Loving Relationships Grow Character

As inherently social creatures, we humans thrive on relationships. Even with all our brainpower and survival capacity, we’ve still always needed each other. Our ability to communicate, share ideas, and work together brings us safety, comfort, and prosperity. The character of our relationships, therefore, makes all the difference in our lives. And nothing is more conducive to our overall growth and well-being than a truly loving relationship.

Relationships in Character Disturbed Times

As I assert in my book Character Disturbance, we live in an age of widespread character dysfunction. That’s one of the main reasons relationships don’t do well or last very long. But there’s an interesting connection between character and relationship. You have to have some decency of character to make a relationship work. But there’s also nothing more powerfully character-building than a truly loving relationship. So, this poses a real conundrum. How do you become a better person in a relationship so devoid of character to start with that the relationship can’t be sustained?

Dr. Kathy Armistead and I wrote How Did We End Up Here? in large measure to answer the question posed above. People can and do change and grow in relationships. Loving, committed relationships make all the difference. But certain essential character qualities must be present from the beginning. Otherwise, folks can’t weather the inevitable storms that accompany all personal growth.

Judging Rightly The Willingness to Grow

We humans are inherently flawed creatures. We make mistakes. Sometimes we make those mistakes inadvertently. Sometimes we make them with our eyes wide open. How we respond to making those mistakes makes all the difference in the world. To learn from our mistakes we have to humbly admit them. And we have to commit to doing differently. When two people love each other, they forgive one another’s shortcomings. But heartbreaks result when someone in a relationship abuses their partner by repeating the same problem behaviors and inflicting the same injuries over and over again.

Some people think that merely loving someone can fix their ill health. That’s always a recipe for disaster.  Growing out of character ill health requires a sincere commitment to do better. You have to have conscience for that. And we measure commitment objectively by a person’s displayed attitude and behavior. I’ve written before about how to help judge when someone is really working to change and grow. (See, for example: Shame, Guilt, Regret, Remorse, and Contrition.)  (See also: What Real Contrition Looks Like.)  And in the coming weeks’ articles, I’ll provide some examples that illustrate when it’s wise and beneficial or folly to remain in a relationship plagued with character immaturity.

Character Matters

Character Matters will air live this Sunday June 4 at 7 pm EDT. (6 pm CDT, 4 pm PDT.) And, as always many thanks to all who’ve recommended my books and the articles on this blog to others.

 

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46 thoughts on “Loving Relationships Grow Character

  1. Hi Dr Simon. I learned about you from the show with Dr Northrop on Hayhouse. I have been listening to your archived shows and I am looking forward to your Sunday show. Thank you, I love your shows, am learning a lot and feel better about myself.

  2. “As I assert in my book Character Disturbance, we live in an age of widespread character dysfunction. That’s one of the main reasons relationships don’t do well or last very long.”

    I agree with this assertion. Could the unstable U.S. job market be another reason or cause? The incidence of unstable marriages and families seems to have increased considerably since lifelong jobs vanished in the U.S.

    1. In my opinion, unstable job market is just another source of strain to relationship. Such strains are test of strength of relationship, so chances of a weak relationship falling apart goes high.

      Linking employment to divorces will be bit more complex task. There may be correlation but it may be weak. Few points:
      – Uncertainty may actually temporarily force people to stay together, at least temporarily.
      – If unstable job market means churn. Then bit of churn is actually beneficial.
      – Unemployment is not really permanent. Even a high unemployment of 10% doesn’t mean that same 10% is unemployed for a long time. People move in and out of job, so a reasonably skilled person will always find something or the other.
      – There is cost of job security. Secure jobs pay less. And, people with less secure job get paid more, but then they should have senses to save bit more for rainy day.

      Character dysfunction should have much higher and direct correlation as well as causation to relationship breakup.
      A character deficient person is more likely to have zero saving to handle job loss, and he/she is more likely slack off and not look for another job after losing one. So, impact is higher, but again rooted in the deficient character of the person.

      1. Andy,

        I agree with you to a point. A churning job market can be a positive in some sectors — where people are bright, flexible and incomes high — among the cultural creatives and tekkies.

        But it is a different story in former manufacturing sectors, like Detroit, where that wouldn’t apply across the board. The layoffs took place among a population of individuals who had no entrepreneurial background, no capital and no access to loans to start new businesses. It was the perfect storm for them…the fallout has been immeasurable.

