Managing Anger and Aggression

Revisiting the 8th “Commandment” of Character

Last week, we took a break from discussing the “8th commandment” to take note of our blessings. But there’s much more to say about leaning to discipline our aggressive instincts. To be of good character we have achieve solid mastery over those instincts. And that also means we have to learn how to manage our anger. Most folks know anger and aggression are related. But we’ve been somewhat mislead by popular “anger management” models about just how they’re related.

Understanding Anger

Anger is a widely misunderstood emotion. Some have maligned it as an evil in itself. But it’s one of our most basic emotions.  Nature put it there for good reason. Our brain’s lymbic system is designed to have us become enraged or fearful in response to certain events. It’s part of our innate “fight-flight” survival mechanism. And specific physiological processes both precede and accompany these primal responses. We become riled to mobilize ourselves into action to remove a threat to our welfare. But just as being too frequently or intensely anxious can be problematic, being chronically or excessively angry can also cause trouble.

Managing Anger

Adam Sandler made a movie called Anger Management. The movie’s lead character has a problem. He represses his emotions, especially his anger. This causes him trouble in his relationships. He is inordinately deferential to his abusive boss. He is also overly inhibited with his girlfriend.  And this is all because he has mounds of pent-up anger he fears to release. Having suppressed it so long he’s even become unaware of just how full of rage he is. So his girlfriend arranges for an avant-garde therapist to wake him up to his problem. The therapist puts him in increasingly provocative situations and pushes him to the point he finally releases his pent-up rage. Then, he and the therapist get to work on teaching him to better “own” and discipline his angry feelings.

The movie is a slapstick comedy.  But it points out how destructive to relationships it is when someone inappropriately manages their angry feelings. Anger management programs are almost everywhere these days. And most of them operate on established principles of cognitive-behavioral psychology.  How we perceive events and think about things heavily influences not only how we feel but also how we respond. If I thinksomeone did something to purposely insult me, I’m likely to respond in a particular way. I’d respond much differently if I believed the person did something without malice but to which, for some reason, I took offense. So most programs encourage participants to challenge and change the ways they typically interpret various events in their lives.

Anger and Aggression

The programs I referenced earlier presuppose that anger precipitates aggression. And while that’s indeed sometimes true, things can also go the other way around. I’ve written extensively before about the various aggressive personalities. (Read the series beginning with Aggressive Personalities Pt. 1.) These are the folks who fight tenaciously and unscrupulously for the things they want. They aren’t typically driven by anger but rather by pure desire. And they’re frequently already in the aggressive mode of behavior long before they ever become angry. Generally speaking, when aggressive personalities become angry, it’s because they’ve encountered some resistance or have been denied something they’ve been fighting for.

Sometimes, when aggressive personalities brandish rage, they do so as more of a tactic to intimidate others into giving them what they want. And because they’re using a tactic as opposed to genuinely expressing an emotion, they don’t respond all that well to typical anger management interventions. They don’t need to learn to manage their angry feelings all that much. Rather, it’s their overly aggressive interpersonal style that needs attention and modification.

Crucial Self-Control

To observe and master the 8th commandment properly, we have to learn to manage both our anger and our aggression. And that’s a big part of achieving the kind of self-control we need to be a person of good character.  I’ll have more to say about this in next week’s concluding article on the “8th Commandment.”

Character Matters will be a live broadcast this coming Sunday at 7 pm Eastern (6pm Central) so I can take phone calls.

Lean much more about aggressive personalities and the essential “commandments” of sound character in my book Character Disturbance. And look for my upcoming book: The Ten Commandments of Character in the coming months.


