The Grateful Heart is a Happy Heart

Cultivating a grateful heart takes practice.  We need to remind ourselves often of all we have to feel grateful for.  And that’s pretty hard to do in troubled times.  It’s especially hard when we’re feeling disappointed or even bitter.  But there’s a high cost to bitterness and there are countless rewards to reap from being grateful.  So it’s well worth the effort it sometimes takes to count our blessings.

In my book Character Disturbance, I explain how attitudes of entitlement negatively affect both the mindset and behavior of the disturbed character.  Entitled characters don’t feel indebted to anyone or anything.  That’s why they fail to develop a healthy sense of obligation. And researchers tell us an impaired sense of obligation is at the root of so many of the disturbed character’s problem behaviors.  It’s far too easy to shirk the responsibilities that naturally accompany a healthy relationship, a successful job or career, etc. when you think everyone owes you and you owe nothing.  Feeling indebted is the opposite feeling entitled. And when we feel indebted we’re more apt to have a more loving, grateful, generous, and happy heart.

Practice makes perfect.

There are many ways to “practice” being grateful.  We’re multi-sensory creatures, so surrounding ourselves with little “reminders” like photos, art, music, mementos that we can touch, feel, or smell, etc., helps us maintain a sense of gratitude. Keeping a gratitude journal is also a good way to help us remain mindful of all the things for which we can be grateful. It’s good to take time to remember someone’s act of kindness toward us, a pleasant happenstance, a treasured intimate moment with a friend, lover, or grandchild, for example.  Recording the events for future reflection can help a person recover and maintain a sense of gratitude.

Gratitude is not a feeling that automatically arises with good fortune. Especially in our day and time, it’s far to easy to take even the good things that come our way for granted. Cultivating a deep and abiding sense of gratitude takes practice. Sometimes, that even means “going through the motions” of expressing appreciation without our hearts being truly in it. The often heard advice: “Fake it ’til you make it” has some real applicability here. It helps to act in an appreciative manner and make the effort to express our gratitude by saying “Thank-you” or “I appreciate that,” even if we’re not feeling particularly grateful at the moment. But in doing such things, over time, we’re likely to experience a genuine change of heart.

There are so many blessings in my life that it would be impossible to count them all. That doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced some really low times or dealt with some difficult circumstances. It just means that when I think about things for a moment — really think about them, I know I’m one very fortunate individual. In fact, I’m blessed beyond measure just to enjoy this precious gift we call life. I also know how I can get when I’m feeling sorry for myself (especially when I’ve suffered a setback or disappointment), or when I think I haven’t gotten all I think I deserve (There’s that sneaky temptation to entitlement again!). So, especially when things aren’t going my way, I have to make a concerted effort to get off my pity pot and practice the positive psychology solid research has indicated makes all the difference. My experience matches the now abundant research on gratitude and happiness: when I feel good, I don’t always feel grateful, but when I practice gratitude, I almost always feel better.

The High Cost of Bitterness

The opposite of gratitude is bitterness. Bitterness poses a challenge because it is marked by intense animosity, reproach, and perhaps cynicism and rancor. Bitterness can result from severe grief or regret. Sometimes it seems there is no rationality to it. And because of the ordeal they’ve typically been through, survivors of toxic relationships  can easily become bitter. (I address this in several articles including Toxic Relationship Recovery – Comfort in Lessons Learned and Toxic Relationship Aftermath: A Wrap Up,  and also in my book How Did We End Up Here?). There often appears no way to assuage bitterness once it sets in. But bitterness is truly poison for the person who harbors it. In a way, it lets us hold onto something we’d do better to discard. For survivors of toxic relationships, it’s the way the disturbed character maintains a destructive hold on our lives and our hearts. So, to truly overcome the damage already done by a toxic relationship partner, we need to do our best not only “emotionally divorce” them but also to release the bitter feelings that keeps us negatively attached to and influenced by them.

In therapy, sometimes I have to confront the incessant whining of my character-disordered clients with the reality that there really are no entitlements in life. Life itself is a miraculous gift. So the essential “commandment” for character-correction is simple: Strive to be grateful. Gratefulness will lead to a sense of indebtedness. That will, in turn lead you to earn and show respect for what you have, which will then help you accept the important obligations of life instead of expecting things handed to you.

Want to be happy?  Be grateful!

Most people think you need to be happy with your life and the way things are going to be grateful.  But years of experience and now mounds of empirical research tells us just the opposite: when we keep our awareness high of all the things we have to be grateful for, we’re much more likely to find happiness.  The adage to count our blessings is powerfully good advice, now supported by scientific evidence. Being grateful combats the evils of entitlement, begets a healthy sense of social obligation, and engenders something all of us crave: happiness.

Next week I’ll be again previewing my upcoming book with Dr. Kathy Armisted: The 10 Commandments of Character: How to Lead a Significant Life by posting on the third “commandment” of sound character development.

Sunday’s Character Matters program (7 pm EDT, 6 pm CDT) will again be a live broadcast so I can take your calls.  To ask a question, share a story, or simply join the discussion call in at (718) 717-8296 about 5 minutes after showtime.

116 thoughts on “The Grateful Heart is a Happy Heart

  1. The Grateful Heart is a Happy Heart.

    Some Years ago

    My the mother. Had to go for a routine breast screening. On the X-ray. THEY HAD FOUND SOMETHING. She was called back. I supported her, as I have always done so. I whent with her for the appointment to see the oncologist. She had other X-rays, tests. It was nothing she was clear.No cancer had been found, she was fit and free to leave a HEALTHY PERSON. SHE WAS ECSTATIC. BUT ! one week later she was whining.

    ” I said. You have got your health , what more do you want.”

    YOU ”

    She did not have cancer. She was fit and healthy. Greatful nooooo!

    1. joey,

      Yep, the more they get the more they want.
      Givers keep giving and takers keep taking.

      Takers are never satisfied. And the givers burn out.

      The center is the balance between the two opposites – the ones who can give and take.

      Giving and taking = sharing and caring.

        1. Lucy,

          “Nicely stated, Suzi.”

          Yea, short and simple. I don’t enjoy putting too much brain energy into their disorder! The less thinking I do about them the more energy I have to think about myself. You know how it is – a rat race.

          Take good care of your health, don’t let him wear you down.

          And good friends and a good job is certainly something he cannot take from you.

    1. Joey,
      I started to listen and it creeped me out immediately. I don’t have time to watch now. Just, thank you for contributing so much, so thoughtful and caring.

      I am grateful for all I have learned from all whom have freely given, I am grateful for all I have and the goodness and the grace of God.

      I am grateful to all the people that have truly cared for me and helped me on my life journey. I am grateful to all that have fought and the ones who lost their lives for this great country I live in.

      I look at others who have lost legs and arms, have endured immense hardships, prisoners of war, starving children, naked and poor, people who suffered dying of cancer and there is so much heinous, hideous, corruption and greed that we see. When 62 people have the wealth of 3 1/2 billion people I am glad I am not one of them. (psychopaths no doubt)

      I am grateful for all I have been given in life, even the pain and suffering because in it is a message to either reject it or grow. To become more understanding and giving to those less fortunate than I. In all this I have been blessed and am grateful.

      Blessings to all!

    2. Joey and All,
      I just watched the above You Tube Joey so kindly posted. I would suggest you all watch. It is brilliant, eye opening, educational, and most of all lends credence that there is hope, that change can happen if we all consciously make a concerted effort. We can make the difference in taking back our lives and world.

      I am going to send this link to as many people as I can.

      Thank you Joey, you are awesome. (((((Hugs)))))


  2. Hi Btov!! I feel the same way. I have been hanging back lately, too busy to participate but happy to read Dr.Simon’s great articles and all of the wonderful responses!

    I am having some issues with anxiety right now and some of it is likely not warranted, so reading about gratitude, helps me to keep things in perspective and not catastrophise ( Is that the right word?) As you bring up, there are billions of people living lives of intense daily stress and misery, imposed of them that they can’t control.
    How lucky we are that we don’t have that to deal with. I am so grateful for that — like you.

    And illness? Well, it’s hard — but it adds a dimension of understanding to our life experience. We can provide a certain amount of comfort to others similarly afflicted or affected, as we know how they feel.

    I’ve been frustrated beyond belief at times, just with the unrelenting nature of it all but still have always managed to avoid the “what if I never got sick, where would I be, how much happier, etc..etc…”

    I have never wanted to be anybody other than myself and although I welcome the occasional respite from discomfort, I think that being all messed up physically is a great opportunity to improve spiritually.

    It is about never giving in to bitterness by re-visioning illness as an opportunity. Maybe from a different perspective, after death, we will view it as the greatest gift of all!

    So nice to have the time to be in touch again!

    1. LisaO,
      I have missed you and have thought of you many times. So many of the other posters are gone. I am so glad you chimed in and hope you stay for awhile and maybe you can unload some of that nasty anxiety here thats weighing you down. Anxiety can make our bodies go haywire.

      I had a back injury several years ago that resulted in surgery I was hospitalized for almost a month. I have residual health issues as a result of the above and beyond the chronic pain. I feel blessed that I did regain the use of my legs and didn’t have to remain in a wheelchair.

      What I went through compared to others who may be born blind, never to see, born deaf, never to hear, born with deformities, never to know the things we take for granted . I am so blessed, I feel humbled, it could very well have been me.

      There was a news article awhile back that showed the filth littered streets and the poverty stricken people in Bangladesh. The article focused on a young boy of about 7 chained to a fire hydrant, clothed only in shorts. His grandmother had no one that would keep him, the mother was gone and the grandmother had to go to work to support the two of them.

      This scene struck such a cord of rage within me, our throw away society our ability to turn our heads on these suffering people. I am grateful that I was born in this country. People will not realize what they had till its gone. We have so much it actually obscene.

      Yes, I am grateful for all my blessings and I am more than content with my lot in life, but then, I alone am responsible to embrace the good with the bad and transform it into good. When I do this, it relaxes me and relieves some stress. Anxiety is a tough one because our body tissue has memory too so it isn’t that easy to turn it off and on. Someone suggested St. Johns Wort is good. I have never tried it.