        What does it do to a whole class or culture when they are, more or less abandoned? Welfare programs seemed to be designed to keep people permanently disenfranchised and families without fathers?

        It’s a breeding ground for all kinds of psychological problems and the character disorders that usually accompany them..

  3. Loving Relationships Grow Character

    My Mother had a terminal Brain tumor when I left. She was try to get me arrested with my Brothers help, She was accusing me of stealing £100 from Her. The last thing She said to me was “FFFFing SHUT YOR MOUTH”
    I staid in her house for 46yrs. I loved my mother. The day I came to terms with the fact she could not careless for me and actually enjoyed hurting me.
    8 months later I moved into my own appartment. I have be no contact for 2yrs this tuesdaday 6th June. It should have been over 20yrs. I was 26 yrs old ehen she tryed to stab me. For leaving a spoon in the sink/drainer. I was about to start a good job as well which I turned away. I was so anxious. Was getting a bit of OCD as well. A need to swerve in traffic. I still have a bit of that sill I cannot use Motorways/freeways foe long trips still. I am getting better though.

    I am also learning a lot

    Cheers from the UK Dr Simon I am getting better

    1. Oh Joey, I am getting so pissed off with these human stains I truly am. The filth they are, they really deserve no pity and full wrath in every way. I decided to have a rant yesterday so I wrote my ex friend a letter. It was some rant, the letter is 12 pages long I would have to break no contact but am seriously considering it because that freak on legs needs to be told a thing or two. I know that everything that I say is going to wound it. It shits all over her “I’m perfect in every way I’m just like Mother Theresa” scenario because what I have to say is the hard core truth and Mother Theresa she most certainly is not. She’ll pitch a fit because they can’t handle the truth that’s like holding a mirror up to them or pushing a vampire out into the sun.

      You know what Joey, I’m going to push that vampire out into the sun.

      1. Eudox,

        Whatever, you do, Do not, I repeat DO NOT send the letter. Once one has gone NO CONTACT and the relationship is over, do we break the silence.

        No, it won’t , it won’t wound it. Once you set your boundaries with the CD, you never move them closer. As in war you hold the line. Let them try to come over, however, “You” never cross the boundaries you have set. Otherwise, we set ourselves up for drama and we become the trouble makers and believe me, whatever, you say will be construed negatively against you!!!!!!!!!!! Write it and then tear it up, burn it, whatever you do, don’t send it. If you do so, unfortunately, you will set a trap for yourself.

        I knew once I crossed the line, there was NO turning back. The sirens called, luring me, pleading and I knew within my being, it would be sheer lunacy to respond or look back. I will admit I do at times with sadness, but know, I absolutely, did the right thing.

        I have wanted so many times wanted to do the same thing. In the end, I knew it would be worthless and I would be setting myself up to look as bad as the CD. Many times, taking the high road is difficult. If you wait, taking the high road many rewards come. Going down to the low road to counter them will bring you down to their level, mind you, regardless, what you say it will be interpreted wrong.

        Eudox, you are a very smart and intelligent person, whom I admire, but this time I have to disagree with you. Please reconsider and
        Do not send the letter.

        Hugs to you Kindred Spirit

        1. BTOV I just responded to this twice, neither time it showed up – strange. I am not going to send it – don’t worry I was just venting! I know it would get nowhere but further trouble, these assholes have a real knack for twisting and distorting reality as specially other people’s reality. It’s like we actually live on the Mobius Strip and not Earth. They have algorithms for brains I swear!

          Blessing and huggz

          1. I seem to have lots to add to this post. However, this is a poem, ironically the creature read to to me once.

            What a queer bird, the frog are
            When he sit he stand (almost)
            When he walk he fly (almost)
            When he talk he cry (almost)
            He ain’t got no sense, hardly
            He ain’t got no tail, neither, hardly
            He sit on what he ain’t got hardly

          2. My response have been missing several times too… (I thought I was losing the plot again!)

  4. Martha Stout’s Sociopath Next Door Has a rule of three’s. It works for Narcissists as well

    If you read and understand her teaching. It is an extremely good philosophy in relationships

    1. Joey would you please re-post the link to the audio of that? I have a feeling it’s a must have on the bookshelf.

    2. Joey I’m now 5 hours into TSND thank you so much for sending the link again. It’s nice to have on while I am pottering around the house with the fire burning low doing my stuff. The weather here is cold and miserable, I’m high on a ridge overlooking a valley. I can’t see any of it at the moment we’ve been in cloud cover for days and this is expected to last all week. Perfect time to appreciate some fine knowledge.