32 thoughts on “Managing Anger and Aggression

  1. The CDN husband I’m trying to divorce fits the aggressive personality description. This is why I’m not gaining much headway in this so far two year ongoing divorce proceedings. And the dealings with him keep me angry.
    I wish I could regain years of my life spent with Mr Angry.
    I’m going to read up more on aggressive personality hopefully to gain more insight how to deal with his sorry ass till I can completely break away

    1. Dr. Simon,

      This is the exact description of many of CDN I have to deal with. I have found as you have described also, the unreasonable an most of the time unjustified entitlements. There also is as I have observed immense envy an jealousy that drives this rage and anger. I believe that this jealousy/envy comes from the fact they cannot/won’t and I believe the key factor in all this is Humility, to put in the effort to obtain the qualities/gifts they want that belongs to another.

      This inner rage/anger is constantly fueled and grows like a cancer that in time turns on them and destroys them.

      Lucy, he hates you and wants to destroy you because he wants what you have, that beautiful shining spirit of yours is one of your gifts whether you know it or not, guard your gift with all your might because your are going to see destruction like you never imagined. The more he can’t get to you and destroy your gifts the crazier it will get. The true evilness that consumes the CD will eventually implode.

      In the end you will have your gifts and if you can absorb the blows and integrate all of this into you in the right way you will walk away with another gift. I can only tell you, your strength of character will define and bring more beauty in you. You will grow ten fold, as you have grown from the first time you posted.

      Stay here and let us help you through this, you have given so much of yourself to others here. Stay strong sister!!

  2. Oh Boy did you just nail it BTOV – jealousy and envy seem to drive this rage intensely. My former CD friend who has serious hostility/anger issues became extremely hostile to me shortly after we moved into the house we bought. Initially she would protest and I mean over the top protest if I wanted to put something of mine somewhere. The shit storm was not worth the effort. So I compromised. After a while when I started making new friends her hostility intensified.

    If I put a lamp somewhere, she didn’t like she’d just turf it out in the yard. I found several of my things outside when they should have been under cover. She never asked me about any of it – I would just find them outside disguarded like rubbish. The message this would send me psychologically was “I am rubbish” It was really then I started to notice she was very disturbed. Something I had not noticed in her for a long time. I had noticed it before in her younger years but thought she was insecure then and had outgrown it since. How very wrong I was.

    One day I lost an umbrella of hers I borrowed, she was away at the time – OMG she sent me an email where she was wait for it “BOILING WITH RAGE” that I had lost her umbrella, then she proceeded to tell me of all the things I’d lost of hers over the years some things going back to 30 years ago that I can’t even remember. Nothing recent she could recall. Another thing was – was that I was with friends and had left it at their place. CD friend did not like or approve of my new friends (both of whom were very high functioning people). I bought her another umbrella but it was thrown at me during the gurney incident.

    Her ever mounting hositlity, petty jibes and projections were really becoming tiresome and draining. Then one day after coming home I found my gurney in the bin, it needed repair but was far from dead. When I asked her about it she turned into this hissing, spitting, volcano of pure rage and tried to throw me down the stairs. Why because I kept telling her to go look in the mirror. She kept accusing me of disrespecting her things like, WTF??? Trying to talk calmly to her was useless. She actually reminded me of Regan in The Exorcist and she looked just as bad. Before she attacked me she hurled the umbrella at me. After I pushed her off me I picked up the umbrella and threatened to shove it down her throat if she came near me again and very calmly said – I’ve had enough, this is the end of you and I. It was then I think the penny dropped and it occurred to me, it wasn’t so much the gurney or the umbrella – it was because I was with another friend. I had to pick up my car that was in the garage overnight for some work and asked another friend of mine to take me in to collect it. Her reaction to my question was totally unacceptable. That is when our 40 year friendship ended and I will never allow her back in my life again EVER in any capacity.

  3. Oh one other thing. It’s not the really the friends or the disrespect of my things – deep down she wanted what I had but could not get it. It had nothing to do with other things or other friends, she just silently wanted to destroy me because I had something she didn’t. Unconditional love and the ability to socialise and make new friends. She was a cold fish and wasn’t capable of that plus she was extremely paranoid and trusted nobody. Anybody new was scrutinized and judged.