      I am happy another kindred Spirit from the Archives has found her way back home, I relinquish back to you the anchor its all yours my dear.
      ((((Hugs))))) You have made me very happy!

    2. Exercise is very good remedy for anxiety. It is a fight or flight response. The problem is that if you are not burning up those calorise that you would fighting that bear or just legging it. Sugar builds up in the musle. If you use burst exercise this helps alot. exercise that make you sweat and out of breath. Swimming, Climbing stairs (Very Good), Fast walking (never run), Cycling, walking up hill(fast) Very very good.

        1. Joey,

          What form of exercise do you now do? Do you live in a neighborhood conducive to walking? Walking around town is my favorite “exercise”. THis past year though my normal routines have gone by the wayside and I’ve gained too much weight. It’s like I can’t find a routine. I feel discombobulated.

      1. Joey,
        Many times I become so exhausted just dealing with life. I know from what you have shared the dreadful past you were able to free yourself from. I too, have had my fair share of dealing with the CD. If I may ask and I know yo expressed the aloneness. Did you find that exercise helped you through some of these really down times. I am asking because that is perhaps, what I need.

        I don’t want to go down the rabbit hole on this topic now. I want to tell you and thank you, I watched the You Tube link you provided on P. Very scary, a warning and eye opening warning of a reality of who people may be lurking behind their mask. They sneak in and present to innocent individuals a persona of comfort and familiarity, deceiving us into believing they are like just like us, when really they have a hidden agenda.

        I hate to admit it but they are so good at disguising themselves they can even pull the wool over our eyes. Example SusieQ, Patrick and others who have fooled us here. They are so coy and sneaky.

        A clue is they don’t reveal anything about themselves or when they do there is an iciness about them or it is a jumbled mess of chaotic words. Joey we have to beware and really have our feelers out. Sad but true.
        Your take very good care kindred spirit.

        1. Joey and BTOV and All,

          I watched the videos to. I feel the same way. It’s all so devastating. I can’t put it into words.

          I need exercise to but don’t feel up to doing it. I don’t feel well, the exhaustion is overwhelming. I don’t even feel like leaving home to walk.

          Maybe I’m just going crazy. I can’t shake all this evil stuff. And I despise knowing all this stuff.

          It doesn’t matter to what degree they are disordered – I despise it all.

          Perhaps exercise would help me to.

          My word to all those following behind me – get out, run as fast as you can and don’t look back!

          Once you lose yourself; self can be difficult to find.

          1. Suzi,
            wish you were close by. I feel the same way. We need to get over this hump and stay strong. I am glad you are posting again, we need all the support and strength we can get. Hugs and blessings

        2. Stairs. Climb as fast (I mean really go for it) as you are able until you are out of breath. STOP ! rest. Burst exercise. Go as fast as you can for 5-10-15 seconds. That is the way to start. But remember Stairs. Not the lift,Stairs. Hands on the rail and climb as you are able. Stop rest. Then climb some more.untill you are done. Then a little more. Then stop.
          The point is sugar builds up in your musles. Do not injure yourself.
          Dancing, Swimming, Cycling, Fast Walking, Never Run, Walk fast. Dog agility Classes. Fly ball for dogs. Dog training classes. All good for exercise

          1. Joey,
            Thanks, I will try that when I can find a building with steps. I have about 10 at the most in my house. yes I always take stairs and I need to take better care of myself with the type of activities you suggested. Does it help you? ((((((Hugs))))))

          2. joey,
            “Stairs. Climb as fast (I mean really go for it). Go as fast as you can for 5-10-15 seconds.”

            Oh my gosh you scare me – up the stairs as fast as I can. That is sure to be a sight to see. I have stairs in my house so I’m going to give it a try. Surely I can handle it for 5-10-15 seconds – although I don’t know about fast??????

            Since this week’s subject is about gratitude I suppose I ought to thankful for my stairs. At least I don’t have to put on tight revealing gym clothes and drive to the local gym were everyone has fit and impressive bodies – I’d surely fill like a misfit.

            Gee, this is new to me – I haven’t had much appreciation for my stairs before.

            OK – 5-10-15 seconds and I’ll go for it.

          3. Joey
            It looks like you’re the only one here exercising. What you just described will most certainly relieve anxiety and get one in shape. You just motivated me.

          4. When we are stressed we produce hormones, adrenline that help us Fight the Bear or Run away from it. When we produce a sudden Burst of energy we burn up those sugars that our musles have stored up. We are not fighting the bear or running away. We are sitting around. But not burning the calories that we need to, that we would if fighting or running away. A simple sudden Burst, (just ten steps are fine. Run to the top of them as fast as you are able. Do this every other day. )
            The sugar that is stored in the muscle that is not being burned up will increase and can increase, your likely hood of getting diabetes. I am not a doctor. Check with your own !
            Please see link.


  3. LisaO,

    I’m glad to see you’re back. Yes, anxiety is a tough one. I’m anxious, anxious about my uncertain future. I planned and planned and saved and dreamed and KABOOM, all gone to **** with the Jerk. Talk about rolling with the punches. Too bad I can’t control my future – or much anything else for that matter.
    Sorry you’re not feeling well. I believe you spoke of autoimmune disease? That’s one I worry about – if I don’t get the toxic jerk behind me I’m afraid of AD cropping up. It’s a real fear.
    This month the topic of gratitude has made me more aware of what I’ve got to be thankful for – for health being the main blessing. I think second and third are good friends and a good job – all immaterial things the Jerk cannot take from me.

  4. Have you found that at some points in your life there is more conflict than not.

    Remember the “shitbag” neighbor that we discussed in an earlier post. His ex and her two children, one of which I know to be his is now living with him. These are old buildings that we live in and cell phone reception is the pits. Every once in a while one of the neighbors will use their cell outside and it resounds across the green space that is like a mini amphitheater. I can hear them all the way across the green space just because of the roundness of how the buildings were built.

    His ex started standing outside my window (since we share the same walkway and would complain to someone about living arrangements etc (from what I heard I think she got evicted from the last place and had no where to go with the kids) so he let her come there.

    I went over to let her know that she could be heard by about 25 apartments that surround this green space. I figured it would quiet her down since most would not like the world to know their business. I knocked on her door at 4 in the afternoon after she had just finished a phone session. Her son answered and told me that she was not at home. So I told him of my concerns for her cell phone privacy and he told me that he would let her know. This young man knows me and it was a very cordial exchange. He is a good kid.

    This woman comes to my door that night at 10:00 pm and starts telling me in no uncertain way that I had no right to tell her 13 year old son what she may do with her cell. I said, OK, and closed the door. I was not going to get into a fight with someone so belligerent. She has calmed down and I think we have a better agreement now.

    Next, and I will admit, I could have said this a little differently, in hind sight, but here goes….a have been kinda seeing a cop, a 35 year veteran beat cop that lives on the property and is the courtesy officer. I called him on a Saturday evening and asked him if he wanted to come over. He told me that his niece (who is about 22) was coming after 9:30 pm. He had done this before using another family member when I asked if he would like to come over. I quietly told him that I thought he was lying to me.

    He went BALLISTIC! Screaming into the phone that he can’t stand what I just said and that we need to TALK, but not now and don’t call me ever again. I quietly said OK and hurriedly hung up the phone. He scared me to death!

    This is just the kind of thing that the ex would do when I called him on one of his many lies. Both the cop and the ex are big men and I am not. The ex would spit in my face screaming that he wasn’t lying, I was crazy and on and on and on. Just like the cop. That kind of screaming was extremely intimidating to me and I would just run off and hide it scared me so much.

    So I have no intention of speaking to this cop again.

    The new neighbor I can hear her now but at least she is not standing on our common space.

    I just quit a job at a big box store because I could not work the kind of job they expected of me (my boss was an ex cop) and I am glad I did since it was playing hell with my tremor the work was so stressful. Now, please understand, I am very used to hard work and when I hit the floor I made third from the top best sales person so this ex cop put me on all the high volume sales items so he could make his bonus off of what I sold. I got nothing for my trouble.

    So what gives? I realize I am on a Character Disturbed site. Is this what Dr. Simon means when he says that character disturbance is rampant in our day and age? And most important….am I doing something to draw these people into my life!? I realize the fact that I am a single woman living alone, unmarried makes me a target but JEEZ! What gives!


    1. Teresa,

      Hi, it sounds like you are having a rough time. I know how you feel, I’ve been having a tough time myself right now. Hopefully my rumination on this topic, for whatever it’s worth, will help you.

      I think that when we discuss the character disturbed we can easily (as Dr Simon often does) substitute aggression for the term character disturbed. The proper socialization of a child (or any other animal) teaches character as a means to limit or inhibit aggression and increase pro social behaviors. Because we currently live in a society that glorifies aggression (look at Donald Trump) it’s more acceptable and obvious than in the recent past. But aggression is part of the human makeup, it’s always been when you look back in history: i.e. wars, abuse, murder, manipulation, robber barons, and so on.

      I grew up in a very overtly aggressive family. I can easily say I have both a temper and aggression. Both have a long fuse, so to speak, and it takes a lot for me to get into an aggressive state and then only in defense of myself or another and I never redirect my aggression on an innocent. Once I ‘blow up’ I cool down rapidly. All this to describe the fact that I’m not a very aggressive person and what aggression I have is very limited and ver rare.

      So I have an attraction to aggressive people. Oh, they never look aggressive to me, they look secure, confident and capable. They look like they can face the aggression I could barely cope with from my parents and easily spit in the eye in the face of danger (whereas, I’m looking at the escape route to run as far and fast as I can.). Their confidence looks likes a safe place for me.

      I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not an attraction of familiarity as psychologists like to ascribe, I know the reasons why my husband was so attractive to me. He looked like the guy who could handle with ease that which is so overwhelming to me and have my back if and when I start floundering.

      I’m wondering if perhaps you’re finding yourself in a similar state with the cop. Cops are supposed to be protectors as we’ve been taught. He should be a protective shield against the ‘bad’ in the world. Unfortunately, my experience (being married to a man who wanted to be a cop but went military instead) is that those career choices are havens for what Dr Simon has termed ‘Channeled Agressives.’ They become the authority and ‘channel’ their aggression. I’m very cautious about military and police.

