Manipulators Minimize and Trivialize Misdeeds

Why Manipulators Minimize

Character-impaired folks often minimize the seriousness of their misbehavior. Some professionals once thought they did this because they felt so bad. They assumed their conscience bothered them so much they had to trivialize what they’d done to live with themselves. But the primary reasons folks with character disturbances minimize are more troubling than that.  First, they don’t want you to see them for the flawed characters they are. Second, they want to convince you their actions were not what you perceived. And if you buy into their narrative, they succeed in manipulating you.

There’s an art to convincing others that something you did wasn’t really so bad or harmful. And a really skilled manipulator might actually admit part of what they did (usually, not the most serious part) just to appear like they accept responsibility. But conceding a point or two doesn’t equate with taking full ownership of one’s wrongdoing. It’s merely part of the game of impression management. Moreover, it’s how already conscience-impaired folks perpetuate their character flaws. You can’t take the task of changing your ways seriously and minimize the gravity of your actions at the same time. And tricking someone into thinking you’re not so bad a character is not the same as really working to be a better person.

The Harm Done

Disturbed characters lie and lie often. And when they minimize they deceive themselves as well as others about their character deficiencies and behavior problems. So you know that when someone continues to trivialize matters, they’re not going to take seriously the problems they need to correct. That’s the harm done by all the behaviors I call manipulation tactics. (See: Chapter 9, In Sheep’s Clothing.)  Engaging in these behaviors obstructs the internalization of healthy values and standards of conduct. It’s the way disturbed characters fight the very process of learning and accepting responsibility. Minimizing is just one way to obstruct the process of healthy socialization. Still, it’s a significant way. As long as a person trivializes the seriousness of their conduct, they can’t possibly embrace the need to change that conduct.

Those folks I describe in my books as “neurotic” are very different from disturbed characters. (See: Chapter 1, Character Disturbance.) Disturbed characters tend to manipulate, avoid responsibility, and put undue stress on others. But neurotics tend to stress themselves with an excessive sense of responsibility. They take things very seriously. Seasoned manipulators are good at exploiting this difference.

Manipulators often combine their minimizing with other tactics such as rationalization. (See also Rationalizing Away Wrongdoings.) Overly conscientious folks go the extra mile to understand. So they can let excuses and minimizations sway them. But when it comes to wrongful behavior, whatever might have prompted it (i.e. the “excuse”)is irrelevant. And whether what they did “wasn’t as bad” as someone else’s behavior, or as bad as last time, is irrelevant, too. If a  behavior is wrong, it’s wrong and needs to be corrected. And if someone’s trivializing it or making excuses for it, they won’t correct it. In fact, you can be pretty sure they’re going to do it again.

Tidbits

The first of my 2018 workshop schedule can be found on the Seminars page.

Character Matters on Sunday, April 22, 2018 will feature a rebroadcast of an earlier program. So, I won’t be able to take live calls.

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34 thoughts on “Manipulators Minimize and Trivialize Misdeeds

  1. Dr. Simon,

    I think this is one of the most difficult topics you have presented.

    Manipulators Minimize and Trivialize our Misdeeds. I have been thinking about this for a day now and probably will for the rest of this week. I know we are all guilty of this and I know when I have consciously done it. I know when I point the finger, three are pointing back at me. Perhaps, my reasons were not as bad or are as sinister as that of the CD manipulator, nonetheless, I have to own my bad behavior too.

    Forgiveness, as I have always encouraged on the blog sets one free, although, I did not always have this mindset. Forgiving myself also set me free to look deep within myself. I don’t feel anger, truly not many things get me angry, except for the injustices I see in this world. It becomes easier all the time for me to shrug many things off that would otherwise have bothered me in a negative way.

    I am grateful for the The Ten Commandments of Character I was fortunate enough to participate in. I am grateful for the book The Judas Syndrome including the works of Dr. Scott Peck my personal physicians and friends who are true healers of the spirit. Another, I can never forget is Victor Frankl who wrote Man’s Meaning to Life.

    I think it is important in life to minimize and trivialize those things that haven’t any real meaning. To Let Go and Let God. I also think it is important to realize and own when when I falter. Building character for me is a life long process, always changing always evolving.