      Thanks Joey

  5. When two people love each other, they forgive one another’s shortcomings. But heartbreaks result when someone in a relationship abuses their partner by repeating the same problem behaviors and inflicting the same injuries over and over again.

    This doesn’t just happen in marriage or with intimate sexual partners, it happens across all relationships. This is in pandemic proportions – the amount of people I meet who have or have had one or more of these abusers in their life if not several consecutively including myself, is seriously disturbing. The figures quoted in the DSM are a complete misnomer. I would argue it’s more like 35 – 40% of the population.

    Further when it comes to intimate relationships it is sickening how the abused apathetic partner continues to explain away his/her spouse’s abuse now matter how often their behavior is bought to their attention. It comes down to Dependant and Co-dependents doesn’t it. They should be on that spectrum too. In fact I’d go so far as to say NPD should be replaced with Co-Dependents, Dependants and Counter Dependents (Varknin goes into detail with them) and I know he’s right because I had the misfortune of living with one albeit briefly because I have no stomach for abuse and am neither Dependent nor Co-depenent. She’d sort of switch between overt and covert. If anybody triggers her and sometimes she triggers herself, that’s how deeply psychotic she is, watch out. She needs to be locked up.

    When I was looking at ex CD friend, she ticked all the boxes for PPD and most of the diagnostic criteria for NPD she’s not grandiose though. She also scored highly on the PCLR @ 26 that’s only 4 points off psychopath and I was very conservative in my scoring and to be on the safe side I am going to run it by someone who knows it equally as well as I do. Nice eh? Her partner has some stomach for abuse. Mother Theresa loves her ability to abuse others. She’s even proud of it, of that I am certain.

    I do not say this lightly when I say the next major war will be fought between CD and HSP/empaths and you know what the HSP will win. Why because we have souls and the spirit of God in us. It’s what gives us strength and courage. Attributes CD lack as they are total moral cowards. They are just black empty holes full of malice and menace.

  6. Just to add further to the above comment. I am not suggesting that all people who stay with CD are either co-dependents or dependents. I apologize if anyone was offended with my previous comment, no offense was intended. I know full well with the covert narcs the abuse can happen so covertly that their partners are completely confounded and grated down over many, many years. It is not my intention to suggest everyone who was in a 30 plus year relationship with one is co-dependent. To come out of that would be the most harrowing of experiences and I can only just imagine. I give you guys kudos for having the stamina, loyalty and endurance for the sake of love and you gave it your best shot. You are amazing each and every one of you and I sincerely hope with all my heart you all reach healing and find someone again who will bring joy to your lives.

    I have just never been a person who was easily manipulated, I just buck. But I have been and it’s been the coverts who have pulled it off. I knew my best friend for 40 years, but under the same roof with her for less than 2 years and I’ll never give it the time of day ever again. She’s toast.

    Joey – you are really amazing. Having endured what you went though. You were loyal to the end and don’t let anybody try to tell you otherwise. You did your very best and it is all we can ever do. None of us can ever do more than our best.

    Like you guys I have my moments to, I can still get really angry and other times I’m really lay back and care free and bullet proof. But none of us are really bullet proof. But at least we now know what the hell to look out for and I’m pretty on the ball these days. My mantra now is “take no prisoners”. Anybody I detect is using little digs, looks of disinterest, cut’s me off in conversations, changes the subject and generally is necrophilic and I just get up and leave. Guys they have this flat tone about them, and they distinctly lack LIFE as we know it. It’s like they are surreal. I will not be bothered with them again and I don’t care if they are CD or not. Just having CD traits is enough to send me off to greener pastures.

    Bright blessings and huggz to all!

    1. I feel more like a sucker. Others woke up sooner than I did. She took a hell of alot from me. She almost managed to control and manipulate me to the very end. She lasted just 1 yr, after I left. She was A life leach. I have lost a massive amount, including almost every memory I have when I was a child. The only truthful memory I have is the abuse. The kindness and Gifts were just manipulations.