      As far as the ex from the shitbag, it makes sense that if we live in a society that glorifies aggression, everyone is prepared to meet every possible offense with aggression first, pro social later. It seems upside to me and tires me when there are far better, more positive solutions. I just don’t have that kind of energy.

      It sounds like you handled both situations really well and called out what your intuition told you was a lie and found out who this cop really is as a person. That’s something to be greatful for, I would think. But confronting these experiences over and over just sounds and feels scary, don’t you think?



      “So what gives? I realize I am on a Character Disturbed site.”

      Oh, you’re in the right place alright.

      “Is this what Dr. Simon means when he says that character disturbance is rampant in our day and age?”

      Yes sir-re!

      “And most important….am I doing something to draw these people into my life!? I realize the fact that I am a single woman living alone, unmarried makes me a target but JEEZ! What gives!”

      Well society has been breeding them for so long that they’re now all around us – a dime a dozen. They no longer hide in dark corners or behind the bushes. They’re right out there on Main Street, mingling in the crowds. And we’ve educated them to so now they practically control us.

      The real scary part is they look normal!

      Oh yea – as for the cop – stand firm and stand back out of his way.

    3. TheresaK,
      I had this happen to me too, it was a fellow I knew from a sporting club, he was kind enough to help me move. I think he would had liked making the moves but that wasn’t going to happen. You situation was a little different but the DC the same.

      This individual was an engineer, so what, I guess they are anal perfectionists. We had a date and time set for him to come and help me, my mistake I emailed and asked to confirm which he did. When he came over he went ballistic over my asking to confirm. He alleges I insulted his “character” by questioning his integrity. I told him I always confirm with others, you never know what may change, maybe, you are sick, your elderly father is sick, I said many people do this out of courtesy.

      He was one when he spoke about his X wife referred to her as the princess. He did not want to say her name. Yes, I knew I was dealing with a CD and he knew I wasn’t interested except in this case he had to maintain his stature with the fellows of the club to be chivalrous and help one of the few females.

      After he had his scream he was OK, another one of the games of power or one up the CD play. They are such sneaky critters.

      Still, Theresa we have the best little creatures that give us happiness and joy.
      How many and what are they? This little dog has been such a blessing. My doctor is going to give me a letter that he is a therapy dog, gives me a few privileges in taking him some places. He sure is easy to travel with except he leaves white hair all over. I am going to card it, spin it and knit it. Its that nice.

      Oh, I give all my dogs a kiss on the head. I had a fellow over and he said you never kiss my head and I said that because your not a dog. He looked rather stupefied , he may take it any way he wishes. How many dogs do you have? I know they are small. You have your whole family dont you.

      I am telling you we old ladies need to all retire in a retirement village together, we would have a blast.

  5. Teresa,

    I forgot to add an interesting (and distressing) tidbit I learned over my weekend of ‘fighting’ with this guy I married…….

    When I said he married the wrong type of chick, he should have married someone who liked fighting with him as much as he liked fighting, his reply was, “No, I would hate being married to someone like that. ” My reply, “So you need a chick you know you can run over.” His reply, “Yes.” Just that, yes.

    So we do have a bit of a target on us. It’s easier to ‘win’ a fight with a non aggressive person, someone who has limits, boundaries and a sense of fair play. This is Dr Simon’s theory on their favorite outcome: The Win / Lose scenario.

  6. Charlie,

    Thank you for such a well thought out, descriptive and honest assessment of my situation. Yes, I think you are right that I was attracted to the cop for his persona of security and something I did not mention….we really did talk well together. He “got me” since I was in the legal field for so long and on the other side I had a lot of dealings with cops because of my job. That being said, I said I would never date a cop and this is the first time that I have. And it blew up royally.

    I feel stupid for calling him on a Saturday night to begin with. That being said I just up and told him point blank “you are lying” never did I think he was going to react that way but now I know 1. he was lying 2. he has one mean temper 3. uses his temper to scare me off the subject (which did work but not as he had planned) 4. he thought I would go all girly on him and start apologizing especially since he threatened to end the relationship using all that drama 5. I really learned what I needed to know about him…he is a bully and has no problem scaring a small woman 6. He isn’t the nice guy everyone thinks he is.

    So there. He told me once I intimidate him. Lord knows what he thinks of me now LOL. I did not back down. Just quietly left the room and that is it so to speak. Thank you for giving me your experience with your stbx. Makes a lot! of sense. You made it rational for me.

    As far as the neighbor’s ex, she is treating me with more respect. I will have nothing to do with her now that she also showed her true colors but I will always be pleasant. I already reported her to the office…what good that would do probably nothing. I would have to call 911 next and then the cop would be at my door and that would not be a good thing!.

    As far as it scary…yes. So many people bite first then bark second these days. It is so very tiring. Being in a large apartment complex that is going through such changes isn’t helping any either. So many people are moving because of the unfair practices of the new owners that this is becoming a ghost town. Only those that do not have the money to move are staying and those are just the ones that start the trouble, don’t have the money for the rent and do not follow decent rules of engagement with their neighbors.

    I have just got to see that I am not attracting anyone….they are just out there and one much side step them as much as possible. I am learning to see them coming before they get to close. What a sorry state of affairs. I am a friendly, can we get along kind of person and I get you loud and clear about aggression, coming from a family that was very aggressive and how I want to be the peace maker. But, as you point out, I too, have a temper, but with a very long fuse, when that fuse is lit though, hell hath no fury.

    Thank you again, especially about the cop….I still have shaky legs when it comes to standing up for myself (which telling him he was lying was pretty dang ballsy) boy, did he not like me telling him he was lying. Then me hanging up on him. Bet that doesn’t happen to him very often LOL!

    Love, love

    Theresa Maria

    1. Teresa,

      While I would love to claim credit for rationally working through your situation, truthfully, I gave you the rational for my situation. Our situations are just very close together right now. 🙂

      My STBX also told me I intimidated him in the way back. Don’t believe that guy for a second. He’s just setting the stage for the whiner manipulation trifecta (also known as guilt tripping, feigning innocent and feigning ignorance.). “How could I fight with you? You’re so intimidating, I told you that in the beginning before we were even together. I can’t think as fast as you and I’m not as smart as you.” Meanwhile, we ( or I, as the case may be) hold back from that sense of fair play. My experience is that it’s a con job.

      Love the hell hath no fury, I’m right there with you!

      You know, I’m wondering how, when our intuition is telling us that somethings wrong, are we supposed to approach that? Is there a nice way to say, “I think you’re lying?” I know there have been many, many times I held back a feeling or an intuition truth because of his hissy fits of being so shocked and offended I could ever think such a thing about him. I think that’s a con job as well.

      Personally, if someone accused me of lying I would be appalled that I was giving the impression of being untruthful and would fall all over myself apologizing and reassuring (with proof) I was not breaching their trust.

      Quick story: Years ago, I and my STBX took in a high school exchange student. As with teenagers, I began to suspect she was not where she claimed to be after being told ‘no’ she could not attend an unsupervised boy / girl party. When I was discussing with my STBX how I was going to confront this, he said something really interesting: “You can’t ask her again where she was at, you already asked and she said where she was at.” He didn’t seem to be able to grasp that it was my right (and duty) to ask if things didn’t feel right to me. He seemed to think that anything anyone tells you, no matter how ridiculous has to be accepted as truth. It was really weird, blew my mind and I still have a hard time understanding that mentality.

      1. Charlie,
        Many times the answers they give and or their reasoning for a situation and it is senseless. The CD have a difficult understanding how people appropriately respond or are to act. You said he seemed to think that anything anyone tells you, my questions what he seemed to think and what he says he thinks are two different things.

        Trying to understand, If I may ask have you separated?

        1. BTOV,

          Nope not seperated yet, working on getting him to move out at least part of the week, I’m a frayed knot at this point. He’s been uglier than usual these past couple of weeks so I’ve been really reflecting on how his mind works in order to not fall for his manipulation tactics. I cannot forget for one minute how differently we think or I’ll be lost.

          1. Charlie,
            In most things count on it being the opposite. How does he feel about the separation. How old is he if I may ask? I haven’t followed all the history you gave. It depends on how CD he is, several variables can come into play.

          2. Charlie

            He’s ugly because he knows he’s on his way out and that you’re sick of him. And watch for the “anger” tactic. I’ve fallen for the backing off because he’s so angry. You know what? He may not be angry! They use false anger to scare you and make you back off and quit asking questions.
            You know how I handled it (after years and years of not handling it) when I’m intimidated I envision myself really tall, I stand taller when I feel like shrinking, in my mind I grow and grow. It works. The intimidation goes away when in your mind you’re HUGE!.

          3. Charlie,

            Hate to say it but the ugly will get even uglier. It will not make sense. Just know to trust your own instincts. Just observe and watch him go from one tactic to the next till he finds one that will work. Anger, Crying, Pleading, Yelling and Scaring you. The lies, the tactics, the I Love Yous, the I Can Do Betters, then the anger how dare you to leave me. Then the revenge. I’m living it. BUT . . . . it’s still much better than living under the same roof as the jerk. Just know IT WON’T MAKE SENSE because they are crazy fools.

          4. Lucy,

            He’s careful about brandishing anger after I lost my mind and went after him. Now he makes sure it’s quiet, that sulking, skulking anger he can feign ignorance and innocence if called upon.

            I’ve found that if he actions what I push for, he’ll adapt better and eventually own as his idea. Incremental changes seem to avoid the large KABOOM. Lots of fighting and misery though. Just not what I dealt with before.

            He has adopted a new tactic. I suppose I should give him the benefit of the doubt but I’m watching for ‘giving assent.’ He saw ‘Wolf in Sheeps Clothing’ and ‘Character Disturbance’ laying out and is now reading them. He’s finding them compelling and now he really understands he has bad character. He is actioning Telling the Will No as described in Character Disturbance.

