Entitlement Impedes Generosity and Civility
We live in an age of unprecedented entitlement. We have so much. As a result, we’ve come to expect a lot. And we tend to take what we have for granted. We too easily feel like we’re owed things. But the truth is that we’re not truly entitled to a single breath we draw. Life is a gift. Mature, healthy characters understand this. And in their reverence for this gift, they feel a deep sense of obligation. We need to appreciate how truly fortunate we are. Only then can we feel compelled to be generous, civil, and loving with others.
How Disturbed Characters Went Wrong
As I mentioned in earlier posts, we all start out in life self-centered and narcissistic. (See: Character’s First Commandment: It’s Not All about You.) (See also: Mindfulness through Empathy.) We think the world revolves around us. And we think of others as not only as extensions of ourselves but also as entities existing solely to serve our desires. To develop integrity of character, we have to overcome our inherent narcissism. We truly have to outgrow it. Unfortunately, far too many among us these days become significantly stunted in this growth. Elements of our culture not only impede our character growth but actually encourage character retardation. And that’s partly because these same elements promote attitudes of entitlement.
We live in an exhibitionistic, self-aggrandizing, and self-indulgent society. It’s also a largely everyone for himself or herself society. It’s hard to become a conscientious, obligated, civil, and generous person in such an environment. On top of that, some young persons also experience depravity of one type or another. This leaves them feeling unfairly denied, angry, and covetous. It’s hard to feel that way and simultaneously feel inclined to treat others in a civil and generous manner. Both over-indulgence and deprivation can lead to attitudes of entitlement.
Heeding the “Commandment”
We don’t have to be rightly inclined to heed the “9th Commandment” of sound character. We just have to do it. And we have to do it frequently. We simply must do our best to be generous with our time, efforts, etc. and to be civil in our relations. And we must do this even when we don’t feel particularly eager. Sometimes, we even have to “fake it ’til we make it.” Sure, we have to set limits. Disturbed characters will test our willingness to be civil and generous. But we can take good care of ourselves while simultaneously behaving toward others as we would have them behave toward us.
Tidbits
Next week, we’ll begin discussing the “10th Commandment” of sound character. And I’ll be presenting workshops in three California venues. Check out the schedule on the Seminars page.
Character Matters will be broadcast live this Sunday at 7 pm Eastern on UCY.TV. I can take your phone calls at (718) 717-8296 or via Skype.
Read more about the 10 Commandments of Character in my book Character Disturbance. And look for The 10 Commandments of Character: How to Build a Significant Life this spring.
And we must do this even when we don’t feel particularly eager. Sometimes, we even have to “fake it ’til we make it.” Sure, we have to set limits. Disturbed characters will test our willingness to be civil and generous. But we can take good care of ourselves while simultaneously behaving toward others as we would have them behave toward us.
Test our willingness is one way to put it! Dr Simon, that’s very, very conservative.
The above is CRITICAL. The minute we slip up and let our own anger and outrage loose we give them what they want. I’d prefer not to endure any of it. It’s difficult to calm ourselves down once we’ve been attacked by these creatures. I often find I have to go have a bath in Epsom salts to alleviate the bad energy they leave. It sort of sticks to you.
Has anybody seen the mouth of a leach under a microscope, if not google it. This is what they are. If these demonic people are being controlled by entities hyperdimensionally then I envisage that’s what they’d look like. It’s like you are being spiritually mauled. I just had to say that because I can’t agree with Dr Simon more with regard to WE HAVE TO be of good character. Lead us not into temptation etc. They are trying to bring us down to their level and it is so IMPORTANT we don’t descend to their level. Nothing can withstand truth. No evil, no nasty individual can go up against truth and come out victorious. Pray and don your spiritual armor because I believe the reason we attract these assholes is because we can withstand them and transcend them. In order to withstand them, we must be loving towards ourselves and never waiver from our commitment to integrity.
