Ever since the e-book versions of In Sheep’s Clothing and Character Disturbance became available, folks have written me complaining that although they were able to download them from Amazon to their Kindle readers and apps, they could not get the books through the Nook bookstore at Barnes and Noble. Today, my publisher informed me that a pesky technical problem has finally been resolved and both e-books are now available for use on your Nook device or Nook app on your tablet or other mobile device and also purchasable through Barnes and Noble.com. Feel free to pass this happy news on to all your friends!
My ex and my daughter have character disturbance traits. They are both so clever at it that they have others thinking that I am a terrible abusive mother. My ex’s motive, just that, he is an ex. My daughter’s because I have confronted her too many times with her lying and harmful behavior towards others and myself. Now there are grandchildren that I have not even seen. She wants me back in her life but I am afraid of her and her behaviors towards me when she gets angry. What can I do?
You have the power to set the structure for your encounters and even the terms under which you might have contact with your grandchildren. And remember, anger is likely not the issue here, but rather the unprincipled, undisciplined, and aggressive behavior, which can occur just as easily in the absence of anger. And when you set the terms of engagement, be sure you have support available.
Been an ardent reader of your reference work. I have to say that I’ve had to deal with charlatans who use the exact same dishonest tactics within social influence that you describe in your book. You definitely seem to have an education in psychology. Perhaps psychological manipulation is quite a tool that humans need to be woken up to.
One instance was a misandrist using feminism as a pretext to vilify other humans based on their affiliation with the male sex. Yet she would legitimize females abusing other males because of a supposed victimhood that she has. Personally, i thought her dogmatism lead her astray because she was just “vilifying the victim” as you might describe it. I defected from the interaction without qualms.
It’s disingenuous because she likes to manipulate fears and sympathies to get compliance while claiming she’s being subjugated. I don’t want to even be affiliated with such malicious trickery.
Thanks so much for your insightful comments.
Another instance was dealing with an ex-amigo of mine. Who was essentially taking advantage of confidence in him and his skills (who I now understand to be superficial at least). He was basically having others pay for his meals with reciprocating a financial return. When I found out he was lying by omission to me and was just free-riding, i simply cut off all ties with him.
He was engaging in convoluted rationalizations for abuse by deliberately ignoring the context of which was being described and instead just stonewall the points in question. That’s both condescending and dogmatic to say the least to speak as if you are “absolutely sure” without bothering to understand the other person.
I think people should also be taught early on that anyone can be fooled and that they should always be aware of this possibility without driving themselves crazy of paranoia.
Almost all of us have our BS-detectors and even those often have flaws. Shouldn’t heightening gut intuition and honing that internal BS-detectors be taught more often?
Absolutely. And for too long I think many were made to feel guilty for going with their gut and making “rash judgments” when in fact they may have been simply being guided by nature’s internal compass. We definitely need to heighten our awareness about our intuitive processes and hone our skills in using them. DeBecker’s book “Gift of Fear” addresses this pretty well.
That book is enough to turn anyone paranoid. I was freaked out pretty badly after reading it. Good to drive home, though, that to “stand up to” dangerous or even impaired characters is very foolish. Standing up for myself is what I had to learn.
I’ve also read and heard of the destructive effect of paranoia on character. Would you, Dr Simon, post about that sometime?
If I forget in the next few weeks, please remind me.
Dr. Simon
It seems that your last post is redirecting to a wrong page. The right one would be this.
Thank you for the alert. Not sure how this happened but will fix it.
J, I think disturbed characters are paranoid because they assume that other people are like them and shouldn’t be trusted. Just like I was unable to conceive that the guy I was involved with would ever do what he did intentionally, as a game or method to control and manipulate me to his own gain. I’m not like that so I couldn’t conceive that someone else would be. Sociopaths are just the opposite….they suspect other people of what they are guilty of.