    Jelousy and envy are two totally different things. Jealousy is coveting something you have where envy is wanting to totally destroy what you have so you can’t have it. She’s a sick sick woman. CD to the max. Why didn’t I see it sooner.

    1. Eudox

      Good thing you had no legal strings tying you to this woman, that when you made your mind up to leave you could leave and be free of her. Being Friends for that length of time and not seeing it, I can understand it. We say to ourselves “that was weird”, “what’s up with her today”, “she must having something going on that’s distressing her” blah blah blah blah.
      Having lived with her you saw her in all her glory. Time to say Bye Bye.
      That is interesting, the point of jealousy versus envy. My STBX (soon to be ex) envies me. He will never have my quality of life and has been degrading property and trying his best to take things I love from me, i.e., the truck that pulls my horse trailer, the ATV which I use at the country house, beds from the country house because “he isn’t running a bed and breakfast for my friends”. When I totaled my little truck, being hit at 50 MPH by a man running a red light, he would not voluntarily give me the title so that the insurance company could give me my check which would enable me to buy a new car. He actually thought I was undeserving of a vehicle. I had to take him to court to get the title. After 33 years of marriage and working full time 29 of it – I did not deserve a vehicle, because as he says, I contributed NOTHING. What a grand ass!!
      When the CDN don’t get their way, and we quit making excused for their bad behavior and call them out on it and quit being their door mat, then the unbridled ugly comes out. It’s quit disturbing, to say the least. Don’t give them their way and they become uglier ten-fold.

      1. Eudox, Lucy,

        I think one reason we don’t see right away is because we as a person tend to overlook and excuse things wanting to get along. Other times, we think that is one of their idiosyncrasies and being the good nature-ed individuals we are, we let it go. This type of CDN sneaks up on us like the blood sucking vampires they are, its done slowly, many times, over a course of years.

        1. BTOV, Lucy

          Yes they love trying to take the things you love most away from you. My ex CD friend tried to break up my animal family. She nearly succeeded then tried to keep one of my dogs – FAIL. Linda I did have money tied up in the place and without a contract as I trusted this bitch. However, I will get my money back it will just have to go to court. But believe me I intend to bring her unstuck while doing it. In a couple of weeks or so I’ll be armed to the teeth with knowledge about de-fanging these creatures and I intend doing just that. I am sick of them creating ruin and havoc in other peoples lives (mine included) and I intend fully exposing each and every one I come into contact with for all the world to see. Yes a lot of that in me is revenge for the wrongdoings but the saving grace here is that I believe and I honestly believe that as a survivor if one pops up into my midst it now becomes my duty to make sure they are exposed. Some my disagree with that and I don’t blame you whatsoever but it’s like I’m now on a mission.

          They are so vile , evil and full of hate and self loathing. They are more like infections. The bacteria gets in and unless it’s stopped it multiplies and then you have a very serious condition on your hands. Getting back to revenge, it is said that it’s also a bad emotional state to be in and we are bad etc if we want it. In some instances I would most certainly agree and I wouldn’t seek it for just any slight, however, on a case by case basis I don’t blame or judge anybody wanting revenge after one of these assholes just about guts them and tries to destroy their life for no other reason that it gives them such a good power rush. I think it’s quite healthy in this respect, much like there is healthy anger. I’ve just tagged another book
          Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself – Shahida Arabi – it has excellent reviews.

          I’ve also just been notified of delivery of Dr Simon’s books In Sheeps Clothing, Character Disturbance and How Did We Get Here. Will be picking those up today and buckling down later to In Sheeps Clothing. I have also noted many recommendations made by readers here and thank you.

          1. Eudox,

            Be very careful how you tread in this revenge mission as it can very well be turned on you. I would suggest you take some time to let things calm down. If you come across in the same light as she treated you, I can guarantee the CDN will turn tables. People that would otherwise, help you will think you are the one who is the problem or the both of you are at equal blame.

            What Dr. Simon has been teaching in his up coming book and the Commandments of Good Character is the opposite approach. I would suggest you go back and read this. I understand your anger and frustration and want to see everyone who has been treated badly by these CDN to receive justice.