I have to agree with what Lucy said back at the other discussion. Sometimes not killing them is being civil. You have my deepest respect Lucy. I am behind you 150%. Think about this, think about how we’d feel after if we actually did that. You know what they’d ultimately win. We are better than that :-
The reference to the leech really struck me, because I have this vision of myself humped over with a giant leech sucked to the back of my body. The leech is the CD husband I’ve been trying divorce, trying his best to suck the life right out of me.
Eudox, Lucy,
My X used to call everyone a parasitic leech, I guess he would be the expert on this considering he was one himself. Yep, still paying the extraction bills attributed to that leech.
Eudox, I googled the leech, how obscenely, gross, now I will have nightmares. I did get one of those slimy things stuck to me several years ago, salt made it release. If only the human species of leech were so easy to be rid of. The CD human leech many times plays the lead role in fiction horror movies. The worst part is, so many of us are or have been the human host in a real life horror movie.
And, yes, the motive is to suck our souls from from us and any other benefit we can supply.
BTOV – yes he would it’s called projection LOL. Everybody according to them is another version of them. They see themselves everywhere and because they are so vile they think they can just piss all over the other one of them and hope to get away with it in their game of one upmanship and they like to play to win. When they don’t – don’t they get pissed off. When they are belittling, tearing down, berating others it’s their projection onto us. Their self hatred is on full display. Good warning sign I reckon – the only one we need really. Thanks I see you, goodbye. They are leeches alright BTOV.
I read somewhere to overcome nervousness during an interview or some other situation is to see the interviewer as naked. I sort of did the same on Friday night when CD leech from hell was playing her usual game of nasty. She didn’t like it much. She flew out in a rage.
See that’s it give them no benefit. NONE.
I’ve given this some consideration and have decided to kill them with kindness -evil grin- The next time current local CD leech tries to pull a number on me I’m going to say something along the lines of :
Thank you so much, I owe you a debt of gratitude. I thought I was really good at picking psychopaths but hey they are generally too clever. Due to your total absence of impulse control you have honed my skills down to a fine art where I now discuss you on forums with others who have met people just like you. You are wonderful teachers with so much enthusiasm for hatred, malice and menace. Given you have no impulse control you go after everybody, therefore assisting in your own demise so much sooner. In your arrogance you just keep shitting on people until they do eventually get sick of it once they stop trying to figure you out. But it’s wise not to do that in small communities where the shitees know each other or where they have the opportunity to meet each other. Keep up the good work! You’re getting a great reputation for it. You are doing a wonderful job helping decent human beings recognise you so quickly. This helps us to make wise and excellent decisions to not have anything more to do with you much quicker than we previously would have. Thanks to you, decent people who previously didn’t even know each other but have been shit on by you have now formed solid bonds with each other and lifetime friendships. When all is said and done, more will be said and you will be done.
You are now openly transparent thanks to your own enthusiasm for demonstrating your character, absent and devoid of any human virtue. This ensures your soul will eventually be consumed in the pits of abomination from whence it came and the cosmos will forever rejoice in the escalation of its ascension. Blessed be Amen.
Think that might be over the top? I don’t.
Eudox,
I don’t think you were over the top, that is how you feel, from what you have experienced and how you see the CD behind the mask, the CD can’t hide from you. May I suggest for others reading these posts who don’t know your experiences and foresight, could you identify (them) as the CD so others won’t think you are talking about someone else. Otherwise, well said and accurate as usual.
I love this. haha
Definitely not over the top. You are honest and accurate.
This “I’ve given this some consideration and have decided to kill them with kindness -evil grin-” reminds me of something. 🙂
Once my wife complained that when she and her cohort were complaining I was grinning throughout. That time I didn’t understand her game fully (why, what is ulterior objective etc), but I had good gut feeling about what was going on, and probably started seeing them as naked.
We can write a sad CD song titled “Killing me softly with kind evil grin” 😀
Disturbed characters also try to suck your soul out of you. Like the Dementor’s Kiss in Harry Potter. They are so desperate to manipulate you into their way of thinking. They are always right. They know what they are talking about. It’s their way or no way.
