. Not an easy feat by any means, one has to be constantly aware of what those triggers are and deal with them accordingly, once formed in a distorted manner our body memory is difficult to change.
It is very important to eat healthy and make sure you take additional supplements to compensate for the depletion of vitamins and minerals that are poorly absorbed by our bodies when fighting off a stress reaction. Mindfulness and meditation are a good tool too.
I hope this may be of help.
I will bare in mind your thoughts on body memory. It gives me a lot to ponder.
Being beaten to the point of blacking out, as a 4 and 5 year old, made me feel implicitly, but not explicitely, ‘lesser than.’
It is hard to put into words what message is being encoded right into your cells, (as you describe) by these actions.
The idea of ‘self’ is altered and when it happens at a young age, it occurs below the level of consciousness. One feels implicitly that they are somehow loathsome.
I feel so bad, dear Btov, that you were raped. And I think it is such a good thing you are processing the experience and writing about it here.
Thank you for the understanding, I know that others have suffered far more than me and I try to count my blessings. I am sorry for what you endured too, I know that scenario too, words can’t express the pain and rejection we endure. It makes me wonder what the parent who transgresses may have endured and suffered at their parents hands, a generational sin that replicates and continues cycling. It is a wonder any of us are whole.
The question to all this is is how to turn the evil into good, how can I use life’s experiences to make me a better person. Yes, I do get stuck in a pity bag at times, especially, when in a pain loop. The important lesson is learned when we transcend from the transgression and grow rather than stagnate which I am guilty of.
Also, I try never to carry anger with me and let it go. I don’t have room for this kind of negativity. I didn’t watch this particular You tube of Mates. What I picked up on of Mates is which I think Eudox was saying and please correct me if I am wrong. Mate is talking about in the reality of the CD, to put it simply, is, addicted to themselves and their supply.
If this isn’t what Mate is ascribing too, then I stand corrected and I assert being narcissistic is an addiction, an addiction to oneself and supply. Feed the hunger for supply to oneself at any cost. I thought this for many years while observing the individuals CD’s I know with this sickness. I helped raise my siblings and have wondered back in time going over the developmental stages of them and can see how the environmental influences created them.
I also know I am different then them and can attribute the predominating factors as to why. Narcissism is formed at many levels, including when a person, not a fetus, is in the womb. The unborn baby is in sinc with their mother hears and feels all the negative vibrations of hostility, fear, anxiety and so on within their mother.
We have a lot to learn about the formation of oneself and who one is predetermined to be. All the whys are intriguing, at the same time this topic of CD is extremely sad. How can mankind be so cruel and inhuman to the very part of them they have co-created.
For me, the good that can come out of all this is is the knowing we as a whole have within ourselves the power to break the cycle. I believe that is the very essence of this blog created by Dr. Simon. Dr. Simon is giving us the tools to take back our lives and that of our world.
Mate has never stated anywhere in his talks or his book anything about narcissism or CD or used any name associated with a Cluster B assignation.
What he’s saying is that all addicts regardless of their addiction find it necessary to get their needs met from external sources in their case drugs. They have an empty void that needs to be filled from something other than what they themselves can give. In the case of both drug addicts and behavior junkies they have a common denominator – craving stimulation.
For a drug addict there are 3 things involved in their addiction.
1. the craving for an external source / stimulant
2. the substance = drug administration
3. the rush – the high/relief provided when the drug is administered.
What is it the relief provides? A filling of an empty void inside them, short term relief from pain to fill the void of an empty inside world, it makes them feel something.
As in the behavorial addict
1. the CD or maladaptive person = craving another person to provide external response/reaction relief from boredom (external source)
2. the maladaptive behavior amps up (the application) = anger, tantrums, manipulative behavior
3. the relief / supply gained that the CD obtains from the reaction of the victim – the high (that all powerful feeling).
It’s the same shit. Their brains are damaged in the same places. They just use different means to fill that void.
Some of the sentences from the video are…
… in case of my highly addicted patients, it’s very clear why they’re in pain because they’ve been abused all their lives, they began life as abused children.
… the addition to power is always about the emptiness that you try and fill from the outside.
… addiction, depression, anger, and violence are different ways we react to pain.
I don’t agree with any of above. Such ideas promote excuse making on the perpetrators behalf. It is one major area where psychology fails, especially when it comes on interpersonal relationships.
Mate isn’t addressing psychology. He’s addressing physiological and stress responses. Mate worked with some of the worst kind of Canada’s skid row addicts. He also incorporates addictive behavior into his work. He never mentioned narcissists specifically and has never done so in anything I’ve listened to or read.
Nobody is making excuses on anybody’s behalf but some people do try to understand how these people were pre-disposed to the poor choices or copping mechanisms they adopted throughout life and unconsciously so at that. A 7 year old is hardly in a position to decide this or that either way.