      1. Joey,
        I’m so sorry for you. I’m hoping that the life you are having now is bringing you some peace and joy. Some people are just not fit to be a mother/father. Too bad someone did not step in for you to help you out. All you can do now is live your life, focusing on the present. When my mind goes into thinking about events that have happened, I try to stop it and say to myself but that is not happening at this moment. That is over. Focus on what is happening now. I wish I could live in the moment every day. What a freeing mind I would have. It’s so full of JUNK.

        1. I lived that life for to long. My life is particularly damaged because of this.
          I failed to achive any training or skills inorder to earn a good salary. This is wear my THE MOTHER EARNS THE TITLE LIFE LEACH.
          She lived off my back and out of my pockets, her mother was the same. My job in life was to love and care for them. Just that to love and care for them. I live pritty much hand to mouth. I am always if I lost my Job, 6 weeks from being homeless. When I left, I left. I am alone in life, for me there is no saftey net.
          I have said this before, CD’s are a different Species of human

          1. Joey,
            I am sorry your parents treated you this way. My childhood was not good either and I left. Being brought up rather naive I was perfect candy for the CD to prey on. Well I have learned a lot and if I can will never be used again by these filth. Late in life but at least I know and have my freedom. I am glad you found Dr.’s site, you have made this blog all the better because of your input and camaraderie.

            You have made me smile when I felt I hadn’t any smiles left. You have shared your story, wisdom, insight and information to help others, they didn’t destroy you. You survived, the authentic you and that is a beautiful thing, far more than many have.

            You belong to our family here and never forget that. Some come and go, some stay for a short time and many stay for awhile and then some stay for a very long time.

            Hugs, Kindred Spirit and may your life be blessed.

      2. joey,

        You were unlucky to be born in middle of selfish manipulators. So, you had least idea about what normal is, and if other people in the house were off the mark. You were at disadvantage.
        But, given that disadvantage, you did manage to come out, and that is an achievement.

        Thinking of this, my daughter is middle of bunch of selfish manipulator. I probably need to fight for many years to get some reasonable amount of access.

    2. Eudoxia
      You’ve filtered out people who don’t enhance your time, your life, and you do it quickly. I’d like to reach that point. I am more sensitive to those traits now but don’t have the spunk as you do to just walk away pronto. I’m going to work on that.
      BOTV, I understand where you’re coming from in saying don’t send the letter, because it does stir it up again. My mother used to say “Let a sleeping dog lie.” There is much to be said about that.
      Joey, I feel for you going through what you have with – of all people – your mother and grandmother. They are the ones we need the most love from, so I can see why it was such an intensely distorted way of living with those two. And I guess you don’t realize how bad the conditions are till you step away and realize how abnormal it is and how negatively it affects your being.
      Andy, you have such good sense about you and a good attitude but I’m sure you have days, probably lots of them, where it’s overwhelming and hurtful, dealing with the SB and your children living with her. That’s a tough load to carry. I see it in court all the time and I just hope that through your court trial you end up with physical custody.
      Jean, hey, you’ll heal. You’re on your way. You just have to believe the X is no good for you, that you can’t believe his words. He serves no useful, no good purpose for you. In reading some works on Buddihism, I’ve learned that our thoughts of the past and what our future may be are only that, thoughts, not reality, as she explained, more like a hallucination. I always come back to that thought whenever my mind starts going there, that my mind is hallulcinating, it’s not real, it’s not what is in front of me, it’s a thought that is getting carried away.

      1. Lucy you just keep in “the moment” that’s the key. Staying present – I call it broad daylight awareness (BDA). We can’t change the past, and we can’t determine the future and that’s it. If we go in either direction backwards or forwards we are going the wrong way! Many people spend too much time regretting the past and worrying about the future. They miss the treasures that are present with us in the moment.

        Stay connected, look around; watch people, trees, things anything. Do it 24/7 that way we stay anchored in the now. I don’t miss much, and if I catch myself slipping away I bring my attention back into the present by noticing the color of the shirt or skirt the guy or gal is wearing walking directly in front of me. Notice anything at all and you stay in the NOW. Ask anybody else what was the color of the skirt bla bla and I’ll guarantee you they wont be able to answer that question – true. That’s how asleep people are, they are totally unconscious! To absorbed in everything else but the present moment. Lucy I’ve been practicing BDA for years and when it becomes habit you will be astounded at how many people are asleep. This is what GI Gurdjieff refers to as “the terror of the situation” When we realise we are surrounded by zombies we understand the terror of the situation.