They belittle and disrespect everything good you do. I finally came to the realization that not only did I marry a D.C. but both my sisters are DC’s. It’s so bad that I have to isolate my children as much as I can from their wicked ways. I’ve had to teach my children by example. It’s very difficult. Kids today get so many mixed messages.
“Disturbed characters will test our willingness to be civil and generous.”
I am extremely civil and generous: I cannot say a mean or disrespectful word to anyone; I will give you my lunch if you are hungrier than me. I need to be less civil/generous with psychopaths. I read something that makes it OK to do this: Psychopaths are not human – not even close. If you find one, throw it back into the gutter. Because they are not human, we do not need to obey the civil rules of discourse with them – because they certainly don’t!
My adult daughter, who is being taunted by her father, my STBX CDN, is learning the power of No Contact. She blocks him on her phone. But then she continually opens that door back up to see if they can talk or visit, and BOOM, he hits her with it every time. It’s hard watching her hurt so badly. I told her this week that if you open that door he will knock you down, and kick you, every time. It’s an open door. He uses it to abuse, not mend. I told her he will kick her when she’s down, and he does. When she’s at her weakest he still hammers on her. I told her he’s not “in a bad mood”, this is what he is. There is no understanding him. He’s mean. period. If she wants to get healthy she has to close that door on him. It’s the only way. She’s near a breakdown from his berating and emotional abuse. And I’m so worn down from dealing with him through the divorce that I have little energy and patience to give her comfort for her ordeal. But I can see that she’s beginning to really understand. I said you don’t let a man who abuse you – mother – watch your son. It’s not right. She hit the nail on the head. She said it’s no different than having an abusive boyfriend and letting him watch her boy.
So treating him with generosity and civility just cannot happen. The only way I can treat him is to have a little contact as possible and to keep that contact as short as possible. He’s an uncivilized monster out to destroy.
This chapter is a hard one for me to follow. I’m doing my best to just survive this ordeal intact.
Lucy,
The best thing your daughter could do is get a RO and if SB wants to see his Grandson it would have to be a monitored visit. One can never underestimate what vileness goes on when no one is looking, YES, the CD is capable of anything.
A very good book for your daughter to read might is by:
Patricia Evans Verbal Abuse
This author wrote several good books.
Also, it may be helpful for your daughter to go to the Woman’s Resource Center where she will meet others who are dealing with CD individuals. It may empower her when she talks with others who have had to enforce NC and not to feel guilty. They will help her to reinforce her boundaries.
There are also Woman’s Advocates who will help her through the RO process if that is something she chooses to do. It may be a good option to try for awhile. I believe the courts would back her on this one, the courts take RO’s seriously when children are involved.
Just a thought, it’s a good tool and resource to avail oneself of. The center also provides a wealth of information in many areas for mothers with children. They also point single moms to outreach sources for childcare, education, jobs, childcare, food, clothing, toys, furniture and the list goes on.
I recommend anyone having needs to contact The Women’s Resource Center in their areas, there are facilities for men too. Taking advantage of these resources is not something to be ashamed of, I was grateful for the understanding and camaraderie I found there.
What I found as the most beautiful part of the Woman’s Center is: we all are the same, there are no barriers, just love, understanding, civility, kindness, peace and hope for one another. Really, a beautiful experience!
I could guide her to one but I know her answer would be no. She is so resistant I think once she stabilizes with NC she may be more open to treatment.
Another thing is have to be aware of is I predict he will take her to court for grandchild visitation. I’ll ask her to save her texts. They are evidence. And I’d be her best witness.
In my county I’ve reported hundreds of OPs and indoor think they would grant her one. He has to present a physical danger to her to get one. For now blocking him should help her, but if he physically comes to her presence without invitation and behaves violent the. We will march up to court. Actually I don’t believe she has the strength to do that
Lucy,
You are treating the CD with Civility, its called NC. Utilizing this form of treatment-NC, you guarantee both you (limited) and the CD are treated with dignity and respect. There is a reason for this abnormal method of NC civility, it works so well because, this is the norm for dealing with a highly CDN.