            However, there are different ways to go about things, I am trying to direct you in the right way that doesn’t pull you down to their level, which is what they want. For instance swear all you want but do it in private, stop saying you want revenge, you are looking to recoup what is rightfully yours and I don’t blame you.

            I hate to say in many cases there will be no justice. I am not encouraging you to put aside your legal recourse, I am trying to am trying to point out how things could come back to bite you.

            I am sure others can chime in and give some direction too, please step back and listen. Take care and think about this before you act. Many times in a few days we will see things differently, try not to react on impulse.

  4. Eudox and BOTV

    As far as revenge, I see it as being able to fight back, to strike back, when we could not or would not previously, and now we want to so to speak “stand up” for ourselves, after the fact, after the damage is done. It’s hard to take being done wrong, treated badly and taken advantage of. I could not strike back the way I wanted because it did come back to bite me in him filing frivolous pleadings, of which I had to respond to, costing me money. And yes I know you can always ask for recoupment of those funds, but that comes at the end, and may or may not happen. So any time I did strike out it would most times come back to bite me.
    I have learned to think, when dealing with SB, how to think ahead, to think like he does, in his distorted evil game plan. I have to think of what he will do after I do something. It gets ridiculous but it is what I have to do. So abnormal.
    Like you, I don’t believe I’ll ever be taken again by a CDN, and I will call the person out on whatever it is they are trying to accomplish with me. It won’t happen again. Pollyanna died two years ago.
    Eudox, the anger is a hard one to deal with. I think it runs its natural course and at some point dissipates. Of course we are angry as we should be. No Contact sure helps. I can’t stand even SEEING his words because I can hear the sarcastic nasty voice behind them.
    My last outburst with the SB happened over two years ago and he has used it, in and out of court, to say that I’m crazy, and exaggerated the incident to saying I did criminal acts. He wrote things in court pleadings that were not true, embellishing on the blow-out we had. He hangs onto that outburst like his life depends on it. It was one day out of 33 years of marriage that I unleashed and told him what I thought of him. He had never seen, nor did I, the anger come from me due to the things I’d found out he’d done.
    So – this is just a warning, an extreme example, of what can happen when you aggressively call a CDN in out on something.

    1. Lucy,
      Hit nail on head!!!! Bingo!! Jackpot!!! You got it!!!!

      Sad to say we are reduced to this thinking. You are right on every point.. When you blew up that day, that is how the CDN is everyday, except they are a raging sewer spewing forth toxic slime and whatever you do, you don’t want to get burnt if you know the sparks are flying.

      I think this is one of the best posts I have ever read in long and there great ones here. I am glad you have come to see the light on I what I have been telling you.

      When you get their number you have gained big time.
      Big HUg

    2. Lucy – Yup indeed. I did the same with the CD ex friend. I let off like a volcano I just exploded one day but it was after I left the house. It was the day I went back to pick up my German Shepherd and she just pissed me off that much I exploded. It was just what she wanted. It won’t happen again. I had reached boiling point by that stage though. It was right when the other one had successfully split up my relationship. So I was full of it I tell you. I think I needed that release though. It had to come out somehow. By the time I was putting Ruby in the car she was full on up to her usual tactics and I thought NOPE no more, you’re not going to continue holding me to ransom and just let rip. LOL she was actually accusing me of stealing my own dog for f**((s sake!

      Anyway the lawyers will deal with her from here on in. As for the other one, I’ve used a totally different strategy. Once it had occured to me I was dealing with two very disordered characters I was not going to give the other one such a benefit. Honesty that realisation smashed me in the face like a Mac Truck.

      I am currently now reading In Sheep’s Clothing and I’ve already picked up on the differences between the two CDs in the periphery of my life. The one my ex friend who I bought the house with is a covert aggressive. The other one is an overt aggressive, at best a sadistic and at the worst case a predatory – I suspect the latter. This one actively seeks victims to exploit. Nasty and she is criminally minded where the other one isn’t.