    I have to say the tactics I have seen conscientious, dedicated manipulators do in my lifetime is eyeopening. I know I just don’t want to be like them and hope the changes and decisions I make in my life will be for good. I think it is not only important but wise to know when a manipulative person is trivializing and minimizing, what it entails and good examples of it to ward off being taken advantage of, and/or enabling.

    1. Correction Typo: Manipulators never Minimize or Trivialize our Misdeeds, (our) should had been removed. I have to say I got a giggle off this error and should make for some good responses. All the manipulators I know can’t wait for me to make a mistake to blow me out the water.

      The other thing a manipulator will do is never let you forget you did something wrong, they never forgive, they never forget, they are jotting down in their little black books “Everything” they deem you or anyone to have done wrong in life, past, present, future, including what they have done. It gets worse, for it is their version of events and its usually not whatever really happened, its embellished, misconstrued and downright fabricated lies… Also, if it makes them bad, beware, you will be told it never happen.

      1. BTOV,
        You are correct in saying you will get some good responses in regards to the typo “our” inserted!!! HAHA! That’d be the day a narc or CD minimizes or trivializes our “misunderstandings, mistakes or faults” right?
        I just had a narc question me as to why my “bed and breakfast” is no longer open to my family and strangers. I say bed and breakfast because I have always opened my home to help those who were in need. ALWAYS to my detriment. I’m no longer fooling myself in thinking me being Christ like to others means I actually deserve to suffer in this way for Christ.
        This person lied to me at least 5 times in questioning me and then minimized my pain and suffering brought on by the family member looking for a place to stay.
        The reason he is concerned about her having a place to stay when he has a guest room of his own??? Because then he would have to break down and buy a bed and bedding. It would cost HIM something. He and his wife want them in for a party but don’t want them in for the week. It would cot THEM something!!!
        It’s hilarious to watch someone who minimizes your pain sit there and squirm when you remember that I don’t have to engage in THE FIGHT because I don’t want anything out of the conversation they do!!!
        I remembered to confront the lies benignly and I FEEL GREAT!!!!
        Here’s what happened, he told me my sister who NEVER calls him, called.
        “Why did she call” I say. He says she wanted your number. I simply say “that’s not true”. He says why not? I say because she has my number, hasn’t changed in 15 yrs. He claims no she did, did she call you? I say no and she’s not going to. He says why do you say that? I say because she didn’t call looking for me, like I said she has my number. He did not know what to say then because he knew it was a lie that she called.
        He then brought up the sister that wants to stay at my home, AHHHH! now we’re getting to the reason for the lies. He asks how come you don’t want her staying at your house?
        I tell him it’s not personal and I already told my sister why I can’t have her come and stay here.
        They don’t want to accept that I have changed and he doesn’t want to “INVEST” in a relationship with her so after all the damage she has done to me and I gently asked her maybe we could talk about some of the reasons for her treating me so badly she immediately said she couldn’t answer all these long texts! She said she would write me a letter….you guessed it, it hasn’t come yet. That was in late Feb.
        I never felt so relaxed in my life about saying NO! Dr. Simon I am healing!!!! THANK YOU!!!

      2. BTOV & Others,

        As the child of a narcissistic parent, who says that I “make trust hard,” (because I now tell her nothing, why would I, she shares my life with other people, tells them I am incompetent, including my brother).

        I hate to point out the obvious. Where does she think I learned it from?

        Simple answer-do the steps and unlearn all of it.

        1. JC,

          Under the circumstances you are doing the right thing. Unfortunately, I never see these kind of people changing. I a sister I tried to develop a relationship with and all she did is gossip. I know it is hard many times not to gossip and we need to learn to keep quiet. Gossip in the end only hurts others.

          I totally agree with you, “unlearn all of it.”

          1. BTOV,

            Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen overnight.

            The sins of a father (or mother)….

            Yeah, no kidding!

            What you wind up doing to yourself is worse.

