Impression Management
Impression management skill and gaslighting often go hand-in-hand. Let me explain. Some truly nefarious characters know how make good impressions. They know how to look good. So, when others don’t see them the same way you have come to see them, it can make you feel crazy. And that crazy feeling is what the gaslighting effect is all about.
Looking good, is more of a skill and an art. And some disturbed characters, especially covert characters, are really good at it. Being good is a whole other matter, however. That takes work, dedication, and commitment to the right set of values. (See also: Looking Good Vs. Being Good: Impression Management 101.) It also requires the capacity for genuine love and the willingness to sacrifice. In today’s cultural climate, too many lack the proper motivation to develop wholesome character. It’s simply easier to develop positive impression management skill. And sadly, too many relationship partners come to appreciate the truth of what I’m saying here the hard way.
Seduction
It’s easy to get fooled by those with good impression management skill at the beginning of a relationship. Some folks have a naturally charming and engaging manner. They can draw you in like a magnet. You don’t realize how flawed they are in character until later, after you’ve been hurt. Seduction is an art, too. And it’s one of the main manipulation tactics I speak about in In Sheep’s Clothing.
Feeling Alone When You Know the Truth
Discerning the true nature of a disturbed character is often a journey full of heartbreak. But nothing compares to the heartbreak of being the only one who realizes the truth about someone who still manages to charm, seduce, and curry the favor of others. When others see your nemesis so differently, it’s natural to question yourself and the soundness of your judgment. You can even question your sanity. That’s gaslighting on steroids! But the worst feeling of all, perhaps, is feeling so horribly alone.
It is a very timely post given the obligatory get-togethers of the holiday season. Thank you for your words of wisdom, they are always appreciated. Be aware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing but don’t be afraid of him/her. Know thyself and prosper. Merry Christmas to all!
Thank you! And Merry Christmas!
My abusive adult daughter is a master at impression management and gaslighting.
She tried to psychologically break me amongst other things. She tried to isolate me by lying about everything. Poisoning the well. I realized she’s been doing that since at least middle school.
I’ve been no contact (mostly) to protect myself. The gaslighting is brutal. If I do have contact, it’s by email. It’s easier to spot the gaslighting and it’s easier to detach and process.
She, of course, is keeping her mask on tight for the family. They think she’s wonderful, I think. Don’t know if/when her mask will slip and they will see the abusive side or if they’ll figure out the covert tactics and gaslighting she relies on.
She sent me an email yesterday with a link to my nieces funeral announcement. She will be in town and attending.
I will not be.
It’s challenging for me to know if I am better off not replying to thank her for letting me know. I suspect it’s all part of her impression management game. Most times it feels like she’s toying with me, testing me.
In August she left a note in my mailbox telling me what she has learned and appreciates about what I taught her and that she realizes how hard it must have been to do it alone.
She is self aware- she just doesn’t care if she hurts me to get what she wants. That has not changed. She has not made an attempt to apologize for her abhorrent behavior.
It annoys me that I’m wrestling with the choice!
Feedback would be appreciated. I am alone with the truth about her as far as I know.
Hi Mindful,
I think most of us are alone in our truth regarding abuse in the form of covert disrespect, others just don’t care unless it affects them personally.
It’s best to do whatever brings you peace but it appears as if your daughter won’t leave you be. That’s unfortunate. Giving your daughter access to you even by email will always be a way for her to trigger you.
Hi D.
I wonder about that. Would they care if they realized what was actually happening (verbal abuse, threats, terrorizing, neglect, etc.)?
It’s a strange mental bind for a parent. At least this parent. As I am imagine she is well aware.
I cannot see her changing her ways. I certainly don’t trust her.
I think the fearful (protective) part of me thinks if I’m kind/polite, she won’t prey on me. A defense that worked well in my household growing up. But, of course history has proven otherwise with her.
You’re right of course. I get triggered with any contact with her. Less so now. But it’s still unsettling.
