Under the Spell
Falling under the spell of a charmer can be the beginning of heartbreak. Not all persons possessing charm are of problematic character. But some truly are. That’s why you have to be careful. Some of the most disturbed characters have charm and charisma. They seduce you easily, captivating both your attention and your heart. But once they’ve had their way with you, you mean less and less to them. And that’s when you learn who they really are, what they really wanted, and what they’re capable of.
Avoiding the Blame Game
Falling under the spell of a charmer can happen to anyone. But some folks are more vulnerable than others. And astute character-impaired charmers know that well. They’ll take advantage of some of your best attributes. So, while you have a role in the seduction game, there’s no reason to blame yourself. Still, it’s helpful to know what aspects of your makeup the charmer exploited. Loving self-reckoning can help you avoid falling into a similar trap in the future.
Spell Casters on a Spectrum
Charmers come in many shades and varieties. Some are relatively benign. Others only appear benign. Some of the most malignant narcissists, including psychopaths and sociopaths, can possess incredible charm and/or charisma. And many are the archetypal wolves in sheep’s clothing manipulators I describe in In Sheep’s Clothing and Character Disturbance. Falling under the spell of such astute impression managers is all too common in our times. And as most survivors know, it’s dangerous too. You don’t know who such folks are or what they’re capable of until it’s too late.
Character Matters Goes Live 4-16-25 at Noon CDT
Character Matters will air live again on Wednesday, April 16, 2025 at noon Central Daylight Time. (That’s 1 pm Eastern, 11 am Mountain, and 10 am Pacific times.) We’ll be continuing the discussion on why some characters can’t really love. (This is a topic I expound upon in Essentials for the Journey!) Use this LINK to access the livestream on my YouTube Channel.
To enter the broadcast studio and converse live, copy and paste this LINK , which is also pasted below, into your browser.
https://streamyard.com/h8qxpiah7w
My covert narcissistic mother has been quite the charmer-she puts on a great show, one that communicates that there is no problem, no abuse, that her children victimize her. It is a prime example of narcissistic manipulation. She’ll charm the socks off anyone she wants. While being hat hateful to people like myself and one of my siblings.
I tried for years to have some kind of relationship with her (she is my mother, I reasoned)-she would be so abusive and hurtful. Then she shows up with gifts and loving statements (while meaning none of them). Going no contact has been so good for me. She is blocked on my phone and on social media. It has allowed me to begin to heal from the years of the abuse she has perpetrated on me while showing a different face to everyone else. And the trauma o watching her torment my sister while being powerless to stop it (I was 7 or 8). There. is much healing to be done and now that process can finally begin.
The charming side is disarming. Which is what they want. It opens you up for abuse and helps them appear to be the victim.
However nice they may be when you are dealing with a narcissist, as I have for 50 years, my advice is don’t do it. Don’t try to have a relationship-it will not be a healthy one. If you plan to try you will need two things: really good boundaries and a thick skin.
Very well put.
It has been my experience as well.
Once you start to see what they are, get away.
The best way, in my experience, if you can, is to do in non confrontational, just be “busy”, or whatever. They hopefully will decide you are a waste of time.
My daughter is as you described. It’s a nightmare. They try to make others believe you are the abuser, crazy, unstable, whatever they think will work to discredit you/victimize you. No contact helps you to see clearly and heal.
” They hide what they are, So they can BE WHAT THEY ARE” They ENJOY IT.
The Control, the abuse. It’s fun and exciting for them. The Charm is a mask which they hide behind. In order to gain the power and control which they feel so entitled to. They Do’nt want to stop. If the world at large new what they are doing. Intentionally harming children It could and would stop them. Then that would deny them their pleasure.
The playing the Victim is also a mask. It basically means. I LIVE IN A ENVIROMENT THAT I CANNOT CONTOL I AM A VICTIM LIKE 18 MONTH OLD BABY. LIVING IN A WORLD, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER. In other word. ” I am not responsible FOR ANTHING” because I am a victim. It also allows them in their minds eye to retaliate. Allowing them to abuse. This is entirely Projection
Joey,
Everything you say rings true for me too. I cant get away from a Character Disordered person. I haven’t any time to waste on these individuals regardless if they are family.
We have come a long way since the beginning. How are you?
What happened to your brother if I may ask. It seems so long ago.
MY X passed away 2 years ago of a massive heart attack. Guess who he put down to call in an emergency. Well he died while they tried to resuscitate him. I stayed at the hospital and prayed over him until he was completely gone. So sad, we had so much but then we had nothing. Shock of my life to find out I was sleeping with an enemy.
Are you still on your diet.
Take care Joey, you are a very special person.
JC,
So nice to see you posting, I follow along many times. I am dealing with my youngest son (47) who is very difficult and an alcoholic. Who he decribes me to be is really him describing himself. I just shake my head and don’t listen to his gaslighting lies. Realistically, he is in need of help for his addiction, but the he is addicted to himself. He tells everyone else what to do as he is a knower of all but in truth a knower of Nothing.
Unfortunately, I have to walk away and go no contact rather then get sucked into his perverted. JC you are right as one will need good boundaries and a thick skin. My boundaries are fairly well rounded and when it comes to dealing with a narcissist be it family, my children or any other person I immediately cut them off. They are emotional vampires and only seek to cause another pain and emotional suffering to gain the ultimate control over you.
Its very difficult to stand your ground when its family. We love them but it never works as they don’t want to do the work to change. I find I have more peace and solitude when I don’t see him… I wish it was different but it isn’t, its the same behavior, just another suck you in to try to cause me pain. Well it won’t work anymore. He never changes really, just the lies and tactics change.
The only thing I can do is pray for him, “Let go and let God.”
I hope you are well and everything with your job is fine. It’s nice to see you drop in.
Take Care and Gods Peace be with you.
BTOV