  2. Character-impaired minimize if outright denial won’t fly.
    And, some persistence! I bet half the time people “incorrectly” give up just to hold peace… well at least short-term peace. 🙂

  3. I spend the last four days with a granddaughter I was staying with because her parents were out of town. She is manipulative. When we got to her house she told me she lost the keys to the house and they must have dropped out of her pocket. So we were looking for the key in my car, then she had told me previously that there was a hidden key outside in another spot and I said we should go get that and she said there really wasn’t. I asked her why she would lie about that and she said “I don’t know”. I said, well we will have to go to my house and spend the rest of the time there til her Mom gets home. She let me go on like that, reprimanding her for lying to me about the other key, and then she picked the key out of her pocket with a big smile on her face, laughing. I got angry with her and told her that was not a joke and wasn’t funny and I didn’t appreciate it, and she said well you just can’t take a joke. I did some soul searching and was wondering if maybe I over reacted but this isn’t an isolated incident. This kind of lying and manipulation goes on when she wants something or wants to upset someone. I am afraid for her, she exhibits many of the signs of a CD. Its sad to see a young life start off this way.

    1. Yes. Training a young, but dulled mind to care is like planting a flower garden in a sand box…constant watering..with poor results at best.
      Dr. Simon says, strengthen you weak spots, and limit attention…
      My mom put a bar of soap in my mouth a few times when I lied to her. 1959.

    2. kat,

      One may have taken it as joke, but following clears all the doubts “she had told me previously that there was a hidden key outside in another spot…”.

      Your granddaughter is enjoying the power lying gives her over other people. Reminds me of Aeosp fable, The Boy Who Cried Wolf. One fine day she just may really lose her keys and call you for help, and you will tell her to get it from her hidden spot, set your phone on voice mail, and say good night to her. 😀

      1. Steve I like that analogy with the flower in a sand box and poor results, very true.
        Andy – yes we had a few battles over the last few days. We were driving and she asked if she could get a smoothie. I don’t know the area because they just moved there so I asked her to give me directions. I knew town was close by. She gave me directions that had me driving for many miles and I asked her why this was taking so long-we were close by town I thought. She didn’t say much, we got to the shop and she went in herself while I waited in the car-she had money her Mom had given her. When she came out she had two smoothies and said one was for her friend who was on our way back and could we drop it off. That’s why I had another battle with her because I realized why we had gone so much out of the way. If she would have asked me if she could I would not have had a problem with it but because she deceived me without being upfront with me I chewed her out about it. I am sorry to say I did stop at her friends house because it was on the way back and I should not have, I am mad at myself for doing that.

        1. Kat
          She’s a mean on that GD. She has zero respect for you, is using you as her toy to get her way, no mindful or having an conscience about how what she does you affects you. She simply does not care. She is selfish and manipulative.
          I simply would not babysit her again. I just wouldn’t. She’s abusive. Even though you are the grandparent that is not a right one has to abuse “because you’re family”.
          If you continue the relationship you must set firm boundaries. She cannot be trusted, as you know. Don’t ever doubt yourself, don’t minimize what’s she doing/done. Don’t shrink to this brat.
          What a nightmare. I feel for the parents.

    3. Kat,
      I know what you mean when you say you are afraid for her. I lived in fear since I was four. Learn everything you can from Dr. Simon’s books. Read them and re-read them. I’m still doing that and probably will always refresh my memory about lying and manipulating.
      Don’t second guess yourself. This kind of behavior is the beginning of worse behavior in them. You’re not wrong.
      Don’t over react anymore. Period. The manipulator absolutely loves that!!!
      Fear won’t fix this. Reading about Narcissism and Character Disorders and applying the strategies Dr. Simon talks about will. You may not fix them, they may not change but you will find peace, power and truth as you hold fast to the truth.
      I hope this comes across as encouraging because that is the spirit in which I write you!!!

      1. Lydia, absolutely I read your post as encouraging, and you reminded me of the importance of not giving her the satisfaction of getting upset. Being around her for four days made me realize how bad it has gotten. Thanks for the reminders, I needed that.

