Tracy Schorn, AKA “ChumpLady” from the popular blog of the same name will be the featured guest on this coming Sunday’s Character Matters Program. You won’t want to miss this one! A word of caution: This woman has been “chumped” before but is a straight-talker and hard-hitter determined to be a chump no more. Her frank language might be offensive to some, but she’s got a lot of important things to say about moving on after being cheated on or otherwise “played for a chump” by a disturbed character. And she’ll be talking about her new book The Chump Lady Survival Guide to Infidelity, which is a wonderful empowerment guide for those who’ve been there. So tune in at 7 pm EDT, 4 pm PDT at: http://ucy.tv/Default.aspx?PID=96&T=Character+Matters.
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Chump Lady is awesome! Anyone who hasn’t checked out her site yet, doesn’t know what they’re missing!
I will Einstein, I’m intrigued now!
VERY good site but I haven’t been there for quite a while!
chumplady.com
It’s an infidelity blog, but they are disordered types, and she reiterates much of what Dr. Simon has to say about them.
She’s a fabulous writer.
Oh, goodness me, I should have read this years ago! Thankyou Dr Simon and ladies for giving me the push. Although I am not experiencing sexual infidelity as far as I know, I am in the same distorted reality with a compulsive and instrumental liar…and for all I know about past behaviour predicting future, I would bet he probably has cheated on me anyway. So I applied everything on chumplady’s site to my situation and it still applies as far as advice on how to extricate myself from the problem.
There was an article link on chumplady to the New York Times which is brilliant and it is talking about being betrayed by lies, whatever they may be and how difficult it is to reconstruct a narrative to move forward. Absolutely insightful and helpful to anyone who has been lied to and doesn’t know how to make sense of life any more. (me!)
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/06/opinion/sunday/great-betrayals.html?pagewanted=all
Excellent article, Juliette…..and so true. I think not having an ‘accurate narrative’ was one of the most difficult aspects of the entire journey.
Yes Einstein, when I read the article it really consolidated for me, understanding the confusion I currently feel in a way that I hadn’t been able to grasp until I read that. I’m trying to move forward and I just don’t quite know where from?! That’s exactly it.
I just listened to Character Matters with Chump Lady and would like to share a few thoughts I had whilst listening. It occurred to me that violence (whether threatened or actual) is similarly experienced as a betrayal of the trust given in marital relationships. It is as much of a ‘deal breaker’ as infidelity and just as difficult to get past. It put the victim in a war zone ie hypervigilance and it’s no wonder we get symptoms like ptsd when we are able to feel safe again. If that’s even possible. It is also equally humiliating to experience intimidation and violence in a relationship. We promised to protect, honor and provide for the soul of another, in other words to uphold the safety of each other.
So what does it look like when we get devalued and discarded?
The person who promised to protect us from harm is the one harming us (whether this is physical or emotional harm).
The person who promised to honour our soul is the one humiliating it.
The person who promised to provide for our soul is the one starving it.
We continue to live up to our promises though….this leads us to accepting the behaviour in order for us to live with ourselves and our own committment to walking the talk in life.
We continue to protect them from harm by kindly communicating and using lots of our energy to help them change.
We continue to honour their soul by giving them lots of time to recognize and make the changes we are invested in.
We continue to continue to provide for their soul by feeding it with our continued resources, support and energy.
Eventually we break or have nothing left and the line of credit has reached it’s limit. We are the ones who walk the talk of comittment and this trait is utilized by the disturbed character. We fail to see that they feel entitled to our walk the talk whilst they don’t because they get us to focus on everything but what’s really going on.
The simple Occam’s Razor principle is that…. we give them a pass/excuse but not ourselves.
I accidentally coined a new phrase whilst I was taking notes listening to Dr Simon and Chump Lady. I was writing fast and trying to write sex addict and it came out as Saddict. The varieties of Saddict are endless I believe and not just confined to those for whom sex is their indulgence at the expense of conscientious neurotics whose suffering they gain pleasure from.
That was an interesting show. Your views are so complimentary. I hope you’ll have her back again sometime.
The sad thing is that if you visit Chumplady’s site you will notice that she display many characteristics of Narcissitic personality disorder.
She frequently deletes comments that politely disagree with her message, no matter how intellectually stated, or she attempts to scare those same people off by exclaiming that her site is not a site for them.
Personally, as a betrayed spouse, I agree with some of what she says but much else is pure ego. Wisdom that she garnered nowhere but from her one negative experience.
She speaks as an expert but has not credentials to match. I think we need to put Chumplady’s blog in perspective before we give too may accolades.
