A Healthy Self-Image
A healthy self-image is a highly desirable thing. But finding a partner who possesses a sound, balanced sense of self can be a real challenge in our times. That’s partly because of all the unhealthy egoism and narcissism embedded in modern culture. Such a culture fosters – even encourages and rewards – all kinds of character disturbance.
Developing a healthy self-image is an inherently formidable task. And it’s one of the main “commandments” of good character I outline in Essentials for the Journey. But the task becomes even more difficult in enviroments that are antagonistic to encouragement of wholesome character formation.
Importance to a Relationship
What a person thinks of him/herself matters a lot in any relationship. So does how a person tends to regard others. Those who don’t think well enough of themselves are particularly vulnerable to mistreatment by those who think far too much of themselves. And that’s the kind of dynamic unfortunately at play in all too many relationships that become abusive in one way or another.
What to Look For
At the outset of a relationship, it’s wise to look for certain “red flags” that someone lacks a healthy self-image. Some of the more common ones are:
- Excessive self-indulgence. Folks who think too much of themselves feel entitled to have whatever they want, when they want it. They loathe self-restraint, self-denial, and self-sacrifice. They don’t wait for the right time and place to gratify their wishes.
- Attitudes of superiority. Folks with an unhealthy self-image often see themselves as better. Such individuals tend to look upon those whom they perceive as weaker, lesser, or in any way inferior as fair targets for mockery, disdain, and mistreatment.
- Attitudes of entitlement. Those who feel entitled to do things and to have things merely because they want them (as opposed to truly meriting them) are bound to be big trouble. They have a hard time feeling grateful or indebted in any way and an even more difficult time taking the legitimate needs of others into consideration.
See also the material on self-esteem, self-respect, errors in thinking, and problematic behaviors described in both In Sheep’s Clothing and Character Disturbance.
I’ll have more to say on qualities to look for in a potential relationship partner in upcoming posts.
One of the big red flags I’ve identified, is when you ask a person why. Why they did something or didn’t do something and they reply, ‘because I can.’
I’m not sure whether it’s an attitude born of entitlement, or superiority, or self indulgence. I simply know that I’ve heard it many times from people who have turned out to be very selfish and self involved.
Dr. Simon, have you also heard the phrase, ‘because I can’ in your experience working with character disturbed people?
Absolutely! And it reflects the unabashed assertion that there’s nothing in their malformed or starkly deficient conscience to hold them back. If I see a way to do it, and know I likely can, what’s to stop me? Certainly not any qualms of conscience!
Thank you Dr. Simon,
As always your articles and responses are always spot on, insightful and deeply appreciated.
I have come to a conclusion that my kindness and sometimes just my presence will and does convicts people i meet. Family members have betrayed me for no reason. I gave way more than I ever should have with most everyone. Comes from narcissistic mother
Another long story! But do you see this? Many people in my family have personality disorders. Mine was having no boundaries. Takers love this! At now 69 yrs old i still bring out the real personality in people if Im around them sometimes immediately or in a short time. It’s as if they have an immediate insecurity or envy. Had to stop the drama and cut many people from my life or I would not be here today. I wish I had known how to handle this much earlier in life. My very presence seems to piss a lot of people off! Have you ever seen this?
Dear Carolyn Lewis,
I’ve also experienced how much my presence seems to PO the character disordered people in my life as well. I think there are several reasons for the cause of this.
Side note: I’ve found that boundaries are not the cause because poor boundaries make them ‘happy’ because they are getting what they want. My opinion from my own experiences is that the ‘reward’ from being soft with boundaries keeps the peace.
Strong boundaries, on the other hand, or having a solid moral, ethical compass, creates turmoil, chaos and rage in the CD so perhaps your boundaries were stronger than you thought.
From what I’ve experienced, kindness and empathy is regarded as a weakness so those traits seem to encourage hostility and contempt.
Kindness and empathy is often very well received by others (not character disordered) and feels fulfilling and good to us so inspires jealousy and perhaps a narcissistic ego wound that you’re getting the attention that they are entitled or feeling good when they’re not engendering disgust.
And, finally, what I’ve really come to understand is that because the CD are not playing on a level playing field, I’ve been oblivious to manipulations and machinations so what I’m doing out of kindness and empathy is NOT how they wanted me to react at all. The CD has a script in their head that they expect us to follow, if we deviate and don’t ‘cooperate’ as they expected the CD gets very enraged.
Of course, since you’re not a mind reader, you don’t know what the script is or what exactly they want and have no idea you’ve offended them and so your very presence seems to PO them. Remember, they’re still holding a grudge from the last 3 times you unknowingly disrupted their manipulations.
Hopefully, that helps with some clarity. It’s hard to go through life thinking your very presence enrages people. It’s demoralizing and deflating of the self esteem. With the understanding I now have, I’m equally amused and distressed about their reaction towards me. I often wonder how often I unwittingly robbed them of the object of their manipulation or machination. I try to take a little pride from the experience and remind myself happy narcs means I lost, unhappy narcs means they lost in the secret, twisted game they’re playing.
Hopefully if I’ve missed the mark, Dr Simon will add some clarity from his vast experience and expertise.
The script in the CD’s head is this: “I want what I want and I want it now.” When this script gets interrupted by anyone – rage followed by vengeance follows predictably.
Curiously, if you dare to reject them and distance yourself from them, the punishment for doing so will be very, very great. You might have left them alone, but they will not leave you alone, the smear of your character will be enormous and you will pay the price for as long as they live. In a way you don’t get away from them even when you physically get away from them.
True.
In my experience, if you can SLOWLY get away from someone like that, and be ‘busy’, not feeling well, etc..make it about you and not because of them. They will get eventually bored and find another victim. And they may be less likely to smear you. Because they rejected you! They want (demand) and need your attention, resources, reactions and if you can ever so subtly be boring and not engaged (grey rock) they do get bored.
Once away, do not take any bait and reengage. If they catch you at the store or whatever, be polite and boring. You’re well and really busy. It’s not about them.
I use to engage, try to explain, get mad, argue, all the things that are a waste of time and energy, and also just set me up for their abuse and vengeance.
I am curious about other experiences, and, if in hindsight, this rings true for you too.
I have met men who when first meeting me and in the very early stages of getting to know me. addressed me as Ms. Mindful. Ex. It was nice meeting you, Ms. Mindful. Thanks, Ms. Mindful.
These guys, so far, every one turned out to be manipulative, abusive a holes.
I met a guy today. He was working on a neighbors house down the block. I asked if he was a plumber (I’m getting contacts for plumbers). Any way, no he’s not. We chatted (he is handsome). He was polite, asked how long I lived in the area, etc.. where he went to college. It was really just a friendly chat. He did seem interested in me, but you know how that goes. Well he had to go move a ladder so the homeowner could get in the driveway. So I said goodbye and he said “it was nice meeting you, Ms. Mindful.
I swear it registered in my body and I can’t tell you how disappointed and later angry I felt (not with him).
Has anyone else had an abusive partner or partner wanna be who used this tactic? It comes off as respectful initially.
It got my curiosity up if this a red flag that’s not well known.