    4. kat
      May I ask how old the GD is? I find it alarming. And you are not overreacting. (See how we think when we’ve been manipulated for so long, doubting ourself?) That is not a joke. There is no punch line. She was toying with you and then laughing in your face about it. She played you then tried to turn it on you, saying it’s a joke. You can’t take a joke!. See how that works?
      I wouldn’t stay with her. She’s abusive to you and has no respect.

      1. Lucy,
        She is 16. She is very disrespectful and everything you said is right. The problem with the parents is my daughter being her Mom. My daughter was very much affected by her Dad, my ex – she was 10 when I left him. My GD learned from my daughter, although with the GD it seems to be worse. My daughters father was not around at all after I left – he lived in another state and he didn’t care anyways. So she had only my influence without him after 10 years old. I hear what you are saying about cutting ties, it is abusive. That’s really hard to do, I have thought about it with both of them but I just can’t bring myself to do it. This is the first time I have spent so much time with the GD for quite a while, and didn’t realize how bad its gotten.

        1. Kat, AndyD, Lucy, Lydia, Steve

          In no way am I justifying your GD behavior and it is character disordered. This is also a real difficult age teens, peer pressure, the morals and standards they are learning at home, friends, television, radio, hormones in chaos, so much flying at them.

          To play this kind of game is manipulative behavior and the more it is allowed to go one the worse she will get. These are still formative years where these behaviors need to be called out and stopped. If you are not getting cooperation from the parents and work as a team to confront in a caring way, the behavior will only prevail.

          I think there have been good response thus far objectively looking at many angles and there are many. Lessons such as being locked out because at this point you can’t take GD word about anything. Crying wolf is a dangerous game to play, truly the best medicine in many cases is learning the hard way.

          I understand the situation you are in, it is very sad to have to cut off ties. To loose a relationship that could be so beautiful and caring unfortunately is unhealthy and contrary for the ultimate well being of all involved. Many times what Lucy suggested is the only way to go if indeed the problems of character are so lacking in the rest of the family.

          Kat, you see the truth of the matter, ponder on it, pray on it, then determine what will in the end be best for you and the GD. Many times out of heartache and pain ones sees the error of their ways. Picking up the pieces for another only continues the behavioral problems.

          I am afraid of what the ending will be. Usually, a person with a CD will resent any authority and will dislike you have their number and see through them. I am afraid once your GD knows she can’t manipulate you she will not want to be around you. As for AndyD’s suggestion, how about next time she is in your company you are the keeper of the keys and go from there since she likes crying Wolf and explain the consequences to her.

          Also, let her have the choice when you take her home, the next time you spend time with her its her choice alone to act mature and respectful or you will have to treat her like the naughty child she is acting like or she can be treated as a responsible young lady. Give her a choice, a voice of how she can decide to be treated.

          I hoped this is of some help, I feel for you to be put in this kind of position. I know it is painful.

          1. BTOV, actually she currently does not want to be around me because I call her out on her stuff. The other grandparents have catered to her and buy her lots of stuff so she is good with them. She has had the choice to come spend the day with me many times she said she wanted to and then she never comes over so I quit asking her. My daughter knows of her behaviors and she calls her out on it, but then caters to her. She was supposed to have her phone taken away from her this past weekend but she still had a phone – it may not have been hers but she could do everything on it she wanted to so I call that not following thru with your word. That is what I see happening, talking tough but not following thru. I don’t see anything changing, I am going to talk to DD about these things but unfortunately I don’t foresee any changes. I pray about them a lot, I have no control whatsoever in this situation, other than my own decisions for myself. It is indeed painful which I know many others here understand that. Thanks BTOV, and hugs. I need to reread Character Disturbed, I know some of my reactions could have been much improved applying Dr. Simon’s knowledge.

          2. Kat,

            I think in this respect we are on the same wave length, this is a sign of the times. You have come an amazing way on your journey in life, it may come to a time, no matter how painful you may have to let go like Lucy suggested. I know how extremely alienating and painful this is as I have much of the same going on in my family.

            Above all we must hold the line of integrity and truth, no matter how painful that might be. In the end we may end up alone, know you have the prize, it is always a choice of those we love the most to choose one or the other, just as we had to choose.