You owe the CD nothing, you do owe yourself dignity and respect and you get it by going NC with the CD. When we don’t know the rules of the game and unfortunately, it boils down to a sick demented game with the CD.
When we finally have that Ah Ha moment, and, see through the game, we can begin to set the ground rules of engagement, you will see the games take on a whole different shades and shapes. I caution one, the rules the CD use are far different than the ones we will use. Always, deal to in truths, honesty, integrity, decency, kindness, and utilize all the laws available to you. Never take the law into your own hands.
The rules and games are pure insanity but once you figure them out, remember though the rules of the game are different and change with each CD, but nonetheless, the game is the same and so are the rules, its a matter of what rules and course of action best suits your circumstances. One may need to act but not re-act.
The beauty of Generosity is shown throughout Dr. Simon’s support and informational blog. Contained inside is the Generosity of the giving spirit from all those who support, advise and share their knowledge and personal stories with the next person who comes looking for answers and support.
Lucy, you have shared so much of yourself here. You have given and given, I know I am humbled by how you have handled your situation and your tenacity to keep going forward. You indeed are a person of integrity and honor and can hold your head high. “Keep on a blogging” ((((Hugs))))
BOTV
Aweeeeee thanks
Andy I’d hit reply if I could. I could just imagine it LOL It’s funny isn’t it when we get onto their game they are definitely less threatening, once seen in the clear light of day :-
True. We see the real person behind the facade. And, most are just psychological manipulator who are at most capable of messing up with their fuzzy brained targets (fuzzy brained – yet to see through manipulation).
It was a game-changer for me when, while still living with the CDN, I learned his “anger” was not anger at all, but yet another ploy to disengage me from a topic I was addressing. And after learning of the tactics that a CDN will use, I would watch in amazement him shift from one tactic to the next, trying to find one that would make me go away. Andy, I probably had a grin on my face and not know it.
Things have changed now though, his “anger” towards me is authentic, and I wonder if and when he will blow.
Lucy,
I agree the CDN use anger as a tool to manipulate and cause fear, its a nasty game of power over….. From my personal experience, the CD are always angry inside for various reasons. The CD are always unloading this anger on innocent bystanders or selected individual whipping boys, such as their spouses, partners, children, whomever, as long as the CD feels they can get away with it.
As Dr, Simon points out “Entitlement” and that is the key. The CD are never satisfied nor does the CD ever think they have gotten their fair share, regardless, if they have earned it, worked for it, or deserve it . The CD are bottomless pits of greed and envy.
I think the CD straddle the fence of mental retardation, arrested development and mental illness, a hefty price to pay for entitlement and pride. Pride being the core, the very root cause of all CD pathologies.
This topic, the 9th Commandment of Character is important to me, as it helps me realize how fortunate and grateful I am, to understand the grace of God. These Commandments are a door, a door for me to open and walk through, to appreciate what I do have in life. More important than anything, is the realization, that life is about people, it’s about giving, sharing, supporting and loving one another.
I would give all I have if I could heal the CD in my life, unfortunately, I am responsible for me. As the saying goes “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.”
I am grateful that I have the ability to forgive, not forget or not hold accountable, but to forgive the CD and give it over to the ultimate judge. Forgiving the CD has given me freedom to go on with my life in a healthy manner.
You see, the forgiving really was a blessing for me, it set me free from carrying unhealthy anger and hostility inside of me, the very anger that consumes the CD alive. In freely letting go, I freed myself.
Hang in there Lucy, one day you will be free, you are growing now in character as I hope I am. Your an awesome lady and humble example for all. We all care deeply for you, and support you.
Thank you, all of you, for listening and supporting me too, its means more than you know.
Blessings
BOTV
Thanks for all your support and wisdom. You and other bloggers have helped me heal throughout the two years of divorce hell going through. I have so much insight and understanding now of the CDN and their sick, evil ways of attempting to destroy those around them. I will come out ok, as will others who keep reading, keep trying and never crumble to give the CD what he/she wants, which is the ultimate power over our being. I’d like to say a few cuss words now but holding those back …….