Narcissists Versus Aggressive Narcissists
The aggressive narcissist is a most problematic character. I describe these types in my books In Sheep’s Clothing and Character Disturbance. And you can find many articles about them on the blog, too. See, for example:
- Beyond Mere Narcissism: The Aggressive Personalities
- Aggressive Narcissists and other Narcissistic Types
Narcissists are problematic enough. By definition, they have an inflated sense of self-worth, feel entitled, and, therefore, use and exploit others without compunction. They’re hard to deal with and almost impossible to live with.
It’s one thing to be so self-centered, entitled, and lacking in empathy that you wontonly use and abuse others. But it’s quite another thing to be so intent on dominating or controlling that you do anything to have the upper hand. That’s the big difference between most narcissists and the aggressive narcissist. And that’s just one reason why it’s more appropriate to label these types aggressive personalities. They’re narcissistic, to be sure. But they’re so much more than that. In fact, you can define their personality by their relentlessly aggressive interpersonal style. Sometimes their aggression is open, brazen, unrestrained. But other times it’s subtle, hidden, carefully masked. As with narcissists, there are different types of aggressive personalities, some more dangerous than others. (See: Aggressive Personalities: The Sub-Types.)
Different Types, Different Dilemmas
I’ve said this before, but it seems I can’t say it enough. There are many types of narcissists. And each type brings it’s own type and level of toxicity to a relationship. Some narcissistic folks are actually relatively benign. Others can make your life a living hell. Some are charming and endearing. Others are vulgar and repulsive. There’s far more to narcissism than the popular wisdom would have one believe.
For additional information about these matters see:
- Two Main Varieties of Narcissists
- Narcissistic Personalities Come in Various Types
- Vulnerable Narcissists and Relationships
- The Amorous Vulnerable Covert Narcissist
- Narcissism Dynamics and the 6 A-Words
The Aggressive Dimension in Character Disturbance
Human beings aggress. It’s part of our makeup. And I was among the handful of professioals to point out that we humans do much more fighting than we do running in life. And, contrary to popular and traditional beliefs, we don’t just fight when we’re fearful or feel threatened. We also fight for things we want. And we fight to have our way. Now, just what we fight for, and most especially HOW we fight says a great deal about our character. (See also: Principled Fighting Defines Assertiveness.)
The aggressive personalities among us are the way they are because they habitually fight too much, for purely self-serving reasons, and in destructive as opposed to constructive ways. The aggressive narcissist is, at heart, a rabid power and control seeker. And any involvement with a character of this type is a recipe for disaster. Such folks stand in stark contrast to assertive personalities, possibly among the healthiest of all personality types.
All Things Narcissism-Pt 2
Tune in as Dr. Peter Salerno and I continue our discussion on narcissism with Lisa Sonni on her podcast. You can also access the discussion on the Character Matters Youtube Channel.
I’m in need of feedback and support from readers.
I’ll try to be brief.
I’ve befriended a young woman (30ish) in the neighborhood. Casually. She and I both love gardening and we chat when I pass by on my walks. She is going through a rough patch and is now a single parent. I do my best to support her. We share ideas, plants, health tips.
Her dad gave me the creeps when I first met him. My radar went off big time. He’s an 70ish engineer. I chalked it up to old school misogyny and lack of social skills engineer (apologies to healthy men and engineers). He kept trying to offer me help (I’ve had health issues). I was very leery. I texted him once to ask if he had a tool I needed. (Big mistake). By the way, he has a girlfriend.
Well he figured out where I lived and must keep driving by because he made a point of telling me about my porch light coming on and off at the appropriate times. (It really creeped me out). In the last couple of weeks he texts me stupid questions/statements almost everyday. After a few days I started ignoring them hoping he would get the message. Well, instead he just drove over when I was outside. I just kept working on what I was working on. He asked if I got his text and I said I’m busy. He just texted again this evening. Seems 8 or 9 pm he texts.
He’s really creeping me out. He’s arrogant, and totally unself aware (don’t think that’s a word, I blame it on the stroke!).
My question is this. Do I confront him – benign confrontation? Your behavior is making me uncomfortable I need you to stop.
Or simply keep ignoring his texts, or block him, and then if that doesn’t work, then confront.
Or something else?
I am going to ask his daughter if he has a history of stalking. She knows he has mental health issues, she thinks he’s on the spectrum. I think he’s on the narc spectrum. He cheated on his old girlfriend with her best friend when his daughter was 9. He’s really arrogant.
I’d really appreciate feedback. I don’t want to over react and I do not want to downplay it either. His behavior is disturbing to me and my alarm bells are going off.
Hi Mindful,
Please follow your instincts and tactfully (or not) confront him and say what you said here. Tell him you aren’t comfortable getting texts or visits from people you don’t know very well and explain to him you’re a private person who enjoys being alone. We are way too nice in most circumstances and we need to speak up when people are intruding in on our peace. If this doesn’t work then I’d suggest speaking to his daughter.
Hi D.
Thanks for your feedback.
I ended up choosing to ignore first to see if that worked (I hadn’t seen his daughter and hoped maybe if he mentioned it to her, she’d tell him he’s being creepy).
He left something in the area on the side my house I was working on when he came over- he left it sometime AFTER I went in. Probably to let me know he was there again. That really sent up alarm bells!
I haven’t responded to the contact/provocation, but am keeping notes.
That seems to have worked so far. It’s been a few days without any contact.
If he texts again, I will respond letting him know I don’t feel comfortable with his behavior.
I have been stalked before, and it stirred up the same feelings.
One of the downsides of being single. I definitely feel vulnerable.
Thanks again, D.
Mindful I’ve been stalked as well and it makes one feel especially vulnerable. Keeping notes and keeping track of his behaviour will be a tool to show his daughter if you need to bring it to her attention. Some people just don’t get the hint.