A Change of Heart
A change of heart is key to real character change. That’s what a lifetime of work with disturbed characters has taught me. Folks might show a certain change of mind. They might even show some changes in behavior. But it’s always right to ask: “How real is this change?. How deep does it go? And can I count on it lasting?”
In Essentials for the Journey, I talk about metanoia. That’s the ancient Greek word for a particular kind of turning around of one’s mind and heart. It’s the kind of inner conversion that is frequently translated as “repentance.” But the word repentance has come to be equated with feeling sorry. And that’s quite unfortunate. It’s unfortunate because it leads to a very poor understanding of what real metanoia is all about. A person whose heart is truly changed might very well have sorrow for past unloving actions. But a converted heart is nuch more than a regretful one. It’s a heart embracing a whole different mindset toward life, relationships, and one’s very way of being in the world. It’s often a heart born of contrition. And it’s a heart truly born again or made anew. (See also: Fostering a Genuine Change of Mind.)
The Problem with Traditional Interventions
Some traditional psychotherapeutic interventions focus on changing one’s thinking. And that’s all well and good. But it’s not enough when it comes to the change disturbed characters really need. And some therapies focus on changing behavior. That’s all well and good, too. But it’s still not enough. A person can act differently, especially when it serves them well to do so. But just doing differently at times doesn’t make someone a different person.
Traditional therapies largely fail because they don’t focus on where the core problem lies: within the heart. Disturbed characters are extremely hard to treat, even in the best of circumstances. And some cases are simply impossible to treat, at least not by even the best methods we have. But most interventions fail because they don’t target the source of the problem. I address all this in both In Sheep’s Clothing and Character Disturbance.
I’ll have more to say about having a true change of the heart and the various pathways to it in upcoming posts.
I’ve come to sincerely doubt any change in the cd individuals in my life is sincere. Even when they express regret, or say they are sorry, or change a behavior, it’s usually a tactic, an impression management tool. Another manipulation.
Life is too short for that BS.
PS. I also believe they are increasingly rewarded for their behavior by society. It really works for them – as they see it – so, we who are harmed by it, need to just get over it and get off their case. We are the problem.
There seems to be no end the ways they try to twist and bend people and reality to what they want it to be.
It’s a no win for their victim.
My sister in law is a born again Christian and she has said. “I cannot lie.” When what she really cannot do is admit she lied.
This SIL pathologically manipulates what my brother hears. She controls the narratives and now we are at risk of losing our relationship with him.
My brother is conflict avoidant and even though his wife will often say to him “I told you that you just don’t remember” he’s probably hearing those things for the first time. Sometimes he gets visibly peeved and she will use affection and joking to deflect. The next thing we see is them giggling. It’s so weird to witness.
My H and I experimented with this. We asked the both of them “did we ever tell you about blah blah blah..?” My brother says NO tell us. SIL says “yes they did you just don’t remember.” We had never told them that very significant story. It was incredibly concerning to witness her do this.
Now she has been caught in a doozy of a lie. Not only should it alter the perception of an event my brother previously didn’t think was a big deal but it is an event that happened to my H and I who were terribly affected by the event. To find out she has been minimizing our experiences, lying and changing the narrative we find that mine and my H’s relationship is at risk if she won’t apologize. We feel she might get my brother to dismiss us because he can’t deal with conflict. This SIL is out of town so we don’t know if she knows what has transpired. Any advice as to what to say to her if she likely says “I didn’t say that.”
The situation is still not clear enough for me – how is you and your husband’s relationship is at risk. Do you mean with your brother?
How bad is it? Can you clarify with your brother how serious it is while she’s out of town?
You probably won’t like this answer.
It took me a long time to get to it, but it’s a relief to be here.
They have a pattern. He hasn’t pushed through his avoidance yet, and who knows what, if anything, will get him through it. He wants to believe her.
It took me years to face my avoidance of what my family was and their harm. They crossed a certain line and my avoidance broke and my anger prompted me into protective mode.
She’s gonna likely lie outright, or distort and spin -lie. She will not change.
If it were me, I would be matter of fact. State the truth. Repeat. End of conversation.
It sounds like it’s really effecting you and your husband. They are really time, energy, resource, draining.
Hope this helps you to come up with a plan.
Mindful,
Thank you for your reply.
I apologize for not being clear. Yes our relationship with my brother is at risk or it could be dead in the water already.