        Psychos have a way of derailing our presence. I think it’s part of their MO. It’s how they pull off their gaslighting so efficiently. If you are really present they can’t do it – well as efficiently anyway. Stuff them! Stay present and take no prisoners :-

          1. BTOV

            I have learned a great many things from this man – he is my greatest mentor G and Ouspensky, and Salzmann. He is truly incredible. He acquired his knowledge from a little known mystical order known as the Sarmong Brotherhood (Sufi order) in Persia in the late 19th century where he befriended a Russian Prince. Gurdjieff well understood the scrambling of the centers. It’s what helped me get my machine in order :- He wrote a book, Beezelbub’s Tales to His Grandson – don’t let the title fool you. This book is very well worn and the front cover is missing LOL that’s because of use. I spent years practicing awareness (I call it broad daylight awareness) and The Forth Way. The below is from the forward about the book:

            ALL AND EVERYTHING

            First Series: Three books under the title of “An Objectively Impartial Criticism of the life of Man” or “Beelzebub’s Tales to His Grandson”

            Second Series: Three books under the common title “Meetings with Remarkable Men”

            Third Series: Four books under the common title of “Life is Real Only Then, When “I Am'”

            All written according to new principles of logical reasoning and strictly directed towards the solution of the following three cardinal problems:

            FIRST SERIES: To destroy,mercilessly, without any compromises whatsoever, in the mentation and feelings of the reader, the beliefs and views, by centuries rooted in him, about everything existing in the world.

            SECOND SERIES: To acquaint the reader with the material required for a new creation and to prove the soundness and good quality of it.

            THIRD SERIES: To assist in the arising, in the mentation and in the feeling of the reader, of a veritable, non-fantastic representation not of that illusory world which he now perceives, but of the world existing in realty.

            Another particularly excellent book is Jeanne de Salzmann “The Reality of Being” The Forth Way of GI Gurdjieff”. I dedicated about 6 years to this study and self observation and it profoundly changed my life and bought me into contact with my essence. I am no longer a biological machine, in a state of wakeful sleep. This state is the biggest cause of all psychological disturbance (not including CD and other more serious conditions). I do not consider myself neurotic but I was before I did the work and therefore I have demonstrated behavior before and after as a way to measure the difference and the difference is HUGE. This rules out belief because it simply just IS by applied effort.

        1. I need to try those tactics. I find my mind wandering so often that I miss out on the present. Thanks for the tips.

          1. Lucy – here’s a couple of more tips for staying present. Grab yourself two books. Tara Bennett Goleman Emotional Alchemy How the Mind Can Heal the Heart and Eckert Toll – The Power of Now. These books changed my life. By the time you are finished those two staying present won’t be a problem. I recommend them to everybody.

            Our minds have been trained to wander you could also say they are infected with a parasite of sorts (Castaneda). When we are under attack by CD this is particularly prevalent because of the gaslighting affect.

          2. Eudox, Lucy,

            I have been watching the You Tubes with G I Guarjieff, what I have gleaned so far is how we are filled with useless chatter to keep us out of touch with what is going on in the world, right in front of our eyes. He explains how and why this happens and also at the same time explains the behaviors of ones who get stuck in this mindless chatter.

            I want my mind to shut up so I can concentrate on what is necessary. I don’t doubt he will get into the subtle and subliminal brainwashing that is done by the controllers of this world. Thank you for the excellent resources to explore.

            I also resent and denounce be labeled by the medical society as neurotic. I may have a good amount of empathy and am a highly sensitive person to the needs of others but that in no way warrants a psych diagnosis of neurotic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

            Really, once we realize and understand the brainwashing and Mind F——ing that is taking place. The world takes on a whole different light, the shades are lifted and its bright and sunny, and you see the decrepit decay and deceit. The beauty is, the clarity in ones being.

            Blessings kindred Spirit

      2. Lucy,

        This is such a great post, Thank you. There are many good modalities we can use to help us with mindfulness and meditation in Buddhism/Hinduism. The past is the past , and the future may only be that, thoughts, not reality. Yes, you are right, it is like we are hallucinating, because it truly isn’t real. Its what is what is in front of us that is the here and now.

        It becomes a whole new way of life and how to live it. We can experience more peace. We are the captains of our souls and also Not letting those negative thoughts take us captive.