      1. Eudox
        So you still have to deal with these people because of the house situation? Do you all run in the same social circle?
        I feel like these people are life snatchers. They are hard to get away from

        1. Lucy,

          No we don’t. The house situation they are nowhere where I am now and don’t come anywhere near my community so chances of even running into her are slim. The other one is local and it is a very small town. There is a major chance of running into her, however, it will be at the tavern if anywhere and there are plenty of people there who know what she is like. I have already told the manager about what is happening and that I have absolutely no intention of having anything to do with her. Because she got busted writing malicious grafitti on the toilet about me (that was so pathetic – a 45 year old woman) the entire town knows what a childish nasty piece of work she is. She’s been put on notice to keep well away from me. She made some attempts at trying to manipulate me earlier in the piece but it failed as I saw what she was up to. She is particularly dangerous though. She’s a predator, criminally minded and a stalker. I make every precaution to not allow my car to be unattended when she’s around anytime. I would go so far as to say she’s a fully fledged psychopath – quite a few people have come back to me with reports of her behavior and what she has done to them. She is known as the town psycho. Her visits to town are becoming less frequent though. But I will not be letting my guard down anytime soon.

  5. BTOV I hear what you are saying believe me. Don’t worry I have no intention of being reduced to her/their level. I suppose what I meant to say was turn the tables. My strength will come from aquiring the right tecniques to deal with them. Here is a good place to vent because I am in good company to do so.

    It just got back to me recently though that the other one I have had the misfortune of having met is highly dangerous. This is the one who broke up my relationship. I have spoken to another woman she has victimized and this woman told me the CD in question tried to run her off the road TWICE. Both times the CD was with her enabler – she only has one real friend and she’s as low functioning as the CD is but it’s obvious now that she is her enabler. At some point in the next couple of weeks due to the festive season we will both be at the same place at the same time as possibly both of the CDs. So I will be exercising extreme caution.

    I just picked up Dr Simon’s books – yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    And BTOV don’t worry I will continue to come here and post – I’m looking forward to reading the new books. You may only see me scantily but I will be around and please don’t worry – I will use extreme caution. I suppose the revenge thing is not so much about getting even it’s more important to set the record straight. That in itself is good enough revenge for me.

    1. Eudox,
      In the Bible it says: Vengeance is Mine Saith the Lord. If you notice what Lucy has said she stepped back and is making wise decisions not out of fear or vengeance or getting back she is doing because it is the right and moral thing to do for herself.

      When you engage in any way with the MN they will use anything and everything against you and will fabricate any lies they need to use against you. You can’t win playing their game, you stay in a protected spot when you disengage, you don’t play a game. One needs to use honesty and the truth, decency and courage.

      From my experience when the game is on with the CDN there is no using extreme caution around them. Your acting in a dignified moral stance at all times is the most protected place to be. As for myself regardless of the holidays, if you are taking on one of these vicious monsters the waters can become very treacherous in moments.

      Believe me Lucy is dealing with a maniac and I have had experience with their kind. I stear clear of them at all costs, even now they will plot together, siblings of mine to get even. Never underestimate them.

      The book you speak of by: Shahida Arabi as far as I am concerned should be tossed in the garbage. The world is full of opportunists willing to make a buck at the expense of another. If this were true, why isn’t the medical field reporting on this,?

      1. BTOV – how do you know it should be tossed in the bin if you haven’t read it? Aren’t you judging a book by it’s title? I have clarified my position on revenge. I am not on a revenge mission that’s your take on it. I thought I made that clear.

        I’ve had experience with their kind too believe me and I do believe I made a point on the wording of revenge. Turning the tables on them is akin to taking your power back and at some point I will set the record straight. That is the extent of my revenge, no more. I make a point of not giving into any of her subtle cues. I practice no contact with her and I do take precautions. I have no intention of directly confronting her. My mission is attaining knowledge and additional strategies to deal with these assholes when they are around and not allowing them in any way to put me in one down position ever again.

