Denial – What It Is and Isn’t

I have posted several articles in the past on the topic of denial.  But because of the misconceptions that still surround the term and because so many disturbed characters are prone to engage in this behavior, I am re-posting on the subject.

Anyone familiar with the “jargon” of mental health professionals of all persuasions has undoubtedly heard the term denial.  It’s fairly common, however, for both professionals and laypersons, however, to use the term denial improperly or in a poorly defined or over-generalized manner.

In classical (psychodynamic) psychology, denial is an unconscious ego defense mechanism.  Basically, that means that a person unwittingly puts up a barrier to experiencing what is too painful to consciously bear.   An example might be a situation in which a woman who has been married to the same man for 40 years has just had to rush him to the hospital because while they were out in the yard working, he began having trouble speaking and appeared in some distress.  The doctors later tell her that he has suffered a stroke, is now virtually brain-dead, and will not recover.  Yet, every day she comes to his bedside, holds his hand, and talks to him.  The nurses tell her he cannot hear, but she talks to him anyway.  The doctors tell her he will not recover, but she tells herself, “I know he’ll pull through, he’s such a strong man.”  This woman is in a unique psychological state – the state of denial.  She can hardly believe what has happened.  Not long ago she was in the yard with her darling, enjoying one of their favorite activities.  The day before, they were at a friend’s home for a get-together.  He seemed the picture of happiness and health.  He didn’t seem that sick when she brought him to the hospital.  Now – in a blink of an eye – they’re telling her he’s gone.  This is more emotional pain than she can bear just yet.  She’s not ready to accept that her partner of 40 years won’t be coming home with her.  She’s not quite ready yet to face a life without him.  So, her unconscious mind has provided her with an effective (albeit likely temporary) defense against the pain.  Eventually, as she becomes better able to accept the distressing reality, her denial mechanism will break down, and when it does, the pain it served to contain will gush forth and she will grieve.

Now, let’s take another example of so-called “denial.”  Joe, the class bully, strolls up to one of his unsuspecting classmates and engages in one of his favorite mischievous pastimes:  pushing the books out of her arms and spilling them on the floor.  It just so happens that the hall monitor sees the event and sternly hollers:  “Joe!,” to which Joe, spreading his arms wide open and with a look of great shock, surprise, and innocence on his face asks:  “Whaaaat?”  Is Joe in an altered psychological state?  Does he really not understand the reality of what has happened?  Does he really think he didn’t do anything?  Is his behavior brought about by more emotional pain than he could possibly bear?  Is he so consumed with shame and/or guilt for what he’s done that he simply can’t bear to believe he actually did such a horrible thing?  More than likely, no.  Joe is probably more concerned that he has another detention hall punishment coming, which means another note to his parents, and possibly even suspension.  So, he’s got one long-shot tactic to try.  He’ll do his best to make the Hall Monitor believe she didn’t really see what she thought she saw.  The hallway was crowded.  Maybe it was someone else.  Maybe it was just an “accident.”  If he acts surprised, innocent, and righteously indignant enough, maybe, just maybe, she’ll begin to doubt.  He prays that unlike him,  maybe she is neurotic enough (i.e. has an overactive conscience and excessive sense of guilt or shame) to possibly think she might be misjudging him, maybe she’ll even berate herself for jumping to conclusions or for causing a possibly innocent party emotional pain.  This tactic may have worked before.  Maybe it will work again.

Professionals and lay persons alike often misuse the term denial.  They fail to consider that not all “denial” is the same.  Sometimes, denial is truly an unconscious psychological state.  Sometimes, it’s a refusal to admit a problem.  Sometimes, it’s a tactic of manipulation and impression management.  And the basic tactic of denial can be expressed in several other subtle variations such as feigning innocence, feigning ignorance, and acting surprised.   But no matter what form in which it comes, it’s most often merely a way of lying.  The problem is that these distinctions are not always made.  Often, when a person denies, it’s simply assumed that their denial is a “defense” against the unbearable.  In my experience, the term “in denial” is widely overused.  Disturbed characters of all sorts frequently engage in denial.  It’s extremely rare, however, that they do so because they are in such inner distress over their behavior that they simply can’t consciously accept what they’re doing.  Most of the time, they know exactly what they’re doing, but they want you to think otherwise.

31 thoughts on “Denial – What It Is and Isn’t

    1. My take… (Disclaimer: I am no expert, just a lay person like you)

      I doubt, considering the way you have put up the question. I suspect it is just ambivalent feeling.