            Just remember this dear sister, God never takes away from us, he always replaces it. We are all Kindred Spirits and connected in this chain of life. We are all in the end responsible for ourselves, others make their choices likewise.

            Prayer is powerful, which means we must pray longer and stronger, the answer is not in our hands the results we will see, ultimately rest in the fruit. we are able to only do so much, just know, we know, you are making every effort to bring life to fruition. It may take may hardships, painful lessons with which we have the answer to watch the loved one fail and fall flat on their face into the gutter. No matter how hard we must watch in patience and love, always in prayer for redemption.

            Trust always and HE will give you strength and the endurance to lead the way. It is always a choice the individual must make and their choice alone. I know you are lovingly doing and wanting the best for your family, many times this is all we can do and have to work with.

            Hugs, Kindred Spirit,
            Know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

          3. BTOV, your post brought tears to my eyes, thank you for those heartfelt words. It wasn’t as hard to separate myself from the Ex, after all his shenanigans it was relieving to get away. But my children who I poured all I had into, that is something else. I need Gods clear guidance and courage to do what is best, He has never steered me wrong. And its so true about walking in truth and integrity, it will always lead us where we need to be without regrets and undesirable consequences.

          4. Kat,
            I agree with BTOV, let your granddaughter come to you. My grandson is being “groomed” by his parents to love us less. 3 weeks in a row my generally independent grandson all of a sudden starts whining as we exit the driveway to go to our house. He starts saying “I miss my mom” over and over again.
            My 2 yr old granddaughter says nothing. I say to my them would you rather stay at home with mommy and not go to grandmas and grandpas? My granddaughter immediately says “I want to go to grandmas!”. Then I ask my grandson again…he says no I want to go to grandmas too! All whining stops and he’s back to normal.
            4th week picking up my grandkids, grandson starts whining in the foyer in front of mom. Mom says very fondly “Oh that’s so cute he’s whining!” ?????
            It is exactly how my daughter in law manipulates her parents and my son.
            When I ask my grandkids if they’d rather do the other thing I ask as though I’m completely not bothered either way. They always say they want to do what we do. When my son was about to get married he started abusing all 3 of us. Dad, mom and brother.
            One thing he kept saying was “are you going to help with this wedding or not mom?”. I kept saying help with what? Mothers in law should not interfere with the wedding of their sons bride.
            He would chastise me about that not being true, and then follow it up with “It’s not a competition mom”. ?????
            Ever since they got married you can see how the 2 of them plus her mom, dad and brother are all trying to compete with us. ABOUT EVERYTHING you can imagine.
            We let them come to us now. We don’t offer anything anymore. They used to chastise, agree, gladly accept and then complain or put us down and worse ignore us.
            Done with that. I’m thinking when the grandkids are both in school full time we’ll be virtually non-exsistent in their lives. Executed by my wonderful son and daughter in law.
            Last week her dad told me as I walked in their home to babysit, “I don’t know if you know this but your son is a dingbat”. This because my son thought it was his turn to get a sitter for an extra day. My daughter in law already asked her dad. I answered him back with “well I didn’t raise a dingbat, he started being this way a couple of years ago!”. He didn’t say anything back.
            While much of the last 5 yrs has been painful, I am ending the pain by applying the lessons of Dr. Simon’s books.
            My son actually offered to make us dinner tonight. Hopefully, without strings attached for his sake. Otherwise, HE’S in for a disappointment.
            I was abused and ignored since I was four yrs old by my mom and siblings and then my dad. I’m used to having a very small cirlce so to speak, so if my circle has to get smaller again by losing my son and grandkids and daughter in law I’m prepared. Wish it won’t end up that way but I’m ready.

          5. Kat,

            Early on, as your GD is still young, though 16, I believe life still gives her a chance, she could be mirroring what she’s been exposed to, I’m sorry for all this, no easy answers if there are any.

            Prayers, always.