I agree with Dana. I am also a betrayed spouse and was provided a link to Chumplady’s blog. I am trying to reconcile, and I think Tracy’s rather unprofessional opinion is very harmful to those people.
I don’t think she should be held up as an icon of good judgement or as an expert. She may or may not be one, but she is not a psychologist and not a relationship expert. Yet, she acts as if she is.
Chumplady AKA Tracy sutton Schorn, does chase people away, if they try to explain that their spouse’s affair was a one-time very large error in judgment. An error he/she is trying to rectify.
Yes, many things she says are true, but I think the harm comes in her my way or the highway attitude. No one is allowed to even comfort someone at the site that mentions the hope that their reconciliation is real.
IMO, someone who has been through a real long-term reconciliation can answer that question better than Tracy Schorn. Ms. Schorn admits that she gave large sums of money to her prior husbands for businesses, both of whom cheated.
Well, there ya’ go. That in itself is very unhealthy and shows very poor judgement Both spouses need to contribute to a marriage. If a relationship is too lopsided that’s always a negative thing. Particularly when it’s the woman financially subsidizing the man.
Also chumplady claims she always deletes people who use a proxy server. I always use one when surfing the internet. I do banking and other things online, and I want to be safe.
Does Tracy only want stupid people who leave their front door open posting at her site? Surfing the internet bareback, IMO, is like leaving your front door unlocked.
I am all for deleting obnoxious nonsensical postings, but I assure you she has deleted mine, and many others that were well written and kindly stated.
Just the other day, I thought I was hallucinating because I responded to a nicely written post, and then I could not find it. She had already deleted it, although, the post politely posted an opinion contrary to the opinion expressed in Tracy’s blog.
This “my way or the highway” attitude is highly narcissistic, IMO. Also she is extremely self-promotional and brags without restraint about achievements that are not particularly brag worthy.
She is doing well with her blog but mainly because she is outrageously comical about certain opinions. She certainly is interesting but should not be given the credence of a psychologist.
She is in a sense a very manipulative person herself. She manipulates her followers yet they are too devoted to her to see it.
Chump Lady is definitely not for reconciliation. Some couples do honestly reconcile. The reason she has become so cynical about reconciliation is because her ex, as well as many other people’s exes, merely pretend reconcile while continuing to lie and cheat. It would be easier if those people would just honestly admit that they aren’t interested in reconciling.
I really appreciate all the comments here. As many of you may realize, this article was the first, and I believe only article to directly provide a link to anyone else’s work (someone please correct me if I’m wrong on this), something I have long been hesitant to do and which I’m very reluctant to do again. Every day I grow more appreciative of the character of this blog and the quality of the comments. And I appreciate that with very few exceptions, the links and references commentators have occasionally referenced to outside sources have not been cause for concern. I also understand well the primary purpose of most blogs, which by design generally tend to be self-serving (and self-promoting). I consider myself most fortunate to have word-of mouth as my best advertising, so I don’t have to spend all my time editing posts and filtering contributions in a manner designed to make me look good or get people to buy my products. And I’m grateful for the value the commentators continue to bring to this enterprise.
I believe that in some cases as long as the cheater has owned the affair and has come 100 percent clean with the other spouse then it might work! The spouse that had the affair needs to understand that they cannot control the healing of the victim! I have nightmares and flashbacks four to five nights a week and it has been five years! My spouse has been transparent and I’m trying very hard to learn to trust her again! When ever we have an argument I bring it up and then I degrade her and then I have to relive the pain all over again! My heart was ripped out of my chest and there is just a gaping whole that oozes blood! I always regret bringing it up but the pain s still so raw! The affair lasted six months and my nose wS rubbed in it by both parties! She stopped the affair after she found out he was sleeping with four other women! My wife was just another notch in his belt! He is a law officer so I could not touch him!
I never thought of revenge ! I love her too much to put her through that! But she gets so defensive when I want to know why she felt the need to cheat! I was sick and was unable to have sex! I became disabled and have worked hard to loose 85 lbs and have been able to resume sex for over five years! Will the pain ever stop! I have tried to be a better spouse but the nightmares and visions continue!
I never thought of revenge ! I love her too much to put her through that! But she gets so defensive when I want to know why she felt the need to cheat! I was sick and was unable to have sex! I became disabled and have worked hard to loose 85 pounds!
David, that’s awful of her.
And of course awful of him, a law officer of all people, being all untouchable. People like that give the police in general a bad name and a lot of anti-police propaganda feeds on that.
But do I get it right that she’s still genuinely making amends?