Abusive Relationships
Abusive relationships come in many shapes and sizes. That is, they exist along a spectrum. It’s more actually more accurate to say spectra, inasmuch as there are degrees of both type and levels of severity.
I’ve written before on abusive relationships. And I’ve always made the point that the more seriously disturbed in character someone is, the more abusive a relationship partner they’re likely to be. Character disturbance exists along spectra of both type and degree.
Trauma Bonding and Survival Dynamics
We’ve long known that abuse victims can become strangely bonded to their abusers. Several survival dynamics can be at work in such scenarios. But the main dynamic involves coming by a false sense of security. That is, the abuse victim is groomed to believe that if they do or say just the right things, less abuse or no abuse will occur. In truth, however, there is no real safety in an abusive relationship, in either the emotional or physical realm.
Perhaps the best example of what I’m talking about is in the case of severe physical abuse. Professionals have long pondered why victims stay in such relationships. And we’ve concocted many theories over the years. Perhaps the worst of these is that the victims are too emotionally dependent and weak in character to leave. This kind of thinking put the blame on the victim! But what I pointed out years ago in both In Sheep’s Clothing and Character Disturbance is what modern research confirms. Victims of abusive relationships know very well the greatest danger they face. Deep down they know that the most dangerous thing they can verbally say or say with their actions is “no more!.”
Severe abusers don’t take “no” for an answer. They walk right through restraining orders. They can stalk and intimidate. In every way possible, they send a loud and clear message: “You think you can wrest free of my dominance? Well, think again!” Victims know they can even wind up dead. So they have every right to fear leaving, and to cling to their beliefs about how to best stay safe. This dynamic is a part of what stems from the abuser’s core pathology: Dominance at all costs!
A Disscussion Worth Your Time
I had an interesting conversation with Anna Boughlam on her podcast a week or so ago. You can watch it using this link to the video on my YouTube channel.
Dr. Simon,
You are correct in stating that the victim of abuse knows exactly what their abuser will stand for. I was married at 16 because I was “just a girl” in my family. My dad’s words and attitude.
I was beaten on by my husband and cheated on too numerous to know. The police were at my apartment more than any family ever was.
After 2 1/2 yrs of this I filed for divorce. He came home from a party where he was gaslit and decided to take it out on me. Broke my nose and had to seek medical attention that night.
I decided he was too dangerous to be in the apartment with our 2 young kids. I was afraid one day he might hurt them. I didn’t want them to turn into abusive people either.
He cheated constantly but accused me of just that. I needed someone to help watch my kids while I worked, I could barely keep us in the apt. I didn’t feel I would be safe in the apt. without a family member and no one would help.
He continued to stalk me and eventually broke into my apt. (at 2am) that I moved to. He literally was able to lift the patio door out of it’s tracks. I had approximately 15 police show up to arrest him.
I chose not to have him arrested, and fortunately for me he stopped stalking. I had the police tell him if he ever came around unannounced, I would have him arrested.
Talk about the scare of your life?
Unbelievably, the sergeant that showed up stayed back to ask me our history. He then proceeded to ask me out for coffee sometime???
I politely said I don’t drink coffee but thank you just the same.
I literally had a feeling come over me that I would be jumping out of the frying pan right into a FIRE!!!
My the Mother tried to stab me in the stomach with a 14 inch carving knife. and then in the throat Because I had got a good job. and was going to leave. and she was 5 feet 5 inches tall. That was the reason for my arrest as well
Dominance at all costs!
There is a case in the U.K at this time of a Kyle Clifford. That re-enforces this article and What these creatures will do for Dominance at all costs!
We have an aggressive/dominator in the neighborhood. Right across the street from me (Oh Joy)! Oddly enough, he’s also the biggest, whiniest, baby ever. It’s like he looks for grievances.
Anyway, I see the survival strategies playing in the neighbors. They coddle/enable/pacify him.
A couple sided with him when he was targeting me in his dominance games. Out of fear? Don’t know, but I certainly don’t trust them now.