      Psychological denial is defense mechanism against something that is too painful. Also, when denial defense finally breaks down, i.e. person finally realizes the painful reality, it results in outpouring of grief/sadness.

      So, questions are:
      Exactly what feeling you are in denial about?
      Will you feel overwhelming pain once denial defense breaks down?

      Consider two scenarios.
      Scenario 1: A girl loves her father and realizes something nasty about him, lets assume he molested her friend. She is shocked, and “convinces” herself that her father was out of town that day, so cannot be him.
      We can say, she is in denial about the way she feel about someone.

      Scenario 2: A girl has mixed feeling about a super gorgeous hunk in class. That guy approaches the girl and say, “you are in denial about the way you feel about me”.
      Now, here we see no defense against pain, and no outpouring of grief once her “denial” defense breaks down.
      This is NOT denial.
      It is simply she has ambivalent feeling about the guy. Maybe gut feeling says “no” while simultaneously feeling attracted.

      Hope this helps.

      1. Andy D, hi! You are right about denial and Dr. Simon elaborates on this topic in many of his articles as well. Welcome!

        1. P.s……he also elaborates about the misuse of the word and how a covertly agressive and manipulative person can use this misunderstanding against their victim, and how the victims misunderstanding about denial can work against seeing the truth.

    2. Chelle, I think you can be in a sort of la-la land form of “denial”……..kind of like you might KNOW you are attracted to someone but you might THINK you are in control of that attraction. I think a lot of affairs begin this way, kind of the “well, it’s ok to just x, y, z because it’s not a, b, c”. A form of self deceit. Meanwhile, things keep leaning a little further and a little further over the line.
      Someone once told me that the line is crossed once you do something that you KNOW is not ok with your partner and hide it. That made sense to me. Once you “go there” you are not honoring the person you are married to, you are choosing what YOU want.

      1. In his mind a man that cheats on his wife is a bad person. So he justifies it by saying he wasn’t cheating…he was just playing blackjack. It makes him feel better about himself. And all he thinks he’s guilty of is lying about who he was playing with. If he hadn’t listed her under a different contact, deleted parts of messages, communicated with her in an unprofessional way and kept everything about her secret, I would see it that way also. But that’s clearly not the case. He was keeping her a secret months before they ever went to the casino. I’m trying to get him to look at why he chose her, what about her made him think he needed to keep her a secret. Why is she the first female employee that broke through all his boundaries and was worth risk of losing his wife over. I can’t believe he doesn’t ask himself these questions. If he can’t tell me, how will ever feel safe? He thinks I’m punishing him by asking theses things over and over. I’m really just trying to figure out how my world was turned upside down. How did I live 20 years with a man and one day I wake up and find out I don’t really know him at all. He hides so much of himself from me and I don’t know why. I love him but I feel alone in this. He has the answers I need and he either can’t or won’t give them to me. I feel crazy sometimes. He takes all these red flags that scream affair and he has watched me fall apart and my self worth crumble while I beg him to just tell me the truth and he looks me eye and tells me that it’s not what I think it is. Yes, he did those things but it doesn’t mean he loved her, had special feelings for her or wanted to be with her. Says he’s not attracted to her or feel anything for her at all. Which leads me to believe he’s either evil and betrayed and hurt me for fun or he’s lying. The first would be worst. I would hope he at least got some need he had fulfilled. My pain is not over what he did but his lies about what he did. It’s killing me. I’m not the same person I was. It’s gotten to the point of the pain of staying is now more painful than the pain of leaving. It’s so hard to live with someone you can’t trust. We can’t even talk about it because he can’t listen to or see my pain without it making hm feel uncomfortable or bad about himself. He’s not upset that I’m hurting, he’s upset because the my feelings make him feel….if that makes sense. I will definitely get that book that was suggested. And I am in counseling. We tried marriage counseling and he won’t go back. He acted like it was the first time he had heard our problems before… And his feelings were hurt over it so he won’t go back. I still go though.

        1. Chelle, please keep reading…….you are describing exactly what a person like this does. He is making you feel bad for making him feel bad. Well he should feel bad!