            I imagine it will not last and will quit. He did the same with Lundy Bancroft exercises. It makes me wince every time he quotes Dr Simon to me though. Ugh. I will take advantage of this quieter time to regain strength and work on the house and yard and manage the tasks that slide in the upheaval of constant fighting.

            He’s set a boundary, if he’s not much improved by the end of June, he’ll move out. I’m going to hold him to that.

  7. TheresaK

    Oh boy . . . . . When we speak our minds we have to be ready for the aftermath, and you’ve been seeing plenty of that lately. You need to figure out which route you want to take, the quiet way, not speaking your mind and feelings and quietly walking away, or the confrontational, direct way, which will produce a flurry of emotions and repercussions. I’m not saying either is right or wrong, just depends on how much interaction you want to deal with.
    Many people have no common courtesy when it comes to talking loudly in a public place to the point of being an annoyance and rude, as is the woman speaking loudly under your window. Don’t know what I’d have done in that situation, myself having a short fuse. But I do know how to smile and kind of ass kiss with words to get my result. And I hate confrontation. hate it hate it hate it. Especially bad when you have to keep running into the person you’ve had words with. So uncomfortable for me.
    It must be difficult living in a loud apartment complex. I can certainly understand how one needs to have boundaries to have some sort of peace.
    As far as cops, that is the last type of man I’d want as a mate. I hate to categorize like this, but I’d say they fall on the side of overrighteous, better-than-thou, aggressive, bullyish.
    All this being said, with going through all the BS in my divorce, I have been bullied and in turn have a very short fuse and an intolerance for rude behavior, and not being able to let the bad feelings and temper out on the STBX (he’d love to call the cops on me and have me arrested) I have to be real careful about how and at whom my aggression gets directed.

    1. Lucy,

      Lord Acton said, “Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”

      We as a society give a lot of trust and a lot of power to those who vow to serve and protect us, such as police, military and fire rescue. When they abuse that power, betray that trust it causes us to lose faith in our heroes.

      There are many good heroes out there but there are also many who channel their desire for power in fields that give them the power they desire. I believe we, who already know our positive character traits are the attractive balance to their negative character traits, must be cautious when dealing with men in fields allowing them a moral avenue for their aggression.

      I don’t believe we are women who can afford to be naive or give the benefit of the doubt when it comes to aggressive men in aggressive fields of work.

          1. Got It! I work with powerful aggressive people every day, in the legal environment at the courthouse. And I have cops in court testifying about how and why they pull people over. I’ve been illegally searched when pulled over as a 20 year old. I asked cop why he was searching my vehicle (after being pulled over, at night, going 50-somehting MPH). He said because while I was driving down the road “he saw movement”. No movement. Nothing to hide. He searched my entire vehicle, trunk and everything. Since then the trust has been breached.

          2. Lucy,

            Amen to that.

            They’re just people, good and bad. They’re the same as everyone else with a hard job. Elevating them to hero status disregards them as human beings.

  8. EMR’s, police and military is something else I am extremely grateful for. I could not live in a society without the security of our police and military. I gladly give to them my tax dollar, my respect and if needed food off my table.

    Sure there are a few bad apples but bad apples are found through-out the entire human race.

    With no exceptions – character disorders do not discriminate.

    1. It’s not pleasant to encounter a channeled aggressive person in a cop uniform.

      Then on another side of the coin, anti-police propaganda feeds on those instances of cops acting badly. Such instances are generalized. If there’s any mention of good cops – especially those, who’d try to report their colleagues’ aggressive misuse of power – they are treated as exceptions, who get stonewalled by the blue wall of silence.

      While there can no doubt be bullies in any group and they can back use loopholes or back each other up, there’s another side to this.

      I’m not sure what alternatives anti-police propagandists would suggest for dealing with crime.

      1. I need to back peddle. I am not anti-cop. They are individuals. They are not all the same. I appreciate what they do to protect us. I’m going to leave it at that . . ..

      2. I myself know a few, who have gotten beaten up by a cop. I’m with you in that bad cops are individuals. When there are enough of them in the same place, they can back each other up. A partner can deny everything if any allegations are brought.

        And while one of these people I know started distrusting cops after a beating incident and another one had the anti-cop attitude to begin with(going along with his other political views on which I say no more), I don’t think having an unfortunate encounter with a power abuser in a cop uniform makes anyone anti-cop. Not at all.

        Though propagandists certainly try to appeal to people with those experiences. Don’t get fooled.

        I myself appreciate the police, too, and I think they’re necessary. It’s wonderful to have them around. I hope they find ways to handle the problem people that have slipped amongst them.

        And I sure agree that kind of entanglements running to mafia for help would lead to aren’t worth it. Even if there is honor amongst thieves, associating with criminals, like I think you Teresa are saying, very likely ends badly.

        1. Most don’t believe me…

          I grew up on immigrant street in a small town surrounding by a very large city. That small town was very rich because of the car plants that were there.

          On that immigrant street we all were getting away from Ellis Island, where we all came through, and all of us had a whole lot of history. Jews, Scots, Hillbillies (no they did not go through Ellis Island! at least not this one. And the pizza place up the street that was the Mafia…not just mafia but the Sicilian mafia. They and I and my sister and brother….we were friends, eating pizza that Mrs. D cooked, fighting past the rooster in the mornings when we walked to school, the car on the other side of the street that we walked past for a week and noticed stains coming from the trunk. The car finally went away but I heard from the grown ups (I was so young then) that there was a body in the trunk.

          So, I know a bit about Mafia. And I know that if I went to where I grew up I would be accepted back with open arms. You see, they got my family home for a song. That should not have happened. But my sister who was the executrix kept it for her own use until the court said auction it. So, was it them or us. They always wanted our house. But, hey, its only business. We could have made a better deal. That being said, if I went back they would want me to buy it.
          But the neighborhood has become a hood. When I grew up there, yes it was rough but the mafia kept it clean. Why, keep it clean so we have no trouble. This is a respectable place. So we can do business.

          Its kinda like working for Uncle Sugar…once you are in,,,you really never get out

          Ca piece (Understand)


        2. Timothy,
          People being beat up by cops, anti-cops, mafia,associating with criminals. What on earth are you talking about? Is this your experience that lends your opinions on DC. I know a fair amount of “law enforcement” and the majority of them do a good job. They never know if they will come home that day because of the job they all do. Whose job do you know of that lives in ??? if I will be killed tonight.

          How do you comment with no personal experience? Tell that to the fallen officers families, I know of this from personal experience. The Mafia Really?

          There are bad cops (jerks) just as there are good cops. They have an extremely stressful job. I want you to remember how glad you are when “you” need them. I will agree that statistically there are issues with anger, which I am not going to talk about here. If they have control issues, just who do you think should be in control?

          1. Excuse me, BTOV?

            I said I appreciate the police and I think they’re necessary. Nowhere did I say anything to the contrary. Nor did I recommend running to Mafia for help.

            I looked at different sides:

            *how there are some nasty ones among cops

            *another one: how propagandists take advantage of that and paint most, if not all cops as bad, selectively distorting data for their (propagandists’) purposes.

            I’d ask “Really?” in return, but you may have confused my post for that of Teresa. Where are you viewing these comments from, BTOV, btw?

            If that was the case(that you confused Teresa’s post for mine), I still think you’ve misinterpreted Teresa’s comment. She simply gave her life experience relating to Mafia and how once one gets in one never gets out. That’s why many people don’t want to get in with Mafia. Teresa’s Capice gives the needed weight to that.

            Being able to trust police is important. If we don’t trust the police, who do we trust?

            Did this clear things up?

  9. Suzi,

    I do not hate cops, military or EMTs. We need them and they need us. That is what gets forgotten. Unfortunately it is very hard to determine who are the good guys and who are not on both sides of the fence. It is not black and white. They need to respect us just as much as we need to respect them.

    As far as how confrontational I want to get it really comes down to how dangerous it is to allow someone to think one will not fight. Like the lady next door. She had to bite first and I did not engage. So she knows that her bite does not scare me. If I had got in an argument with her and that is what she likes to do…then we would most likely still be fighting. She is that kind of person. Always fighting. You can tell by what she says of the phone and how loud she is. Probably had to fight growing up and now it is a life style.

    I could have done the same thing but decided to go another route. But like I said…I grew up rough and I can handle myself. That being said, I am not ghetto and I do not like to fight and with the ex it was one fight after another. He loved it. I did not and it wore me down. Big time. And that is what he wanted.

    I don’t like to fight at work either, but, as you know, I had a middle eastern man, because I challenged his not doing any heavy lifting of the end of the day clean up he threatened me four times that I did not respect him. This is the kind of guy that if he could he would wrap a stone around my neck and throw me in the pool to do an honor killing since “I don’t respect him.” So do I challenge people like this. Yes. Because if I did not he would have continued to harass me and all the people around me that I work with just looked on and pretended they were not involved.

    So, I am a lone wolf when it comes to standing up to someone. I am kinda like my little Jack Russell…she thinks she is a Rotweiler….well, maybe I do too.

    Oh, and I stand up for other people too. I just do not look on and since it ain’t happening to me its not my problem. Nope that is not me.

    Love and love again,

    I am going to walk the dog…


    1. TeresaK.
      I think you handled it very well on all fronts!!!!!
      You thought fast on your toes and objectively. Short and sweet and left no openings. Not to say they wont try again, but it will make them think? They like easy prey. I am encouraged you made some great judgement calls.

  10. Timothy,

    My take away from my experience with the cop is that what I learned from it that he could have been a plumber. The point is his temper, which was unbridled. And he used it to intimidate me and he did a pretty good job. So it was the experience of the man not necessarily that he was a cop. What does enter into it is that since he happens to be a cop I am at a big disadvantage if this were to escalate like it did with my ex. I had the cops at my door two times and I am forever grateful.

    They scared the ex good enough that he left me alone (well sorta). He still screamed, hollered and stole our savings (which prompted me to file for divorce immediately so that he could not transfer the money to his country of origin for which he was a dual citizen of this country and his country of origin) whew! That was a run on sentence!

    Where would I go for help?! The mafia? So, there you go and I have not seen him around so he is laying low…up to this point he made sure he was around when he knew I was walking the dog.