        I agree stepping back is wise move and I am doing what I do because it is a right and moral thing to do. If you think I’m going to go after her – no that is not my intention but like I said before I do intend arming myself with knowledge. I don’t lie, it’s not in my nature and I will not lie to protect a monster nor will I sit back and suck their shit up ever again. I know how they plot, I’ve had it happen to me. That is why forewarned is forearmed and I think all the information we can lay our hands on in an effort to protect ourselves is the right course of action. I won’t start anything but I will not accept abuse in any way shape or form ever again.

        1. Eudox,
          I not saying you will, I’m more concerned with them setting you up. I do think you should make yourself knowledgeable about the CDN. Keep reading this blog, it is full of knowledge and how people have dealt with the CDN in there life. I only want to see things work out well for you.

  6. Don’t worry I intend to. I’ve just finished reading In Sheep’s Clothing. Thankfully due to the weather being particularly miserable I didn’t do what I had intended to do today and used the time to read the book. Going through the strategies Dr Simon gives allowed me to see quite clearly the errors I made with the ex friend CD. I allowed a runaway train to happen. Since living with F the old guy I take care of he uses a lot of CD strategies but he’s not CD, he has Aspergers and I believe he picked up his manipulative traits from his abusive father. Compared to the others he unconsciously his CD tactics, not like a sword like the other 2. I am honing my strategies and have more to work with now.

    I appreciate your concern BTOV and believe me I am not going to place myself in danger.

    The ex friend CD is not the worry at the moment, its the other one. I believe she is a full blown psychopath. I know my own weaknesses, I am a self hacker remember. I started my own journey many years ago in order to not suffer from automatic behavior and allow maladaptive schemas to control me. We can all suffer a major blowout at times and since I started the work I’ve only had a few. I really lost my shit with the ex friend CD but I did learn from that. I saw how she used it against me. I saw how vile she was/is. I see with clarity now her husband is her enabler. I am not going to lose it with the other one who in my opinion is far more dangerous.

  7. Eudox,
    Glad to hear you understand and are reading Dr. Simons books, it is full of knowledge. The power you have is to sit and watch, not doing what the CDN expect and that is to engage. Every time you are successful in doing this you strengthen yourself because you are in control of your own feelings, you disarm them and they can’t manipulate you then.

  8. Dam it I just lost a post, when I hit send my modem cut out and I lost the whole lot! grrr

    Thanks for watching my back BTOV I can understand your concern now after re-reading my post. I refer to what Lucy said a couple of posts back, that is pretty well what I meant about revenge. To elaborate, once she receives the legal notice she will be enraged. This is when she’ll likely turn into Freddy Kruger. This is when I will be prepared for her and not wander into one of her manipulation traps. I have no intention of entering into any type of conversation with her, whether email or text message. This is when I will absolutely go NO CONTACT. In fact I won’t even read them, I will pass them straight onto my lawyer. I doubt she would confront me on my home turf. The lawyer is a friend of mine and he is going to come down for a couple of days to nut it all out. I will be fully briefing him in relation to what he is dealing with. I suspect a pretty swift settlement here. Her mother passed away recently and there is a shit storm over her will. It will get ugly – the lot of that family will be at each others throats plus the husband of the mother is involved also – they all hate each other. None of them can agree on anything and the entire family is dysfunctional. Ex CD friend is the most dysfunctional out of the lot of them. The last thing she’ll want is another legal matter on top of it – but of course it wont be her fault will it. Well I’m afraid it is, if she was able to do the right thing in the fist place it would all be settled by now, but no she chose the CD way. I have no intention of gifting her any amount of money which is quite substantial not talking about hundreds of thousands but substantial nonetheless.

    In lieu of me losing my last post I’ve had to cut it short. I’ve just heard there has been a very sudden passing of somebody in our community who was well liked. This is very sad indeed as he was only in his early 40s he had a sudden heart attack. It was over a week ago and I’ve only just found out today.