        I am so glad you are at a sincere peace within before the Bonfire. I was too, at the end I cried for what was lost, admittedly, have looked back at times and thought “what if?” What if’s and looking back keep me stuck, now I look back and think, so, this chapter of my life has closed, many things should be left behind and not revisited.

        If anything, I try to think of the good times and gleam the from the adverse times a way to learn and be a better person. Lucy, I do believe I will find another too, staying home won’t help. I need to be proactive and in time I will find that special someone.

        Love the positive post!

  7. Joey I don’t believe for a minute you were a sucker. You were predated upon by a very intelligent inter species predator. So was I but my daughter. She did to me, not for the time your mother did to you, but she did a lot of damage and I hold her responsible for my own mother’s death sooner than it would probably had come. I believe my mother died of a broken heart. My best friend was complicit. This was due to a lie. A vicious lie told by my own daughter.

    This condition runs so deep and has been for thousands of years. Seriously. These creatures go back before recorded history and are shown on cave paintings. I am not usually up at this hour. In fact usually long in bed by now it’s 12.30am my time. I’ve been listening to something so profound it’s kept me up and I am now into part 2 it’s just over one hour long. Would you please take the time to listen to it. I would like everybody on this blog to take the time to listen to in including you Dr Simon. This is really what I believe is going on and it is really time we did something about it.

    This is really important and it could never be more pressing as it is today.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QKKQ0GWP_g

  8. One more thing Joey – for a good long while I wondered how my own daughter could become a CD after going to a workshop?? What a fool I was. She didn’t become one because of a workshop she was one all along. I just missed it. The signs were there for years prior. I just thought she was bitter about something. Well F^^&% me was she! Mum sensed it to and even between us we could not quite figure it out. Suddenly post 2010 it seemed she hated both of us. We were both targeted for annihilation.

    Don’t worry you are not the only one who thinks you are a sucker. And Joey we weren’t – they are just wolves in sheep’s clothing. Nothing new to anybody here hey?

    Hugz

    1. This is why when I say THE MOTHER,THE FATHER. It is the badges these creature wear. We as their closest and see them as that. It helps them hide from us, who they truly are. We find out always when it is to late.

  9. I have been married for 16yrs and dated for 5yrs before marriage. I have just realized that my husband is a CN. I always felt he was emotionally immature and passive aggressive. I just felt that I could help him improve. We have 3 children together (aged 15, 12 and 10). I am having a hard time trying to figure out where in the spectrum my husband lies. He is not at the far end but because of this it almost seems worse as it gives one hope that perhaps shouldnt exist. I am not prepared mentally or financially to leave. I live in a foreign country (my husbands country) and have no family here. The divorce laws are archaic and it is a long, expensive endeavor. Am trying to cope by reading books on the subject…just ordered all of Dr Simons. I am so grateful for finding this. What Dr Simon says makes so much sense. I am learning to be nonreactive and keeping my thoughts/feelings away from my husband (where usually I would be straightforward). My husband makes a great salary but always pressured me to put my salary into our joint acct. I have started to save my own money and quietly make my exit plan. Im in this fight for my life but it will take a while. I have to be strategic. So far I take the brunt of my husbands abuse. I have been an excellent source of supply that he hasnt involved our children. He has been unfaithful more than once in the last 7yrs. At times it is devastating to know how little my husband cares. I am trying to focus on my children but find I am lonely. I do tell myself to have patience and to focus on my future. This helps me relax. I know I will be the same awesome person only happier but he will never change

    1. Patti – welcome it is unfortunate you have found your way here but it is a God send you found it and our little group. Glad you have ordered the docs books that is very important they are comprehensive. The reason I say it is unfortunate you are here is because there is only one circumstance that brings us here and is what brought us all here. You will find comfort, strength and support here. We have all been through the mill. Many of us are now out the other side and a few are still in the pot.

      You are in a very dangerous situation and you need to tread vary carefully. Patti this is very important – under no circumstances let on you are onto him. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES LET ON YOU ARE ONTO HIM. I apologise for the capped repeat – but this message needs to stick. Until you work out what type of CD he is assume you are married to a psychopath.