  1. I ask because my husband kept all communication with a female that worked for him a secret from me. He had her listed under the wrong contact name and never mentioned her name. It wasn’t a trust or jealousy issue because I trusted him completely and never checked his phone or on him. A few times he took her to a casino in middle of the night when I thought he was at work. He seemed to have lost all personal and professional boundaries with her. Discussed things about me. I never found anything sexual in their texts, even the deleted ones I recovered from his phone. The texts were just borderline inappropriate…a lot of compliments and him trying to make her laugh at all hous of the night. . If he read something interesting or funny he would send it to her. They would gossip about work. Lots of winks and smileys…it seemed like he would think of things to ask her just so he had a reason to text. They were texting as much as 1400 times in one month. In my opinion they had an emotional affair at the very least. The weird part is he totally denies having any feelings or attraction for this woman. I kicked him out twice because he wouldn’t admit to feeling anything about her at all. I can forgive him for what he did but I can’t for lying about his feelings. It’s so hard to believe he would betray me and risk so much personally and professionally for someone he cares nothing about. There was something about the girl from the second he promoted her that made him think I need to keep her a secret. He’s either still lying to me 2 years later or in denial about his feelings. Either way it’s destroying my 20 year marriage. His excuses have been that he saw her as one of the guys and then it was he just needed someone to play blackjack with…she’s the only he asked though. You don’t hide things unless you have something to hide. This is totally out of character for my husband. He’s always had very rigid boundaries with female employees . So what do you think?

    1. Hi Chelle,

      As far as denial is concerned, in my opinion
      – Your husband is very likely denying/lying and/or feigning innocence.
      – Unlikely, but if anyone is in denial (the psychological denial as mentioned in the blog), then that person is you.

      I will strongly suggest you to read the “denial” article again. Reread carefully if required.
      “Denying/Lying” is just one of the manipulation tactics. Next could be “husband shaming you – what kind of person you are, doubting your faithful husband of 20 years”, or “husband taking you on guilt-trip – It is your fault, you have drifted away from your faithful husband in last 3 years, so I was unwillingly forced to…” I suggest you buy book “In Sheep’s Clothing” to get better understanding about all tactics. It is concise and to the point book. One can read its 200 odd pages in a day or two and get life transforming insights into people behaviour.

      ——–
      More details… you can ignore this part if reading someone’s blabbering is not one of your strength

      There are certainly some boundaries that have been crossed, and your husband is perpetrator, not you.
      As outsider to your marriage, I can only provide my perspective, but eventually what matters is that you will need to analyze your situation reasonably well and take appropriate actions.
      – Your gut is saying something, but you are thinking something else. Do not discount your gut feeling, and be extra careful.
      – You have mentioned many things that were done wrong: keeping things from you (hiding relationship which was more than just professional relationship, wrong contact number, and 1400 text/month). Your husband must come clean on all of them, not just on denying/lying about feeling.
      – You do not need to feel guilty about checking his phone. It was simply mistrust (texting whole night, I presume) which prompted you to do background checks. Earning trust is your husband’s responsibility. You are not supposed to blindly trust anyone, especially in presence of many flickering red/yellow lights.
      – It is not very clear from your mail, if your husband is confused about her gender. Come on, one cannot go wrong about such things!!

      Easiest is to start setting boundaries and consequences, for example,
      – Your husband and colleague relationship is more than just professional relationship. Ask him to cut it down. While you are at it, give a ring to colleague as well, simply stating that “I feel this relationship has crossed its boundary, it should be kept at professional level. Please avoid taking it any further.”
      – If he does not cut down, then…. (Anything, but not empty threat)
      – In some cases, it helps to just provide visibility to long-term future, i.e., if you are having an affair, you are destroying our marriage, eventually it will fall apart and we will go separate way, you can maybe marry someone else, but then you will repeat the same cycle again, till when?? Age of 60, 70, 80? At the age of 50, you are chasing 40 year old, at age of 60, you will chase 50 year old … at age of 80, you will chase 70 year old.
      – Ask him to teach you blackjack (just kidding). Or, at minimum, you can stand like queen next to your husband while he goes to casino with his best female friend.
      Whatever else you can thing of in terms of setting your boundaries.

      Few more things to watch out for:
      Husband> 1400 messages were only for one month ==> potentially minimization tactic. So, what was the average? 500 message/month. If husband is sending 500 messages to a colleague, he should be sending 5,000 to his wife
      Husband> you are always after me ==> Blaming other. Shifting focus away from problem.
      Husband> only if you had loved me more ==> Blaming other. Guilt tripping. Marriages may be started on love, but trust, respect and communication sustains and nurtures the marriage.
      Husband> I thought she was male. ==> Justifying. Now, he knows better that she is she, not he. And, you don’t like it. So, time to cut it down before he starts to see her as more than female.
      So on…

      Long post. Sorry. I cannot help myself from practicing things I have recently learned 😉
      Hope you find it useful.