Nobody has a right to violate the rights of others. NOBODY. Information about how these people were made is an attempt to assist others to understand it nothing more. There is nothing wrong with compassion it gives us the edge not them.
Mate doesn’t utilise psychology, he is explaining neurology and associated physiological processes as in stress response/reaction. It does not promote excuse making – it is demonstrating understanding of the process involved.
Sorry didn’t realise I’d responded to this twice.
As far as I know, it is much safer to call out the real behaviour and avoid getting into some convoluted and unverifiable reason. Some people may really have some issue with their neurological pathways and predisposed to idiotic and self-destructive behaviour without realizing it. But only some people. For most people, they are simply irresponsible, anti-social, selfish, predatory – they should be held fully accountable.
Hard core addicts are often victims of childhood sexual or physical abuse. It’s the reality. They are not predators and need medical attention, love and respect.
A percentage are predatory sensation seekers though and they should definitely be held accountable!
Thanks so much for the link! My new guy and I just finished helping a lovely First Nations (N.American for aboriginal) young woman get on her feet. She has suffered some of what Mate described in the video — but no
addiction issues. She is a very strong wise person who will, in turn, help others. She and I go back a long way — kindred spirits. She knows that if things get too tough out there she can stay with me. I am sure this gives her the confidence to venture out on her own.
Like me, her anxiety becomes paralyzing and if she feels there is no safety net there for her, she is apt to fall.
Love the video and agree with Mate.
Lisa – good for you :- I have a great deal of respect for the First Nations people’s and they have suffered exponentially at the hands of us. Our First Nation’s peoples included. Yes our Oz history has quite the record for barbarism too. We are pretty well running the exact blueprint in this country – our indigenous people’s are treated like shit. It shows how lacking in compassion this society has become. Judgemental, harsh and no compassion.
I suggest you look into HPA Axis Dyregulation this excerpt in part from Hugry Ghosts describes it () brackets mine.
“The neural pathways of sexually and physically and emotionally abused children are chronically altered. Even a relatively mild “stressor” like a maternal depression – let alone neglect, abandonment, or abuse can disturb an infant’s physiological stress mechanisms. Add neglect abandonment and abuse and the child will be more reactive to stress during her entire life. A study published in the Journal of American Medical Association concluded that “a history of childhood abuse per se is related to increased neuroendocrine [nervous and hormonal] stress reactivity, which is further enhanced when additional trauma is experienced in adulthood (either real or perceived).
A brain preset to be easily triggered into a stress response is likely to assign a high value to substances, activities (including manipulative controlling behaviour) and situations that provide immediate short term relief. It will have less interest in long term consequences, just as people in extremes of thirst will greedily consume water knowing their may be toxins present. On the other hand, situations or activities that for the average person are likely to bring satisfaction are undervalued because, in the drug or behavioural addict’s life, they have not been rewarding. For example: intimate connections with family. This shrinking from normal experience is also an outcome of early trauma and stress, as summarized in a recent psychiatric review of early childhood development:
Neglect and abuse during early life may cause bonding systems to develop abnormally and compromise capacity for rewarding interpersonal relationships and commitment to societal and cultural values later in life. Other means of stimulating reward pathways in the brain, such as drugs, sex, aggression and intimidating others could become relatively more attractive and less constrained by concern about violating relationships. The ability to modify behaviour based on negative experiences may be impaired”. [I would go so far as to say IS impaired]
Basically what that report is saying is that due to absence of strong familial bonds and rewarding family experiences there is little need and no mechanism available whereby an addict (in all it’s applications) can perceive or see value in long term consequences as there was no value there form to enable those neural pathways to be used or formed. The question I ask here is – Can they be re-formed?
A great post and the ultimate question?
Yes, more so as an adjunct, I know of two individuals that fit the above, one is a psych Dr., retired military, special opts., the other has a medical background too and an IQ of 150. It is an amazing transformation, it can happen with immense endurance and the will to change. The psych Dr. was aware of Dr. Simons work and said he should had consulted Dr., Simon, however, given his ego that it would be impossible. This Doctor went on to say that Dr. Simon has pegged the problem accurately. This Dr. went into psychology in the hopes of curing himself.
The other person describes themselves as having been a sociopath and had a come to Jesus moment. It took them 20 years of rigorous introspection to be where they are at today. Amazing stories and journey’s to say the least. I feel privileged and fortunate these individuals shared their personal stories and insights of the internal workings and mind of the CDNSP with me.
Both have incredible stories and histories. The above individuals were instrumental in helping me understand the inner thinking of the CDNSP. Both agreed the act of forgiveness, was key to their change.
I wonder, what contributed to the personal issues of this individual? The character disorder is evident from the first sentence written.