    So good….I am sure he is laying low until the gossip dies down. Although I have not told a soul on this property. No one to tell that doesn’t thing he is god.


  11. Anger and manipulation – what i have learned is that the CD will PRETEND to be angry to intimidate, using it as a weapon when confronted. Once I knew this about the STBX our “arguments” went to a whole new level, with me not backing down. Of course this isn’t always the case – you got to know who you’re dealing with.

  12. TeresaK,

    “Unfortunately it is very hard to determine who the good guys are and who are not on both sides of the fence. It is not black and white.”

    I agree, it’s not as simple as black and white. As I said it’s scary because they look normal when they are behind their mask.

    “This is the kind of guy that if he could he would wrap a stone around my neck and throw me in the pool to do an honor killing”

    I had a similar encounter – he came back to cut my head off. A few of my dogs went after him, two got injured. The dogs ended up scaring the heck out of him – he ran off. They don’t like animals – they eat dogs. Anyhow that’s a story for another day.

    The point is – we have to choose our battles wisely. Some aren’t worth the energy and stress and some are outright dangerous. I think it was E a while back that told of her neighbors being extremely nasty and doing stuff to her dogs. I can’t remember exactly. Anyhow it was a good warning to be on guard because nasty, spiteful neighbors can do a lot of serious damage. And likely near to impossible to prove and prosecute.

    Yea it’s time for my dogs to go outside also – so I’ve got to get on duty and Hawk watch.

    I’ve said it so many times – these predators just don’t give up and they don’t back down. That’s exactly what the character disordered are – predators, takers. Just like the hawk!

    I have several dogs – two are chorkies – 7lbs – smallest and yet the most vicious watch dogs I’ve ever had. If that guy comes back again I’m sure they’ll kill his socks!

  13. Suzi and all,

    I love the idea of very small dogs being a real threat!

    I asked someone once about my Jack Russell because I was clueless about the dog. When I was married the ex really wanted a dog…kinda to get another to supplant the one that was taken from him and his father got the dog. Well, we don’t know the story anyhoo.

    The dog was small, malnourished, scared, not supposed to have been in the truck to go to PetSmart, BUT as these things happen she went home with us and I became her caretaker. Yes, I am still the Alpha but she is a man’s dog. Period. I may be her everything but she will always gravitate to a man…the little hussy!

    OK the point about her. I asked someone that knew about dogs (police dog trainer) and I asked him whether she could hurt someone. I was that unknowable. He just said…Jack Russell’s start at the ankles and work themselves up!

    So, never underestimate the power behind a cute black nose and big brown eyes..those teeth go all the way back.

    Oh, and once they are done with the socks, there will be no socks. Or ankles or private parts. My Jack only one time did the security dog full. Someone was outside my door trying to bust it in. It was my neighbor. That is a story for another time, however, my Jack went total security and kept throwing herself against the door at about 6 foot from the floor. I believe that dog would have gone for the neck. She knew where it was and she was trying to get to it from a closed and locked door. I could not see who it was but I knew and so did she.

    Well, I will never be able to say it was my next door neighbor trying to mess with me but he moved out the VERY NEXT MORNING to another apartment on the complex. The building that he moved to wrote a letter to corporate that said if you do not evict this tenant will do such and such. He all of a sudden said he bought a house and disappeared except that he called and told the sales consultant that he was changing his name to Cinnamon Blaze. Lord, I did not mean to give all this detail but it is a hoot!

    Thank god for my dog!

    Love Love



    1. TheresaK,
      Wow, You are living on the edge. The little rescue I got turns out to be mainly a German Spitz. Its like he has super radar hearing and starts barking himself silly. That’s all I need to know, which is somebody is there. He is 23 lbs and a beautiful sable color, oh, but the hair.

      I haven’t found anyone to take him that I feel comfortable with. He is a real sweetheart and so affectionate, its hard for me to let him go. When I got him from the kennel where someone tied him up, he weighed 18lbs, and was I am guessing 10 months old. (he still squatted) He went at a 100lb dog and bit it in the nose. Talk about fearless, the little stinker really puts up a fuss for a little guy.

      The neighbors have a Jack Russell, about 10 lbs, who barks and bites, it gives one just enough time to grab your fry pan and hit an aggressor over the head.

      I am considering a German Shepard service dog that is also trained for protection. I live in a fairly decent area, but as we all know the quality of humankind has a lot to be desired in any area. The corporate snakes in suits are by far the worst as far as I am concerned.

      Take very good care TheresaK

      1. BTOV

        You aren’t going to give your little one the Spitz to the shelter are you

        If you are and I hope you are not but there are options…like no kill shelters an the like.


        1. Theresa,
          I should had been clearer. I take rescues, the hunting breeds. There was an ad last year on Craigs list reading “Please somebody take him or he will be euthanized by Animal Control. I drove 250 miles round trip to get him. I promised the woman I would find a good home for him and would keep him myself if I didnt.

          The little varmit, was just a baby, so sweet and cute, sure, while I was driving he sunk those little fangs in the console of car. Then, to find out he chews everything, pees, poops, barks and has severe separation anxiety and has his boy parts. Did he drive me nuts the first few weeks.

          On the hour, out the door, you have to stay in every room with them and watch them closely. Big sigh, that little stinker would rock the kennel crate and move it across the floor he would bang back and forth, hating to have to go in it when I left.

          Today, he still has separation anxiety, will not leave me out of his site. He hops up on the bed and snuggles me but prefers to sleep on the floor. He lets me know when he has to go out, never chews except a slipper when he wants attention. I rarely put him in his crate now, rather, I put his bed in the kitchen and block it off. He loves rides and weather permitting take him along.

          Right now he is perched at the end of the bed. I have had company and he will bark and sit at my feet. He will not even eat if I am not in the same room. He went for 36 hours without eating because I wasnt in the room, I now go to another room, and put his food within eye shot of the next room.

          He didn’t even know the word sit when I got him. Whoever, had him was kind to him, it was in the upscale part of a major metropolitan
          city. I figured whomever, owned him, had no idea what the beautiful little ball of furs needs would encompass. Anyway, if the right home comes along, ??????? He sure is dedicated and pushy, loyal and I couldn’t ask for better company.

          Yes, he has made me rather happy, he really asks for so very little. He just sits and waits for me and leaves gobs of fur balls everywhere. The cutest thing about him is his tail. Its like a plume, google the Spitz once, he is reddish brown and white striped. His face reminds me of a little fox, but the tail, its so feminine and he is all guy. believe me he like his tail too.

          I have a doctor of mine that may want him, but then, I dont know if I can part with him. If I do he will be insured a good home. Days that I am not well he lies right by my side or at the foot of the bed on the floor. He dosn’t ask for anything much, except I take him out, he just waits. So much love and devotion, but then there are so many like him that need a home.

          The only thing bad he sheds gobs of hair even if I brush him every day.
          The happiness he has given me in return is immense. My compact guard dog. I am glad you have found so much joy and happiness in your pets too.


      2. BTOV,

        I have had German Sheperd Dogs for over 20 years. Love, love, love the breed! They make excellent service dogs as you know. I would highly advise thinking twice before getting one trained for protection for the following reasons:

        1. The courts view protection trained dogs differently and view them more as a weapon so legal issues if your dog would bite are greater and as a service dog your risk would be increased.

        2. GSD’s are naturally protective and tend to be bullies and have higher natural aggression levels making them excellent dogs to guard herds. They need a lot of social training and bonding to the owner, nature will take care if the rest if you are threatened.

        3. Protection training and service training are in conflict with one another in some of the social aspects and you would want your dogs focus on ‘serving’ you versus looking for threats to protect you.

        4. Protection training changes their personality, they’re more aloof and less of warm, caring companions as well as more reactive.

        GSD’s are warm, loving, dignified and often goofy in private. My Lucy is the sweetest thing and people are constantly commenting on her warm and soft eyes. She is also eager to socialize and visit with people. But she is FIERCE when she determines a threat. It’s so shocking to see my laid back couch potato blow up twice her size, stamp her feet, and snarl so viciously it raises the hair on the back of my neck. It hasn’t happened often but after seeing that I have no doubt she’ll do serious harm to a real threat.

  14. In my small town we have a police department with cops specially trained to deal with mentally ill people. I have had to call on them several times – my son is mentally ill. When I called I would specifically ask for the special team. They were a God send. What could have resulted in violence would end peacefully. They really knew how to handle the unique situations. I was very fortunate to have had them to call and work with our family situations and I Am Grateful for what they’ve done. I apologize for talking down and disrespecting a group of people who have helped me tremendously.

    1. Lucy,

      I haven’t gotten any impression of disrespect towards cops in your posts. If you encounter a badly acting policeman and tell about it, that doesn’t make anyone anti-cop and you shouldn’t let anyone tell you that.

      If this relates to my post, then please understand I didn’t mean to call you anti-cop. You haven’t come across that at all in any way. You may not be the only one, who misread my post.

      I wanted to bring up how badly acting cops can make the rest look bad, too. There are also people, who encourage people to generalize all or most cops as bad cops. Some of those people actually believe their own press.

      It’s clear you appreciate the help police can give. So do I. Where would we be without them? Dangerous situations ending peacefully give a huge sense of relief. It’s great that you’ve received such help in times of need.

      1. Timothy,

        Thank you,

        I think you have said it so well about cops and anyone that would lend a hand. Dangerous situations. So well said.

        Again, with all the love in the world for those that help us…whoever we might be, a cop, a librarian, a grocer, a taxi driver, a woman with a child… we have us and I agree, that there are those among us that don’t want what we want.

        I need to sleep now. This has been a very strong and difficult admission. Talking about my growing up with the Mafia which was very loving and just a bunch of kids doing what kids do….yes there was a dark side but I just did not see it for the longest time. Probably because we all just made it OK because what happened up the street or down the street or in my own home did not really matter just so no one knew. We were all still trying to survive. Some of us better than others. Some of us just took care of the others with not that much but a bit of food, kids playing, the Mafia making sure I was safe and was my sister and brother.

        I am tired. It is sometimes hard to remember.