        1. Well Chelle, like I said, red flags are flying. So when there are warning signs it is time to take precautionary steps that protect YOU. You don’t have to do anything drastic like file for divorce, but step back and regroup. Build yourself up in whatever way makes you feel stronger, safer emotionally and more secure and independent so you are able to step back and look at this all more objectively. It takes a little emotional distance to be able to do that which is why I suggested some sort of separation.
          If he will go to counceling with you then that is one thing you could try but don’t let him
          (or the therapist )throw you under the bus. So you could present that as an an option to a separation but be determined.

  2. Thanks Andy!! Appreciate your reply. I should mention that my husband admitted what he did was wrong and knew it was wrong when he was doing it. He says he let his guard down. Admits he had an emotional affair by definition. He begs for forgivness. Dropped her The second I found out. Cut off all contact and has since left that business. He’s never blamed me for any of it. and yes 1400 texts in one month. You can clearly see that the more their texts and calls increased, the more ours decreased. The month they had 1400….we had 60!! Our average was 4-500 until she came into the picture. Sometimes he would send us both the same text message!! Within minutes of each othe.

    He destroyed our trust by lying about it over and over when I first caught on. It took 3 months for him to finally admit that they were going to the casino alone and Even went while I was on a vacation that he refused to go on. Said he couldn’t get away from “work”. Within 24 hours of me leaving, he was with her. He’s never admitted to anything on his own….only to what I discovered on my own. He even asked the woman to lie to me and mislead me. It worked…for a few days. When I present him with evidence in black and white like cell phone records or casino records he literally denies them. It makes me crazy. All I need and want to move forward is for him to tell me what was it about this girl that made break every personal and professional boundary he’s ever had and cause him to betray his wife….she had to brought something to his life or he wouldn’t have done it. 22 years ago I was his employee just like that girl was. And he took me to a casino to play blackjack and have drinks too. Only difference was we were both single. We started dating right after that so that seems to be MO.

    1. Hi Chelle,

      Do you believe it was one off thing and your husband “slipped” once? If yes, then getting answer to question is not so important. What is important… Trust has definitely been broken, and it is your husbands sole responsibility to rebuild it.

      Some food for thought…
      Forgive (maybe), but never forget.
      Lying kills trust.
      He not only lied taking easy way out, but he also attempted to hide it, and conspired by asking the partner in crime to lie too. He denies (or at least denied initially) the phone and casino evidence too. Now, if he looks into your eyes, and says “She devil hooked me, and I am not yet of such strong character to avoid that” – will you believe it? What if he says, “Passion in our life was going down, and she reminded me of what you were 22 years ago, especially with cards in one hand and whiskey glass in other” – will you believe it?

      As mentioned several times in books and blogs, “talk is cheap, behavior matters”.

      One thing I would recommend, you should stick around and read blogs on several topics, read some actual case vignettes too. You should be prepared to critically assess a person’s character and defend yourself from manipulators.

  3. It was 8 months of keeping secrets and lying to me about where he was, who he was with and who he was talking to. During those 8 months he took her out at least 4 times. I can only prove 4 but I suspect aroubd 7 times. He admits to only 2. Yes, I believe both things you suggested. And I even understand why he would turn to another woman. We were barely communicating and I had basically given up trying to. I was just going through the motions….numb. I resented him for being a workaholic and chosing work over me and our child for the last 10 + years. The only time we talked was when he would vent to me about work. I would listen but I gave him very little support. I know he was under a lot of stress and in my heart I believe that is what attracted him to her. She could relate to him in ways I couldn’t. I think she brought a little excitement to his days. I think he enjoyed being around her and the way she made him feel. She was the type to agree with everything he said, laugh at every joke etc. I don’t think he was in love with her or wanted to leave me for her. She’s not even attractive, especially compared to me

  4. Half my post disappeared..must have hit the wrong button..

    I agree with “talk is cheap, behavior matters” and I feel like I’m being manipulated because his actions and words always seem to contradict each other but he doesn’t see it. For example he said he listed her under the wrong contact name because he was uncomfortable working so closely with a female and with her name showing up on his phone. However, how can you be uncomfortable with her name showing up on your phone but comfortable enough to ask her to meet you at a casino for drinks and blackjack at 3 am behind your wife’s back? Besides 2 other female employees had to text and or call him several times a day and they were listed under their real names and all their communication was strictly professional.

