Free Will
Almost everyone is familiar with the concept of free will. It’s a controversial subject, to be sure. In fact, some folks question whether such a thing really exists. That’s understandable. So much of what we do appears influenced by our environment. Moreover, some situations seem to significantly restrict our options. So, many question whether we’re truly free to chose. Perhaps circumstances dictate our choices. I think not. Our unique attributes as humans are high intelligence and free will. Integrity of character is largely about how we routinely exercise our will.
Most know I’ve worked with impaired characters for a long time. And I’d like to think I’ve learned a few things along the way. One of the things I’ve come to know deeply is how willful disturbed characters can be. Unfortunately, a strong will is not necessarily a healthy one. Nor is a strong will necessarily a properly informed or structured one. Accordingly, willfulness can be a big problem in itself. Disturbed characters create problems not so much because they have strong wills but because of how they exercise them.
Now, some folks simply aren’t willful enough. Others or circumstances too easily influenced or sway them. And they’re too willing to subordinate their own will to the stronger will of others. This is just as big a problem as is a willful person making bad choices. It’s uniquely human to have free will. But only folks evolved spiritually and in character are mindful to exercise it prudently.
The Seventh “Commandment” of Character
Over the next few weeks, we’ll be discussing another “commandment” of solid character development. And we’ll be looking at it from both a psychological and spiritual perspective. To refresh, here is the 7th axiom experience has taught me we must heed to be spiritually and psychologically healthy:
Strive to develop strength, solidity, and rightness of purpose with regard to your will.
Three aspects of this command stand out. First, we do well to develop strength of will. Some folks call this willpower. Interestingly, there are actually things we can do to strengthen our wills. So we’ll be talking about how to accomplish that. Second, it helps if our wills are solidly constructed. They need to weather the storms of life. What’s the difference between strength and solidity? Think of a wooden beam. Now think of one with a knot in the middle of it. Both the knot and the rest of the wood have plenty of strength. But because the beam is not solid and uniform in composition, it has an inherent weakness. Just the right pressure in the right place, and it could collapse. Third, a healthy will is a properly directed one. It’s a will exercised with purpose and guided by sound conscience. (See also: Conscience and Conscientiousness.)
Forging a Healthy Will
We’ll be discussing how one develops a healthy will in the coming weeks. We will explore the primary function of our free will. We’ll also be discussing how to make it strong. And finally, we’ll be taking a look at how to properly guide it.
You can find more on this topic in Character Disturbance on pages 142-143. You can also find some illustrative stories in The Judas Syndrome.
Tidbits
Check out some of the updates on the Seminars page. Another venue (Salt Lake City) is slated for November. Details on that workshop will be coming soon.
Hi,
When I think of this one, having struggled with addictions, I really think this also is going to be tied to the concept of spirituality, which a narcissist is never going to “get.” They have free will to do the right thing, they choose not to use it. This I feel, is different than losing free will from addiction or a mental illness, though, granted, narcissists are mentally ill. That is how I have to view my mother-and other members of my family who are also narcissistic.
Nothing I did in active addiction was a totally conscious decision-some of it maybe, early on in the process, but the difference is the narcissist knows exactly what they are doing wrong and they see nothing wrong with doing it-or they hold the mistaken belief that for them it is not wrong. And they teach you to live in fear and to hate yourself because you are responsible for their mental illness, that is how it feels to be on the receiving end of it anyhow.
To forgive my mother, was easier than it was to forgive myself but it was it’s own process-I had to turn it over to God and also, remind myself that she is spiritually sick, as I am/was. Only God can heal her, but she also would have to ask Him-when she sees nothing wrong with her choices, she isn’t going to ask anyone to help her make the right one.
This is also tied into conscience and conscientious.
JC,
You are right that the narc does not think anything is wrong for THEM to do. You are on the right path. I heard Nancy DeMoss yesterday saying something I hadn’t considered exactly as she had put it, though I’ve thought about this problem oh so many times.
I am now estranged from all siblings (6) and from husbands family which is about 11 people. I’ve thought why is this happening? Why don’t we get family?
She said it like this “many Christians are suffering for Jesus”. They’ve lost all of their family because their family doesn’t follow Jesus. They are often mocked for being actual Christ followers.
My own brothers and sisters are doing just that and yet they maintain they too are Christians. They see nothing wrong with their mocking me and telling me you don’t have to follow Jesus all the time. You don’t have to go back to scripture all the time to run your life???
My brother actually told me not to burn my bridges regarding a mutual friend who burned me.
I asked him what he meant he said ya don’t get rid of friends ya pay em back!!
I told him friends like that I don’t need.
I forgot to add the rest of what Nancy said. We must persevere to the end being faithful to God. Many stories in the Bible tell of the narc ways of family.
Moses brother and sister turn against him.
Joseph’s brothers sell him and are jealous.
David is pursued to be killed by Saul.
Jesus himself is not believed by his family and the disciples even turn on him.
They felt alone they were abandoned and they suffered. They did not give up though! We must not either, we are on the right path. This life is not a big party for us, but a better life awaits us!!!
BTOV FOR YOU
Helen Steiner Rice
Often your tasks will be many,
And more than you think you can do.
Often the road will be rugged
And the hills insurmountable, too.
