Narcissism’s Many Faces
Attractive and repulsive narcissism are different expressions of the same character disturbance. That’s right. The same character disturbance. Narcissism, no matter how it’s expressed is still narcissism. To understand that, you have to understand the core pathology at work in narcissism. (See, for example: Distorted Self Appraisal and Narcissism.) And it also helps to appreciate the fact that narcissism, like so many conditions, is a spectrum phenomenon. More specifically, narcissism exists along two spectra: one of type, and the other of degree.
While there are two main types of narcissism, there are many more subtypes. And some of those types are inherently attractive. That is, some narcissists tend to attract others as opposed to putting them off. (See also, for example: Charming Charismatic Narcissists Seduce and Vulgar Narcissists Offend While Charmers May Not.) But narcissism is still narcissism, and always poses danger for a relationship. Attractive and repulsive narcissism affect people differently, however, and it’s debatable which form is actually the most dangerous.
Repulsive Versus Attractive Narcissists
Some narcissists openly mock, belittle, demean, and mistreat others. They see themselves as superior and treat those they view as inferior with disdain. It’s easy to be put off by such individuals. These vulgar types are simply not very likable, at least not in the minds of most of us. So, it’s easy to take offense at their manner of operating. And most of us will try to stay clear of such individuals. We don’t want to live or work with such types, unless circumstances seemingly compel us to.
Some narcissists have strong, positive impression management skills. And sometimes such folks aslo have charm and charisma. Folks tend to naturally gravitate toward these kinds of narcissists. And it’s easy to be hopelessly enamored of them at the outset of a relationship. You don’t really realize how problematic a character they are until they’ve hurt you enough.
My books In Sheep’s Clothing and Character Disturbance will give you an in-depth understanding of both attractive and repulsive narcissism. And they’ll also help you understand the problems that arise when someone’s character disturbance goes beyond mere narcissism.
Dr Simon,
This is so true, when you said, You don’t realize how problematic a character they are until they’ve hurt you enough.
I think the reason I got back into a relationship with a narcissist I was previously in one with (same person) was because I had changed. When this person came running back to me a year later, I had changed so much that when he claimed to have changed, and it appeared to be so, I believed him because I thought if I could change so could he right?
WRONG, he literally waited until the night of our wedding to SHOW just how much he had me fooled and how he was going to drag my heart right through the mud every chance he got.
THAT is a “DISTURBED CHARACTER” for sure.
If anyone reads this please say a prayer for me.
Thank you!
Dr.Simon,
What’s most alarming about the idea of repulsive narcissists is that I’ve noticed they’re no longer considered repulsive. They are actually admired in today’s society. Foul language, tough talk, criticism and belittlement is seen as a sign of strength and dominance and superiority. They are now labeled an Alpha, admired and respected and appeased.
Sobering observation, Charlie, and so true.