    2. Lucy
      During many of the episodes I have had to deal with the CD in my life, law enforcement was critical and they were always more than understanding and helpful. When I have been in need I have called the locals who have come and helped on their time off. I know there are ones out there just like Theresa mentioned. I also know there are many good ones that dont ever return home.

      I was going to save this story for another time, but the neighbor on the corner is a retired officer. After retirement took another job, he was so glad to have retired because he had almost been killed several times. The story isn’t really about him being an officer except I was glad he was and lived there.

      In fact I got to know him because I am friendly and would say hi when he walked his dog with his son past my home. He was kind enough out of all the neighbors to offer help if I needed it when the other neighbors didnt. Last week walking past I said hi and asked if his son was still interested in mowing my lawn. He said I am not sure my wife is divorcing me and I dont know why.

      He said I give her everything, she has never had to work, the home is beautiful worth a 1/2 mil, nice kids, boats, a new car every 4 years, anything she wanted. I dont understand, she has been working out 3 hours a day at the gym, she is 9 years younger, perhaps shes having a midlife crisis. He said, she wont go to counseling, she has it all figured out with her lawyer everything she is entitled too.

      The next day, my tractor gets stuck on the hill in my yard and I need a push the tires are spinning. No other neighbor around, so I go to see if the neighbor or his son would help me. Who comes to the door the wife and she insists on helping me he is not home. Well I got her side of the story.

      The whole story about his jobs and income, his working all the time, he is to old for her, he is a great father and husband but he works all the time and doesn’t talk enough. She talks nonstop, rattling a mile a minute about what she wasn’t getting. I then suggested counseling which she said was to late, it was his fault he knew it was coming.

      Well the next day during the day she was still moving out and guess who was helping? Yep, her boyfriend, what do you know? I can’t imagine who the CD is here. She even went so far as to go to a psychiatrist for reinforcement that it was him who was the problem and not her. Everything is just fine with her, its him, he is to strict and yada, yada, yada.

      I saw him when he talked with his sons, laughing and talking. She even admitted what a good father he is but in the next sentence was lying. She had no idea who she was talking to and the experience I have had. Clearly, it is her, how sad for the children. At the same time this nervy CD is telling me what good friends we should be.

      After, what we have gone through it becomes second nature to smell the rat, and if I don’t smell a rat right away which I usually do there is always something very disturbing, something I sense is wrong and just cant put my finger on it, but I know its there. Sure enough one little lie after another comes out or when one knows the truth and the CD leaves out or forgets you know the truth.

      I am sure there will be more stories coming from down the road. The mans father lies dying in the hospital while all this is going on. The other thing the woman commented on was she felt bad for me and my divorce. Right, the worst thing I hate is when someone has the nerve to comment on something they have no idea about, like she really knew how I felt the CD thing. Like she really cared, you wonder, but then I do, what sneaky agenda the CD have in their minds.

      I hope I made sense I know I rattled and didn’t proof.

  15. Well, the cops always got free pizza and beer at the pizza place.
    And when mom lost her job of 30 years she got a job at the pizza place. for awhile

    it was all about family sorta capice

  16. Charlie,

    Him reading Dr. Simon’s books and quoting from them, yikes. That would creep me out. You must be worn out.

      1. Charlie,
        It will get worse, so be prepared,it won’t be easy. Thank you for your input on the dog. I was in the position you are and all the answers are in Dr. Simons writings. Whatever, you do, do not educated him it will only brighten him up and he may up the ante.

        There is a saying Living Life Well is the Best Revenge. I know it is difficult when one is so exhausted. That is exactly why the CD are referred to as Emotional Vampires. Its more like a cancer that has to be removed and irradiated constantly to make sure the disease doesn’t come back.

        Keep posting and don’t get stuck in over thinking the CD. I learned the hard way, they are who they are and what you see is what you get.

        I believe it will get worse after he leaves, the CD do not like to be dumped, so to speak. Have you hired an attorney yet?

      2. Charlie
        I hope you know what’s in your best interest before you are too worn down, sick, out of energy and hope. You cannot fix this man. You’ve got to save yourself. Please keep posting

    1. Lucy,

      Yikes. What I’ve noticed is that a fighter can interpret others’ motivations similar to what they hold.

      For example, years ago at a workplace I had to know this man. When confronted about doing a shoddy job or subtly sabotaging others’ work or plain being a hindrance, he’d respond in some manner where he tried to make it sound like he was being treated unfairly. “What, you’re blaming me?” “What am I suddenly in the cross-hairs?” “I do this and this and this and you come out to harass me like this?!” “I don’t need this kind of s**T. Please stop disturbing my work with this bulls**t.” Some of those could simply be attributed to rudeness or responding poorly when pissed with criticism, but all things considered I noticed the certain pattern. So it wasn’t just some isolated incidents. And I knew many people, who could respond poorly under stress or have many different incidents where they weren’t at their best and they weren’t dishonest fighters.

      This man did gossip about others, making untrue, unfounded accusations of their character. Most of it was dismissed quickly, though, because many men simply liked to shoot the wind and gossip for passing time. I’m not talking about that form of game-playing, though.

      There were times, when he was supposed to do his ration of work and he failed to perform appropriately or he was somewhere else with some kind of excuse. When confronted, he’d respond to this effect and once even said this outright: “Stop playing the victim, okay?”

      Ever noticed something similar?

      1. Timothy
        I’ve experienced similar coworker full of excuses, lies, counterattacks, on and on. Playing victim, spreading lies, all that. That type of coworker is disrespected by all, everyone knows their game. They are a pain in the butt.

      2. Such a person can respond to others as if they operate from the same motivations as an irresponsible fighter does. Indeed that happens. Has the soon-to-be-ex-husband done that? I suspect the response might be affirmative.

        1. He fights like an immature idiot, not like a grown man. He misfires, redirects, accuses, answers questions with a question, uses every evasive tactic he can and comes out looking like a blubbering idiot.

        2. I don’t wonder why you’ve got a low opinion of him. I’d have, too. It’s great you’ve gotten distance from him that you want and need. Also, sorry about the co-worker you had to deal with, too. While manipulators can fool enough people enough of the time, it sounds like that in that co-worker’s case, people saw through him. Perhaps it’s how instinctually some signals can come.

          What you said also brought some thoughts.

          Redirecting, answering questions with counter-questions and avoiding answering questions can, IMHO, be used to non-sinister, non-malicious effect by ordinary people. For example, if someone asks you(as in general, rhetorical you, but you can also apply to yourself, of course) a question about some mistake you’ve made that you suspect is intended to insult, provoke or just jab because an asker can’t handle their feelings maturely, you can choose to avoid a question. Sometimes you may seem and feel wiser for doing so.

          1. Timothy and All

            The STBX is (was – disbarred now) an attorney. He knows how to answer a question. And I work in the court system, I know what evading a question is. He must really think I’m stupid.
            I came to this site because I had turmoil over trying to figure out what had happened in my marriage. This blog has brought me much needed advice and support.
            I no longer love, want or need the STBX. I actually hate him. Yeah, I said it, I hate him.
            I no longer converse with him. I read the occasional email but I need to no read any of them. They are insulting.
            Anyone in an abusive, manipulative marriage or relationship needs to just get out of it. They don’t change. They don’t get better. They get worse. They will make one sick. Life stealers. Leaches. Low life scum. They offer nothing except maybe a paycheck.

          2. Lucy’
            Glad you are not reading the emails, the CD is trying to pull you back into the loop with them. If you have to answer, forget all the garbage and answer just the question. Don’t tell him what he needs to do, he already does, he doesn’t want too..

            When on eludes a direct question about truth they are hiding something.

  17. Well, did I say he would lay low.

    No I was wrong. In the last 24 hours he has pa-trolled past my apartment twice that I know of. Today, when I was walking the dog and he just kept to a quiet distance (2-3 ft) behind me that I did not know he was there. That was today. When I moved to go into my own path that is a cement walk that leads to my apartment. He cruised past me very very slowly. I knew he was there, then, but not before. He is good, very very good. He must have put it into neutral for me not to hear him since he was so close. But these cars they have are made to be so very silent.

    That is why I will not date a cop.


    1. So is he the apartment complex security guard? Is it normal for him to cruise by all the apartment? It’s creepy that he was “following” you so closely. Crap. I don’t know how to handle such a situation.

  18. Lucy,

    One just continues to ignore.

    He is angry at me. So let him be angry. He knows I have money and I know way to much about him.

    What he knows about me will not hurt me.

    Fuck him.

    Sure, he wants contact with me….will not get it. That is where my upbringing comes into play. I grew up rough. So, am I scared. Not really. At first. Sure. But no more. There is only so much he can do without others knowing. Already signaled those that would need to know if I got hurt.

    My take. He went ballistic and he either wants to ease into a “we really don’t want to remember this do we?” or “I am still trying to keep you safe blah blah blah.” Which are both lies, again. For him, it would be best that I conveniently want to just not remember. Why is he pa-trolling me. Well, he can. He’ll get over it. He knows he fucked up big time. And he still likes me. Do I like him. No.

    Sure, he can say again and again that he has a duty to patrol the grounds where I live. I could never ever prove that he is pa-trolling me. That is why is it so easy for him to do so. Maybe I will wave at him the next time. But no. Ignore at all possible.

    Anyway. His job is going away and he has to be very bery careful not be bring up an investigation right now. His health and age and the fact that his boss has retired and his new boss is new. No more thin blue line.


      1. Thanks BTOV for asking.
        I am doing good. Bit busy with few things, so just keeping up with posts & comments.

        1. Hey, Andy.

          Curious, how long you been divorced from your ex-wife again? Has she tried to cause trouble for you in any way or do you have suspicions that might be the case?

          1. Timothy,

            I haven’t filed for divorce yet, so there is a small chance that sanity prevails. However, once I file for divorce, I do not intend to withdraw… there is no point in letting a woman in the house who stops lying only when her neck is placed at guillotine.

            She is going to cause big problems in divorce. I am looking at minimum 3-4 years with lots of running around.