      You are probably dealing with a covert and unfortunately they are the worst kind. Their abuse is more sublte. You need many strategies in order to deal with him. The docs books are an excellent source, ensure he never finds them once you have them. It is also important to always clear your history from the internet. If you start to change and start to fortify your boundaries he will know there is something going on. The books I mentioned before to Lucy Emotional Alchemy and the Power of Now are fairly safe to have around and a good idea for two very good reasons. One they will empower you and you will be able to train your mind to stay present. You will also be able to identify any blind spots you have which if unchecked will be used against you by him. They have a canny way of knowing our blind spots we may not be aware of. Secondly if they are lying around you can simply say you are working on yourself as you have been too reactive and you don’t like being this way or anything else along those lines. These books will teach you how to respond and NOT REACT. CD are experts at whipping up and provoking reactions from us – that is how they get supply. Learn how to control yourself first and foremost. In all honesty any books that empower you are probably best kept out of sight of CD they will USE EVERYTHING AGAINST YOU. It’s their perverted impulse to control you. They are masters of provoking you into being whatever they want you to be at the time. They are sick, twisted demons in human flesh.

      As long as he thinks you think YOU are the one who has the problem you are are a quite a bit safer though. I will never say you are safe. Don’t for one minute think you are, they are the most destructive force on this planet and they are in pandemic proportions.

      If he thinks you are onto him he is capable of turning your entire family and group of friends against you. They are diabolical and evil to the core. It is also better if you speak to nobody. NOBODY and I will repeat NOBODY will understand what you are going through unless they have gone through it themselves. If they have and are empaths they will help you. The CD are capable of getting us to self sabotage. Trust nobody, because the CD have ways of manipulating others to extract information.

      It is important you keep it farily well to business as usual at the moment. Don’t change your routine too much just hit the books and educate yourself. Knowledge will empower you. We have an excellent support group here. There are many here who have endured great trials and tribulations with CD. We know all their tricks. It’s important to stay connected to those who are able to provide that support, safety and comfort because this mess you are in is seriously distressing and debilitating.

      I also highly recommend you research and look up projection identification. This is a favored strategy used by them in order to get us into “melt down” mode so they can call us crazy. Don’t let this happen. They are vile creatures, real low life scum. They do not get better, they will not ever admit to them having any problems at all. In the world of black insanity of the CD they are shining moral pillars of society and they can do no wrong. They are the greatest hypocrites God never put breath into – they are oxygen thieves. They are exemplary liars and can lie without effort under any and all circumstances.

      There is something else I would seriously recommend and that’s to get across and understand narcissistic supply and injury. Google Sam Varknin Narcissitic Supply and Injury. Learn all about this. The CD are addicted to supply, it is like a drug to them. They do not respect boundaries, they are the greatest boundary smashers ever. They will stomp all over them without any regard for you. They only see you as an extension of themselves in their twisted world they see you as either supplying or frustrating them in getting their needs met. IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT THEM. They get their best form of supply when they provoke a reaction out of you. Learn strategies to ensure you respond in a way that is natural to you and not react in a way the CD wants you to act. Tara Bennett Goleman’s book will help you identify your own ego defense mechanisms hence your blind spots/triggers. Once you have this under control it’s difficult for the CD to manipulate you. It’s what saved me when I was under attack. I only literally “lost my shit” once and it was due to projection identification. Like I said previously the CD know your blind spots. It’s important you know them too – we all have them.

      Like Joey says F**^^% them! But play it cool and keep safe you will build your confidence and gain clarity as time goes by. Above all keep learning and learn how to fortify your boundaries. This is paramount it allows you to hold your ground during their onslaughts. Build your confidence and gain strength. I’ve included a UTube clip by Joanna Kujath about identifying covert narcissists to help you identify him while you are waiting on Dr Simon’s books – these are paramount! He goes into great detail. You can watch endless UTubes by people who know their stuff. But the docs books are pure gold. They are a necessity.

      They literally suck out our life force – they are soul killers. Be aware, be alert, and be safe! You have friends here Pattie.

      May the force be with you!
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5Reykp6-1c

    2. Patti,
      You do need to be strategic. First of all protect what is yours and only then start putting boundaries. You never know how deep malfunction goes, and at what point things really get beyond recovery.