But always remember, the hills ahead
Are never as steep as they seem,
And with Faith in your heart start upward
And climb ‘Til you reach your dream.
For nothing in life that is worthy
Is never too hard to achieve
If you have the courage to try it
And you have the Faith to believe.
For Faith is a force that is greater
Than knowledge or power or skill
And many defeats turn to triumph
If you trust in God’s wisdom and will.
For Faith is a mover of mountains.
There’s nothing that God cannot do,
So start out today with Faith in your heart
And ‘Climb ‘Til Your Dream Comes True’ !
Nice!
Joey,
I needed to hear those words, I am struggling with so many loose ends to clean up and then something else happens. I do have faith in God and I know He is the truth the way and the light. Above all prayer has sustained me.
I hope you are well and just thank you for thinking of me.
Hugs and God Bless You
As Christians we are taught to submit our will to God. It can be confusing as to thinking about strengthening our will. It seems our strong will can be a negative thing that puts the focus on our own desires to the exclusion or the impairment of God’s plan for our lives when we submit to Him. This is something I am in the process of trying to understand correctly.
Kat,
A co-worker was twerking us how upset his mother was when he announced he was an athiest.
“Why would God give us free will and then have us not use it?”
I remember thinking to myself, “What you have, my friend, is self will.”
Does this help?
Telling us…lol-autospell
Haha!
JC-lol,
I like that. Sometimes I can make things so complicated. Free will vs self will. That’s a good comparison. Self will doesn’t give itself to God, free will can.
Kat,
Amen to that!
Free will, I think is tied to our own perceptions of the personal powerlessness of what is happening in your life. You are powerless over many things but to sum it up:
Drugs, alcohol, etc (any addictions)
Other people
Yesterday
Tomorrow
Being comfortable with this is the hard part. When you can surrender yourself over to Him, then you have set yourself apart from the narc.
JC, Kat,
It is Humility vs. Pride……..
BTOV-great point. I find it best to question my motives always, am I being self centered or God centered. It can be a real struggle sometimes to submit but it always works out for the best if we trust God has the best plan in mind – even when it doesn’t look like it in the present.
JC, I agree, being comfortable with the powerlessness is key. For me lately its been grieving over the things I cannot control with people, namely my two grown kids. I can’t make them care and I am having a hard time with that. Once I can accept it, it will be easier, but its basically grieving the reality of our relationships, which is better than not facing up to it.
JC, Kat, Lucy, Joey,
God centered instead of self centered is not always easy. It’s a process of retraining our minds and truly using the wisdom given us through the Word, especially, the proverbs. I think the more we give ourselves over to being in the world but not of the world the easier it gets.
I also think it is important to have a circle of like minded individuals whom you can trust when you feel doubt or weakness set in to build you up and give you needed feedback and support.
I agree with you wholeheartedly “being comfortable with the powerlessnesss is key.” It has been one of my biggest downfalls and struggles. One has to remmember, although, unhealthy we tend to subconsciously lean torward that wich is familiar to us.
I think it is a very important topic raised as this is something we need to be on gaurd about least it happen again. I think the more aware one becomes of this flaw so to speak the more power we will have over it and can change our inner relational patterns and venture out of this unsafe comfort zone into a healthy place.
It sure is a process and commend all who have had the tenacity and guts to look within to make the change. A difficult task, at least we can feel free not accepting to being a doormat anymore and rather than letting others define our reality, we know we are and stand in our truth. I will say, the knowledge of the Word is what gives me the strength to persevere.
I find looking back on my mistakes helps, more importantly though is how I set my focus on the here and now and how I can leave this world a better place. I know it hurts when our own family are the culprits of grief and sorrow, knowing what we know, it was foretold it would be this way. Pray for them and forgive but I would say never let your guard down unless you see true consistency of contrite change.
Hugs
JC, Kat, Lucy, Joey,
God centered instead of self centered is not always easy. It’s a process of retraining our minds and truly using the wisdom given us through the Word, especially, the proverbs. I think the more we give ourselves over to being in the world but not of the world the easier it gets.
I also think it is important to have a circle of like minded individuals whom you can trust when you feel doubt or weakness set in to build you up and give you needed feedback and support.
I agree with you wholeheartedly “being comfortable with the powerlessnesss is key.” It has been one of my biggest downfalls and struggles. One has to remmember, although, unhealty we tend to subconsciously lean torward that wich is familiar to us.
I think it is a very important topic raised as this is something we need to be on gaurd about least it happen again. I think the more aware one becomes of this flaw so to speak the more power we will have over it and can change our inner relational patterns and venture out of this unsafe comfort zone into a healthy place.
It sure is a process and commend all who have had the tenacity and guts to look within to make the change. A difficult task, at least we can feel free not accepting to being a doormat anymore and rather than letting others define our reality, we know we are and stand in our truth. I will say, the knowledge of the Word is what gives me the strength to persevere.
I find looking back on my mistakes helps, more importantly though is how I set my focus on the here and now and how I can leave this world a better place. I know it hurts when our own family are the culprits of grief and sorrow, knowing what we know, it was foretold it would be this way. Pray for them and forgive but I would say never let your guard down unless you see true consistency of contrite change.
Hugs