            My current problem is to keep my “well-wishing” enablers at bay. I think I wasted at least 3 years due to my “advisers”, otherwise I would have pinned her to her bad behavior long time back, and things would have fallen apart or corrected that time.

  19. Andy D
    It always helps to have the input of others and especially the viewpoint from the men’s perspective. I am glad you are well.

  20. Andy said: “well-wishing” enablers “advisers”

    It’s been my experience that the enablers, sympathizers, passive know-it-alls – whatever there’re called – cause real serious problems, adding enormous fuel to the fire.

    “If we can erode the ability of abusers to gain allies, they will stand alone, and alone they are easier to stop.” (Lundy Bancroft)

    1. Suzi,
      So very true, exactly, what happened with the CD I know, they were able to regroup and compose themselves enough always to continue with their dirty deeds. What happens next can be interesting, some of them choose the schizoid route. They are functional but at the same time delusional in their own heads, they live by what they determine is reality and everyone else is wrong.

      I believe this is where the crazy making really gets extreme, they believe a confabulated lie, their lie. Do gooders, enablers, will feel sorry for them in this state believing they are so wounded and further help the lie.

      It is so sad, when I have to have any contact with the CD it is what books describe as demonic. If you go to the movies and watch some of these movies they have portrayed the individual as demon possessed. I wonder if this is where the movie makers get their scripts from, a true experience with one of the CD or the Bible.

      I have a older brother, sister, the older they get the worse they act in the childish fashions they did when they were younger.. Its something to watch, because I remember the same behavior displayed by them as a child.

      Of everything they do they still refuse to take ownership of their inner stuff… They act like children, that is why they look so ridiculously nuts, a elderly person acting like a toddler.

      I am grateful that I can see and own my C flaws, accept them, work on them. change, sometimes a splintered or broken spoke in the wheel but nonetheless, I am willing to take admonishment and change.

  21. TeresaK: “Cinnamon Blaze”

    What kind of name is that for a man? Gee, it sounds like something I’d concoct in my frying pan.

    TeresaK: “I love the idea of very small dogs being a real threat!”

    My two really are excellent watch dogs. I’ve had every imaginable size, shape and temperament dog and no matter what flavor they’ve come in they have all been super-duper great. Although these two 7 pounders have been so much better for me at my stage in life. A big difference in work load and cost of food. Another advantage is transporting them to the vet is a lot easier. When I have then all in the car at once it’s like the circus has come to town. They wear cat collars with bells because they are so tiny I was afraid I’d step on them by accident. Gee, they aren’t much bigger than a flea.

    BTOV: “How many dogs do you have?”

    Six dogs [only 2 are 7lbs] & 6 cats.

    BTOV: “You have your whole family don’t you.”

    I have my husband and two children that live in other parts of the country. The elders have passed away.

    BTOV: “I am telling you we old ladies need to all retire in a retirement village together, we would have a blast.”

    I don’t think we’d be accepted in a retirement village – no pets allowed. We’d have to retire at a zoo.

    Have you noticed that dog is God spelled backwards?

    Oh yea, one more thing – I exercised yesterday – talk about gratitude – I’m thankful for hand railings!

    1. Suzi,
      Unfortunately, yes the whole family is nuts, one of the major noticeable problems with them is they are stuck in the past. Even as adults they are like talking with adolesant 12 year old in maturity. Devious buggers too. Even the disabled sis will revert to her old manipulative ways.

      The only one that is doing well is my Mom and she has distanced herself from them.. They blame and dislike me even more because I inform my Mom what they are doing, thus, they can’t manipulate her any more. I always tell her if you feel uncomfortable, tell them goodbye. If you feel someone is not treating you with dignity and respect, “hang up or don’t open the door.”

      Everything is in my name and they are all angry, I tell my mother to spend it or leave it to the church. I took care of my Dad for a year before he died. Not one of them came to see him, when he died they all showed up for the funeral and the reading of the will. I had my Dad leave whatever, was left, very little to the church and the pastor who took care of him too.

      They were all livid, my Mom warns me they all are against me, angry, whatever, I could care less. I am not afraid of any of them, they are such fools. I don’t talk with any of them. The sad thing is is that they all reproduce dysfunction, you the generational sin.

      I have one dog and he can be a real pain, look at what a German Spitz (23lbs) ooks like. Oh’ the hair. He is a sweetheart though. I would rather have the company of my dog than that of the CD’s. Its nice we found camaraderie here with some of us and that is nice. I will say I am still upset about the Troll SusieQ, there are ones that still sneak in and hopefully, we can weed them out. The truth is usually in the words they use just like the linkJoey so kindly posted and then it is in their stories.

      Yes, Suzi, I think it would be be a blast to have a community where we all could live. Actually, it would work, seeing the understanding we all have we would work together as a community and family. We would be some crazy old gals and have the laugh of our lives and we didn’t have to makeup a thing.

      I just got done cutting a acre of lawn on the tractor and am going to see if I can get some more done. It looks like storms though. I am not sure of the weekend, are you going to be home? Most likely, I will be , we can share some good stories? Perhaps Theresa will be around too. Suzi, I thought you said you worked late I know some of your posts were very early in the morning or am I wrong?

      Till later dear one and God bless.

  22. Oh boy, I did a 180 after discussing the breakup with the cop with his friend of 22 years and she convinced me to call him and try to patch things up.

    Well, I did and it was an unmitigated disaster.

    I called his private cell and he answered (knowing it was me). I told him that I had talked with his friend and he had another hissy fit about my speaking with her about us, told me that he did not find me attractive, that it was about the alcohol (but he would not give any detail) and yes I do drink and have drank before speaking to him on the phone.

    And that he never wants me to call him ever again.

    This has been such a tug of war with this man I am more than grateful it is really over now.

    And yes his friend did tell me that he has a temper and a lot of people “kiss his ass” her words not mine.

    But what I just do not understand is that if he does not want to talk to me and it is over for him why does he keep answering the phone. He knows its me. Are we dealing with a narcissist here and just gets off on having hissy fits and telling me he doesn’t want to see me. Does he get off on this. I guess he does.

    Well, live and learn.

    Can’t help but think he answered the phone just to kick me again. What is up with this guy?


    1. But what I just do not understand is that if he does not want to talk to me and it is over for him why does he keep answering the phone. He knows its me.

      He is Probably Lying by Distortion. He wants you to believe what he is saying. My the mother did it to me my entire life. ” I want your space and not your company” She would tell me. ” I am getting rid of you” There’s the door, Forget were to come will yer” Lying by distortion. A very cunning tactic. To feed you with BS in order to manipulate your emotions AND PERCEPTIONS.

      I suspect he could be saying nasty things behind your back. Every time you call “It is call logged” he can show AND PROVE YOU HAVE CALLED. This is what happened to me. I can only give you my own experience.

      why does he keep answering the phone. It is position of power. You wish to speak to the supreme being. Please see the link. She is very good. she explains about the GAME that DS’s play.

      1. Joey,
        Very interesting I will watch later. I really appreciate you sharing all these sites you find, I otherwise, would not have the time to search them out.

        Are you experiencing more of a winter where you are at?

    2. TheresaK,
      Perhaps, the friend told him you talked together. On the other hand and I don’t know all the facts, he may be building a record of your calls and turn the tables and say you are harassing him. Be careful!

  23. Yes, Zoey and BTOV,

    Saying I am harassing him has crossed my mind. But it seems rather silly since he is this big macho cop and I am a small woman without any criminality in my background, not even a parking ticket!

    But I will call him no more. Anyway, there would have to be a heck of a lot more calls for him to try to arrest me for harassing him. Also, I have a record of each call he made to me….so until the last few days the calls were back and forth. Plus the calls are recorded and timed. So it shows that he talked to me.


    1. TheresaK
      That all may be well and good. The problem is he can say whatever, he wants, others can gang up against you. Its your word agains his and perhaps, another. That is why my mother warned me against my siblings, I don’t go any where around them. Fortunately, they have already proved themselves untrustworthy. It you are the one accused the way the law goes is you must prove yourself not at fault. The burden falls on you and then it can come down to credibility. Size doesn’t matter either.

      In this case I would say it is a mutual, continuing, conversation between two adults. I would stay as far from him as possible.. People can lie up a storm and we know the CDD can manufacture lies faster than you can breathe. You don’t want to find yourself in a position of wanting or having to move. Ugly people can do nasty things. You be careful now. (Hugs)

      1. It you are the one accused the way the law goes is you must prove yourself not at fault. The burden falls on you and then it can come down to credibility. Size doesn’t matter either.

        You put it perfectly. That is what happenen to me .She had me arrested with the brothers grimes help. Just at the point I was leaving. Then I gave up though in the towel. The first time in my life, I had with my the mother.

        This is Why I post on this site Dr simon. Page 144 Sheep’s Clothing. It put me onto a MUCH BETTER PATH. MY LIFE HAS DRAMATICALLY IMPROVED SINCE I HAVE GONE NO CONTACT. I purchased my own home. Which I informed the mother and her grime that I had done. ENVY OR WHAT. I got SCREEMED AT. by the grand daughter, YOUR JEALOUS OF ME. When I had told them, Yada yada yada YADA BYYEEE. They hate those words good bye. 6th June 2016 will be 1yr no-contact.

        1. Joey,

          Congratulations on the upcoming anniversary! This is an important accomplishment. I’m so glad for you that your life has seen a dramatic improvement. It’s a hard thing to do, no contact, so seeing clear improvements is so validating and rewarding, don’t you think?

        2. Joey,
          Regardless, of everything, saying goodbye is liberating. They were angry, “How Dare Joey Live His Own Life.” They are in shock too, that you, a nothing to them, had the courage and audacity to rebel and leave. Then on top of it How dare you even enjoy yourself.

          I have been told many times “Living Life Well Is The Best Revenge.”
          I know how difficult it was for you. I took one last look, said goodbye and left. It was very difficult to do but I did it. Another good word is “NO” this word above any has immense power.

          Looking back is a mistake, it should only be used as a reminder. Keep your eyes fixed on the here and now and keep moving straight ahead. Yes, they are extremely envious that you laugh and feel joy, something they are incapable of. They would steal your joy and soul in a heartbeat.