Thanks, D.
Mindful,
I have very similar relationships with 3 brothers and 3 sisters. I’ve gone no contact with them for over 10 yrs now. I also have children and now a grandchild learning the ways of the gaslighter.
I look at each interaction with them like this…I KNOW they will try to hurt my feelings, it’s sad their behavior, but I’m not going to let myself react.
As soon as their words or actions become hurtful, I either walk away and move to another area in the house or yard, or I abruptly end the event.
Sometimes I will call them out. Grandchildren running their hands through my hair claiming they’re getting the knots out when I don’t have knots. Or trying to mess up the top of my hair. They’re not toddlers and even when they were they did not pull this.
Also, running around the house screaming and throwing all the pillows off the bed pretending to play hide and seek right before they’re leaving.
At 11 and 9 1/2 yrs old it’s very suspect.
One just pulled the knots in your hair again this past Thursday. I told him to stop again as we just had this conversation about a month ago.
This is the garbage I have to put up with when seeing them, and this is mild compared to what they’ve been pulling as a family.
The other night one of their friends mother introduced herself to me. I told my husband, she must not have received the memo of you’re not allowed to talk to me??
Every time one of their adult friends engages with me and we’re all friendly having a nice time, they quickly swoop in to slander me and get that person to shun me at events. I’m so used to it it’s like water off a ducks back.
I say to myself, that person believing their nonsense is not a person I want to engage with. No critical thinking on their part.
In the end, sadly, I believe all their “power seeking ways” will come to nothing!!
It’s a promise I hold to , but it makes me grieved for them.
Priscilla,
That sounds like an unhappy way to live, for everyone. I guess they derive sick pleasure from it.
What does your husband do/say?
Do you ever think about limiting contact with them? They clearly don’t respect you (as mine don’t respect me). I know that is or can be a complicated decision.
I have much more peace and feel safer in my body now that they are gone.
It took me a long time (too long) to see through the gaslighting and abuse. She did the abuse cycle that keeps you trapped, thinking they can/will change or are trying. When she dropped the pretense of caring – when I was completely worn down and had limited capacity to fight back – she showed her ugly, ruthless, aggressive self and seemed to revel in it. She was going to strike me because I wasn’t giving her her way. It both terrified me and kicked in my natural instincts to protect myself.
That’s why I went no contact. It helps to write it out and have conversations here about it because our minds tend to want to forget that or minimize it. To hang on to the fantasy that she can/will change. And she wants that too. I will not reply to that email.
Mindful,
Yes, I went no contact with them more than 10 yrs ago. I was the one they all turned to for help when things went wrong in the family. I was groomed by my parents to try to earn their love by doing the very best I could, this way they could all float on less than and make me the hard worker.
After going through therapy and a lot of research I came to realize they literally are all just liars and users. When I went no contact they literally all proved just that.
No cards, letters phone calls or visits from them seeking out reconciliation.
I was already to the point of not being surprised that they would react that way as when gently confronted, each had a selfish, abusive response.
I don’t miss them, they were literally strangers all along. I actually feel sorry for them.
Priscilla,
It’s an awful way to treat anyone, let alone family.
I was referring to your children and grandchildren. Since they have adopted hurtful behaviors, I wondered if you have considered limiting contact.
I understand the ways you are trying to cope, not take it personally, not let it get to you, but in my experience, it just gets worse and you don’t deserve it.
She just dropped off another note.
This one seems more sincere. She acknowledges the work she’s done in the last 10 years to heal and to find the source of her anger.
She apologizes for being so cruel to me at times. That I didn’t deserve it and she knows it was triggering. She’s so sorry about the way she treated me before figuring things out. Again, I did not deserve it.
She thanks me for focusing on healing and breaking the cycle. Thanks me for showing her what it means to take healing seriously and seeking truth in spite of the discomfort. She says because of that work I did, doing my best to keep her safe emotionally & physically, teaching her to set boundaries and to ask for what I need, she feels mostly whole and at peace.