I apologize in advance if links aren’t allowed.
I think he looked pretty reasonable. He is just writing out what he has figured out on his own. All one need to do is to read his blog as his personal opinion, if one must read it. That is all.
He actually gives very strong warning that people tend to label him misanthrope even though he doesn’t believe himself to be so.
I will say it will be an interesting contrarian reading… something that flies in the face of conventional thinking.
Andy, you sound a quite reasonable, intelligent fellow. I won’t even bother with the other obviously shallow, idiotic comments.
…and, since you took the trouble to actually find out what I had to say, rather than pontificate from a place of arrogance over a fleeting impression, like the others did, I also took the trouble to go through your comments. Not surprisingly, I fully agree with your stance on personal responsibility, a traditional value that seems to be going fast out of fashion, busy as we are today at blaming everything and everyone except ourselves for our shortcomings. Not surprisingly, again, you’re facing headwinds on this point with other commenters. And here is where I think we may differ.
Some people, usually women, seem to have pledged their existence to a particular cause, that they spearhead relentlessly, mostly by flooding the comment sections of many blogs with their long, boring tirades. Their heart is set, their mind is made up, and their brain has long exited reception mode. Which is why they won’t listen to any argument that doesn’t toe alongside their chosen creed. No amount of arguing will ever make them budge an inch. I’ve learned to quickly recognise their ilk, and while you seem willing to engage them, I have long ago stopped thus wasting my time.
You are probably lot quicker to walk away than me. I need to cultivate this a bit more, and also develop ability to detect single-ideological persons, so as to enable walking away silently.
May I suggest that you read the blogs here instead of getting into comments. The blogs are ideal for today’s age of online reading with shortened attention span. Simple English. No convoluted sentences. One blog, one message. Multiple short blogs for complex message.
Some ideas for you to take to your blogs.
In fact, I had bookmarked this site already before finding out I had become commenting material.
He has no empathy and doesn’t get that, in the U.S , the leading cause of fat is poverty, overwork and not enough sleep, plus several other factors, not all within the individual’s control.
People who are low income are going to be eating cheap food, full of flour sugar and fat. These foods lower blood sugar and low blood sugar increases appetite. Rinse repeat.
So, I read a couple of paragraphs, can see him for the arrogant, judgemental person he is and quit reading.
I went through a misanthropic stage myself. It was not because I lacked empathy it was because I was judging others and didn’t like the direction society was heading for.
It took me a great of humility before I came to the awareness I am at today and a considerable amount of pain and suffering in no short order just like most of us here today.
I can actually relate to what Lonely Planet is saying. There was once a time I would be totally disgusted when I was at the supermarket and a particularly obese person was out the checkout with a cart full of s**^t.
I don’t do that today, I wonder what happened to them to make them want to eat sh**9t because it is self abuse. I don’t believe a good portion of them understand they are self abusing. They have probably had role models that did not eat healthy either. In lieu of proper guidance – “monkey see monkey do”
We are imprinted just like all other mammals are. It’s just we have a neortex that allow us to actually “think” about what we are doing and direction we can take, we all have options.
JK Rowling got it right when she refers to the general population of humans as Muggles. People who have spent their lives getting their daily dose of reality from TV and reading MSM so called news. Many people have given their power away to authority and will forever be nothing more than programmed biological machines. Forever in service to their ego.
There generally comes a time though in a person’s life when they become so disgusted with themselves and what their life is about – they take another course of action. And that is soul searching.
Sometimes we need a huge trauma to snap out of our hypnotic wakeful state we’ve been in to really make the effort to find our real self.
Time are changing though and some of us are actually waking up to this.
To correct – We have no control over how another person feels or experiences life. We about as much control over that as we do over the color of the sky.
When I see morbidly obese people I see people encased in their own despair.
Ditto – it’s because by and large (pardon the pun) they are.
I can give you a diffrent reason why some people seem to lash out angrily over trifles. They may still be good people at heart, but they are just pissed off beyond measure with today’s disgraceful standards of most people around them.
Or there is another reason. People shouldn’t lash out to others over trifles. If they are angry about something their anger is their responsibility. Nobody knows exactly what makes another person tic. There are only perceptions.
Our emotions are our responsibility. We have no more control over how somebody else feels if they are offended that’s their problem. How we conduct ourselves in every waking moment is our choice. We are no more control over how a person feels any more than we cant control the color of of the sky.
There is no truth – just perceptions of it. We may see something – other’s may see something else.
Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.
Fat is a social and cultural disease. There are so many reasons other than just plain sloth that contribute to it. Fat, sugar and carbs are cheap and the U.S is a nation where a huge number of citizens work for less than 8.00 an hour. Try to eat healthy on that.
That too Lisa – there are many reasons.