    He can’t remember dates they went, what they talked about or how much money he gave her. He can never remember what he did but can always remember what he didn’t do. How convenient.

    Or “I never disrespected you to her” but taking her out and talking to he behind my back is very disresoectful. When I point theses things out his answer is always the same. Yes, I kept her a secret, took her out, texted her a lot but that does not mean I love her, Want to be with her or had special feelings for her”
    I’m so close to giving up.

    1. Hi Chelle,

      It seems skeletons just keep tumbling out of closet.

      You are right to feel anger, but giving up too quickly is probably not right. It is far easy to break up (seems your husband has already put enough effort into it), then to repair and rebuild. But, repair does not mean compromise or giving up something that is important to you.

      I will STRONGLY suggest you to read book “In Sheep’s Clothing”. Reread to get better understanding. If your husband comes forward cleanly (i.e. he is not a case of covert-aggressive outlined in book), then marriage counseling is good option. However, if your husband does not play straight, then simple marriage counseling (which usually assumes that both parties are playing fair and both parties are willing to put in effort) will not work.
      You have provided good information in your comments so far. You can consolidate and refine it and reach out to Dr. Simon via “Contact Dr. Simon” link. He is quite active here and just may be kind enough to respond to you and point you to right direction.

      Hope it helps.

    2. Chelle, I would serriously urge you to take some time away fro the relationship if at all possible to gain some perspective. My opinion is that there are enough red flags waving here to warrant some serious concerns on your part. Please do as Andy D has suggested and keep reading Dr. Simon’s articles and the vast amount of information out there on disordered and manipulative individuals. If you start seeing your husband reflected in what you read you will have a better idea of what you are dealing with.

    3. Actually Chelle, What your husband would probably like to say but lacks the skill or courage is that he would never leave you because it isn’t convenient for him to do so. Love doesn’t really factor into the equation.

      As far as other woman goes, understand that he is probably presenting himself as your victim and has very likely hooked her from that angle. He won’t leave you. He will wait until the side dish, deeply in love, by this point, no longer entertains him in some way. Then he will drop her like a hot rock, discard her like garbage. He already discarded you, emotionally, long ago. But he feels safe within the facade of your remaining relationship. (Though it’s real to you. It’s not to him) They are users and they break people…good people.

      I base my conclusions not on your specific story. Yours might be different — but on how most rationships with purely self interested people who bores easily (because they don’t have much of an interior life) go.

      1. I have slightly different opinion here. LisaO speculation may be 100% accurate, but it allows too much leeway. Letting it play out for months or years in covert war when Chelle can never be sure will be futile exercise for her.

        Based on my understanding of books & blogs…
        It is pointless to speculate on the motive or feeling of character disturbed people. There are far too many factors to consider. Thinking of all factors and possibilities will give you headache, and at the same time give CA more room to maneuver and play their game.
        Simplest is “She is cheated. He has behaved inappropriately in past, and he continues to do so by denying/minimizing/lying, and onus is on him for better future”. This must be repeated repeated repeated till he comes clean irrespective of the result whether going back to marriage or going out of marriage. And, of course, Chelle must be strong throughout.

  5. I was never worried that he would leave me…especially for her. If he did, that would be his loss. I honestly don’t think he presented himself as my victim at all. I thnk he used me to get sympathy from her. She told me how she had never seen him so devastated and worried than when I was in hospital and how we had just lost my sister and now I was sick. Which I thought was funny because I wasn’t in the hospital. I was in the ER for 4 hours for dehydration and kidney infection. Hardly life threatening or devestating. And yes he was so devestated that he took her out instead of taking care of me at home.

    Also once I became suspicious he dropped her like a rock. He actually fired her but I rehired her because I believed his lies at first. With the exception of one time when he called her behind my back and asked her to lie to me, he refused to communicate with her at all after that. All communication including business was through me only. I think the only reason it didn’t turn into a sexual affair is because she wasn’t in to him the way he was into her. I think her motive was money and the special privileges she got at work.

    I do agree that he discarded me emotionally a long time ago. I think he takes me for granted too. I’ve been considering asking him to take a polygraph. He has said he would in the past. My concern is if he really believes his own bullshit, will it show as telling the truth?