    I’ve been reading Character Disturbance, I’m really in awe of the work and dedication Dr Simon has put into this. Tried to get through Chapter 1 read but sleep came upon me. Will go back to it after dinner. I want to pose a question though, is it possible for someone who was once neurotic to become CD? My ex CD friend earlier in her life exhibited neurosis but she’s now swung the other way it seems. Very curios now.

    1. eudoxiajones,

      A good lawyer can smoke out these Freddy Krugers. Just that it will take time, and expect the burden of proof on yourself. She will do anything, lie, mislead, cry, anything that is short of something bad enough to send her to jail.

      A bad lawyer will go after your money. I think Lucy has the worst, a CD lawyer that she is trying to divorce.

      1. Andy,

        She admitted the debt. Not only did she admit the debt but she basically offered me another contract (there was no original contract) to state that – and this was her offer : If WE LOOSE MONEY THEN YOU LOOSE MONEY along the lines of DO YOU THINK THAT IS NOT FAIR?? Well I conditionally accepted on the condition that it works both ways (which she thought would not happen) and as property prices have gone up by 70% – well I think she’ll settle for my original investment. – all I want is my original investment back. Anything else will seriously unhinge her if she thinks she might lose.

        She has a fear based paradigm (or so I thought but she sure as hell acts that way??) but when her little perfect world is rocked she freaks out – then she gets desperate and lashes out like a maniac. That’s when her enabler walks away, because he can’t back her on any of it (the reality is to twisted by that stage) and wont other than shrug his shoulders say nothing and walk into the shed well away from her. Then she maligns him, creating more disturbance – I’ve watched it while living with them. Then he finally caves in after she stalks him to get him out of the shed, then while he’s trying to get ready to go to bed stating he doesn’t want to know what’s going on or anything about it, deflecting like it’s not his problem she just keeps at him. Then he bucks and goes to bed slamming the door. When she thinks the jig is up and suspects people are onto it, she minimizes it all then when she feels she’s safe enough she’ll go him again to the point everybody else leaves so as not to upset the apple cart.

        She’s a hysterical lunatic! And what’s worse is he puts up with it and pretends nothing is wrong the next day. I can’t deal with that psycho shit and she is going to suck him dry. He’s the one who earns the money and she calls the shots. She won’t even sleep in the same room as him, she won’t have sex with him, yet she talks about how sexy x,y, z is right in front of him and he just wears it. I have only seen this twice in my life and finally understand enablers (I think).

      2. God a CD is bad enough, a CD lawyer would be a nightmare on steroids. The ex CD friend is an appalling liar. Twists things to the point of not recognisable. (but that’s the other CD around here too) I thought originally she had a serious memory deficiency and an inability to accurately recall events. Then as time went by I thought she was mentally ill – personality disordered. I am a big proponent of The Ennegram it’s a personality typing system that I have found very useful in my own development and understanding others. I thought she was an unhealthy Type 6 and I did think at one stage she might be exhibiting signs of Paranoid PD.

        I now think she is definately CD – I am reading Character Disturbance now and it is really giving me a good deal of insight into the personalities described therein. There are very impressive correlations with Enneagram types. Quite a few psychologists and psychiatrists are now very familiar with this system. It was a psychiatrist I know who brought my attention to the fact ex CD friend and other family members of mine were gaslighting me and she told me to get out of the house immediately. I was already out by that stage then. I got to know her very well and she me when I was going to see her for hypnotherepy to quit smoking. We would often have long talks later about personality and consciousness etc. We had much in common and had read many of the same books, she was familiar with the enneagram. She was very worried about me after the events and I can clearly see why now. She doesn’t know about the other whamy that came up right behind it. I thought I was strong enough and could handle it but I wasn’t and fell apart. Getting much better now and this site has helped me in a huge way.