Now they seem to have changed their mind or I don’t know what, one made a point of blowing my snow after a heavy snowfall and then waving at another time. The other made point of waving at me.
I think the dominator may be having health issues of his own as I haven’t seen him drive himself for weeks.
It is amazing how one or two people can spoil the atmosphere of a neighborhood.
My problem. Well one of them anyway, is how to respond to the backstabbers. I’ve been shunning them. They are invisible. Maybe that’s why they started actively trying to ?.
I just stiffly waved back. Darn polite gene. Or survival gene?
I want to flip them off instead!
Any thoughts?
Hi Mindful,
You commented:
“Anyway, I see the survival strategies playing in the neighbors. They coddle/enable/pacify him.”
I’m Canadian and everyday I see this behaviour from Americans towards the president of the United States. There’s a fear factor in play right? I mean watching the news events and witnessing the enablers stuns my senses.
You walked away from your neighbours and I turned away from certain people in my family. We could sit these enablers down and explain the psychology behind these adult toddlers they side with and then in return get a blank stare.
Even if they woke up I doubt you’d be open to anything beyond civility. They’re just another pasture of sheep waiting to be corralled. It’s very disheartening.
Enjoy your yard, smile and offer the least amount of conversation you can muster. I find my peace with my daughter and H.
I recently had a CD sibling die and not one of my friends or neighbours know. That’s how closed off I’ve become. I’m just as smiley and cheerful but I have zero trust beyond the two people I just mentioned. I simply do not want to confide in anyone, I’m not in the least sad the CD sibling died nor do I want to pretend or explain why.
Backstabbers? I handle them by refusing to participate in any form of gossip about the ring leader. It’s really a waste of your time to engage with the enablers. I have an enabling sister in law and the only reason I put up with her is because she is married to my older brother. It’s a peace keeping mission every time we meet up. I have boundaries regarding any conversation directed around the bully in our family and when my SIL covertly tries to cross those boundaries I say, “your updates only bring me back to situations I’ve left behind can we not do them anymore please.” She still tries but I’m quick to remind her not to.
D.
I agree with everything you wrote.
It enrages me when I see how our supposed leaders and businesses respond to the Criminal In Chief. He just bullies, steamrolls, threatens everyone into submission. Meanwhile, just ignores the Constitution, rules, longstanding values and traditions. Tests every limit and boundary. Terrorizes everyone who doesn’t get in line.
Similar thing in the neighborhood. They blame the victim of the abuser for not accommodating the abuser. Sheesh.
You’re right, they’ve revealed themselves for what they are, and I’m not open to anything beyond civility. Grey rock all the way. I try and avoid them every chance I get. Don’t make eye contact. Backstabbers. Yes, they targeted me after my strokes, cruel. Not softening my heart toward them. Nope.
Like you, I don’t share anything with any of them and I don’t engage in gossip. I change the subject or say I need to go do x. I just mind my business, protect myself and my property. I have learned to be assertive and forcefully protect my rights. They take my vulnerability as an opportunity to aggress and encroach on my property.
They’re sneakier since I filed police reports and got cameras.
Sheep! Yep.
Your feeling about your CD sibling dying is understandable.
I’m still too mad to smile! And I’m a smiley person. I want punch them!
Gonna take time.
Never guess what happened a couple days after I posted this! A hospice care van was at the main bully/dominators house!
Mindful my best defence is smiling. You aren’t there yet and much like you I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Smiling grates on those who decide we shouldn’t be considered, it is my ammo of choice.
How do you or anyone who cares to respond on here deal with hypocrisy? My SIL is beyond the pale and if she weren’t married to my brother I’d never have her as a friend. I struggle to be myself around her. I can’t bite back….ever as my brother is adverse to conflict. To this day my brother has not spoken let alone validated or asked how I am after the death of our CD sibling. They know the story and not a peep beyond my SIL saying in a text “we all need to move on.” Talk about invalidation. I was traumatized by the CD sibling and kept a secret from them so they’d not have to worry. Oh boy was I an idiot.
Mindful, the hospice van must’ve made your day. (Happy clap.) What will become of the herd of sheep I wonder?