My H and I have gone through hell because of two, yes two very dominant covert manipulators who married my two misled brothers. These SILs didn’t live close to each other and they rarely interacted. To be clear we have never said one word against these women. Over a very long time we have been excluded from one brother’s life due to his wife. We tried bringing attention to a few discrepancies but he “found it hard to believe.” We have been estranged for sixteen years.
This second brother was our last hope for a family connection. At times it took effort for my H and I to be around this SIL because we’ve witnessed her gaslighting my brother for years and then to lie to us was huge. She has enjoyed our relationship because we’ve kept it lighthearted, we help each other out and all in all we worked with what we had to keep the relationship going.
My brother appeared visibly confused after we told him his wife already knew about “everything” we were discussing when it was obvious he was hearing it for the first time. Again, he was visibly cinfused when we said his wife told US she had told HIM “everything.”
We even asked, “are you sure she didn’t tell you?” His reply was a slow nod and “no.”
Yes, we are convinced she will spin this greatly to her advantage and we will be excluded. Can I talk to him? No. Instead we wrote him a letter because his facial expressions can often be construed as contrary or dismissive and we didn’t want to react to it. His conflict avoidance is stunning. We told him “everything” he was suppose to have known but we didn’t write about anything else. We are really tired of it all to be honest and eventually she will convince him that he doesn’t even remember any of this correctly.
It truly is heartbreaking to me to my close loved ones not exhibiting Godly sorrow but instead just impression management.
It’s never comforting to actually see them plotting their next move against you. I used to only get angry, but you know what the Bible says about anger not bringing about the righteous living God desires.
Sorrowful and prayerful.
D.
It’s a really hard place to be in. I hope that your brother is able to receive and process the information you provided.It’s incredibly hard to be constantly inundated with gaslighting day after day and hold your own reality.
My daughter – is as you’ve described your SIL’s – popped back up the other days after 2 years of no contact to try and work her gaslighting magic on me. She put a letter in my mailbox. It was one of her signature mixtures of reality bending. She said she forgave me for not meeting her emotional needs. Thanked me for trying so hard raising her, that I taught her to value herself by valuing myself, that she is happy. That she loves me. She is now claiming she is neurodivergent (likely as an excuse for her behavior- which even if it were true, is not an excuse). No mention of course of her lying, verbal and emotional abuse, exploitation. She’s trying to suck me back in.
It’s one of her patterns, redefine reality, pretend the abuse didn’t happen and that I should go along with her crazymaking reality.
With any luck your brother didn’t show her the letter and will start to pay more attention to his reality and not buy into hers. It’s such a challenge because they are relentless.
M.
Mindful I always appreciate your thoughtful replies.
It’s not unusual to go a couple of weeks without speaking to my brother but it’s odd not to hear a word about the letter, now it’s become impossible to guage my brother’s mind set, the SIL is away until the 27th. After he shows her the letter I think her spin will be that we’ve overreacted. For all we know she could have been told already and she’s smoothed it over. He really is gullible and with a lot of people if something doesn’t happen to them directly then it’s not that important but this is a significant contradiction/lie/untruth.
We’ve been at the mercy of these sister in laws for many years to whether we have any kind of relationship with the brothers. We have to be prepared to lose contact and yes it’s exhausting.
The tactics of your daughter are exactly that…tactics. I think they get bored and get an urge to stir up chaos so they make contact. You sound like you have a solid handle on this. Their patterns never change do they.
Mindful, p.s.
We received a letter from my brother minutes after I posted on here and he apologized for not remembering everything. He said he talked to his wife and she reminded him when she told him, he said they were in bed so he was probably half asleep. He also said he really wants our family connection to be as good as ever.
My oh my she’s good. His face was a face of disbelief when we were talking at that luncheon and I believe the reaction more than his words. I think they prepared his statement so she could save face.
Covert manipulators are the worst.
D.
Ugh, I’m sorry it worked out that way.
Do you have any idea what you want to do now? They put people in impossible binds.
Yes, they are the worst.
Mindful we are going to continue the relationship but very very superficially. It wasn’t that deep anyway but this incident really took the prize.
If I was as “forgetful” as she makes him appear to be I’d get a neurological assessment to determine a base line. His wife is a nurse and just rolls her eyes and tells him how he’s forgotten he’s been told this and that already! It’s mental and emotional abuse in my opinion. We can’t do a thing for him now.
I appreciate that you’ve listened and replied. I’ve been using my H as a therapist while he patiently hears my spontaneous rants. He’s in agreement with how I feel but he processes it differently.
D.