  6. Regarding polygraph, there are few that can completely fool the lie detector test. But, then they are really few, very uncommon, not a big number compared to number of people that get injured due to lightening in a year. Even the number of people that show inclusive result (not clean chit) with lie detector is not very high. It is likely that your husband is simply a CA, and he is unlikely to beat polygraph. You don’t need to insist on polygraph, and fight about it.
    I seriously doubt if your husband believes his own bullshit, and you had said earlier that he did admit to lying after you showed him the evidence. He is “denying”, he is not in denial.

    I strongly suspect that you still do not understand the real problem (i.e. wolf in sheep’s clothing). I can find few links from this website, but best is to read the book “In Sheep’s Clothing”, which is better organized and proof-read. There are good number of people who have had read the book, understood the CA, and had Eureka moment of their life.
    Any time you spend on self or his analysis is wasted effort. Take few days break and read the book. Hopefully after understanding the concept, CA mist goes away, and sun shines brighter in your life. 🙂
    Do you have some support network, some trusted and good advisers. You can run your problems with them too, and get their inputs too.

  7. Chelle,

    Hard to say what your husband’s problems are. But not generally a good idea to hang out with people whose pants are on fire. You’ll get burned. It’s easy for me to say…I know. There could be many practical reasons that you are together… Kids, finances, business in common. It’s not easy to just walk. I think everybody advocating ,’no contact’ has to remember that.

  8. Chelle,
    One last thing that came to my mind. Since your gut is screaming cheater cheater, and your husband is denying repeatedly even after getting caught in lie few times. You can use professionals detectives to collect the evidence, photos etc. One cannot lie about a photograph. Fastest way to settle things. There is no point in dragging such things for too long.

  9. Andy D, Chelle,

    I think the problem is a basic lack of trust. By the time you get to the point where you need to hire a detective, your respect for liar is so diminished that it probably doesn’t serve a purpose. Hyper focus on specifics of the OW situation or any specific situation where deception is suspected can be manipulated by a liar.

    Life with a liar is a merry-go-round. They create the emotional carnival and carousel and victim ends up riding one of the horses, up down, all around. She is encouraged by liar to view her life as stable and static. Her sense of motion and not being able to get her footing are questioned by the liar who literally sets all the gears and wheels in motion. If a person has this general sense if their life with somebody, that is the problem that has to be addressed.

    1. LisaO, just like any drug or addiction you don’t want to put it down until you hit bottom and have to. Bottom with a manipulator it when reality finally slaps you in the face via depletion or discard.

  10. Once I became suspicious he stopped all of it. Wouldn’t even look at the girl. Put a GPS tracker on his phone and offered to put one in his truck but I said no. I can track him anytime with his phone. Even insisted on me coming to work with him on the 2 nights a week he had to work with her. I have acess to his email and cell phone. Even still he insists on all his iMessages coming to ipad so I can read them. Which is how he got caught to begin with….lol. He updated his iphone and all the sudden His texts are showing up on my iPad. He worked overnights and I was laying in bed using my iPad and message after message kept popping up and it was 3am. I could tell by the way he was talking that it wasn’t to a guy. He said “I’m still shocked but I’ll get over it”. And then kept trying to be funny and using winky faces etc. not how he talks to employees. So I decided to not tell him that the messages were coming to my iPad and watch it for a few days. The next day He told me to read an email on his phone from his sister so I looked at his texts to see who he was talking to the night before and it said “security”. She doesn’t work in the security department!!! Has nothing to do with it. Security always texted his phone but silly me really believed it was security!!! I was so stupid! If he wouldn’t have updated his iphone, I never would have known anything at all. I trusted him….never checked up on him. He always worked overnights and I went to sleep alone every night without any doubts. I’m such a fool. I made it so easy for him. He was always accusing me of cheating though…which should have been a red flag.

  11. Oh and I told him that I found a guy to do the polygraph but just wanted to make sure that he’s still willing to take it and he said yes and to make the appointment. So tomorrow I will call and set that up. I didn’t force him. Results should be interesting. Part of me feels so ashamed to even ask my husband to take one, let alone face the man that wil be giving the test. The results will not determine if I stay or go. If he fails it will actually prove to me that my instincts were right and I should listen to them more. If he passes, I can let my guard down a little and maybe even begin to forgive him. It’s really hard to live with someone you don’t trust and don’t feel safe with. It’s very lonely.

    Thank you all for your comments! I’ve learned something from all of you. And I just started reading In Sheep’s Clothing!

    1. Good luck Chelle!
      I hope reading book will be even more helpful. If yes, then do come back to blogs… tons of useful information here.

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