She thanks me for all the gifts I’ve given her, even the ones she wasn’t wise enough to see as gifts. She says she will continue the ‘relay’ and take the breaking of the cycle further.
She’s a gifted writer.
Problem is, I don’t trust her.
Mindful,
None of us knows your daughter as you do but a change is it likely? You don’t trust her but if you choose to see her meet in a public place and have an exit plan so you can get up and walk away.
I’ve found that I get the greatest peace by not responding. It’s proven to be in my best interest to not respond in writing or otherwise and not as punishment but because it always turns into something else. Trust? What is that with these types? I sense a bait and switch here but you’d know better than us.
We have gone no contact with a son going on eight years and I can honestly say I’m at peace. It wasn’t fuelled by substance abuse or addictions it was simply an ultimatum by him that would have eroded self respect if we gave in to his threats of no contact and did his bidding. We were set up to fail. What kind of relationship does that look like? A farcical one from the get go. We lost respect for him instead of ourselves.
I am in no way suggesting this for you but I’d not trade this feeling of peace for anything.
Mindful,
My neighbor who I tried to show love and friendship to used to randomly abuse me. I helped her with all kinds of stuff most people even if family never help with.
Periodically, she would come out offer me a drink and cry and tell me how sorry she was for being rotten to me, and state each time I don’t know why I act like that to you. You’ve always been such a good friend to me and then I go and treat you horrible, I’m so sorry.
I always politely would ask her why do you think you’re doing it to me?
She would say every time, I just don’t know.
So there’s our answer, it WILL probably happen again.
Priscilla,
With people like that, that do not value me, my time, my efforts, I leave them be. I wish them well and move on. I am not their object to abuse.
It sounds like your a good neighbor.
Mindful,
Unfortunately, I do have to say no to the grandkids at times. Too much of the abuse can literally stress me to have to endure disequilibrium increase so yes, I definitely limit my time with them.
D,
I don’t plan on meeting her. When I did years ago, I did it public. And often when other people would be there too.
In the past, her reaching out has been an attempt to reassert control (dominance) and control the narrative. She often used threats and ultimatums. She learned that if you want stiffen my resolve, do that!
She has mentioned her future kids in many of her communications, and the last two notes weren’t the exception. Long ago I was looking forward to possible grandchildren.
My theory is she is trying to suck me back in with dangling carrots (grandchildren). Her dad did the same thing when I was divorcing him. They both also use tragedies as opportunities.
What she doesn’t know is now I pray she doesn’t have kids.
Trust with them is a pipe dream. I sense a bait and switch too. And she’s well past giving her the benefit of the doubt.
I get that with your son. The ultimatums that put you in double bind. It’s like negotiating with a terrorist. You start, and it will never end. I’m glad for you that he honored it and is leaving you in peace.
Thanks, D. I really appreciate your hearing me out and giving me helpful, thoughtful feedback.
Dear Mindful,
If she is sincere is her self work and has made significant changes to herself, she should not be expecting your response as her self work would have taught her that sometimes consequences for destructive behavior is permanent, she can’t control a response from you and trust must be earned. She seems to have left you feeling as if you’re expected/required to respond. I’m guessing that’s the red flag you’re sensing. Sincere apologies are a gift to right a wrong without an expectation of forgiveness.
Hi Charlie,
Yes, and I see that as a sort of a litmus test for her sincerity. It’s her nature to demand or coerce, so that would be a major shift for her to accept that she can’t control my response. And that forgiveness is not a given and she has to
do the work to earn my trust.
My feelings about being expected/required to respond I think are partly an old learned pattern and partly because I can sense she’s applying pressure, she’s been increasing contact, and it’s very uncomfortable for me. It feels unsafe.
I do wonder if there is a specific thing she wants from me/from reconnecting.
Thank you for your insights, Charlie. It really helps.