          6. Lydia,
            I am glad you feel ready to cut ties if you have to. What a shame to brainwash the grandkids. I know what you are saying, my EX tried the same to our children against me, but I wasn’t aware it was going on until long after I had left, these things just seem to come out half hazardly because they have been brainwashed and don’t seem to question it. On one hand this stuff makes me so very angry, and on the other hand I know they will get whats coming to them and it won’t be pretty. I agree to let them come to you, even if they never do. Sounds like your son is getting the message that you are not going to be manipulated. I do need to re-read Dr. Simons book, Character Disturbance , I realize how off my responses were to GD. Acting like it doesn’t make a difference to you is self protection when dealing with them. I need to get better at this if I am going to be around them, especially the GD, she has a lot of tricks up her sleeve and right now I am willing to deal with it, but there may come a time when I am done.

      2. I know this post is old but in case anyone is still reading….,

        I watched my previously kind respectful daughter turn into this gd after being taught this behavior was completely acceptable by her gm & gf. They regularly rewarded her antics, minimizing & trivializing bad behavior, saying spoiling their gd is their job. They undermined my (single) parenting w/intent. It was like blood in the water to them when my daughter showed the signs of what seemed fairly typical teenage boundary pushing AT FIRST. I will never forgive them as it is child abuse. Like I said, they did it with intent acting as juvenile as the mean kids in a sandbox.

        My daughter went from a girl I truly liked to a person I am repulsed by who got drunk w/power as she learned how to control through toxic games & manipulation. Anyone who says “I was joking” or “you can’t take a joke” or any version of that response to an offense is a BIG sign of toxic behavior. My standard response is “jokes are supposed to be funny. If the joke hurts or only the jokester finds it funny, odds are, they are a toxic person”. I would say it like I had a light bulb moment & want to let them in on this clue about people. It disarms them leaving them unsure if you are suggesting they are toxic or not.

        Kat has normal healthy concern, reactions & insight into the situation with her gd. I hope setting firm boundaries w/consequences, which are best thought out prior to implementing, helps. You never want to bend in the face of this behavior. Don’t negotiate on much unless it is a circumstance YOU preplan, never during a time of exposing her games.

        Teenagers push boundaries & limitations as a normal developmental phase. It’s a bad time to lose your cool as an authority figure or disciplinarian. In reality even though it won’t appear like it, teens & children in general, feel safe, secure & loved w/clear boundaries, realistic consequences & limitations. Never second guess yourself.

        1. adreamare, Kat,

          You are right about GP, they can spoil and ruin a child. My GC are spoiled rotten by my DIL parents. The DIL continuously spend all their monies on gifts that are sold at the next rummage or broken. The DIL parents minimize, trivialize and excuse away all bad behavior.

          When I have corrected my GC they call the DIL parents and complain. My GC also look to me to be a gift horse like the DIL parents. If I don’t have gifts for them they don'[t want to come over and the only time I am invited is on birthdays or Christmas and giving times.

          What the DIL and her parent s do is tell the GC how wonderful and awesome they are. My son will work 10 hours a day and come home and mow the lawn while the children ages 13 and 17 sit on the couch and watch TV. I have posted in the past on this.

          All I can do is shake my head and refuse to give to all them, when it isn’t deserved. I don’t believe we should ever reward bad behavior.
          I know so many people who complain of the same problems with their families. Its really sad and scary to think this is the generation who will be making future decisions

          You are right, Kat has good insight, Kat, has also endured many hardships in life. Kat hasn’t posted for awhile and I pray she is well.

          I do understand how difficult is is watch all this is. Many times all we can do is take care of ourselves and work on building our character. I would encourage to read Dr. Simons series on Building Character. I have enclosed a link for you below.

          Take care and God Bless

          http://www.drgeorgesimon.com/the-ten-commandments-of-character/

  4. Disturbed character’s craft are rewarded instantly..a kind of “mental” shiver. They think it’s supernatural powers. The CBC has a smart youtube video called, Social Undermining.

  5. Kat
    I wouldn’t have it IN me to cut ties either but I dont think I could handle babysitting for four days. My daughter is no Angel but it’s a work in progress, having been brought up by an awful father.