          Joey, with these kind, if it were possible to lure you in, they will destroy you. I don’t care how people describe these inhuman aliens, they are the epitome of evil.

          I am so glad you have “Your” own home to do whatever you want with. It is a beautiful feeling to be able to get to know yourself, who you are deep inside without the influence, rejection and correction of someone else imposing their will upon you.

          Regardless, of all the pain and yes, sorrow, suffering and rejection we are now FREE! In the end You had the last word and they can’t stand it. You have been an encouragement to all.
          (((((Hugs and Blessings)))))
          I am going to take up Skeet!

  24. Zoey,

    Thank you for the YouTube pod cast.

    My take away is that I could be the poster child for predatory psycopaths

    1. extreme high degree of empathy
    2. extreme high degree of loyalty
    3. blind trust
    4. high degree of cooperation

    All these things make me out to be a chump. But no. They are qualities that just need to be toned down and for which my experience with the ex has helped. Case in point….the cop. It took me eight years to finally pull the plug on the marriage because the truth came pouring in once I just became so fatigued with one lie and another rage attack that I crawled into myself and found myself again. With the cop it took one month and I dumped him for his rage attack.

    It is funny, but to the world I seem to be such a strong person…maybe I am NOW. But I needed a life time to find my strength in personal relationships.

    Thank you Zoey, it makes a lot of sense.

    And Charlie, what you said about being attracted to high powered, can lift tall buildings to save me etc. is very close to my true also. Familiarity never really resonated too strongly with me. Maybe some but no….I was looking for someone that could save me from my family….unfortunately I did not know that on a conscious level.

    But I do now.


    Teresa K

    1. Teresa,

      I don’t think having the qualities of empathy, loyalty, trust and cooperation makes you a chump. I believe those qualities make you a good person. I also believe those qualities are the same qualities that disordered characters want to possess. As they are unwilling or unable to earn those qualities, they’ll access them from another.

      I also don’t think being empathetic, loyal, trusting and cooperative need to be toned down or lessened; I believe we have to remember there are those that want those qualities for themselves who do not possess those qualities and be cautious when meeting and learning who new people really are. How that actually gets accomplished, I have no idea. Hopefully, we can support each other while we figure it out. 🙂

      I’m glad you found the comparison to finding a sense of safety with people who appear confident but actually are aggressive helpful. I’m not sure I would describe it as being “saved” as much as being partnered with someone to help offset or bring balance to our vulnerabilities. Perhaps I’m idealistic or a romantic but I still think marriage should be a partnership where both partners help to provide balance and strength to each other.

      I’m so sorry you’ve had such a difficult time with the cop. He really is a jerk and not worth a minute of your time. I find it quite disheartening to run into these disordered characters over and over again. I can only imagine how you’re feeling. Be well and be kind to yourself. Disordered people are very good at engendering good impressions. It may be one of the only things they’re really good at.

  25. BTOV,

    Often time life entails backing away from toxic families. Generational sins can engulf so many within the family and go back many generations that it becomes necessary to back away from the entire family. Your Mother’s understanding is a blessing – she gets it.

    You know all too well that we can plant seeds in others but they must take the responsibility to water them. We plant the seeds and then we need to get out of God’s way. They must take the leap of faith. We leave them in the hands of their chosen higher source.

    It’s not easy, although He never promised us a rose garden. Job is an example of terrible things happening to a good person.

    As for demon possession; missionaries certainly have chilling stories to tell. They are believable. Although man does not need to be possessed to do the most wicked, deplorable and unimaginable things. As for where movie makers get their scripts – probably from undesirable sources. You can’t trust movies instead go to the Book to find your answers. Always beware of false prophets, let the Book guide you.

    In my situation, yes they can function. Although emotionally they are stuck in an early age mode – a whopping blind spot. Perhaps it’s similar to being color blind – a person who cannot see colors does not know that color is missing. Unless they are willing you’ll never convince them otherwise. The character disordered seem to have no emotional frame of reference or comprehension.

    Your mention of the schizoid route – they sure do have a way of getting caught up in some kind of spaced out placed, a deep dark hole. I find it terrifying. Our safety must come first.

    And funerals – that’s a sight to be seen. They gather and put on such a show although are nowhere in sight during the last days of care taking. It’s all about greed and money = blood money.

    I often wonder what it would be like to live in a normal family. I’m beginning to think that there is no such thing as a normal family. We can’t really define normal. About the only thing in my life that is normal is the setting on my dryer.

    No, I do not work. Those days are of my past. You possibly got me mixed up with the troll. I was concerned that there would be a mix up because of our similar names.

    As for my middle of the night comments – well that’s my poor sleep habits. Doc’s call it poor sleep hygiene, I call it old age.

    1. Suzi,
      I never got you mixed up with the troll SusyQ, she was so off the wall and I couldn’t say much of anything because she had infiltrated and fooled the others until Lucy caught it. I had thought of you often. You have a completely different thought process than the other Susy, so don’t give it another thought.
      I hardly conversed she was so off the wall. You are very logical and thought provoking. Besides sisters know sisters, so glad your back.

      I thought perhaps you worked second shift and posted late or live in Europe where several posters are located. I can’t sleep either, pain always seems to get worse at night too. Everything you said is so true. At church a missionary spoke of the practicing of Voodoo in Africa. Reminded me of the CD because it is a fear based practice.

      Yes, I am so glad to be away from my family of origin, I would rather be alone with my little faithful dog. If I wasn’t so unsure of my future and maybe relocating I would fence in my yard and have a few more fur balls, they love so unconditionally.

      You take care Kindred Spirit and yes, always the Book.

  26. BTOV,

    Why fence in your whole yard? How about fencing in a smaller area at the exit door – dependent on the size needed. That’s what I did and got rid of the grass – put in a rock garden [small to medium size pebbles] with potted plants for some color. It’s almost maintenance free. That’s another advantage to smaller dogs they don’t need large yards; they get most of their exercise in the house.

  27. Suzi,
    I have over and acre and the way my house and outbuildings are situated it would work. I need access to my house via vehicles and that would mean some fancy gates. Your idea is very doable though thanks for the suggestion, I will keep it in mind for the future.

    I was actually thinking of getting another one like him. There is a site called Pet Finder, they had a black female Spitz 17 lbs for adoption. I can just picture the two tearing up and racing through the house, not to mention more HAIR.

    He is so sweet, I call him and ask him if he wants up and I will give him a hug and kiss his head. He gives a little moan and almost purrs when I hug him. Blessings come in small packages dont they! If I wouldn’t had taken him he would had been put to sleep. He has keep me company on many stormy and freezing days.

    He has made me very happy.

  28. Hello Everyone,

    I have been organizing my house, looking for a new job and staying out of trouble!

    No more drama from the cop…we are in a détente. He leaves me alone and I leave him alone. The lady with the cell phone just up and disappears, haven’t seen her for days. It has gone back to being quiet in the complex…except the cops were here the other night arresting someone and making a whole heck of a lot of noise. Didn’t get to see much since the cops had their guns out. I see guns, I stay way far back. Everyone says I live in the most expensive and tony area on the city…you would not see it by me. I think that is just “impression management” LOL. There is more crime here! Well, I am back. I have a first interview at a bank on Monday and I am taking an assessment test for another today. My fractions suck but I am good to go on everything else.

    Hope all of you are well and if not, hang in there this too shall pass. I keep telling myself that. This too shall pass.

    Theresa Maria

    1. ThersaK,
      Glad you popped in to tell us how you are. I am very glad for you and hope all works out. This would make for a nice way for you to meet more people or perhaps????? You never know. If this doesn’t pan out have you thought of a Hostess in a nice restaurant? you have all the social graces but then, this can get hectic. Just a thought, I will be praying that this works out for you. We all be waiting to hear from you. Blessings Kindred Spirit ((Hugs))) and kisses on the heads of your little ones.

  29. BTOV,

    Funny you ask about being a hostess….In my long working career, I started out in the dining industry and had a catering business on the side for a while. So going back to food service would not be a stretch.

    Working for a bank would not be a stretch either since I was a paralegal for so long and they like that…especially that I dealt with a lot of white collar crime and large sums of money.

    I had a buddy that did some criminal work and on Thursdays she called it “Criminal Day” Why, you might ask! That was the day that was scheduled for all the criminals to come in to meet with their attorney. They all paid in cash. She had to go to the bank right after the day ended since there was so much cash. LOL! The attorney was in individual practice and did not have access to a vault like I did.

    But the hostess job could really be a possibility. And maybe some lunch shifts on the side. Make more money than being a bank teller! But the work is so very hard on the body. But no where near what I was doing at the sample counter! LOL Again!

    Theresa Maria

    1. TheresaK,
      I knew a woman she who was 76 and specifically catered parties. A lot of the gals didn’t like Lena because she was old school and a professional waitress. In my early days I was trained by the likes of her as a professional waitress, I worked in a restaurant strictly all white linen and wore the french maid uniform with a fresh crisp starched apron.

      Anyhow she begged me to work as her partner, I followed and listened to her because she knew what she was doing and was good. So good she worked a 4 hour party and came home with 150.00 and that was 35 years ago. At the time I already had a secure job in my profession.

      I could see you as a hostess dressed real pretty in one of these restaurant with your experience and poise not to forget all your people knowledge and legal experience, I think you would do great. It may present the opportunity to meet someone more one your level of refinement too.

      I know there is someone looking just for you, it just may take some time. I’m praying for you and know someone will grab the gem and I sure know with your spunk and determination you do it. ((((Hugs))))) Will be waiting to hear what happens..

    2. Joey and Suzi and LisaO

      Where are you???? Haven’t heard from you for awhile. Always enjoy your though provoking in put. Hope you all are well. LisaO you are in my thoughts and prayers, one never forgets a fellow pain sufferer. Look forward to you dropping in and hopefully post more often.


  30. I’m here — been following right along with everyone.

    You know the John Deere commercial reminds of this week’s subject – a healthy self-esteem and self-respect.

    “It’s not how fast you mow; it’s how well you mow fast.”

    Good attitude goes a long way!

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