I feel obliged to mention that too often we assume paranoia and projection in these characters because we believe they actually think what they say regarding their perceptions of others. Sometimes, of course, they really do think that way. But much of the time, they don’t actually think that way at all but use what they say are there perceptions of others to “justify” their behavior. It’s part of the game of impression management. By casting others as ill-intended or making other statements that sound paranoid or suggest projection, it somehow makes them them look just a little less purely malevolent.
Absolutely Dr. Simon…..I’m just learning this. Its kind of a diversionary tactic to keep the focus off of them and throw you on the defensive. I go to a web site centered around psychopaths and recovering from relationships with them…..180Rule…..anyhow they talk about, as do many of the people who are familiar with these nut jobs, they talk about how these people switch things around, upside down, etc.
Basically, with a Socio/ psychopath, if their lips are moving….it’s a lie in some form or fashion.
So what I said above about them “suspecting” what they are guilty of, might be more like…..hm….this is hard to word…..they show you what is inside of them by accusing you of it. I’ve seen my ex do this!
He would say to me that he thought that the only way I felt in control was when things were out of control.
All these people live for is to keep things out of control so the victim can’t get their feet underneath themselves. And if the victim starts acting like they do have their feet back underneath, the abuser yanks the rug out again by creating the conditions for yet another upheaval. It’s diabolical!!
So, when he told me that I like chaos and being in control, he was speaking of himself.
Once you see this, they are very transparent in spite of themselves. Unfortunately, by then it’s too late I’m afraid.
Predators and other disturbed characters know what they are like and what they do, so I understand they’re as alert to spot weaknesses as they are to sense lack of integrity in others. Even if they intellectually know full well the latter isn’t the case for everyone, they still think deep down: “Oh well, it’s a world, where people are screwed over left and right and others can get screwed for all I care. I sure like to be a winner. It would be nice, if someone tried to best me, so I have a chance to showcase that I’m the one endowed with the best in life.”
Sounds pretty psychodynamic, but that’s simply how I understand it. “Some losers sit there sulking, whatever they have is mine for the taking. Others try to trick you into being a loser.”
Perhaps paranoia or mistrust of character-disturbed people arises out of their heightened readiness to fight and show themselves as superior beings deserving of automatic respect. It’s not about anxiety, worry, fear and desire for safety we so-called neurotics relate better to(at least anywhere near the same extent). In disturbed characters, mistrust arises out of combativeness. It influences smallest waves of their thinking adn they can be ready to find excuses that satisfy them. Perhaps we can even see the matter as such that some disturbed characters really fall in love with those excuses.
I just thought of it like this as I wrote this. I hope that clarified something.
On this theme of mistrust, I’ve noticed, since I’ve started standing up for myself and not falling for my husband’s manipulative tactics (and even calling them sometimes) he’s started acting suspicious of me.
He never did this before. Now he’s questioning my motives and implying mine are as dubious as his.
It seems he’s changed tack since I stopped being so easy to control.
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Another thing that’s changed: I explained to him about needing to think before responding to challenges or complaints from me (instead of immediately debunking/minimising/playing the innocent etc).
Next day, he very calmly and seriously refers back to our conversation of the previous day, saying he’s thought about it (as I requested) and then proceeds to use his manipulative tactics in his ‘response’ – just with 24 hrs delay!
When I realised what he was doing, I was angry at first, but then I almost laughed out loud at the absurdity of it. He obviously has no intention, as yet, of really changing.
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So, although I was starting to feel guilty, thinking “maybe I’m overstepping and he can’t really cope with all this confrontation” (tears, forlorn puppy dog expression), I now realise I’m justified in keeping up the pressure and protecting myself – he’s still fighting!
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There has been a difference with one of my sons who has mental health issues and learning difficulties to contend with as well as boundaryless, challenging behaviour. He is responding to the challenge to change. He obviously has enough neurotic in him (he has some CD stuff, I’m sure, he was always very willful as a child) to be willing to take responsibility for himself – despite the major challenges he faces day to day. If my son can do it, so can my husband – if he chooses!
Rose