D.
Usually I can pull off a smile, after all that is what I did as defense mechanism as a child. However, as I’m working through a lot of grief, under that is anger. So I’m allowing myself just to feel that freely and acknowledge it. I certainly won’t punch them or act out. But I’m giving myself the free range. I use The F word frequently now in private, sometimes so satisfying! I have it coming from all angles (so many Dr’s are CD) and no real local support, so I need to feel it, express it, process it.
The way I deal with hypocrisy in general is to acknowledge it to myself and try and detach. We can’t change people and they are gonna do them. Probably not a satisfying answer!
Sounds like your SIL wants things her way and for you to accommodate whatever that is on any given day. Not exactly a picnic for you.
If your brother has been conflict adverse all his life, that is likely why he won’t even broach the subject and talk about it. Think he may feel bad or guilty about your ordeal? It’s difficult when people are shut down to have any kind of a relationship. Is he kind to you in other ways?
Peace at what price.
Yes, D, I wasn’t proud of my instant reaction, but I let out a happy, yes!
It’s a relief.
I had a chuckle at the end of your last comment. Happy claps are the best!
Yes, my brother is good to me and we are good to him, this said he is an extreme people pleaser. People pleasers tend to sacrifice relationships to please others and I feel he’s guilty of this. My SIL is who she is and yep I either accept this and grin and bear it or walk away. I’m not going to walk away. She is also an extreme people pleaser and often we are at the bottom of the list. I question her motives in a couple of relationships but I just can’t be bothered anymore especially after our lunch on Saturday. I almost choked on my lunch when she said “I don’t understand why our son needs to try and please everyone!” (Ok Einstein.)
Grief and anger are an excruciating combination. I don’t blame you for not smiling at the sheep.
Mindful when I say we are often at the bottom of the list I mean SIL shuffles our meet up dates farther out. Often we are replaced by people coming to visit for lengthy periods of time. We give lots of prep time and she agrees but then the shuffling starts. Her guests can survive a couple of hours without them surely. She treated my parents the same way.
D
So glad your relationships is good in other ways. Makes it easier to accept the not so great parts.
It’s “easier” to take family for granted, right! Not uncommon, unfortunately.
We are often blind to our own issues/habits. Guess that why they’re called blind spots! I know I have had them (and still do) and am working to spot and address them.
If you are interested, there is an excellent book about Narcissistic relationships. The patterns, the effects on the victims, recovering, etc..
She does an excellent job of describing the roles children take on/are thrust in, growing up in a dysfunctional family. And how to break out of the role(s) in adulthood.
It helps me be give myself and others more grace when I spot them and recognize they once served as a self-protective/survival role.
It’s Not You; Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People.
By Ramani Durvasula, PHD
Mindful thank you.
Seriously I never once thought I came from a dysfunctional family. It wasn’t until the CD sibling came to live with us and things got really dark that out of the blue my husband came home from work and asked “how has your sociopath brother been today.” I looked at him found Dr. Simon’s site and devoured everything I could read. My H was in the criminal justice system for 32 years I trusted his opinion and he nailed it!
The ages of the kids in my family are widely spaced. The sibling I speak of was 15 years younger than the oldest, 13 years younger than the middle child and was seven years younger than me. He was different and he grew up differently. Almost like an only child and in a different province from the age of 12 because of a military transfer. My parents eventually became afraid of CD child then afraid of the adult toddler but they didn’t know how to articulate it. Only once did they say to me “you don’t ever want to get him mad.”
I eventually saw ALL of this and MORE but not one other family member has witnessed what I have, and telling them about it fell on deaf ears. CD sib outed himself a bit then disappeared for 10 years and died.
We’ve been to lunch with SIL and middle brother recently. I purposely position myself to be seated next to my brother and my H keeps SIL busy answering questions. It’s a strategic move to stop any family gossip. She has a little crush on my H so it’s hilarious to watch the usual gregarious tone of her demeanour become coy and attentive to Hs every word. My H is oblivious.
I’m getting so much better. I have a lot to be grateful for. Thanks for listening it really helps.