  10. Btov/Eudoxia/Lucy

    Makes you think does’nt it

    Destined To Fly

    By Ashley Hyder

    I remember the day we met
    Too young to see the danger
    I didn’t know the devil you were
    That you’d fill me with so much anger

    At first you gave me comfort
    Numbed me from the pain
    But the light you gave me faded
    Brought blackness to my veins

    Your trap worked as always
    I am not the only one to fall
    So many friends forever gone now
    No one’s left to call

    Dragged me to rock bottom
    Each day a life in hell anew
    Felt there was no possibility
    Of breaking this dependence on you

    Every day I woke
    With only you on my mind
    Desperate for your love
    More desperate for you to die

    Through time I saw you were evil
    I watched you steal my soul
    Each time I tried to get away
    You would not let me go

    Tried to scream and cry
    Eventually accepted my fate
    Everyone had tried to warn me
    And now it was too late

    Family and friends could never understand
    Couldn’t hear my silent plea
    They did not want to see
    The sick effect you had on me

    You locked me in a cell
    You made me freeze at night
    Made me deceive those I loved
    Made me live in constant fright

    Left broken, battered, and bruised
    My number of scars grew
    Both physical and mental
    While the number of wasted years flew

    Went through the motions like a zombie
    No longer did I see
    Any type of future
    In this world for me

    You erased any shred of hope
    When everyone turned their backs
    Difficult to escape this dark hole and cope
    Impossible to defend against your attacks

    I knew no church, no God
    YOU, my ultimate power
    No way to know real love
    I was now a rotted, dead flower

    Then one day it happened
    Most amazing hope one moment brings
    And I decided then and there
    That I would grow my wings

    No longer will you take from me
    Like you have stolen all these years
    You will never take my life
    No longer will I cry these tears

    I will deal with the pain
    I will swallow all my pride
    I will deal with my life of rubble
    I’m prepared for this difficult ride

    If it kills me to leave you
    Then I will gladly die
    Because with you I’m only surviving
    And I have been destined to fly

    I will soar, laugh, and smile
    Will breathe my life once more
    I will go back to a time
    Before you came knocking at my door

    Joey

    1. Joey,
      That is, well, I don’t know how to describe it, other than every word has been my last 20 years. This poem made me cry. I see myself totally in this poem, as I’m sure many others will. It’s my life, my pain, my battle but in words… and I dearly hope the last verse with come true. Thank you Joey for sharing this. X

    2. Thank you Joey, beautiful poem. When we listen to poems like this and hear songs about peoples pain it is clear they are writing about CD. It shows how rampant it is doesn’t it? I’m yet to check out that song your previously sent but I intend to do just that.

      If it kills me to leave you
      Then I will gladly die
      Because with you I’m only surviving
      And I have been destined to fly

      I will soar, laugh, and smile
      Will breathe my life once more
      I will go back to a time
      Before you came knocking at my door

      Yes WE ARE DESTINED TO FLY. You know Joey oddly I was just thinking about that yesterday. I live high on a hill and I saw two huge Wedge Tailed eagles souring on the thermals – I watched them for about 20 minutes and it made me feel ever grateful for being alive. The CD will never experience that. They would just snort and walk away thinking we are so trivial and simple by being amused by such petty things. That shows their disconnect to life itself. We are amazing each and every one of us (non CDs) and nobody will every again tell us we are not! Sorry for speaking for everybody but I feel comfortable about doing it in this instance -smile-

      You and the others here have been a wonderful source of comfort and solace you will always have a special place in my heart.

      Many bright blessings to you my friend…………..

      1. My special SB did not enjoy or appreciate or even notice the beauty of this Earth. You are so right about that.

  11. To All,

    Topic Loving Relationships Grow in Character.

    Wow, we are having some wonderful posts of wisdom and goodwill. It’s nice to know we have have a welcoming community of validations and acceptance.

    I came across this blog and think this woman covers how we can heal, I feel her authenticity as a Kindred Spirit. Below is the link to on of her youtubes. I have been watching her youtubes and they have been of great help to me and hope you can find a topic that will help you also. She also has a blog with great articles too.

    I thought this the appropriate topic to share and thank all of you for being You!

    Hugs and blessings to all you Kindred Spirits

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyZ5a4zAxps

    1. BTOV I’ll vouch for Jenner Ryan she’s a legend! All these guys are great. Jenna’s Little Digs and Flying Monkeys is spot on too! Many of them are brilliant!

      I’ve watched probably 100s of hours of these guys. You need to core stuff, but these ones are the pick me ups! They not only pick you up they kick you right out of that abuse hole!

      Bright Blessings to you sister sunshine!

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