        1. Eudox,

          Learning about the different personality types certainly does give us better coping mechanisms when we understand what we are dealing with. You realize these CDs don’t make sense, they lie, they create chaos. My best advice was to try to do No Contact, which is difficult when going through a divorce because there are so many lingering issues to be dealt with (for the past two years SO FAR). I found any contact I have with the jackass never ends in a resolve of anything, just more chaos created by him. He likes to use fear and threats to get me to bend to give him way. These type people are so over-the-top in dealings that you cannot get anything accomplished with them, in fact, matters at times worsen.
          I think you’ll know quicker next time you encounter a CD type, you’ll see red flags and run the other direction. I know I will.
          I’m glad you’re doing well. It takes time. And you’ve helped me and your comments. A CD can turn a perfectly healthy person’s world upside down in no time.
          I’ll have to check out enneagram. I’ve never heard of it.
          Dr. Simon’s articles are a life saver, to me. I’ve learned so much this past year.

  9. Lucy

    LOL @ disbarred lawyer – you sort of half expect that of them don’t you. Sorry for laughing but that comes as no surprise at all. Just like the sun rises every morning. They can’t help themselves. Like a scorpion stinging things is in their nature. Guess he stung the wrong one and got caught.

    I hope for your sake this chapter ends sooner for you rather than later. I hope the lawyer you have is far better than SB. He’d have to be. But then again I wonder just how many lawyers are actually CD – I suppose a good deal of them much like politicians which come to think of them are lawyers anyway. Put it this way count your blessings Hillary Clinton didn’t get in. I neither support Trump nor oppose him and I’m not in the US, however, from the research I’ve done on her the Antichrist would be preferable to her. I’d love to see her brain patterns under an fMRI or PET scans under Dr. Hare’s testing. She’d come up a winner.

    What do you call 40,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

    A good start!

    Your posts of helped me too. Finding this place and you guys was a God send. It was like finding life support when I was in critical condition.

  10. Forgot to mention the Enneagram – it’s amazing. It was first introduced to the West by GI Gurdjieff who taught it in an esoteric manner. Gurdjeiff didn’t himself assign personality styles per say but he taught the imbalance of the centers – moving instinct (gut), emotional and mental (behavioral, emotional & cognitive functions). It was developed later by a guy called Oscar Ichazo into styles where he classified the imbalance of the centers, when our centers are not doing what they should be. One or sometimes two may be under utlized while others compensate for absence of or arrested development of another one/s. Gurdjieff referred to this as the scrambling of the centers. So there are 9 variations on how the person utilizes his/her centers and how they view the world and react to or respond to thier evironment. The Enneagram is also fluid, all styles in their direction of integration and disintegration go to another style. Later Risso and Hudson of The Enneagram Institute really did some impressive work and realized there was also another dimension to the enneagram. While there are 9 types there are also 9 levels of development within those types, 3 in healthy, 3 in average and 3 in unhealthy (unhealthy is where a person becomes pathological) <<< really bad I've been there. It was when I went through my first experience with a CD and before I did any self development work on myself, so I was in total ego fixation. Not a good place for my type we can become murderous. Thankfully I didn't murder anybody but I loathed what I had become and pulled myself out of it with study, self observation and dedication to improvement. I later found the Enneagram and it was like finding the missing link to who I really was. It revealed what Gurdgieff refers to as a person's Chief Feature – their primary construct which all other defense mechanisms (well in my case anyway) were formed around in order to maintain that construct. This was a big one for me.

    If you are still curious and I can highly recommend it. This is Dr Jerome Wagners site and it lists in summary (well as succinctly as humanly possible) of the styles.

    1. Wow. That’s pretty complex study. I don’t think I’m up for it at the moment
      As far as Hillary Clinton, I’m a strong supporter. She’s been a public servant most of her life and believes in helping the less fortunate rather than making corporations richer on the backs of workers. Trump is a narcissist as dr Simon has mentioned in an interview. Trump is selfish lying sexist bigot racist despicable man and a idiot who is daily putting our country at risk with his immature and crazy tweets. He’s a nut case. Trump scares the living daylight out of me.

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