  6. After being married most of my adult life and now divorced I’m coming to realize how many disingenuous people there are in the business world. Before the divorce I relied on the husband to do business dealings, buying large items, dealing with contractors, contracts. Now that I’m doing all things on my own I’ve come to find out how dishonest and cut-throat people can be. Honestly, I just hadn’t encountered it before. And the X being dishonest himself was easily able to pin other dishonest people.
    It’s been an ugly awakening. People who I trusted and was sure were there to help me I found had their own interests at heart to my detriment.
    Having read Dr. Simon’s articles and books I should by now know to cover all bases, to pick up on all cues, but that trusting nature that I had for so long is a hard one to break. People such as myself can really get taken advantage of unless we are constantly on guard, going against our nature.
    I’m thankful for those here who are of good heart and helpful, such as BOTV, Andy D, Kat, LisaO – just to name a few. Don’t be offended please if not mentioned.
    It’s a task to truly know how and when to trust, especially in business dealings. Frankly, in business dealings I just will not have “trust” but do whatever I need to do that protects myself and my own interests.

    1. Lucy, Joey

      Thank you for the kind compliment. I have had some many in life help me too and the only thing they asked of me was to pay forward. I am glad I was of help to you, you have helped me too. Its been a long 3 years. Many nice people on this blog helped me too and I appreciate all of them. Many times I wonder what has happened to them and pray they are all prosperous and happy.

      Miss you Joey and hope you have peace and happiness.

      I am sure glad you got through all this. I know for me everyone involved in the system took advantage of me. My doctor said ” It’s like raping the rape victim.” There was no mercy when it came to draining me and lying, I think many of us understand this all to well. I have to say I had excellent people in the med field.

      I am glad that part is behind me although I still have a lot to deal with. I realize how blessed I am when I see my friend half paralyzed in the hospital and realize how precious life is. If I lose my friend, it will leave an empty spot in me. At times I memorialize many who have come and gone in my life and realize these are some of my best memories. For the very CD ones I can find a place for them too, just like Kat opened her heart to her X. Not all memories are bad.

      I think in a world filled with such misery and chaos it is important to find the good. I am glad I can be with my friend and if he passes know I may have made it a little easier. We never know what the next moment may bring.

      Hugs and may your future be a happy one

    2. Lucy,
      I know in business dealings I have had to learn about things I never wanted to know about to try and avoid getting ripped off. I ask friends, acquaintances, business associates, etc. to see what they know on the subject to educate myself and then I am more prepared to make a decision. It can be time consuming. Google is great for researching, I grew up before computers were so accessible and what a difference it makes to be able to research online. Even then you can never be certain, you just do the best you can, do your homework and you will be ok.

      1. Kat, Lucy,

        So true. My washing machine stopped working and I called about getting it fixed. I called and the price quoted to fix it, I would better off fixing it.
        Talk about Google I found a You Tube where it explained if ones sounded like mine, it could easily be fixed. In short a friend order the $.98 cents part. It took me 3 hours to figure out how to take the machine apart. I struggled a lot and I fixed for .98 cents.

        Another thing happened, the bracket that holds the transmission stick in place. Come to find out it was a recall defect, I never got a notice and the time limit to have the factory replace was up. I took it to a dealership and the estimate to fix it was over $400.00.

        I talked with the friend that is in the hospital now and he sent me to the dealership to pickup the $18.00 part needed to fix it. My friend fixed it in 10 minutes. Talk about taking advantage of someone. My friend truly, a wonderful and kind person. I am blessed to have him. He has saved me thousands of dollars with his help. He was always watching out for me and is still worried about what I do, laying in a hospital bed. B

  7. Lydia,

    I’m sorry to hear about the — I’ll just call it what it is – abuse – by the DIL and son. That’s too bad. They have a well-intentioned, kind woman who is caring for their children, in the right way, and for some perverse reason distorting it and trying to make it ugly.
    You sound like you’re on the right track, are responding in an effective manner, have a healthy sense of yourself and what you deserve and are not being their doormat.
    I don’t think that grown adults behaving badly change. I believe they will, as my counselor told me, “behave” but that’s not a true change in character.
    I think although you’re in an unhealthy situation that you will come out of this ok. Dr. Simon’s books are a life saver, aren’t they?

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